Chapter Text
“Stop. What’s the point if you don’t mean it?”
My mouth twitched upwards, maybe he’s just joking. But then he continues, all the while looking into my eyes.
“You fear me. Not love, not respect, just fear.”
Not love. That part cuts. But it’s true. All my emotions have been blocked out by fear. Not fear that he would kill me, but fear that he, that we, would never be the same. He tells Bobby to get up and Sam to stop talking to him. But he says nothing to me. I try to reason with him.
“Cas, come on. This isn’t you.”
“The Castiel you knew is gone. “
He emphasizes those words. The Cas I knew… The Cas I knew was pure and good. He smiled at me and gently led me into the belief of a God. Even after four bullet holes and a knife wound in that stupid trenchcoat, he was patient and kind to me.
“What a brave little ant you are…” I stare at him, incredulous. “I have no need to kill you, not now. Besides” he smiles at me “Once you were my favorite pets (he turns to Bobby) before you turned and bit me”
“Who are you?” I ask.
“I’m God.”
I think back to the first time I asked him that…
“Who are you?”
“Castiel”
“I know that but what are you?”
“I’m an angel of the Lord”
So simple. So pure. I’m an angel of the Lord. But I didn’t believe him then. Now, as he answers the same question, I still don’t believe him. Not because I think he’s lying or that I don’t deserve it, but because I don’t believe Cas, my Cas, would go so far, would fall so far from goodness.
*
So I fix my car. That’s all I can do. I tell Bobby that we should just keep our heads down, but I keep my ears open for the word "trenchcoat". I leave the radio on and follow his path of destruction. I stay up all night, not because “I’m on a roll and I can’t stop now, Sammy”, but because when I’m out in the yard alone, I can think. I rack my brain all night for a way to talk to him, to get him to change his mind. One night Sam comes out to help me. The topic strays to Cas and I can’t help myself. “Cas is never coming back. He’s lied to us, he’s used us, he cracked your gourd like it was nothing! No more talking, we’ve spent enough on him” The way Sam says “ok” makes me realize that I had shown way too much emotion than I meant to and I needed to shut up now before my rant got worse.
*
“Call him what you want, just kill him now!”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt my heart stop. What am I doing? This is CAS. He turns to me silently and just looks at me. I can’t read his emotions, but I can feel mine. Pain, fear, hurt, despair, terror, guilt, misery, lo-. No, not love. This isn’t Cas anymore, I tell myself, your Cas is gone.
*
Back in the lab, I’m running as fast as I can to set everything up. I keep looking over at him. My Cas, my Cas again. Bloody, but mine. I’m still pissed, but relieved and worried that this plan will kill him. His trenchcoat is covered in grime and blood as he sits on the floor watching me.
*
The door opens. He turns back with the last strength he has “I’m sorry, Dean.” and releases the souls back into Purgatory.
He collapses. It takes me a second to register what happened. I run to him and check to see if he’s breathing. “Maybe angels don’t need to breathe” I supply hopefully. My mind travels to a myriad of stupid moments with him. Cas huffing out air indignantly when I called him a baby in a trenchcoat. Cas stepping too close to me and me pretending to be annoyed by it. Cas staring into my eyes as if forgetting the world was still living all around him, just lost in his eyes. I just sit there, not caring that my hand is still gripping his shoulder, where he gripped me. His trenchcoat seems rougher than usual. Maybe, if I hold on, he won’t go. “He’s gone, Dean.” Bobby’s voice shakes me from my thoughts. He’s gone… I notice my hand is shaking so I take it off him. “Damn it” My voice breaks and I stand up. I try to steel my emotions by focusing my anger at him. “Cas, you child.”
He opens his eyes and my anger melts. I rush over to him to help him up. I grab his hand and his arm and lift him. Once he’s up, I let go of his hand, but I leave my hand on his shoulder for a little while longer under the pretense of making sure he stays upright, but I’m just confirming that this isn’t a dream; Cas is back, he’s alive. I keep my hand there as long as I can.
“I’ll try to find a way to redeem myself to you” He looks straight at me, not Bobby, as if I’m the only one there, the only one who matters. “I mean it, Dean”
*
“You need to go now! I can’t hold them back! Dean, they’re so strong!”
I tell Bobby to go get Sam, but I can’t leave Cas. But when I turn around, Cas is standing, smiling at me. But it’s not his smile, this smile is… twisted. “Too late”. He pulls me in forcefully, panting, and smiles his twisted smile again. “Cas is, hmm, he’s gone. He’s dead.” The words coming out of Cas’s mouth are evil and wicked, reveling in darkness. It breaks my heart to see Cas, or whatever is controlling Cas making him say these things.
*
The last I see of Cas is his back as he walks into the reservoir. His trenchcoat is dripping black goo. The Leviathans scatter and disappear into the water. I just stand there staring at the same spot where I saw his head go down. I hear something lapping against the shore with the waves and look down. I choke back a sob. That stupid trenchcoat- clean from dirt, blood, and goo and soaking wet. I take it out of the water and gingerly fold it. “Ok, so he’s gone.” I try to smile and push the pain away, but I fail miserably. My bottom lip is trembling but I can’t stop myself from speaking. “Dumb son of a bitch.” My voice catches. I stare at the trenchcoat in my hands and grip it tighter. Sam makes no comment when he sees me place it in my lap and clutch it the entire ride home.