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“Come in, Ali,” Lin could sense her pounding heart just outside the door to her office. She sighed, watching as the young officer slid through her door and gently closed it behind her.
“Have a seat,” Lin gestured, trying to calm her own fluttering heart.
Ali didn’t say anything, probably hoping to just avoid the conversation altogether. But Ali had dropped her guard for a moment, unaware until it was too late that she’d let her boss -of all people- in on something so personal.
Lin was so shocked in the moment that she couldn’t get a word out before Ali was pulling her sleeves down and hurrying back to her desk.
“I wanted to check in with you after- um- after our… interaction in the break room,” Lin started lamely, cringing inwardly.
Ali was rigid in her seat, clearly tense and a little apprehensive. She worked her jaw a moment and sighed softly.
“Look, Chief—respectfully—this isn’t something you need to be worried about. I assure you.” Ali sat tall and sounded confident despite her rather short explanation and clenched muscles, but it only made the ache in Lin’s chest a little stronger.
“One of my officers shows up with marks like that, I’m going to be worried—respectfully.” Lin offered a small uptick of her mouth.
At that, Ali shrank a little, her shoulders sloping and something that resembled shame flashed behind her eyes.
“It’s an old habit, it gets me by sometimes,” Ali chewed her bottom lip, “it won’t happen again, Chief.”
“Spirits, you’re not in trouble and neither is your career, I just,” Lin sighed again, “I just can’t ignore something like this, Ali.”
When it was clear Ali wasn’t going to respond, Lin continued.
“Do you need a healer?”
Ali shook her head, clenching her fist against her sleeve absentmindedly.
“When did this start?”
“It’s nothing new, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Ali wouldn’t meet Lin’s eyes, “but um… I was thirteen when it started,” she added softly.
Then it wasn’t something she picked up as a result of the job, which felt kind of relieving to Lin, but she was clearly using this to work through something now that warranted that sort of response.
Lin frowned, looking over the young officer. Lin had gotten to know Ali as a very kind person, she brought a lot of humor and personality to the force, even during her training. She’d even managed to fit in nicely with her veteran officers, a harder task than you’d think.
Looking at her now though… Lin could see she was in pain, it was thinly veiled in a hardy exterior, witty jokes, and long sleeves. Lin tried not to look in the mirror too long, though.
“I know I’m your boss, and I know I’m a hardass most of the time,” the corner of Ali’s mouth twitched upwards briefly, “but that doesn’t mean you can’t come to me when you’re struggling.”
The young officer’s head drooped slightly and she seemed to be adamantly looking at one spot on the floor. Lin noticed she’d taken several slow, deep breaths. Lin took one herself.
“I know what that feels like—those urges. I know what it’s like to give in to them too.” Ali met Lin’s eyes finally, and she was faced with only sincerity.
“You’re not alone, kid.”