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“achilles, achilles, achilles come down, won’t you get up off, get up off the roof?
you’re scaring us and all of us, some of us love you,
achilles, it’s not much but it’s true.”
- achilles come down, gang of youths
Death is absolute.
An unending silence, the eternal home found in the oblivion of non-existence.
There are some who chase that emptiness with everything they have, and who hold a desperate desire to snuff out the light of awareness, or some who will do anything to ignore the sands of time.
Osamu Dazai is the former.
His Achilles was an odd one, there was no doubt. Every day, he would awake to a different, progressively stranger method of ending his life. This Achilles was never able to strike his heel in quite the right place. He started to wonder if he actually wanted to die.
He never thought he would find him on the rooftop, of all places.
He had awoken to a cold bed, no one beside him in the small apartment their detective salaries could afford. No soft breathing, only the steady hum of the subpar fan straining to keep up with the coolness of a summer night and the steady noise of cars outside on the hunt for a little more time, even at such a quiet hour.
Well, according to the alarm clock by his bedside, glaring with a cold blue light, it was 5:31 am. He expected to look over and spot the light of the living room reaching through the bedroom door, but the place was dim. So Dazai was gone.
There was no one beside him, and he threw his arm over his eyes, sighing before pushing himself out of bed. His sock-covered feet padded the linoleum floor, moving to his phone. It lit with one message.
“Come see the stars, darling. Before the sun burns them out.”
He scoffed, shaking his head at his boyfriend’s antics, but he had found it was better to humor his whims rather than be stubborn. Perhaps partially indulging him would prevent an actual attempt.
Five minutes later had him wearing his long coat, climbing up the stairs and clutching the rail, shivering as a late-summer breeze ghosted over his skin, raising goosebumps. He rubbed his arm, ignoring the numbness until he pushed open the door that led to the rooftop.
The sight he encountered was one he expected, but was crossing his fingers not to find.
The man standing there, behind the railing in that ridiculous long brown coat did not look over, his glassy eyes fixed on the sky, a wry smile waxing over his normally-cheery face. This morning, the smile rang hollow, betraying his true intention.
He would have said Dazai’s eyes shone with tears, but he was inclined to be a little more forgiving given the crescent moon.
“Dazai, what the hell are you doing,” he called, a shrill bark rasping his throat. “Get down. Your dumbass is going to get hurt, and if you think I’m just going to foot the hospital bill aga-”
“The stars sure are beautiful tonight, huh?” Dazai’s voice was hoarse, low, raspy even, as if he had been screaming into the night bloody murder. Any snarky comments he had in mind died in his throat as he heard a tone he wished never to hear.
“What the hell do you mean?” He looked up. The stars were winking with the last of their fading light, as if introducing the couple to the arriving sun. Dazai gave a rough chuckle.
“What a nice morning to die, huh. The stars with their dying light… just like mine. How ironic. And to think I couldn’t be any more of a hopeless romantic, then I pull this kind of thing. Bet you thought I didn’t have it in me to be more sappy, and then I did this.”
“Dazai, I…” Again, his words were lost to the sight of the translucent stream of tears traveling a long carved path down his cheek.
He continued on, in a shockingly steady tone considering the weight of the moment. “Of course, these stars are already long dead, their light having travelled countless ages just for us to see. I think it’s about time I finally joined them. After all, our burdens have both been crushing, and I think it’s about time I gave out, huh?” Dazai finally met his gaze, his normally vibrant and sweet eyes wracked with melancholy, and gave a sharp exhale.
“Of course, I didn’t start this without thinking about you. I have about six million yen to my name, which has now been transferred to yours. Should be enough for a while, I think, as long as you aren’t as dumb as I was with your spending.” He pushed his jacket off his shoulders, casually draping it over the railing.
The other finally found his voice, albeit with all the telltale cracks. “Dazai, are you fucking stupid? What about me? What about the life you pro-” His voice broke then, a struggle to find his words ensuing as he swallowed, a tear tracing his cheek. “Promised me. You fucking promised me that we would… we would be happy together! Don’t you understand? You promised me you’d give this up! You-”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’d better be fucking sorry! Just-” Shut up. Shut up, Dazai. Not like this. Never like this. I loved you. I love you. I didn’t want it to be like this. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you by my side forever. I wanted to wake up to your face forever.
Why you?
“I tried, I tried so hard. I wanted to be happy for you, I really did. I wanted to enjoy your company, just like I always used to. Even still, the demons of my past are too much. Oda, Ango, everyone . You deserve someone without bloodstains on their hands, someone who isn’t responsible for countless slaughters.”
“But it doesn’t have to be like this! It doesn’t- there’s forgiveness out there!” He reached out desperately for something to say, something to make this all better, to make it all okay. “I did terrible things too, Dazai, and look at me now. I have you. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m okay.”
“It doesn’t work that way, darling. Not with me.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re good.” Dazai was properly crying now, little broken sobs leaving his lips even as they smiled. “You’re good, and I’m… I’m not. And that’s alright, but I’m going to do the right thing for once. I failed Oda. I’m not going to fail you too.” He gave another dry chuckle, pushing the tears away with the back of his hand. “Oda. Maybe I’ll see him. I’ll… I’ll tell him you said hi, okay? He would have liked you.”
Dazai started to lean back, his eyes closing in bittersweet envy.
He was at his side in a moment, gripping Dazai’s hand so tightly his knuckles turned white.
And then he was falling too, falling through air with Dazai, through nothingness.
His world became blind panic for a moment as he tried his gravity ability. Nothing.
His eyes fell on his hand in Dazai’s, and his heart sank as he made his most heartbreaking deduction yet.
He could let go of him and use his ability to save himself, or he could die with his lover.
Dazai’s gaze met his, and he could see the realization in his eyes. Those eyes.
Warm chocolate eyes.
“I’m sorry for everything, Chuuya Nakahara. Pay my respects to the sun for me, okay?”
And then he let go.