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I realized they were a greater comfort than I ever could be; that’s why I decided it was okay to leave.
Mark hadn’t always felt this way he supposed, back when things were simpler and water didn’t clog his veins. He used to like dancing and rapping, a by-product of being brought up by musical parents. When the open auditions came, his parents were ecstatic that he had decided to take the opportunity.
SM Entertainment had breezed him through, quickly shipping him off to South Korea to train for hours on end. A sick part of Mark liked the way he had no time to think, his body running on auto-pilot to pick up moves and improve his skills. Mark liked the way his eyes drooped impossibly heavy when he didn’t rest, and he especially liked how his body burned with every step he took.
Four years of constant movement suddenly stilled before his eyes the first time he took the stage. Fans cheering for him, for his members, for everything he had worked for. Mark loved his members, he loved the way they became his second family so easily.
Taeyong cared for him like Mark was his kid, they all jokingly called him mom. Doyoung nagged them all, made sure they ate and got enough rest. Jaehyun made Mark feel at home, even as he was 10,745 kilometers away from his real family. Ten made life easier with his constant joking. Taeil enveloped Mark in a blanket of calm, something he didn’t think was totally possible.
Those relationships had flourished over the years, more members added into their community, but they never stole away from the original aura. Yuta and Johnny coming into the mix made it better, finally giving them a “father” figure and someone who really understood what it felt like.
When Mark first met Yuta, his world stopped again. The brown of his irises bore a tunnel straight through Mark’s soul. Mark knew that Yuta understood how the water in his veins was slowly starting to expand, slowly clogging up his heart, almost ready to choke out the beating organ.
Mark saw the same water flowing through Yuta. His water was free however. It flowed through him and lapped at his edges, beautiful sea foam making an appearance as calm waves tickled the edge of his hairline.
Everything about Yuta was what Mark wanted to be. He wished his ocean had decided to love him like Yuta’s did.
Mark remembers the first time his body seized up.
Smiling, laughing, feet making prints in the sand; Mark never knew the ocean could be so beautiful. Yuta turned to look back at him, long hair blowing in the wind, “come on” his eyes whispered.
Yuta ran into the sea, so carefree, so trusting of its welcoming hold. Mark knew he should join him, follow blindly into the waves’ open arms, but he hesitated. He couldn’t trust how inviting the water looked.
The blonde head of hair slowly disappeared, water lapping over his absence. When a smiling Yuta didn’t return a few moments later, Mark dove in.
Freezing currents shocked his body, unintentionally halting him from searching.
Yuta-hyung?
Fingers weakly grasped his ankle and Mark knew it was his hyung. His numb hands slowly found their way onto Yuta’s arm, pulling him up, giving him some much needed air.
Yuta didn’t gasp as expected, his head lolled with unconsciousness, and his heart was so faint. Mark couldn’t see his hyung’s ocean anymore. All that he saw in Yuta’s face was the horrors of his own vast sea, tormenting his hyung with every bit it could.
Mark didn’t know when the current finally dragged them to shore. The moon now shone high above as chest compressions were performed, useless. It was too late. Mark was too late. He had caused his hyung’s end. He swapped their oceans, the water running through his veins froze over, replaced by a warm happy tide.
Angry water had started to swirl its way out of Yuta’s mouth, stream out of his nose, and rush out of eyes. Mark knew that Yuta was gone, and not even the chill of death could anger the now calm ocean in his heart.
Abruptly Mark had awoken from the dream unable to move. The saltwater had rusted his bones together, tied his lips shut. He was screaming internally, somebody had to save his hyung.
At some point his lips ripped apart into a cry, members rushed to Mark who sat panting and eyes darting until his favorite hyung stepped through the door. Yuta pushed his way over to Mark and wrapped arms around his shaking form.
Fresh air found itself in Mark’s lungs as he counted five things he could see, his hyung’s calming waters had mixed with his already.
“I’m good now,” Mark smiled. But it didn’t reach his eyes.
Yuta noticed, but he didn’t say anything; opting to just stay with the poor boy. Soon enough everyone left, but not Yuta.
Mark knew then what he had to do, but he stayed in his hyungs embrace. How could anyone give up themselves for someone who was so past saving?
It happened so many times after that, Mark’s body shutting down after seeing ocean water bubble out of Yuta’s face in a dream. Yuta was always there to comfort him, pushing out the storm brewing within, but it was only a matter of time. Mark knew this.
He also knew that he wasn’t the same for his friends. Mark couldn’t stop them from worrying over performances, if anything he only added to their pressure. He couldn’t stop them from hyperventilating after a long talk with a dance coach or staff member, telling his family how they would never be good enough. Mark couldn’t stop the riptides from picking apart each and every single person that he loved.
One night Mark realized how selfish he had been. Yuta was crying in Taeyong’s room, and a sense of dread had built itself already in Mark’s stomach.
“Mark is just, he really scares me sometimes, Yong. I don’t know what would happen if I wasn’t here, I can’t lose him… not like this.”
An empty glass was dropped onto the carpeted hallway and the front door was left open, wind streaming in as an enraged beast. Yuta knew then that Mark had heard him and that he had left.
Mark didn’t realize where his feet were taking him until the sand squished under his bare toes. The wind pushed against his back, taunting him, daring him to turn around and face the storm that he had just left.
But he didn’t have anything left inside of him to help him walk against the beast that slowly pushed him to the edge of his greatest fear. Water greedily ran over whatever it could, washing over his feet first, then his knees. Slowly, Mark continued his way into the water. Every single thing he was absolutely terrified of pulled his body forward. The fear itself weighed him down, sinking quickly and anchoring Mark to his fate.
Leaving nothing behind was selfish, but who was Mark to care? He had been so greedily seeping at everyone’s happiness already, surely they would secretly sigh in relief. Their sea could finally rest.
Saltwater was nipping at his nose and Mark knew that now it was done. He was done. Finally, the shake in his hands and the burn of his muscles could cease. Mark was at peace with what decision he had made.
Water screamed to be let in, but his mind wouldn’t allow it; not yet at least. Mark’s final air ran out and his mouth just barely allowed a drop of saltwater to sizzle its way onto his tongue. This was the end.
What Mark didn’t notice was how frantic Yuta was once he’d heard the dull thud of a glass dropping and the door flying open. Mark didn’t know how Yuta’s own veins seized up sometimes, the same saltwater rusting his bones. Mark didn’t know that when this happened to his favorite hyung, the only thing that helped was Mark. He didn’t know how sad it made Yuta to see so much of his own fatality in his friend.
This is why Yuta knew he would find Mark at the beach, and how he knew that Mark had already started his descent under the waves when Yuta arrived.
The paramedics came rushing, but never fast enough. It was hard to see his first love’s face spit out saltwater, and it was most definitely hard hearing the paramedics yell “No pulse”time and time again.
When Mark came to, he didn’t remember who had grabbed him out of the water or who had called the ambulance in the first place. All Mark knew was that the ocean inside of his soul was at peace. Yuta’s hand gripped his, water pouring out of his eyes. And for the first time, Mark was happy to see his hyung with an ocean on his cheeks.
Yuta’s sobs of relief were so heart wrenching that Mark vowed to never give into his currents again. Never again would he let his oceans swallow up the people he loved.
Next to him, Mark didn’t realize; Yuta was promising the same thing.