Work Text:
It came slowly. It crept up on you a little each day, whilst you were busy,whilst you were working it crept and it crept until it engulfed you completely.
You were just ordinary, an ordinary shield agent who just so happened to be apart of the avengers. You lived in the tower too, but there was one downside to living with a group of superheros, a billionaire and trained assassins. Ordinary didn’t get you noticed very much. And that was fine. You just wanted to do your job, you were fine with just being there but sometimes, when you lay in bed awake, alone, unable to calm your mind enough to sleep, you just wished that one person, would notice the pain behind your eyes, the anguish behind your rare smile. Hell you shared a living space with at least two people who you knew for certain that could read minds so if anyone knew it would be Wanda or loki.
And someone did know, but you didn’t expect it to be him.
You went running every morning at 5am with Sam and Steve. Sam had been the first person to talk to you when you had stood awkwardly in the corner of the room when Tony had announced you’d be moving in.
You had been on the team for a year at that point, you were friendly with everyone but not close. That changed one morning over breakfast.
“y/n you should come running with me and Steve tomorrow morning!"
"are you saying I need to workout more Sam?” you said, not looking up from your coffee.
“WHa I would never! I just mean I would I mean we would like it if you joined us, wouldn’t we Steve?” he said pleadingly.
And that was the start of your friendship with him. See you didn’t smile very much, but you did always have a sarcastic retort up your sleeve whenever Sam teased you, that’s how you became best friends, you never had to explain when you were being serious or not. He could just tell.
The truth is you only agreed to get up at that ungodly hour because you were hoping it would take away the weight in your chest. You thought breathing the fresh air early in the morning would relieve it.
It didn’t.
You even went to Bruce one morning after you had convinced yourself you were having a heart attack but he’d found nothing physically wrong.
He was very nice about it and said he would be happy to reassure you anytime.
You found sitting up on the balcony, late at night, was a better alternative to tossing and turning in your bed all night. You didn’t see him at first. He was good at that, he was leaning over the railing. He was like you, didn’t talk much, but when he did you found your eyes drifting over to him, the winter soldier.
“It’s nice isn’t it, the view?”
You looked up to the lights that spread out for miles in front of you.
This used to be your favourite spot, you used to come up and stare for hours, caught up in the beauty and amazement of such a view.
You only came out to see if maybe looking out here again would stir something inside you. Anything. Maybe it would begin to untangle the knot that seemed to get tighter with each day.
“mm, it’s nice"
You moved to get up, the lounge chair creaking as you pushed yourself up.
"You don’t have to do that you know"
"What?"
"Pretend, not with me”.
You steadied yourself on the doorframe, let out what sounded like a mix of a whimper and a sob. You wanted to turn round you really did. Instead you pressed your lips together and went back to your room.
It hits you a couple of nights later. The team were having a movie night, natasha had asked you three times throughout the day to join them but you said you were tired.
You had a bathroom attached to your room, it’s there, whilst your gripping the sides of the marble sink, that you realise you can’t bear to look at your reflection in the mirror anymore. And what’s scarier is you don’t know why. You think about putting your hand through it, instead you collapse to the floor with a strangled cry.
“Friday can you ask sergeant Barnes to come to my room please” you choke out.
“Of course agent y/l/n, I’ll send a message to his phone"
You don’t know how long it’s been, probably only a few minutes but it feels like eternity, when you feel something pulling your hand away from your mouth.
"hey, hey its okay, look at me, breathe” he tilts your chin gently and your met with furrowed brows. Concern. Worry.
“I.. I don’t.. how can something hurt so much but at the same time I feel nothing bucky, I don’t feel anything anymore it fuck i don’t feel anything but worry and stress and pain and what the fuck is wrong with me” you sobbed into his chest.
He gently propped your head up
A calloused thumb swiped at your cheek
“Do you feel that"
You sniffled and nodded.
"Okay, now how about this” and he ever so gently grabbed your wrist and placed your hand on his chest. His heartbeat. It thrummed through your fingers and you met his eye,
“See, you can feel that, and I’m here, and it’s okay, y/n, it’s okay, I’ve got you I’m here"
He lifted you off the floor, wrapped up in his huge arms, and moved to the bed, he sat down still holding you, you wrapped your arms tighter around his waist.
"don’t go, please"
"I wouldn’t dream of it doll” bucky whispered as he kissed your forehead