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Charlie
“It’s going to be weird not having you around all the time now that Nick’s at uni,” Sarah Nelson said. She and Charlie were in the car on their way back to Kent, having just said goodbye to Nick after spending the weekend at his university. Charlie would’ve loved to stay longer, maybe forever, but he had school and work and other obligations. It was quite unfair, really.
“I can still come around to yours for dinner sometimes if you want!” Charlie said. “It’s not that I have anything better to do. Plus, he will be home on weekends sometimes.”
Sarah chuckled. “Don’t you have a social life outside poor old Mama Nelson?”
Charlie shrugged. Right now, he really didn’t see himself regularly hanging out with anyone when Nick wasn’t there. It would just make him realise how much he missed his boyfriend. “You know I need a new excuse to see my best friends Nellie and Henry now, Sarah,” he said.
She laughed. “I’m just looking out for you. You need to make sure to spend time with people your age, you know?”
“And I will! I’ll see my friends at school and Nick and I have plenty of zoom dates planned. You don’t need to worry about me.”
Sarah nodded. “Of course.”
They drove in silence. Charlie unlocked his phone. He’d texted Nick a while ago, but Nick was at some Freshers event tonight and hadn’t replied yet. So Charlie’s home screen looked the way it had last time he checked – an email thanking him for signing a government petition and a message from Tao asking him when he’d be at school tomorrow. He didn’t have the energy to look at either of those, though.
Charlie leaned his head against the window, feeling empty. What was he supposed to do now?
Tao
Tao was in a foul mood. He’d spent the entirety of last evening talking to Elle over FaceTime and completely forgotten to do his maths homework. And he’d hoped that he could just copy it off Charlie before class today, but Charlie had never replied to Tao’s message and the lesson was about to start with no sign of his friend.
Tao’s mind was close to spiralling into worry that something had happened to Charlie when he barged into the room.
“Cutting it awfully close, are we?” Tao noted.
“Sorry, I didn’t sleep much last night,” Charlie said.
Tao softened “Are you okay?” he asked. Maybe he was right to be worried. He knew by now that his friend didn’t handle big changes very well and this was as large a change as any.
“I’m fine!” Charlie said, noticing the look on Tao’s face. “I mean… As fine as I can be. But I’m eating okay if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Tao nodded. “Good.” He wanted to ask more questions, just like he always did with Charlie, but the lesson had begun.
Charlie
Charlie was having a hard time over lunch, so he found a secluded spot on the school grounds FaceTimed Nick, who picked up after three rings.
“What’s up?” Nick asked. Charlie could see a group of people behind him.
“Are you busy right now?” Charlie asked.
“You know I always have time for my favourite person.” Nick fully took Charlie in and frowned, concerned. “Are you okay? Do you need me to keep you company for lunch?” he asked.
“If you have other plans that’s okay, I’ll manage,” Charlie said.
“I do have some very special lunch plans with my boyfriend right now.”
Charlie smiled.
Tao
Tao was washing the dishes because apparently he didn’t have anything better to do on a Friday evening. Charlie was once again on a zoom date with Nick, Elle was at a get-together with her new uni friends and Aled was doing Aled things. Tao didn’t quite know what it was he was doing, but it left Tao home alone and stir-crazy. Not even his cat, Bean, was anywhere to be found.
He decided to indulge his attention-seeking whore side and snapped a picture of the sink for his Instagram story, captioning it ‘pov: nobody has time to hang out so you make friends with the dishes in your sink’. He added a few googly-eye stickers to the picture to make it look like the plates had faces. Satisfied, he posted it to his story.
He was lying face-down on the dinner table listening to obscure indie music when his phone rang. It was Charlie.
“You’ve reached the residence of one Mr. Tao Xu,” Tao said. His voice was muffled due to the fact that his cheek was still pressed to the table.
“Hello this is Mr. Charles Spring. May I ask what Mr. Tao Xu is up to right now?”
“I’m lying face-down on the dinner table listening to obscure indie music,” Tao answered.
Charlie laughed. “I saw your Instagram story. You know, if you wanted to hang out tonight you could’ve just said so.”
“Don’t you have something with Nick?” Tao asked.
“Only for an hour. He has some rugby party tonight,” Charlie said.
“Ugh. Sports.” Tao groaned as he twisted his body around, somehow managing to sit up.
“So, should I come over?” Charlie asked.
Charlie
When Charlie and Tao were in their early teens, they watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at least once every three months. That tradition died down around the time Charlie started falling for Nick, but tonight they made the decision to revive it.
Tao whipped up a bowl of popcorn and a jug of vodka-coke “to signal that we’re older now” and they spent the next two hours watching the movie and coming up with an elaborate drinking game to accompany it.
About three-quarters into the film, when both of them had long downed their drinks and were too tired to get a refill, Tao took Charlie’s hand and put his head on Charlie’s shoulder. They stayed that way until long after the end credit scene, until long after the TV had shut down on its own. Charlie didn’t remember the last time he and Tao had a quiet moment like this, just the two of them huddled up.
“Probably before you and Nick started going out,” Tao said. Charlie realised that he’d spoken his thoughts out loud.
“Yeah…” he said. Then: “I miss Nick.”
Tao didn’t say anything, but a few moments later he was on his feet, letting go of Charlie’s hand. He walked over to the DVD player to eject the disc.
“I think I’m going to sleep now,” he said.
Tao
Elle was glowing a lot these days. She’d joined a society for trans students at her university, along with this other girl, Yuki, who Elle had started talking to after meeting on a message board. In a short amount of time, she’d been able to find a group of friends and a community, and Tao was incredibly happy for her. But. Part of him was also jealous. Not necessarily of Yuki – even though she and Elle had instantly clicked and she made Elle very happy, Tao knew that Yuki was aro-ace, so there was no danger of him being replaced. Maybe he was jealous of how easy it was for Elle to connect to people, while he was still back in Kent. Back in Kent with no idea who he could turn to anymore.
“Are you doing okay over there?” Elle asked. They were FaceTiming.
Tao sighed. Of course Elle had picked up on his inner turmoil. “I just miss you a lot. It gets very lonely over here.”
Elle frowned. “What about Charlie and Aled? Or do you just mean lonely in the romantic sense? Because Yuki could rant for hours about how fucked-up that is.”
“No… it’s just… Charlie’s still just constantly talking to Nick on the phone and visiting him on weekends, and even when he’s not talking to Nick he’s still talking about Nick and it’s exhausting. And I don’t know what Aled does on his days off, but he also never has time to hang out.”
“You know that friendship is a two-way street, right? If you want Charlie to spend more time and talk about Nick less just… tell him. Grab him by the shoulders and shake him if you must.”
“Hm… I guess that makes sense…” Tao sighed. “Uni made you really wise, you know that?”
Elle chuckled, a faraway look on her face. “Yeah, I guess it really puts a lot of things in perspective.”
Charlie
Tao threw his lunchbox onto the table and loudly declared: “My cousin is getting married this Saturday.”
“Good for them,” Charlie said.
“I need a plus one.”
“Can Elle come this weekend?”
“Maybe I don’t want Elle to be my plus one.”
“Why? She’s your girlfriend…”
“And you guys are my best friends!”
Aled cleared his throat. “I have a family thing this weekend. I’m really sorry…”
Tao smiled at Aled. “It’s fine, thank you still.” Then he looked at Charlie again.
Charlie frowned. “I was going to see Nick this weekend…”
“Please, Charlie, don’t you see Nick in person almost every weekend anyway? Can’t you survive without him this once? For me?”
Charlie was conflicted. Tao was right; he did see Nick most weekends, but Nick was his boyfriend, and he wanted to be close to him as much as he could. It’s what they’d always done, after all. Then again, what was one weekend in the grand scheme of things. “I guess… fine. Fine, I’ll be your plus one.”
Tao grinned and leaned across the lunch table to awkwardly wrap his arms around Charlie. “Thank you, you’re a star!”
Charlie smiled weakly, then focused on his lunch again.
Tao
Watching his cousin tie herself to some random white guy whose name Tao couldn’t even remember, Tao had an epiphany. Namely, that this sucked balls. All of this. His cousin said something about how she had never loved anyone the way she loved Just-Some-Guy, and Tao wanted to vomit. Just-Some-Guy said that he’d care about her and only her until the day he died and Tao wanted to stuff his ears with superglue. He looked at Charlie and found his best friend suppressing a tear. That made him want to superglue his eyes shut, too.
Once the ceremony was finished and they made their way over to the reception, Tao expressed his frustrations to Charlie. “This was fucking shit.”
“What do you mean?” Charlie asked.
“Just… all of this. The fucking sleazy festivities that basically glorify some pact to spend the rest of your life with one person and one person only unless you wanna go through some tedious legal process, you know?”
Charlie shrugged. “I think it’s nice. It’s about putting your trust into someone you love. Don’t you want to marry Elle someday?”
“Elle doesn’t want to get married.”
“Oh. Well if that’s okay with you… good for her!” Then: “I think I want to marry Nick.”
“Peak,” Tao muttered.
“Huh?”
“Nothing. Wanna get drunk on wedding-wine?”
Charlie
And drunk on wedding-wine they did get. Tao stole a bottle from the bar and they sat down in a semi-secluded spot against the wall, watching the dancing guests from the other side of a row of tables.
“I just think more horror movies should be about marriage and weddings. There’s so much potential for some message about ideals of romance and monogamy with a very particular aesthetic and also church… religious… symbolism…” Tao was saying.
“Aren’t brides a common like… slasher thingy?”
“Ye but thass different!” Tao said. “Let’s dance!”
“I don’t wanna stand uppppp,” Charlie complained.
Tao turned his upper body towards Charlie and grabbed his shoulder in one hand, taking Charlie’s with his other. Charlie laughed and put his free hand on Tao’s waist and the two of them rocked back and forth in time with the music.
Charlie was having more fun than he thought he’d be having.
Tao
“Twist and Shout” by The Beatles had played at the reception. That song was on the Ferris Bueller soundtrack which was funny because Ferris Bueller was their movie.
They were in the courtyard of the wedding venue. Tao was standing on the ledge of a fountain, doing a stunning performance of the song, while Charlie was doubled over, laughing. And then he was rolling on the floor laughing, just like the abbreviation. Tao bowed and jumped down, laying down next to Charlie on the cold ground while they both finished laughing. There were stars in the sky.
“Sometimes,” Charlie said, “I wish I could put some sort of bubble around a great moment and just relive it whenever I feel sad.”
Tao nodded. “I get what you mean.”
“I think… this is one of them.”
Tao looked at Charlie. Those words warmed him more than the wine ever could. “I think so too,” he said. “So you’re not mad that I made you miss your Nick visit anymore?”
“I was never mad! And yeah… I mean I don’t have to see him every weekend, right?”
Tao smiled. “Cool.”
“It’s not like Nick would’ve ever drunkenly recreated a scene from Ferris Bueller , so…”
“Does Nick even know Ferris Bueller or does he only watch Marvel Crap-ematic Universe films?”
Charlie snorted. “Nah, I made sure to watch Ferris Bueller with him.”
Tao frowned. Charlie had watched their movie with Nick? Without even thinking of inviting Tao? Even though Tao hadn’t watched the movie since the last time the two of them saw it together?
But then Charlie shifted and wrapped his arms around Tao, and Tao forgot all about being mad.
Charlie
And slowly but surely, Charlie and Tao started spending more time together.
Sometimes to study, sometimes to do fun activities. Sometimes at Tao’s, sometimes at Charlie’s. Sometimes with Aled, sometimes just the two of them. Sometimes to talk about their partners, sometimes - more often than not - to talk about literally anything else. And Charlie enjoyed it. At times he realised hours had gone by without him missing Nick once. But, more importantly, he realised how much Tao had been missing from his life. Sometimes it felt like the two of them had grown up without each other, despite having been in each other’s lives constantly, and Charlie was getting to know all sorts of new sides of Tao that he’d never noticed before.
“So, is Tao your new boyfriend?”
Charlie whipped around from his spot at the front door where he’d just said goodbye to Tao and found Tori, sipping diet lemonade, as always.
“What the fuck? No?”
Tori cackled. “I didn’t think so. But now you see how annoying it is when people constantly ask you if someone is your boyfriend.”
She turned around and started walking up the stairs towards her room.
“Well excuse me if you and Michael don’t act like ‘friends’ do!”
“What do you know about how friends are supposed to act?”
“I-”
They’d reached Tori’s room and Tori flung herself onto her bed.
“Look, I’ve told you this before. Michael and I aren’t ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ because our relationship doesn’t fit into society’s fucked-up notions of what ‘romantic’ and ‘platonic’ mean. We’re just… us, you know? We love each other, but in a way that is undefinable, so we’re not going to bother following the narrative prescribed to us. Just because we hold hands and occasionally kiss doesn’t mean we have to follow that script. Do every couply thing under the moon. Have sex and so on. We’re not like that.”
Charlie nodded slowly. “I think I get what you mean.”
“Really?”
“I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship like that but…” For a quick second, Tao’s face flashed in his mind. “I mean, the spirit of being queer is to fuck the rules, right? Relationships shouldn’t be regulated.”
“Exactly!” Tori said.
“I’m sorry for bugging you about Michael so much.”
Tori shrugged. “Thank you.”
Tao
It was the last Thursday before the winter break and the local cinema was having a one-time showing of one of Tao’s favourite old movies, Rashomon. Tao was dragging Aled and Charlie along. He was looking forward to chatting their ears full over hot chocolate later about how the film worked with time and memory and narrative structures and subjective perspectives and how the audience was directly involved as judges – all kinds of pretentious film kid stuff. But the film was starting in 15 minutes and Charlie was nowhere to be seen.
“I’ll get the tickets already,” Tao said, “you try and call him again.”
That’s what Tao did. The ever-present pit of dread started developing in Tao, the dread he always felt when Charlie was acting weird or not answering. From afar he saw that Aled was talking into his phone, so Tao rushed over to him.
“Okay…” Aled was saying, looking lost. “Hang on, Tao is here.”
Aled handed the phone over to Tao. “Where the fuck are you?” he asked.
“I’m so fucking sorry I completely forgot this was happening today,” Charlie said.
“Will you be here soon, then?”
“Uh… well, see, the reason I forgot is because Nick surprised me. He came home a day early for Christmas… So I’m still at home and I don’t think I’ll make it in time…”
Tao’s grip tightened on Aled’s phone. “Sure. Whatever. See you tomorrow.” He hung up.
Then he threw the phone to the ground and stormed off, seeing red. He took the bus. Got off at Charlie’s stop. Sprinted to his door, and rang the doorbell. Stormed upstairs and burst into Charlie’s room where Nick and Charlie were lying on the bed.
“Tao?” Charlie asked. “Are you okay?”
“No I’m not fucking okay! Ever since you got a boyfriend it’s all been ‘Nick’ this and ‘Nick’ that and I’m fucking sick of it! Did you ever waste a fucking second of your fucking life to think about who you left behind? Or did your rose-tinted glasses make you fucking stupid?”
“Tao? Are you okay?”
Tao blinked. The edge of Aled’s phone was digging into his hand and Aled was looking at him, concerned.
“I’m fine. I don’t know what to do with the third ticket I bought, though.”
“Well… I have a friend who lives about five minutes from here…”
***
Aled’s friend was called Daniel. Tao clocked quickly that the word “friend” had a different meaning for the two of them, but he decided not to comment on it. He knew Aled felt different about relationships in general, even though they had never outright talked about it. It was something Tao greatly admired. The relationships thing, that is.
Perhaps they could all learn something from Aled.
Charlie
After the call with Tao, Charlie spent the entire evening riddled with guilt. He even considered legging it over to the cinema after all, but it was as though something kept him glued to the spot until it was too late. Nick obviously picked up on the fact that Charlie wasn’t enjoying the time with him, that his mind was preoccupied. In the end, he left early and Charlie went to bed. He decided to make everything okay at school tomorrow.
***
The next day at school, however, Charlie didn’t see Tao until he bumped into him in the empty bathroom after lunch.
“Oh, you,” Tao said coldly. He walked over to the sinks, pointedly avoiding Charlie’s gaze.
“Have you been avoiding me?” Charlie asked.
Tao shrugged. “Pretty sure you were the one avoiding me yesterday.”
“Listen, Tao, I’m so fucking sorry for forgetting our plans yesterday. It’s just that Nick came, and I hadn’t seen him in a long time, so the time just slipped away, and-”
“Why did you watch Ferris Bueller with Nick? Without me?” Tao finally turned to face Charlie.
Charlie was baffled. Out of all the things, Ferris Bueller was the last thing he’d expected Tao to bring up right now. “I mean… it’s just a movie… is that really such a big deal?”
“But see, it’s not just a movie. Just like yesterday wasn’t just a movie either. It’s the fact that ever since you fell in love with Nick it’s been so fucking hard to be your friend! You spend almost every waking moment either with him, talking about him, thinking about him and it’s so. Fucking. Exhausting . I mean, it took Nick moving across the country for us to finally start hanging out outside school more often again! And even then he still seems to preoccupy your mind all the time. It’s just-” Tao’s voice broke. He looked close to tears. “I love you so much, Charlie. But I can’t be your friend when I always feel like I’m only your second priority.”
“Oh,” was all Charlie could say.
“Yeah. Oh.” Tao grabbed a paper towel, furiously wiped his hands, then forcefully threw it in the bin. “And while we’re on it, I always hated that Nick was the only one who ever got to visit you at the hospital.”
With that, Tao walked out of the bathroom, leaving a still reeling Charlie. If Charlie had felt remorseful before, it was nothing compared to the waves of guilt washing over him now.
Tao
Tao was pacing in his room, monologuing. “It’s like he doesn’t even care that there’s other people in his life! I mean, you were there, you remember how we slowly stopped even trying to ask him to hang out one-on-one because it was always like ‘nooo, Nick and I have plans’ bullshit. I’m so sick of constantly being the one to reach out and trying to make sure we don’t completely grow apart! I deserve to be a first choice, too! I mean, I’m not out here putting my partner over everyone else…”
Aled scoffed at that. Tao whipped around to look at him. “What?”
“Nothing,” Aled said.
Tao narrowed his eyes. “No, Aled, you have something on your mind. Please just tell me this once. I need someone to be real with me.”
“I-” Aled looked down at his hands, conflicted. “I just- remember Paris?”
Tao nodded. “Of course I remember Paris.”
“Well… before we went I kept thinking that Paris could be the perfect opportunity to… I don’t know… finally grow closer to you and Charlie and Elle. I was so ready to finally open up and tell you stuff, but then… first I found out that Charlie was dating Nick, and then the two of you had that whole drama over it, and then you got together with Elle, and… I just don’t think you can say that you’ve never put your partner above anyone else, that’s all.”
“Oh,” was all Tao could say. Fuck .
Aled shrugged.
Tao sat down on the bed next to Aled and hugged him. It was slightly awkward. “ Fuckkkkkk . I don’t -- I never realised. I’m so sorry, Aled.”
Aled shrugged again. “What’s done is done.”
“You deserve way better friends than us.” Tao was starting to tear up.
“I’m sure I’ll find one someday. But… you’re not a bad friend, Tao. I know you care so much.”
“Yeah.” Tao wiped his eyes. “Sorry, I don’t want to make everything about me. If you want you can tell me something now. Something you wanted to tell us in Paris.”
Aled smiled faintly. “Okay. I’ll- I’ll show you.”
He took out his phone. A few seconds later a soothing voice spilled out of the speakers. “ Hello. I hope somebody is listening… ”
Charlie
Charlie thought about preparing some sort of big, romantic comedy-esque gesture for Tao, or maybe writing him a heartfelt letter. In the end he just decided to text him if they wanted to meet up somewhere. Tao agreed, so that’s how Charlie ended up sitting across from Tao on his bed the day before Christmas Eve.
“So,” Charlie said.
“So,” Tao said.
“I really fucked up.”
“Yeah. I think we both did.”
Charlie nodded. “You’re right. I do… I have spent way too much time with Nick, and when he went to uni, well… it really really hurt, which is part of the whole problem. But it did help me realise how much you mean to me, and I feel so, so awful and guilty for making you feel like I don’t love you, because I do -” Charlie’s voice cracked and he felt his face heat up with the threat of tears.
“I get it,” Tao said. “I… fuck . Okay. I get the guilt because… Charlie, that’s how I’ve felt about you for a long time.”
“What do you mean?”
Tao closed his eyes. Tears started spilling through his eyelashes. “It’s like… first there was the fact that I accidentally outed you to the whole school. My stupid actions were the reason you got bullied for months on end.”
Charlie grabbed Tao’s hands. He was crying too. “But we’ve talked about this before! It was an honest accident, and you were always there for me, you were my best friend throughout all of it! And I botched that by neglecting you for Nick as soon as he came into my life!”
“Yeah, but that’s not all! I just- I never realised ! You had a literal eating disorder and I didn’t realise until it was too late and I hate it. I was too wrapped up in my new relationship with Elle that I couldn’t see that my best friend was suffering right in front of me.” He furiously wiped his tears, but they were quickly replaced with more. “A- Aled said that I was just as bad about only prioritising my girlfriend, and while part of it was definitely because I felt abandoned by you and Elle just filled the space you left, I think it was also more comfortable, at least in the beginning, because with her I didn’t have to face all of the guilt, the guilt that seemed to just constantly fester in the back of my head whenever I thought about you.”
“I- I don’t want you to feel guilty for not realising that I was struggling, Tao. I didn’t want anyone to realise.”
“I know. But Nick figured it out.”
Charlie nodded. “He did.” They looked down at the mattress in silence.
“So, what now?” Tao finally asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t want you to feel guilty anymore.”
“Me neither. I don’t want either of us to feel that way about each other.”
“Yeah. But I also don’t want to stop being your friend. Not after I finally realised just how much my friends mean to me, and how stupid I was for not realising that sooner.”
Tao nodded. “I guess we can only move forward from here, then. The future is all we ever have, don’t we?”
“Yeah. As long as we don’t forget to learn from our mistakes and vow to be better.”
“I think that could work.”
Tao
Charlie left soon after their talk as neither of them felt like they could immediately jump back to normal after everything they’d confessed. Which was just as well, since Tao had to get ready to meet Elle at the station.
It was great seeing Elle again. She’d brought Yuki with her since Yuki’s family was awful, but Elle and Tao met up alone again in the early evening at Tao’s. After some much-needed making out, Elle confessed that she needed to talk to him about something.
“What?” Tao asked, concerned.
“Um… I… I really don’t know how to say this.”
Tao’s mind immediately jumped to every possible worst-case scenario. “Just say it!”
“Alright, okay. I- I’ve fallen in love.”
She… what? “You… what?” A pit of dread forced itself into Tao’s stomach.
“It’s not like that!” Elle said.
“What is it like then?” Tao could feel tears prickling in his eyes. “‘Cause to me it sounds like you don’t love me anymore!”
“See, that’s the thing! I do still love you! If anything I love you more every day!”
“But… not romantically?”
“Yes romantically!” Elle sighed frustratedly. “Please listen to me, Tao!”
Tao pressed his lips together and looked at Elle, waiting for her to explain.
“I met this person at uni called Shane and we really hit it off and after some time I started realising that I was developing… feelings for them. And for a while I was really distraught because I kept thinking about you and I was scared that that meant I suddenly didn’t want to be with you anymore, but I realised that wasn’t true, my feelings for Shane didn’t cancel out my feelings for you. I realised that I like you both and that I’m… polyamorous.”
“Oh.”
“So… yeah. I kind of need you to be okay with that because I love you, Tao, and I’d hate it if I couldn’t be with you anymore, but if you were the only person I can be with… I don’t know, I’ve realised I just can’t do that anymore. I want to explore my other options, see where this thing with Shane takes me and all of that.”
Tao nodded slowly. “I think…” He didn’t know what he thought. This was a lot to take in. “I think I need some time to think about this.”
Elle nodded as well. “Okay. I’ll leave you to it.”
She stood up and left his room with one last weak smile in his direction.
Charlie
Charlie had been looking forward to the Paris Squad reuniting at Christmas for months. He’d never thought that having everyone in his living room again would feel so different and awful. Sahar was spending her holidays abroad. Things between him and Tao were still weird. Tao and Elle were strangely distant. And Charlie couldn’t even enjoy being in Nick’s presence, because well… Charlie didn’t know why. But things felt different. His mind couldn’t stop spinning.
Weirdly enough, Tara and Darcy seemed to be having the best time together, even though they’d broken up before leaving for uni and Darcy was dating a girl she’d met at her university’s pride society. Charlie would’ve expected them to stay out of each other’s way, but they were just as they’d been when dating. Except without the romantic component.
“You look like something’s going through your mind.” Charlie looked up. Elle sat down next to him at the dining table.
“Hm,” Charlie said.
“I get you.”
After a moment of contemplative silence, Charlie spoke up again. “So, Tara and Darcy seem to still be getting along well.”
“Yeah, I mean they’re still best friends.”
“Really?”
“Is that so hard to believe?”
“I don’t know, I just assumed that between breaking up and moving to different parts of the country… you know.”
Elle shrugged. “I’m still just as close to both of them too. And you and Nick also still see each other regularly.”
“But Nick and I…” Charlie didn’t know how to end that sentence. “I just… I wouldn’t know how to remain such close friends with someone I’ve broken up with, that’s all.”
“I would. In the end Tara and Darcy love each other just as much as before they broke up. That hasn’t changed just because the love is more platonic than romantic now, you know?”
“I suppose…”
Charlie spotted Tao across the room, looking at the two of them. Tao quickly averted his eyes.
“Is… Is something going on between you and Tao?” Charlie asked.
Elle sighed. “It’s complicated.”
Charlie waited for her to decide whether she wanted to elaborate or change the subject.
“I told him that I’m polyamorous,” she finally said.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. And that I want to date other people while also dating him. But I don’t know if he’s okay with that which is killing me.”
“That sucks, I’m sorry,” Charlie said. “Not the polyamorous thing, that’s great and I’m proud of you for following your wants. The Tao thing.”
Elle chuckled. “Thank you.” Then: “Are… you and Tao okay?”
Charlie sighed. “I don’t know. We had a huge fight recently because he felt like I was choosing Nick over him and we talked about it but I still don’t know if everything’s okay.”
“Were you?”
“What?”
“Choosing Nick over him?”
Charlie was silent. He knew what the answer was, but he felt horrible about it and part of him wanted to shield himself from any judgment Elle might have. But a bigger part of him knew he had to face his faults.
“Remember when Tao got me tickets to see Henry Maddox?” he asked.
“I do. Tao was really excited to give you those, he knew you’d be over the moon.”
“Yeah. Just… why did I give the other ticket to Nick instead of him?”
Elle looked down at her fingernails. “Tao asked me the same thing back then.”
“So, he was upset?”
“I think we all were. Even though it didn’t affect Aled and me directly, other instances… did affect us.”
Charlie knew what she meant. For a long time the four of them had only had each other. And Charlie had chosen Nick over all of them.
“I’m so sorry.”
Elle took his hand and smiled weakly. “What are you gonna do now?”
He looked at Elle. Then he looked across the room at Tara and Darcy. Aled. Tao. And finally, Nick.
And he knew the answer to Elle’s question.
Tao
It was freezing outside but Tao desperately needed fresh air, a relief from the suffocation he felt inside Charlie’s living room. He’d been sitting on Charlie’s porch steps for about five minutes when he heard a voice behind him.
“This seat taken?” It was Charlie.
Tao scooted over and Charlie sat down next to him on the step.
“Elle told me about the whole… polyamorous thing,” Charlie said.
“Oh. Yeah.”
“What are you gonna do?”
Tao shrugged. He hated that Elle and Charlie might think of him as some sort of… bigot who didn’t support Elle’s identity. It had just come as a shock. He supposed that part of him had always enjoyed the thought of being Elle’s person, and all of this was shaking up this entire picture.
“I think…” Charlie started. “No, I know… I need to break up with Nick.”
Tao’s head shot up. For a moment he wondered if Charlie had been replaced with an evil clone, or possessed by a demon. “ What? ”
“I’ve realised that ever since we got together we’ve been just… so wrapped up in each other, so codependent that… I don’t know. That I never noticed how much damage we’ve caused, both to our other relationships and to us.”
“Wow.”
“Like… Nick is at uni right now, and he’s supposed to be putting himself out there and making new friends, but instead he spends most of his weekends with me, and most of his nights talking to me on the phone. I don’t want to be holding him back like that, you know? And I feel like I never learned how to function without him either, which is scary when you have my mental health track record.”
Tao nodded.
“And then there’s my friendships. I always thought that romance was the most important thing in the world, and that you were only worth something when somebody loved you that way. And then when Nick and I got together I was so thrilled about finally having those feelings and having someone who felt the same way about me that I just got so caught up in it all and at some point it was too late for me to realise how much you and Elle and Aled mean to me. And now since Nick left for uni I have realised that.”
Tao noticed that tears were starting to pool in Charlie’s eyes.
“You mean so much to me, Tao. And I’m so so fucking sorry that it’s taken me this long to realise that.”
Charlie looked at Tao, right into Tao’s eyes and Tao’s heart melted. He reached over and then they were wrapped in each other’s arms, both of them crying.
“You mean everything to me too,” Tao said.
And when they pulled away from each other after what felt like half an hour and Charlie mentioned that his butt was about to freeze off, Tao realised all of it. The full picture. Charlie was his person just as much as Elle was. And if Elle wasn’t his only person, why should he be hers?
“We should go inside and talk to a few people,” Tao said.
***
Elle was pouring herself a drink in the kitchen when Tao launched himself into her arms.
“Whoa!” Elle exclaimed.
“You should date Shane,” Tao said.
“Really? And…”
“And also me. I want to stay together. I love you so much.”
The smile that broke out on Elle’s face was radiant. “Okay. Cool.”
Tao grinned. “So. Tell me everything about Shane.”
Charlie
Charlie waited until everyone else was gone to talk to Nick. They went up to his room for it. They sat down across from each other on Charlie’s bed, a place filled with memories of Nick. Now they’d add one more. Maybe for the last time.
“Something’s wrong,” Nick said.
Of course he’d noticed. Nick wasn’t stupid.
Charlie wanted to cry.
“Something’s been wrong for a while,” Charlie said.
Nick looked down. He nodded slowly.
“Nick…” Charlie closed his eyes. Why was this so hard ? “We need to break up. For real this time.”
Nick looked up, tears welling in his eyes. That made Charlie’s heart break more than anything. “Why?”
And Charlie knew that a small part of Nick probably knew this was coming. Probably had known for a while. That didn’t make it hurt any less for either of them.
“Because…” Charlie whispered through tears of his own. “Because we’re too codependent. And I don’t think that’s helping either of us.”
Nick sobbed. “Is there nothing that could save us?”
“It’s…” And Charlie decided to tell Nick everything that had been going on. And then they talked. But Charlie still knew how he had to answer Nick’s question.
“No. But I don’t think we need saving. I still want to be in your life because I still love you, Nick. I just don’t think we should be boyfriends at the moment.”
Nick nodded. “I still want to be in your life too. But I think… if we’re gonna do this I think I need a bit of space from you for a while.”
Fresh tears fell down Charlie’s cheeks. But he understood. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
***
When Charlie texted Tao at 1am that he was at Tao’s front door, Tao made him a cup of tea and wrapped him in a blanket and they watched Ferris Bueller on Tao’s bed. Bean seemed to sense that Charlie needed comfort, too, so she curled up on his lap.
Charlie had tended to think he was more of a dog person, but feeling Bean’s soft purrs against his legs, he wasn’t so sure anymore. Whoever decided you had to choose between dogs and cats was wrong.
Tao and Charlie
“I have a present for you,” Charlie said.
“I love presents!” Tao said.
He was sitting on a bench by the Seine. Charlie had just returned from a snack run to a kiosk. A kiosque, as the French would say. The two of them were celebrating the end of their school years by interrailing, and Paris was both the first and last stop on their journey.
Tao took the plastic bag that Charlie had offered him and removed its contents.
“It’s a padlock!” Tao exclaimed. “Is this because I got my phone stolen on the train to Budapest?”
Charlie laughed. “That was quite some drama. Good thing we found it again.”
“Yeah. That eight year-old kid will forever be my mortal enemy though.”
They grinned at each other.
“I actually got the lock because I want to write our names on it and fasten it to that bridge with all the locks on it, the Pont des Arts bridge. As a sort of symbol that we won’t let anything get between us ever again, you know?”
“That’s really cheesy,” Tao said, but he didn’t mean it in a bad way. And Charlie knew that.
***
“Well that’s disappointing,” Tao said.
They were on the Pont des Arts bridge. The bridge where you had been able to fasten a padlock to the rails. Until the city of Paris decided to remove all the locks. Too much weight.
“I think it’s really funny, actually,” Charlie said.
Tao looked at him.
“It’s kind of metaphorical, you know?” Charlie continued. “All of these padlocks that stand for all of these couples, most of which have probably broken up by now, fastened to one bridge, so that eventually the weight just got too much and someone had to intervene before the whole thing crashed down. Maybe if more people realised that the weight of society’s conventions and expectations around relationships and romance was a safety hazard, we could work towards replacing the grilles with glass panels too.”
Tao grinned. He loved his best friend. “Grilles and glass panels standing for love. I love that.” Then he yelled across the Seine. “I love you, Charlie!”
Charlie laughed. He loved his best friend too. “And I love you, Tao!” he yelled.
***
In the end they decided to keep the padlock and the key. Charlie wrote ‘Tao + Charlie’ on it and Tao added a little grinning smiley and a heart. At any given moment, one of them would have the lock and the other one the key, and they’d alternate. Share custody. It would force them to visit each other at least once a month when they were both at uni.
Because neither of them wanted to lose what they’d worked to hard to regain ever again.