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It felt so hard to say what she needed to next. The words clogged in her throat, clinging on for dear life, scraping at the sides with claws as sharp as nails, cutting and bleeding until she managed to force them out. She was gentle, though, with each and every syllable. For Yaz, she would make sure of that.
“But I can’t.”
The look on Yaz’s face was near unbearable to witness, so the Doctor turned away and continued to busy herself with saving the world, pulling and twisting at bubbling pipes and dodging a spittle of sparks. Yaz’s whole body slumped at the Doctor’s honesty, words of tired desperation falling from her own lips.
“Why not?”
The Doctor paused then, one hand gripping a pipe that she was ready to yank from a machine, the other a rod that would save the planet. Realistically, now was no time to pause and contemplate, no time to examine Yaz’s face for every incremental little micro-expression and yet—
“I–”
The Doctor tried (and failed) to gather her thoughts. Subconsciously, she knew why. There were plenty of reasons for why they couldn’t that matched the number of reasons why the Doctor wanted to anyways. One of them was how exceptionally good Yaz looked in pirate attire.
Without thinking, the Doctor let selfish, dangerous words slip past her lips. Big, dangerous words. Seriously dangerous words.
She dropped the pipe. It clattered to the ground.
“I don’t know.”
Greens and reds pulsed around them, alerting them to the impending doom of a planet about to be flipped on its head.
But for once in her life, just for a second, the Doctor didn’t care about planet Earth.
Instead, at that very moment, she stepped toward the one thing consuming her every thought. The one thing that made her dumb and stupid and selfish and brave. So very brave. But so very, very stupid.
Yaz had completely frozen, eyes scanning every inch of the Doctor’s face as she stepped closer until they were inches apart. The Doctor wasn’t sure how long it had been since Yaz last sucked in a breath. Even in the harsh neon green, the contrast of the shadows still captured her beauty and the Doctor couldn’t resist reaching up to touch it.
Her fingertips skimmed along the sharp edge of Yaz’s jaw before sliding around the back of her neck to run through the fine hairs that had slipped from her tight bun.
Yaz’s next breath fell hot and sharp against the Doctor’s lips when she was pulled ever closer, foreheads bumping lightly as their gazes dipped and met over and over. The Doctor squeezed her eyes shut for only a moment – it felt a crime not to be losing herself in Yaz’s eyes – to give the tiniest shake of her head as she uttered her next words into the gap between their pleading lips.
“I don’t know…”
And so, the Doctor decided to say ‘screw you’ to Time itself when she pressed her lips to Yaz’s own. She surged forwards, harsher than planned, and Yaz took a step back with the force of it.
Yaz’s lips were soft as she consumed the Doctor, hot and sweet and tasting slightly of the peppermint chewing gum that she’d spat out just before they’d left the TARDIS a few hours ago. It made the Doctor crave more as she pushed Yaz’s back up against the machine next to them, the desire to be touching every part of her body completely overwhelming. The Doctor deepened the kiss, brushing her tongue along Yaz’s lower lip before dipping it into her mouth with a content sigh.
Yaz’s hands ran through her hair, grasping gently at her roots to bring her closer, her own hands wandering up Yaz’s sides before gliding back down the silken fabric of her top to settle on her hips. Everything about her felt so good, and every second they kissed made the Doctor desperate for more. So, an exploratory hand found the hem of Yaz’s wrap skirt and pushed the soft fabric aside to seek out the strong curve of her thigh before hoisting it up to rest over her hip. Yaz gasped into her mouth, pausing for only a second to nod her consent before their lips met again, hot and heavy and intense as the Doctor let her free hand venture lower and lower and lower until—
The Doctor shot up from where her head rested against the arm of the sofa, an unfinished book sliding off her chest with a thump against the ground. She swallowed hard, panting heavily as her head darted around the room to find she was fortunately alone, only the roaring heat of the library fire keeping her company.
The Doctor ran a hand down her face, smearing a bead of sweat from her hairline down to her temple as she flopped back against the sofa cushions with a frustrated groan.
“This needs to stop,” she said to herself, the words muffled into the palms of her hands.
And it did — need to stop. Because this wasn’t the first time. In fact, since their run-in with the sea devils, the Doctor’s million miles an hour brains wouldn’t let her sleep without thinking of the what-ifs of every single scenario from that day. Funnily enough, every single what-if ended with them kissing. Every. Single. Time. Without fail.
This was when the Doctor hated her inability to shut off her thoughts, their non-existent off button ensuring her suffering – because it wasn’t fair. Because she knew full well that they couldn’t do what her brains continued to conjure. She’d already told Yaz as much in a slightly awkward, roundabout way that as much as she wanted to – they just couldn’t.
If that made her coward, so be it. This was better for both of them.
Deciding she was very much in need of a distraction from her cruel thoughts and the inappropriate heat in the lower depths of her stomach, the Doctor threw her legs off the side of the sofa and trekked toward the console room.
It was her usual trick to throw herself into an adventure to run away from her problems, and it was her usual trick because most of the time it worked. So, she piloted the TARDIS solo for a change – she didn’t like it – and let them fall through the vortex with freedom of choice being handed over to her ship to make the decision on where to land.
The rattle of a slightly rough landing was what roused her companions, both Yaz and Dan arriving in the console room only a couple of minutes after the ship had parked up. The Doctor had been tempted to take a peek outside in that time but in the end, she had decided to wait.
“You been piloting without me?” Yaz questioned teasingly as she made her way down the steps.
“Maybe? Sorry — was in a rush.” the Doctor’s face scrunched through the apology, but she could tell by the smile on Yaz’s face that she didn’t seem to mind. If anything she just looked more intrigued.
“A rush? What for?”
The Doctor grinned. “For adventure of course!”
The adventure, of course , had not exactly been what the Doctor had in mind. As always, it hadn’t taken long for trouble to seek them out, the trio finding themselves sucked into the mystery of the manor they’d arrived at. Guests of a party gone missing as a masquerade of false personalities danced around them while they talked but didn’t say much (a trick the Doctor knew all too well). This was aristocracy, everything to them was a game, and everyone in the room was a suspect. As serious as the situation was, these were the sort of people that lived for the thrill of it all.
What the Doctor quickly realised, though, was that the TARDIS was playing her own game. She had forced the Doctor into some sort of sick joke, because this evening they had fallen into was a dance, literally, and figuratively — and they were all going to have to play.
They were soon scooped up and led away from the crowd on arrival by a butler whose nose remained stuck in the air as he guided them down a marble-floored corridor to a large room. The expansive space was filled with racks upon racks of illustrious clothes, and the snobby butler urged them to dress more appropriately for the evening ahead.
With Dan standing in the middle of Yaz and the Doctor like a buffer, it meant it was easy to feel his gaze flit back and forth between his friends as the air grew thick with an unfortunately familiar tension. The Doctor felt like she was suffocating.
With a heavy sigh, the Doctor muttered an exhausted sentence under her breath in a curse aimed toward her TARDIS.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
It had been weeks since they’d sat alone together on an empty beach.
Weeks since the Doctor had spoken of wanting a forever with Yaz that she was too scared to take a chance on.
Weeks since Yaz had felt her heart crack into two separate pieces in her chest to match the Doctor’s, and things hadn’t been the same since.
A lingering tension hung between them, a tentativeness had grown into their touches, like getting too close would sting. Their skin poisonous to each other.
The worst part of it all was that being alone with the Doctor had now become excruciatingly difficult.
Yaz hated it.
And now they were here , Yaz in a dress and the Doctor in a tux right outside the three-fold dressing screen Yaz hid behind. Trying to keep her feelings at bay the past few weeks had been hard enough, and an evening like this wasn’t going to make it any easier. She knew how well the Doctor pulled off a suit, how suavely she could charm her way around an unsuspecting room. Her sharp smirk and glinting eyes drew everyone in. Yaz was well versed in that.
But how were they supposed to navigate this? While she’d remained in denial, it was easy to loop her arm between the Doctor’s and allow herself to be guided around the room as they exchanged quiet looks that spoke volumes, even though they had chosen to stay on mute. They would’ve worked this room like a well-oiled machine a few weeks ago.
Now? Yaz wasn’t so sure. Maybe they just had to do the same as everyone else at the gala, put a mask on — and pretend. Whether that be together or apart. So, steeling herself, Yaz drew in a breath and stepped around the edge of the screen with a shy smile.
She felt her cheeks warm. The Doctor looked just as good as she’d predicted.
“Bloody hell,” the Doctor cursed under her breath, ignoring Dan’s surprised gasp at her choice of words.
She couldn’t hold Yaz’s gaze for more than a second.
Because, of course – she looked incredible.
Today really, really wasn’t fair. When she saw the glamour of the guests once they’d stepped inside the manor she knew this was coming.
She would be having very strong words with her TARDIS later.
The colour of the dress Yaz had picked out was champagne and its length draped to just over her ankles. The fabric was embroidered with patterns of roses that branched out from the collar of the dress all the way down its sheer netted sleeves while also wrapping around the torso and fading out into the flow of the skirt. The flowers were a delicate pink, embossed with glinting sequins on the petals, and gentle frills graced the collar and shoulder seams of the dress. The colour complimented Yaz’s skin tone beautifully, and the outfit was finished off with a pair of chunky patent gold heels that allowed her the rare occasion of matching the Doctor’s height. The only thing that hadn’t changed was Yaz’s hair, her braid remained, tossed loosely over her shoulder.
It was unusual to see Yaz dress so impractically, but when it was like this, the Doctor selfishly didn’t mind.
Yaz’s smile was small when she glanced up bashfully from beneath her eyelashes, her fingers anxiously twisting the heartbeat rings on her fingers.
A self-conscious Yaz was something the Doctor simply could not allow.
“What do you think?” Yaz asked fretfully.
“Nice,” Dan grinned with an encouraging thumbs up that made Yaz’s smile grow until her teeth showed. It lit up the room, the twinkle of the sequins on Yaz’s dress couldn’t possibly compete.
The Doctor knew, logically, that after everything she should keep her compliment on the same level as Dan’s – neutral, but enough to increase Yaz’s confidence. Something like, It’s good!” Or, “It looks great!” Maybe even, “Well fancy!” Or even, “That’s well snaz, Yaz!”
The Doctor frowned inwardly at the last one. Maybe not that.
However, logic wasn’t something the Doctor was very good at lately when it came to Yaz. So of course, instead of choosing one of the many carefully cultivated, safe options – the Doctor accidentally threw logic out the window and completely ignored her own brains. Idiotically, she spoke from her hearts.
“You look… gorgeous, ” the Doctor declared through a slight shortness of breath because really, Yaz’s beauty was nothing short of breathtaking.
She watched as Yaz’s eyes widened and her cheeks darkened and it was only then that the Doctor properly processed what she’d just said. It made her want to curl in on herself. They shouldn’t be doing this. They know they shouldn’t be doing this and yet–
“So do you,” Yaz replied, a hard swallow bobbing her throat.
“Oh,” the Doctor breathed, heat colouring her own cheeks. It wasn’t the sort of compliment she was used to, a lifetime of ‘handsome’ ingrained in her head. But it felt nice, it was a good different – and coming from Yaz? It was a great different.
“Thank you,” the Doctor smiled gently.
What the hell were they doing?
Someone else in the room cleared their throat, breaking the moment and forcing the Doctor to remember that Dan actually existed in their shared space too.
“Shall we?” he coaxed, casting a knowing look between the two of them as the Doctor suddenly busied herself with brushing non-existent fluff off the labels of her blazer.
“Yes, let's! We’ve got people to find,” she quickly agreed, storming out of the room as fast as she could, leaving Yaz and Dan in her wake.
The Doctor dived straight into conversation as soon as she merged back into the midst of the gala, allowing herself to be swallowed up by the crowd. As distracting as Yaz might’ve been, there was still a mystery to solve. So, in classic Doctor fashion, she threw herself into it. Absorbed every piece of information no matter how small or seemingly irrelevant. She observed people’s expressions as she engaged in conversation, every quirk of their lips, twitch of their eye, and wrinkle of their nose. She absorbed herself in it, got lost in the mystery as she started to make connections in her mind.
It was easy as it had always been to hyperfocus herself on other things to distract from what was really niggling at the back of her mind. Unfortunately for the Doctor though, that annoying niggle exploded with screams and shouts when she scanned her eyes over the hall for the umpteenth time that evening. Her gaze froze on interaction at the bar. It was between Yaz and another woman. Yaz’s back was leant against the granite bar top, positioned so that she could observe the room and stay on alert for any odd behaviours she could report to the Doctor of course. Yaz was brilliant like that.
Yet, Yaz’s brilliance wasn’t currently at the forefront of the Doctor’s focus. What was at the forefront of her focus was Yaz’s smile as the woman laughed, and how when the woman laughed she bent forward slightly to conveniently rest her hand on Yaz’s upper arm. The laugh was a little too hard, the hand placement a little too purposeful, and when Yaz leaned closer to mumble something in the woman’s ear that made her laugh again, the pale shade of green in the Doctor’s eyes dimmed to a hue far darker.
The feeling of envy was a rare one for the Doctor. She didn’t like it at all. It sat hot and constricting on her chest, twisted her stomach in a nasty knot that forced her to swallow down her irritability. It wasn’t fair of her to feel this way. It wasn’t fair on Yaz. She was the one who was too scared to pursue their mutual feelings, so through the envy she must suffer, with only herself to blame.
The Doctor snapped her gaze away before her lens of green could grow any darker, before it morphed into something as vicious as jealously. She was already starting to feel the vines of it seeping in as they attempted to wrap their way around her hearts.
Because honestly? The Doctor wanted to be that woman. She wanted to touch Yaz so flirtatiously, she wanted to be the one Yaz made laugh, and she wanted to be one whose ear Yaz whispered into. The envy washed away at her inner admittance. The jealousy withered and died to make room for sadness and regret.
“You gonna do anything about that?”
The Doctor jumped out of her skin at the voice behind her. It left her hearts in a tizzy as she rested a hand on her chest in a bid to calm them down. It wasn’t often she was caught off guard. She should’ve known it would’ve been Dan to correct that.
“What?” she said breathlessly as her pulse started to slow.
“You know what.” Dan pointed toward Yaz and the woman at the bar who had conveniently found a way to get closer, their shoulders nearly touching, “I mean that!”
Snatching a flute of fizzing liquid from a passing tray, the Doctor took a swig large enough to drain half the glass with a grimace. Champagne – she hated the stuff.
“Course I’m not,” she grumbled.
“Why?”
“I’m surprised Yaz hasn’t talked to you about this.”
“She has.”
“So why’re you asking if I’m gonna stop Yaz from pursuing other people when I’ve already told her I’m too much of a coward to give her what she wants.”
“Because I see the way you look at her still. And the way she looks at you,” Dan spoke softly, words full of gentle encouragement.
“Dan—”
“You told her she looked gorgeous earlier.”
“Slip of the tongue.”
“Did you mean it?”
“It was wrong of me to say.”
“Did you mean it, Doctor?” Dan repeated with increased insistence.
The Doctor sighed and finished off the vile liquid in her hand before setting the glass down on the nearest table. “Of course I did. I mean look at her Dan.”
“Then why don’t you–”
“Dan,” the Doctor’s hand shot up in front of his face to halt his words, “please. Don’t.”
Silence hung heavy between them for a while, until Dan took his own opportunity to snag a glass from a tray and take a quick sip. “You know what I think?”
The Doctor rolled her eyes as she turned to find his gaze, “Dan I just said d–”
I think,” he ploughed on, “that even though you think you’ve made the right decision here, what with not acting on your feelings to keep her safe and to stop the hurt. I think that if anything does happen, it’s already gonna hurt you. I mean, you might not be together but your still in love with each other–”
The Doctor baulked, panicked eyes widening at Dan’s words. “ Never said love,” she tried to clarify, though Dan just ignored her and carried on anyway.
“–so regardless it would still hurt. In fact, it’ll probably hurt more because on top of the hurt you’d have the regret of not having pursued anything with her!”
“What’re you trying to say, Dan?” she said, frustration souring her tone.
“You’re already smart enough to know what I’m saying but if you want me to blunt then fine, I’ll be blunt. No skin off my nose.” Dan cleared his throat. “What I’m saying, Doctor , is pursue it or not, it’s still gonna hurt. Because either way, the feelings are still there. The only difference is if you don’t pursue it you’ll have to live with the hurt as well as the regret. And also,”
The Doctor raised her eyebrows expectantly.
“You’re a daft sod.”
The Doctor’s jaw dropped. “Oi!”
“It’s true!”
“Is not!”
“It is! The pair of you are, thinkin’ about it. You’re both daft sods, driving me mad with how stupid you’re being with all this.”
“Dan, I don’t think you understand how many people I’ve loved and lost in my lifetime, it’s not so easy for me to just–”
“I get that… well I mean, I don’t because I’ve not lived a fraction of the time you have. But even in our short span of life, look at the humans who love anyway knowing there’s gonna be hurt down the line. I had a mate that got really sick really fast. Got to a point where there was nothing the doctors could do for him. He was gonna die and his wife was gonna be left alone. But did she leave him? Even though she knew what was coming? Course not. She stuck with him to the very end. Reckon she loved him harder than she ever had before.”
The Doctor’s mind was cast back to Prem and Umbreen as Dan told his story. It made her hearts lurch in her chest. She must’ve been quiet for a while because the call of her name roused her from her thoughts.
“Doctor?”
Still Dan.
“Hm?”
“Were you happy?”
“Eh?”
“The times you loved and lost. In the moment… were you happy?”
“Of course,” she whispered.
“Well then,” Dan finished his champagne and set the glass down, “I don’t think there’s much more for me to say.”
There was a beat. People moved around them and the lights of the room dimmed.
“But what about after?” the Doctor asked, gaze focused on the floor.
“What about it?”
“It hurts… so much. I don’t think it could bear it again.”
“Doctor, no offence,” Dan moved to stand in front of her and rested a careful hand on her shoulder. The Doctor looked up. “But I think it’s already too late. For both of you.”
The grand hall had only increased in capacity by the time the Doctor had left Dan, stepped outside to compose herself in the fresh air, and headed back in. People were dancing now, the song the band played slow and enchanting as people floated across the floor. Within the throngs of people, the Doctor spotted Yaz, the same woman from earlier in her arms as they swayed gracefully together, following the routine of the dance. It was no surprise to her that Yaz would manage to pick it up so fast.
Though seeing Yaz with someone that wasn’t herself, taking part in something as intimate as a slow dance, made something inside the Doctor snap.
It was a combination of things, really. Envy, jealously, a dash of anger, and even a bit of guilt and regret. There was something there else too, it burned red hot and was four letters long and for God's sake Dan of all people had already said but still, the Doctor pushed that one deep down. It was terrifying.
She slipped through the crowd, dodging pairs of dancers with awkward ‘excuse me’s’ and ‘sorry’s’ until she got to Yaz and her dance partner.
“Hi!”
Both women jumped at the interruption.
“Doctor?”
“Sorry. Can I just–” the Doctor pointed to the space where the other woman stood and took a step closer as a clear suggestion. “Um– yeah, just want to…”
Finally, begrudgingly, the woman stepped aside with a dirty scowl.
“Thanks,” the Doctor smiled awkwardly before returning her full focus to Yaz and taking her hand before resting the other gently on her waist. Yaz’s free hand placed itself on the Doctor’s shoulder.
“Doctor, what are you doing?”
“Dancing, obviously. With you.”
“Well, yeah. I got that. Could’ve asked with a little more grace, mind,” Yaz smirked.
The Doctor gasped in faux offence. “Oi! Got what I wanted, didn’t I?”
Something in Yaz’s eyes darkened at that. “You sure did.”
“Or do you want me to ask with more grace?”
“Nah, you’re alright. Wouldn’t be very you, otherwise.”
“Are you saying I’m not graceful, Yasmin Khan?”
“I’m saying you’re about as graceful as baby deer.”
“Wow.”
“On ice.”
“ Wow. ”
Yaz giggled quietly at the Doctor’s reaction, the sound reminiscent of comfort. When Yaz’s laugh faded away, they swayed silently for a while, eyes locked on one another in the dim glow of candles until Yaz finally spoke.
“Why?”
“Huh?”
“Why did you want to dance with me?”
The question forced the Doctor to not only concentrate on the warm, inviting hues of Yaz’s eyes, but also on the answer to her question. Which, in the Doctor’s opinion, was ridiculous.
“Why wouldn’t I?” the Doctor responded like it was the most obvious answer in the world.
“I dunno,” Yaz shrugged timidly, “I just thought… maybe because of the–”
“Because of the beach?”
“Yeah.”
“Yaz,” the Doctor lifted her hand from Yaz’s waist to brush the back of her finger over the soft skin of her cheek, “I would always want to dance with you.”
Unconsciously, Yaz allowed herself to lean into the touch. It was only when realisation morphed her expression into a frown that she pulled away. The Doctor noticed small creases at the corner of Yaz’s eyes now which a few weeks ago, would never have existed. It was a stark reminder of what they’d been through to find each other again.
“Doctor, that’s not fair.” Her eyes darted to a far off corner of the room. “You can’t do things like that.”
The Doctor let her hand hover for a moment before dropping it back to Yaz’s waist in quiet disappointment. “I’m sorry, I just…”
“Things have been weird, haven’t they? Between us,” Yaz admitted, gaze landing anywhere but the Doctor’s. “Since the beach.”
“You’ve been distant,” the Doctor observed, heart heavy.
“Course I have. It was easier to be around you when I didn’t know you felt the same. Things can’t really go back to how they used to be now, can they? I can’t pretend like everything’s normal anymore. It’s too hard.”
“Yaz—”
“And I get it. You’re not gonna change your mind,” Yaz’s voice wobbled, and the Doctor noticed tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, “You’re stubborn like that.”
“Something we both have in common,”
“Yeah,” Yaz huffed a watery laugh.
“Time is chasing after me, Yaz,” the Doctor confessed as they continued to sway, “I can feel it. Like it’s watching me from every corner of the room, creeping up on me. This body… I don’t know how much longer it’s got left.”
Yaz’s glossy eyes found the Doctor’s then, worry creasing her features, “Doctor, what are you saying?”
“Time’s reckoning. They said I’m heading to my end. How far in the future that is I can’t say. That’s the thing about time and immortality. What could be weeks for someone else could be years for me. I’ll never know. It’s… it’s terrifying.”
“Is that why..?”
“Partly. What if I give in, and I only get two days? But then, what if I give in and I get years?”
“Fear of the unknown.”
“Exactly.”
“Didn’t think you were afraid of anything.”
“I’m afraid of a lot of things, Yaz. I’m just really good at hiding it. One of those things…” the Doctor’s hand shifted from Yaz’s waist again, reaching up to cup her neck as she stroked her thumb along Yaz’s jaw. This time, she didn’t draw back, “One of those things is how I feel about you.”
Yaz let out a sharp breath of surprise. A tear escaped the confines of her eyelid. The Doctor’s thumb wiped it away.
“Yaz?”
“Hm?”
“Why are you always so surprised that I managed to fall for you?”
The Doctor watched Yaz’s throat bob, her tongue darting out to lick her lips nervously. “Because… Well because I’m just me.”
“ ‘Just me?’”
“Yeah? I mean, I’m just a human. From Sheffield of all places. I’m just normal, average, nothing special. And you’re, you. ”
The Doctor’s stomach plummeted at Yaz’s own self-deprecation.
“Yasmin Khan. You are so much more than just normal. You’re kind, compassionate, strong-willed, determined, loving, understanding, patient. And don’t even get me started on your beauty.” the Doctor tucked a loose strand of Yaz’s hair behind her ear as she watched her cheeks darken as shade. “I could keep going on but I might run out of words to describe you and even then that still wouldn’t be enough.”
“Okay, I get,” Yaz said, slightly flustered, “But still, I’m noth–”
“I’m not anything better than you, Yaz. In fact, I’m probably a lot worse. I don’t deserve you, really. You saw me at my worst and you still managed to stick around.”
“Of course I did. Don’t really think I need to say why.”
The Doctor smiled softly at that. Yaz returned it.
"But, as I were saying – the other reason is because I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t.”
“Yaz,” the Doctor sighed tiredly as she gripped Yaz’s hand a little tighter, their sway slowing, “Everyone I love, I lose. It’s just a fact of my life. I lose them in so many different ways. It’s not always death, sometimes it's worse than that. Sometimes people just outgrow me. But one certain fact is that I will always, always outlive them. That means I’ll outlive you. My future will contain my grief for you, no matter what I do. If I choose to be happy now, I’m also choosing to be sad later.”
“Doctor. Whether we’re together or not, you’re going to grieve me anyway,” Yaz disputed. “Your feelings would have been there you just–”
“Wouldn’t have acted on them, I know.” the Doctor drew in a long breath before pushing it sharply out her nose. “I was speaking to an annoyingly wise man earlier–”
“Was it Dan, by any chance?” Yaz grinned.
“How did you..?”
“I saw you and him talking out the corner of my eye.”
“Ah…”
“Yeah.”
“Anyway, he said something very similar.”
“And what’s that, then?”
“He basically said, regardless of whether I pursue something with you or not, it’s still going to hurt. Because either way, the feelings are still there. The only difference is, if I don’t pursue it I’ll have to live with the hurt as well as the regret.”
“Wise man that Dan Lewis.”
“Yeah… he also called me a daft sod.”
“Like I said, very wise.”
“Oi! For the record, he called you a daft sod too.”
“What?! Why?”
“He thinks we’re both being stupid.”
“Well… I suppose he’s not wrong.”
They fell into a comfortable silence then, continuing their slow shuffle to music. It felt surprisingly good to air her feelings and fears to the woman that had crafted them. A weight that had tugged at the Doctor’s chest since their conversation on the beach like an anchor had lifted somewhat. She wondered if Yaz’s mind was racing as wildly as hers behind her deep brown eyes. They were so inviting, so warm and gentle and easy to get lost in that the Doctor couldn’t remember the last time she looked away, the last time either of them blinked.
In an anxious tick, the Doctor rolled her tongue between her lips. In an indulgent move, the Doctor let her gaze drop to roam over Yaz’s dress. Selfishly, the Doctor stepped a fraction closer. Now, it was fabric on fabric. Nose to nose. It felt like her hearts were slamming so hard against her rib cage that the bones were cracking with the force.
A quiet breath trembled past the Doctor’s lips as she swallowed the nervous lump in her throat.
“Yaz?” the Doctor uttered.
“Yes?” she replied.
“There’s something I really want to do.”
What’s that, then?”
“Well,” the Doctor cleared her throat, “Let’s just say it’s the definition of stupid.”
The Doctor watched as Yaz’s eyes brightened with a combination of joy and nerves, her smile encouraging. “I won’t stop you.”
Licking her lips, the Doctor gave Yaz the slightest nod before unclasping their hands so that both of her own cupped the graceful slope of Yaz’s neck. Yaz’s own free hand slipped past the Doctor’s blazer to grip her waist over her shirt.
The Doctor leaned in with trepidation at first. They’d stopped moving, and Yaz stood patiently having handed full control over to the Doctor. It balmed her nerves to know she wasn’t being rushed, that she was being allowed to take her time over the moment. The whole room fell away when her gaze lifted from Yaz’s lips back to her eyes for the final time. Her expression was so warm, so full of love, and the Doctor watched as her eyes fluttered. Yaz was ready, and so was she.
Taking a leap of faith, the Doctor finally gave in. Finally allowed herself the great pleasure of pressing her lips to Yaz’s own. They were soft, so soft, and the gentle pressure of Yaz’s mouth against her own put her at ease. In a way, it felt like coming home.
Pulling back, neither woman opened their eyes, foreheads resting together as their noses nudged. It was the Doctor who leaned back in. This time she let her mouth open a little more, and Yaz followed suit as they moved slowly against each other. They’d partaken in an entirely new dance as the Doctor’s hands curled further around Yaz’s neck until they rested at the base of her skull, it made it easier to pull her further in. Yaz hummed into the motion, gripping tighter into the Doctor’s shirt as she licked ever so slightly into the Doctor's mouth. Yaz tasted like the artificial strawberry of her lip gloss and a little bit like tea, and the Doctor couldn’t get enough of it as she kissed her deeply.
Eventually, they pulled away, both a little breathless and both a little flustered and both unfortunately very aware they were in a public space. But the Doctor didn’t care, because she had just kissed Yasmin Khan. And the kiss had been everything and more. It was everything, but also nothing that could have ever imagined. Her dreams hadn’t compared to the real thing. Not by a long shot.
“Wow…” Yaz breathed.
“Yeah,” the Doctor agreed.
“So does this mean..?”
“Happy now, sad later?”
Yaz nodded.
“Yeah,” the Doctor grinned, “it does.”
Over Yaz’s shoulder, the Doctor caught sight of Dan with both his thumbs up and a huge grin wrinkling his cheeks.
“We really owe Dan one, don’t we?” she admitted with a scrunch of her face.
Yaz just laughed, bright and beautiful.
“Yeah,” she leaned in, lips brushing the Doctor’s, “we do.”
After relishing in the light peck off Yaz, the Doctor looked at her with a glint in her eye. “But first, we’ve got a mystery of missing party guests to solve!”