Work Text:
1.
“It's okay. It's not that bad.”
Blood spills between Sam's fingers, no matter how much pressure he puts on the wound.
Dean gasps.
"We'll get you to the hospital, and you will be fine," Sam says, not sure if he's trying to convince Dean or himself that everything will be okay.
"I know, Sammy."
"Okay, I will help you up. The Impala isn't too far. Think you can make it there?"
Dean nods.
Sam doesn't particularly like that Dean is barely talking to him, but he focuses on helping him onto his feet, taking most of Dean's weight on him, and starts to semi-drag his wounded brother.
They walk slowly towards the car, no words, just their breaths and the sound of crushing leaves under their feet, as they near the end of the forest.
There are a million things Sam wants to say, but they all get stuck between his heartbeat and his throat. He almost cries we relief when he sees the Impala. Quickly and tenderly, he gets Dean into the passenger seat.
The hospital is 30 minutes away.
Sam floors it.
He manages to steal a look at his barely responsive brother and tries his best not to lose control of the car at the sight of blood drenching Dean's chest.
Dean shouldn't have been out here by himself. The thing they were hunting was too dangerous for even the most expert hunter.
But then again,
Sam shouldn't have kissed Dean in the first place.
2.
"What is it again?" Dean inquires, dropping his duffle bag on the floor of another motel room they will forget about once the case is over.
"A Cerberus, guardian of the underwold. Serves Hades. Were you paying attention to anything I said?" Sam asks annoyed.
Dean shrugs. "I barely pay attention when you get all geeky on me."
Sam rolls his eyes.
"How do we kill it?" Dean asks matter-of-factly.
"Can't kill it. We need to send it back with a spell. Already also told you that," Sam frowns. "You okay?"
Dean stares at him for a second, then shakes his head. "I'm fine. Sorry, I forgot you told me."
Sam considers if to push for a real answer, but instead lets it go. There's been this tension lately between them that he can't quite put his finger on after their last hunt. He knows Dean, though, and trying to talk about it will only make him deny it and get closed off.
"No problem. We should get some sleep, we need to do the spell tonight before Cerberus takes any more souls."
"Sounds like a plan," Dean agrees.
3.
It takes one look at Dean from the nurses before they're rushing to aid him. Sam is pushed back, and he lets them. There's very little he can do right now anyway.
After a few hours, which felt like days, Sam is allowed to see Dean again. As he sits next to his unconscious brother he wonders if anything will be the same after this.
He very well knows the answer to that.
Sam can't remember when his feelings for Dean changed anymore. They've been there for so long, it's as if it was an eternity ago. He never thought of acting on it, ever. It was a secret he kept even from himself sometimes.
Then that witch hunt happened, and she put a spell on them that made them act out the deepest desires, and well... things that were deeply buried came to float.
What Sam never imagined was for Dean to feel the same way.
What Sam didn't expect was for him to lose his memory of it, and for Dean to remember.
Then they were, Dean, knowing what they had done, and Sam none the wiser.
Until Sam did remember.
Until Dean tried to deny it.
Until Sam asked for Dean to come to terms with it.
They fought fiercely, as they always do. Then suddenly they were kissing. Before things could go any further, Dean had pushed away, and he was gone. Leaving Sam confused and angry.
Now, here they are again. One of them at the verge of dying while the other waits for a miracle. It has happened so many times now it should be almost familiar.
But Sam could never get used to this, and he has run out of reasons why he shouldn't have a piece of happiness, as fucked up as it might seem.
4.
"Are we going to talk about it, without fighting?" Sam asks, tired.
"Is there anything really to talk about, Sam?" Dean grunts.
"So you just want to pretend it didn't happen, twice may I add?"
Dean sighs. "What do you want from me?"
Sam stands up from his own bed. "I want you to stop pretending."
"And what, act like it's normal?"
"Out lives are anything but normal, Dean."
Dean looks away. "It's still beyond what we've done."
"So what?!" Sam roars, done with hiding.
Dean flinches. "Sammy—"
"Don't Sammy me." Sam asks. He then sits at the edge of Dean's bed. "Don't we deserve to have something for a change? Even this thing between us you think it's so wrong you won't even look at me in the eyes anymore."
"It's not that," Dean tries to explain.
"Then what is it?"
"I just—" Dean takes a deep breath, and then winces when that pulls at his stitches. "I'll always wonder if it was something I did to make you feel this way."
Sam's eyes go soft. "This is nobody's fault, Dean. It just is. I mean, with the type of life we live, the things we've gone through... we've never been normal, and never will be."
"You still can be," Dean protests faintly.
"I don't want to be. That's in the past. All I want to be is with you, no matter what that means," Sam explains. "Listen, if you really don't want to do this, I will accept it. I will forget it ever happened, and—"
"It's not that easy, Sam," Dean interrupts. "We crossed a line, we can't just turn back."
"Then why feel guilty about it? If this is who we are, what we're supposed to be, why can we have it?"
Dean stays silent for a few minutes, and Sam thinks it's over, no matter what he says, Dean won't hear him.
"You really want this, don't you?" Dean asks out of a sudden.
"It's not about just what I want. You have to want it to." Sam retorts.
Dean regards him again, and Sam can tell the hunter in him is weighing his options.
"I meant what I said. We don't have to act on it anymore," Sam adds. He wants to make sure Dean knows he has an out. Even if it will break Sam's heart. He's lived with this in the dark long enough, he thinks he can shove it all back in.
"God, help me," Dean says, and then he's moving.
Sam has barely any time to react to Dean's lips on him. Once his brain realizes what's happening, he more than eagerly responds.
"Is that a yes?" Sam asks when they part.
"I thought you were the smart one." Dean deadpans.
Sam laughs.
Maybe it's wrong.
Maybe it will complicate things.
That's a problem for a future they might not even have.
All Sam cares about is that he gets to have what he thought was never possible.