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Steve wasn't sure Danny would be up to cooking dinner, but he'd loved the idea of dragging all the ingredients out and the three of them working on putting his mother's lasagna recipe together. Grace hovered near Danny, and Steve guessed it was a combination of being concerned about him and just being glad he was alive and back home. Steve had those feelings himself.
Danny looked pale and tired, the damage to his face standing out in vivid contrast. At times Steve wanted to suggest Danny take it easy and let them wait on him, but he seemed happy and if this diversion kept his mind off darker things for a while, it was a good investment of his energy.
"Come on, buddy, let's take the load off in the living room while it bakes. Gracie and I can handle checking on it while you take it easy for a while."
"Okay. I'm kind of tired," he admitted, flashing a smile at Grace.
They headed into the living room, and Danny sat in the middle of the couch, patting the cushions on either side of him. Grace took one side, grabbing the remote and curling up under Danny's arm, carefully snuggling up to his less injured side. Steve sat on Danny's right, running his arm along the back of the couch, doing his best to be close to Danny without putting any pressure on his ribs. Danny rested his head on Steve's shoulder. Grace was flipping channels until they all agreed on a Family Guy rerun. A little ridiculous humor seemed like a good way to help them all relax.
"It's really good to be home," Danny said quietly, letting his eyes drift shut to take a little nap before dinner.
"We missed you, Danno," Steve said, and Grace echoed that sentiment.
"Glad you're back, Daddy. Are you sure you're okay?"
"I will be, monkey. I got my family with me. I'm good."
"Uncle Steve, what's going to happen to the men who hurt Danno?"
"Most of them are already in jail for other things, Gracie," Danny spoke up before Steve could say anything. "It's over and it needs to be left in the past," he added, glancing pointedly at Steve. "Right, Uncle Steve?"
Steve looked into Danny's blue eyes, into that face that meant everything to him. Promising not to do anything to avenge what had been done to him was hard. He didn't want to lie, but he didn't want to upset Danny or Grace, and the reality was he probably could never track them down. Having Danny back alive was a win, and maybe this time, he had to accept that without exacting revenge on the people who deserved it. Danny had suffered so much because of revenge, both revenge he took on horrible criminals who were no loss to society, and the revenge that was visited on him for one of those incidents.
"You're right, Danno," Steve said, and before he thought about what he was doing, he touched his forehead to Danny's and brought his arm down so it was around Danny's shoulders. If he could have evenings like this, the warmth of Danny against him and Grace nearby, maybe he could promise to let go of something that would only bring them more pain if he pursued it. He just didn't know if he could accept what they'd done to Danny without doing anything more about it.
Danny's expression wavered a little, but he held it together and in a few minutes, his eyes drifted shut and he napped on Steve's shoulder until dinner.
********
Danny had expected a big batch of his mother’s lasagna would work as comfort food, but it actually didn’t do much for him. His stomach felt sour and it didn’t taste like it did when she made it. He enjoyed making dinner with Steve and Grace, but being home, being alive, and having the rest of his life stretching out ahead of him was overwhelming. It’s not that it wasn’t wonderful to have been rescued from that hell, but he’d gone from a free man to a tortured prisoner who didn’t expect to live to see another sunrise and back to being a free man again within the space of a couple days. He felt dazed, shaken, and like he just wished everything would slow down.
He also knew there was probably something wrong with him because he was glued to Steve’s side like a bloodsucker. When he first saw Steve at the airport, even the emotion of all that was too much. It wasn’t so much the rape that made him shrink away from Steve at first. It was all just too much to take in that fast. Once he’d sort of told Steve what happened - more like stared at him until he figured it out on his own - and Steve had nothing but love and sympathy and caring to give him for it, he’d latched onto Steve like a life line. He felt safe with Steve’s arms around him, or napping next to him on the couch.
And sometimes he’d picture where he’d be if Steve couldn’t get him released. Probably back in Hawaii soon enough, in a box, with Steve meeting him at the airport and having to grieve the death of another friend he’d find a way to blame himself for not saving. Or, buried in a hole in Colombia somewhere because sending a murdered American back to the States probably wouldn’t be good for the country’s reputation.
Grace was in her room doing her homework, which Danny knew was an extended ritual that blended academics and extensive social media time, but he couldn’t argue with Grace’s grades. Whatever she did in there, it was working. Steve was asleep on the couch next to him, his arm flopped again around Danny’s shoulders. Steve looked exhausted, more drained than Danny had seen him unless he’d been through extensive torture himself. Even then, Steve seemed more shaken by this than he had by anything Wo Fat had in his arsenal.
The crime drama droning on in front of him didn’t hold much lure, so he closed his eyes and let himself doze a bit until he jerked awake, his heart pounding, as Steve did the same, blinking and sitting up. The doorbell rang, probably for the second time.
“Shit,” Steve grumbled, hauling himself off the couch. “Looks like Chin, Kono, Lou, Kamekona, and Jerry,” Steve said, peering through the peephole. “You up for that?”
“It’s nice they came over. Yeah, of course, let ‘em in,” Danny said, not meaning any of it. He did appreciate their concern and that he had friends who cared enough to come and welcome him home in person, but those blissful moments of peace cuddled up with Steve on the couch were restoring him. Steve read all that in his look, apparently.
“They’re not staying long. You need some rest, pal,” he said, opening the door.
“Is this a good time?” Chin asked. “We just wanted to welcome Danny home officially,” he said.
“Hey, guys,” Danny said, his best social smile in place as he made his way toward them. “Hugs are fine, but no squeezing. Rib fractures,” he said, trying to keep his tone light, but it was true. He didn’t really want to be squeezed and back-slapped when every part of his body ached and was already angry with him for moving.
“Hey, brah, good to see you,” Chin said, following his instructions to keep the pressure light.
“Sorry you got sucked into this mess,” he mumbled to Chin.
“I think I got off easy, but the important thing is, we’re both home and it’s over,” he said, stepping back.
“Yeah, that’s a good feeling,” Danny agreed.
“How are you feeling?” Kono asked as she took her turn greeting him.
“Just glad to be here,” he said. “Otherwise, like Kamekona ran over me with his shrimp truck.”
“Hey, I resent that, when here I am, bringing gourmet treats to the welcome home party,” Kamekona said, ambling into the house with a few plastic bags dangling from his hands.
“Welcome home, Danny,” Lou said, keeping it short and simple, shaking his hand and giving him a one-armed hug.
“I’ll be careful, I promise,” Jerry said, and Danny wondered if he looked as panicked as he was at the thought of being crushed in one of Jerry’s enthusiastic hugs. He’d even seen Steve’s eyes bug once or twice. Jerry was true to his word and kept it short and gentle. “You’ve got to tell me everything about what the conditions are really like in one of those places,” he said, and while the thought of discussing any of it horrified Danny, he also took it for what it was worth because Jerry and his mountain of theories on corruption, aliens, government conspiracies, and other assorted forms of mayhem would make an insider’s story of the horror of Colombian prisons too good to pass up.
“No, he doesn’t,” Steve spoke up. “That subject is off limits, got it?”
“Sorry. Easy, buddy, I was just asking.”
“It’s okay, Jerry.” Danny touched Steve’s back. “Steve’s just making sure I don’t overdo it. Right, babe?” He was kind of surprised when Steve’s arm went around his shoulders. It felt natural, good, and right to stand there like that with him. Like a...couple.
“Yeah, right,” Steve agreed, giving him one of those looks that was full of so much love that a part of Danny couldn’t believe Steve was still directing a look like that one his way. He was a mess, and he probably would be for a while. Apparently, he was Steve’s mess, and Steve was glad to have him, even screwed up.
“What kind of food did you bring, pal?” he asked Kamekona as he approached Danny for what was a surprisingly careful hug.
“Lots of garlic shrimp for my little blond friend here. You gotta make up for not eating so good the last couple days.”
“The menu options were limited, I’ll give you that,” Danny replied, glad that Steve was there to smack down any substantial discussion of the details of his ordeal. It was smelly, hot, chaotic, and I was terrified. It was like an awful zoo filled with the worst dregs of the Colombian criminal element. It was hell...
“Danny?” It was Steve’s voice, gentle, right near his ear. “You went a little pale on me there for a minute. Everything okay?”
“I’m okay,” he lied, nodding. “Just, uh, need to use the bathroom,” he lied again, slipping out of the group who were gathering around the coffee table now where the food Kamekona brought was being spread out.
He went into the bedroom and closed the door and sat on the bed. He was shaking, and despite the painful protest of his battered body, he staggered into the bathroom and threw up. The pain in his side flared and it was like a wicked cycle that made him heave harder because the pain nauseated him. It made tears come. All of it did. The pain, the memories, all of it. He hoped if he just sat there on the bathroom floor, which hurt because sitting on a hard surface wasn’t all that comfortable either, that Steve would come looking for him. As much as he didn’t want to be seen in such a pathetic state, he couldn’t face this by himself. Not any of it.
“Danny?”
It was Steve, and he felt like he could breathe again.
“Hey, buddy, what happened?” He came into the bathroom and flushed the toilet, then knelt by Danny. “Danno, it’s okay. This is a little too much too soon.”
“They’re trying to be nice,” he managed, but he still couldn’t handle a room full of cheerful people right now.
“Come on, let’s get you off the floor.”
“I don’t want anybody else to see me like this,” he muttered, his voice coming out a broken mess. Like him.
“The door’s closed and I asked Grace to do hostess duty. I also told her if you didn’t feel well and needed to rest, none of the guests should come in here and wake you up.”
“You’re a genius,” Danny said, letting Steve do most of the work to get him on his feet.
“Throwing up with rib fractures has to hurt like a bitch,” Steve said, once they were standing in front of the sink.
“Takes pain to a new level, I think.”
“Take it easy, Danno. Just try to get your breathing even.” Steve wet a washcloth and carefully bathed Danny’s face, avoiding the scrapes and gouges.
“It just feels like too much.”
“What does, buddy?” Steve tossed the cloth in the sink.
“Everything.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
Danny thought it was bizarre when Steve kept a hold on him, but shut the door and turned out the bathroom light. But it was suddenly blessedly dark and quiet in there, and Steve held him close and managed to find a spot on his back that didn’t hurt too much to soothingly rub his hand back and forth.
“Try to breathe with me, Danno. Relax, buddy. Just breathe with me. Nice and slow. That’s it.”
Danny was breathing almost in unison with Steve, and the pain was easing up a little. And he felt safe. There was no noise, no chaos, no bright light, just peace and quiet and Steve.
“It was awful,” he confessed to Steve’s shoulder.
“We should have just stormed the place and killed everything that moved until we got you out of there and worried about the paperwork later. I’m so sorry, Danny.”
“You mean all five of you? You didn’t have enough manpower to do that, Steve. Don’t tell them I said this, but three of your team were old guys, and I sure as hell wouldn’t let Kono within a hundred miles of that snake pit even though she could drop-kick and shoot more of them than you and I put together. You saved my life, so don’t apologize for it.”
“It wasn’t soon enough. I wanna kill ‘em, Danny. I wanna kill ‘em all, every last one of them,” Steve said against Danny’s hair, still holding him close.
“That’s my SuperSEAL,” Danny joked feebly. He felt weak and tired and if he could curl up with Steve in a quiet dark place, he might be able to crawl out of it into the light again someday and live his life.
“Don’t feel very fucking super. There’s not much left that means a lot to me, Danny, but you and Gracie...and I couldn’t even stop...that from happening to you.” They were both quiet a moment. “You wanna lie down for a while?”
“It’s getting late. I just want to get in bed. I don’t feel so good.”
“How bad do you feel?”
“Not ER bad, just sick to my stomach and exhausted.”
“Okay. I’ll get you some fresh underwear if you feel steady here for a few minutes.”
“Okay, thanks,” Danny said. Steve opened the bathroom door and turned on the light while Danny went about brushing his teeth and using the bathroom. He changed into the fresh underwear while Steve turned back the bed for him.
“Do you want Gracie to come in and sit with you for a while? I’m gonna go out and just let everybody know the jet lag and everything just caught up with you and you need some rest. Then I’ll be in, okay?”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” Danny eased himself down on the bed.
“Are you still bleeding?”
“A little, but it’s just a couple spots, not like before.”
“Okay. Get in.” He covered Danny and backed away reluctantly, like he didn’t want to leave him long enough to go back out and talk to their friends. “Tomorrow, some bed rest, okay? We’ll watch ESPN or those bad courtroom shows together, but you stay off your feet and get caught up on some sleep.”
“Sounds really good.”
“Good,” Steve replied, smiling, looking relieved that he’d suggested something that made Danny feel better.
“Steve?”
“Yeah, buddy?” He stopped with his hand on the door, about to head out to the living room.
“If this ever gets too much for you, shut in here with me and my issues, I’ll be okay if you wanna go into work for a while or get out.” It was a pure outright lie, but he didn’t want Steve to feel trapped there with him.
“Later on, when you’re better, but for now, you’re stuck with me.”
“Thanks.”
“Anytime, Danno.”
Danny was almost asleep when Grace slipped in the door with a glass of cola and her iPad.
“Hey, monkey,” he said, smiling at her as she sat cross-legged on the empty side of the bed and held the glass of cola with a straw in it toward him.
“Uncle Steve said your stomach was upset. This is supposed to help.”
“Thanks, honey. I bet it will.” He took a couple long pulls on the straw.
“Uncle Steve’s going to bring you some water as soon as everyone leaves so you don’t get dehydrated.”
“Uncle Steve is quite the medical professional, isn’t he?”
“He’s really smart. Do they teach all that stuff in the Navy?”
“A lot of it, I suppose. I don’t think dummies get through Anapolis.”
“Why did they beat you up in that jail?” she asked. He should have known that Grace couldn’t be placated any longer with euphemisms like telling her bad men had hurt him but he was okay. She could see his bruises and she knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t okay.
“Cops aren’t popular in jail. You’ve got a lot of guys in there who blame guys like me for putting them there. They want a chance to get back at cops.”
“Aren’t the guards supposed to protect you?”
“In a reputable prison, they try. Honestly, Gracie, that place was bad, and the people running it weren’t much better than the criminals locked up there. The thing we need to focus on is that it’s over, and I’m home, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Uncle Steve seems upset.”
“We all count on Uncle Steve to save the day, and he pretty much does most of the time, but he always feels bad if things don't turn out perfect. It means a lot to him to take care of his ohana.”
“He promised he’d bring you home, and he did.”
“That’s what I keep telling him, but it wouldn’t hurt if you said that to him.”
“I will.” She smiled. “Want me to read to you while you’re resting?”
“Sure. What’ve you got?”
“It’s kind of awful, so you’ll probably go to sleep because it’s boring.”
“Really?” Danny asked, laughing.
“I thought it would be good because Charles Dickens wrote it - you know, the guy who wrote A Christmas Carol?”
“Yeah, I’ve heard of him,” Danny replied, amused.
“This one’s called Hard Times.”
“It’s hard times, all right. Hard times for the people who have to read it.” That made Grace laugh. Her presence and that sound was therapeutic for Danny. He could feel himself unwinding a little.
“You can read it to me if you want. That way you don’t have to suffer alone. We can get through it together. I need to take it easy for a few days.”
"Okay, we'll read some now while Uncle Steve is busy. I don't think he'd like this much."
Danny let his eyes drift shut while he listened to the sound of Grace's voice reading the book aloud to him.
********
After their guests had left, Steve carefully opened the bedroom door and looked inside. Grace was sitting on the empty side scrolling on her iPad, and Danny was sound asleep. She eased off the bed and tiptoed toward the door.
"I heard that," Danny said in a sleepy voice. She froze in her tracks and laughed, going back to kiss him goodnight.
"I love you, Danno," she said, giving him a big hug. "I'm glad you're home."
"Love you, too, Gracie. Missed you," he added, hugging back. "We'll pick up where we left off tomorrow night. Maybe even make Uncle Steve sit in on a few pages."
"Or chapters," she said, giggling as she headed toward the door. Then she stopped and turned to hug Steve. "Night, Uncle Steve," she said. "Thanks for keeping your promise and bringing Danno home." The words meant a lot to Steve, especially when he was trying so hard to shake the feeling that he’d still let Danny down, deserted him there in that hell hole and come back without him. That he was safe on a plane back to Hawaii while Danny was being raped and brutalized under the worst possible conditions. But Danny was right - their little group wasn’t big enough to storm the jail and outright grab him without all of them ending up there with no chance of getting out.
"You're welcome, Gracie, but I'll let you in on something - I wouldn't want to get by without Danno for too long either."
"He kind of grows on you, doesn't he?" she joked. Steve was surprised to hear Danny actually laugh at that.
"Steve, if you say 'like a fungus', I'm gonna get up out of this bed and slap you," Danny said.
“More like a creeping vine,” Steve replied, and Grace laughed. "Night, Gracie."
She was still smiling as she headed back to her room. Steve sat on the side of the bed, near the foot of it, and handed Danny a bottle of water with a straw in it, since he was lying back on pillows. "Try to drink as much as you can. You're probably still a little dehydrated."
"Was everybody mad about me disappearing like that? I feel like an asshole doing that to our friends." He took some long pulls on the straw.
"Nobody who was here tonight wants to tire you out or make things rougher on you. I just told them you hadn't really had any solid sleep since all this started and it caught up with you and you were exhausted. I also said you felt bad to conk out like that. Nobody was mad. Kamekona even left some of the food for you and they took the rest of it over to Chin's. I think they were gonna play some party game Jerry likes."
"Bet you felt bad to miss out on that," Danny said, giving Steve a look.
"Yeah, crushed. You owe me one, buddy," Steve concluded, laughing. Steve would be a good sport and participate in a party game to spare the host's feelings, but it fell very little short of torture in his book of an ugly way to spend an evening. “Am I gonna disturb you sleeping in here? I can sleep on the couch.”
“Yeah, if you sleep folded in half, I bet you can. You’re fine in here.”
“Okay. You want the TV on? I’m gonna grab a shower.”
“That’d be good.”
Steve turned on the TV and handed Danny the remote. He looked at the prescriptions on the dresser.
“You want to ice your ribs for a while?”
“I guess it might help.”
“Did you take the pain meds?”
“I will before I go to sleep. They make me pretty loopy.”
“Okay. I’ll get a couple ice packs.” Steve retrieved them from the freezer and returned to the bedroom, putting them on Danny’s right side. “You sure you don’t want the pain pills now?”
“When you get out of the shower is okay.”
Steve paused by the dresser again. He had no idea of a delicate way to ask, so he didn’t bother with delicacy.
“What about this stuff?” It was antibiotic cream the doctor had prescribed for the tearing from the rape.
“I can’t twist around like that and...” Danny turned his head the other way. “I just can’t.”
“How’s your pain there? This stuff is supposed to have pain reliever in it, too, besides protecting against infection.”
“A bunch of guys fucked me and somebody tried to jam a pipe up my ass. How do you think I feel?” he snapped.
“Lousy,” Steve responded, not sure what to do. He wasn’t going to force Danny to grant access to that part of his body, but at the same time, he wanted him to avoid an infection and to not be in so much pain. “What if I put some on a Q-Tip?”
“That’ll be pleasant. Just what I always pictured. You, me, and a Q-Tip. All we need are soft music and candles.”
Steve stood there a moment, not sure how to answer that or what Danny was really saying. It almost sounded like he’d thought about them together like that, but then Steve dismissed it. If he ever had, he wouldn’t be thinking that way now.
“I just want to help you and I don’t know how,” Steve admitted. He didn’t want to put that burden on Danny, but honesty had always served them better than pretense.
“Sometimes I just can’t think about it,” Danny admitted softly. “I know I’m being a pussy about it.”
“No, you’re definitely not doing that,” Steve said, sitting on the side of the bed, his hip touching Danny’s. Danny still kept his head turned away and Steve could see him struggling, swallowing, trying to keep his composure. “You voluntarily handed yourself over to spare Grace and me. To pay a debt you thought you owed, and you had to know what kind of...hell you were walking into. I don’t know many people who’d have the guts to do that.”
“I had an idea but for some reason, it didn’t hit me just how awful it was gonna be. Now I can’t get it out of my head. I keep feeling like somehow everything will get reversed and somebody’s gonna show up and drag me back there. I’m so damned scared, Steven. I don’t want them to come and take me back there.”
“Nobody’s taking you anywhere, Danno. I promise you that. It’s over and done, and you’re safe.” Steve went around to the empty side of the bed and stretched out next to Danny, kicking his shoes off.
“Thought you were gonna go shower.”
“Is that a hint?” Steve asked, reaching over to rub Danny’s shoulder.
“No, I just...I don’t know how to shake this feeling. I’m just...scared.”
“I wouldn’t lie to you about this, Danny. I wouldn’t reassure you if it wasn’t true. If there was any danger of this situation rising up again, you and I would be on a plane to someplace with no extradition.”
“I couldn’t leave Grace like that.”
“If you were in prison the rest of your life, or dead, you’d be leaving her - I think she’d be a lot happier knowing you were safe and alive somewhere, versus knowing you were in a place like you were. If there was no other way to be sure you were safe, I wouldn’t let you go back there. Okay?”
“You’d do that? Just leave everything and go live in a hut someplace with me?”
“If I was in a hut someplace with you, I wouldn’t have left everything.” He reached over and took Danny’s hand. “I’d have everything with me that mattered. So the hut would be okay.”
“Wow,” Danny said, swallowing. “Really?”
“That’s a big surprise?”
“I guess not. Just real nice to hear.”
“You want to just rest for a while?” Steve did most of the moving to get close enough to Danny so their bodies were touching lightly in some places that wouldn’t hurt Danny.
“You’re sure all that paperwork is gonna hold?”
“I’m sure, Danno. I give you my word. I’d never leave loopholes in something like that.” Steve squeezed Danny’s hand. “It would be a little better than a hut.”
“There’s a place?”
“Classified info, buddy.”
“I heard someplace that guys like you all have exit strategies, someplace to go if...things go bad.”
“My exit strategy is for up to three of us.”
“You, me, and Gracie?”
“Yeah. I know she wouldn’t want to leave Rachel forever, probably, but you never know what could happen.”
“You’d do that to protect me?”
“Danny, I would have done that if I could have gotten to Grace’s school fast enough. We’d have been in the ‘hut’ right now and none of this would have happened. Maybe we could have figured out the solution while you were in hiding with me. I was too late.”
“How would you just...go that fast? No, wait, sorry. Trade secret, right?”
“Something like that. Just rest easy, buddy. You’re not going anywhere, the paperwork is solid, and you’re safe. If the time ever comes when you’re not, we’re outta here.”
“If you’re ever not safe, don’t go by yourself, okay? Because I wanna come with you. Gracie and me, if she’ll go, like you said, and be willing to leave her mother.”
“Okay,” Steve said, smiling. He knew that was an almost childlike oversimplification of the situation of trying to take a partner and child with him on that kind of short notice, but then if you stripped away all the not-so-important things, he had a feeling Grace would want to be with her father instead of staying with Rachel and Stan and possibly not seeing Danny again. She seemed to have a powerful bond with Danny the older she got, and the more she became mature enough to realize what he’d gone through to stay in her life and fight for his place there.
“It would be a place that would be good for her, right? Safe, good schools...?”
“I wouldn’t take Grace anyplace that didn’t fit that bill.”
“Okay.” Danny let out a long breath and seemed to relax. “Sorry.”
“For what?”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you. I’m just scared and it freaks me out because I know it’s stupid,” he said in a hushed voice. “Like I’m back to being afraid of a monster under my bed.”
“Mine was the bedroom door.”
“What?”
“When I was a kid. The closet never bothered me. I always wanted my door shut tight so I’d hear it if somebody came in from the hall. I couldn’t sleep with the door open.”
“Huh. That’s kind of creepy when you think about it.”
“Sorry, buddy. Didn’t mean to give you something else creepy to think about,” Steve said, chuckling.
“You were really afraid of that?”
“Looking back, maybe it was something I picked up on from my mother. If she had to fake her death later on, she must have always been looking over her shoulder or sleeping with one eye open, so to speak.”
“My mom finally put blanket boxes under my bed. It was our secret, because my dad thought kids needed to learn reality - that there was nothing under the bed and nothing to be afraid of. My mom figured if nothing could get under the bed I could quit worrying about it and go back to sleep.”
Steve smiled at that thought. He could picture that being Clara’s logic, and he could also picture her not having the heart to make the little boy version of Danny tough out nights terrified of something under his bed. Steve’s mother was always responsive if he had a nightmare or called out to her, but she was more the practical, realistic type. Given her present connections and power in the spy world, he supposed it wasn’t too surprising she couldn’t be bothered to put herself in the place of a scared six-year-old who apparently was born with hyper-vigilance.
He wanted to tell Danny all of it, how they got the intel they needed to barter with Alexander and see Danny’s reaction, talk to him about it...there was the inescapable fact she’d pulled some string to protect Steve, but not Danny. He’d never be able to stand being in the same room with her now if he ever found out she could have protected both of them. Maybe her power or reach wasn’t that good, to prevent someone from having to pay, and maybe she was clueless enough to think that protecting him and letting Danny go to slaughter would somehow be a favor.
Maybe he hadn’t stood up enough for how much he loved Danny or for the place Danny had in his life, and his heart. God knows he’d never actually laid it out for Danny in its entirety. Not even now. Least of all now. That was something Danny didn’t need to sort out. After he’d just been brutally assaulted, he didn’t need to cope with a declaration of smoldering sexual desire from Steve.
Maybe just knowing how much he was loved and that he was safe was enough for now.
“I still don’t like those movies where something reaches out from under the bed and grabs your ankles,” Danny said.
“I don’t like the ones where something actually shows up in the doorway somebody’s watching.”
“Think we’ve managed to scare ourselves now?”
“I know I’m sleeping with the TV on tonight whether you want it on or not,” Steve said, and Danny laughed. “I’ll go grab a shower if you’re sure nothing will pull you under the bed while I’m gone.”
“I’ll be fine, just close that bathroom door while you’re in there. You never know what might show up in the doorway.”
“Have you ever watched a slasher movie where the girl didn’t immediately take all her clothes off and get in the shower as soon as the maniac escapes?”
“As a teenager, I counted on it.”
“Yeah, me, too,” Steve admitted, laughing as he headed for the shower.
********
Danny lay there in bed and stared at the television. He tried to care about the plot in the crime drama he started out with, then flipped the channels until he landed on a sitcom. The canned laughter and stupidity of the whole thing irritated him. He took the ice packs off his side and set them aside. It had eased the pain a bit, but now he was just cold and a little less sore. He wondered if he could just stick an ice cube up his ass and that pain would ease off. He felt raw and sore and swollen and no matter which way he turned it was inescapable. When one part of his body felt better, the other side hurt. He'd been lying on his back because at least nothing was broken there, but he was a mass of bruises everywhere. He got up with a grunt of pain, the movement bringing all of the injuries back to life. He went to the dresser and looked at the prescriptions, finally picking up the little tube of cream, wondering if he could twist and reach to put it in there, or if he could stand even touching himself there anyway.
"Hey, what're you doing out of bed?" Steve came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist.
"Can't get comfortable," he said, trying to keep his tone light. He'd whined and cried on Steve's shoulder enough for one day. He didn't realize he was still holding the tube. He tossed it on the dresser like a hot potato. "Guess maybe the pain meds will knock me out," he said, taking one of the large pills out of the bottle and swallowing it with a couple gulps of water from the bottle Steve had brought him.
"I don't think you've got a spot that's not banged up. Have you got any Ben-Gay or muscle rub stuff around here?"
"Yeah, I have stuff I've used on my knee, but that involves pressing on all of it to rub it in."
"You need to get some sleep," Steve said, sighing. "This sounds weird, but I wonder if we stick some pillows between us and you lie back kind of against me, if that would take some pressure off your back."
"Maybe. I'm gonna use the bathroom before I get back in bed."
"Okay. I'll dig out your extra pillows and see if I can figure something out."
"Pillow fort?" Danny asked, and Steve snorted. "There are a couple extras in the linen closet in the hall." Danny paused, swallowing. He didn't want to say anything about it, but he finally caved in, hoping for a little relief. "If you're still willing to try the...uh...Q Tip thing, it might help."
"Sure. Maybe that and the pain meds will help you get some sleep."
"Yeah, maybe."
Danny went into the bathroom and took care of business, washed his hands, and looked at himself in the mirror. His face didn't look at bad as the rest of him. He remembered the way those blows felt, heavy boots slamming into his body over and over again. But that wasn't the worst of it. Being face down in the filth on the floor of that place, the source of entertainment for a bunch of shouting, cursing, inmates. The pain was awful and the memories were almost worse. The rape was over when it was over, but the memory kept replaying on a continuous loop in his head. The guard who'd held him down with a brutal boot in the middle of his back, the one who thought the pipe was a funny idea...they'd all laughed at that, like torturing another human being that way was funny...
When that guard threw him back in a cell, even the rough looking character who was his cell mate stared at him a while and then left him alone. He'd crawled onto the filthy bottom bunk that was apparently going to be his and lay there dazed by all of it, expecting he wouldn't survive much longer. He knew another beating or another rape would likely hurt him badly enough to finish him off, and there had been some relief in that thought.
Being taken to the infirmary had given him some hope that there were some humans there, that someone might actually care about his injuries and treat them. Instead, from what he'd picked up of the conversation between the guard and the aging, grubby-looking man who passed for a doctor, the big concern was to clean him up and get rid of the evidence from the rape. So he'd been shoved into a dirty shower room where he shivered under an onslaught of cold water and then endured a roughly administered flushing out of his torn up insides. He was lying on a cot in the infirmary in the t-shirt and jeans they provided that he ended up traveling home in when a man dressed in a business suit had come in and barked out some orders in Spanish to the guard there, and then told Danny, in broken English, that the charges were dropped and he was being sent back to the US.
"Danny? Are you okay?" Steve sounded worried.
"Yeah, be right out."
"Take your time."
He wanted to go out there and wrap his arms around Steve and just hold on and never have to face the world again. He stared in the mirror at the haggard, bruised, terrified stranger there. He was trying to see the guy who was confident, tough, and not afraid of a hell of a lot. The one who just ran in and tackled guys half again his size and took them down like a pro. The one who could shoot just about any sort of weapon and hit what he aimed at. The one who didn’t jump at shadows and fear nameless authorities showing up to haul him away to another prison somewhere.
“Danny?” Steve finally poked his head in the door. “Sorry. I’ll leave you be. I’ve been calling your name and knocking and you didn’t answer. I was worried.”
“How long have I been in here?” he asked.
“Not that long,” Steve lied. He knew Steve was lying. The last thing Danny remembered was him saying “take your time” and it seemed like a moment later, he was there. “Are you okay?”
I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.
“I guess,” he said. “I’m sorry...I was just standing here, thinking...”
“Danny, if you ever want to tell me about what happened...I know I fly off the handle and it’s no secret that if I ever find those fuckers I’m gonna slice their balls off, but I can handle hearing whatever you need to tell me.”
“You know what happened.”
“I know the overall facts, but you remember when you finally hammered away at me after the whole ordeal with Wo Fat and made me talk about what he did to me, about the dreams I had? It was hard but when it was over, there was a kind of relief in having somebody else know. That’s not exactly right.” Steve paused, and it seemed like the next words were hard, like when he finally talked to Danny about giving up the guitar when he was a kid. “Having you know. Because it mattered to you. Danny, everything awful that happened to you, matters to me. Even if it’s hard to hear.”
“I just want to feel like me again. This mess isn’t me.”
“It won’t be you for long, buddy. You’re the strongest person I ever knew.”
“Then you need to get out more. Look at me.”
“I am. You’re alive. You’re hurt and you’ve got some shit to get through, but you’re here. And you gave yourself up for the people you love. What do you think is a better definition of strength?”
“Not feeling like this. Not wanting to...not needing...not being such a shaky piece of shit. I’m no good to anybody like this.”
“You don’t think Grace is glad to have you home, even if you’ve got some healing up to do? Joking around with her and listening to her read that awful book? I didn’t have to read that damn thing until I was in Anapolis and even then I thought they should have saved it for SEAL training when we were learning how to endure torture.”
Danny smiled faintly at that. He supposed Grace would prefer him alive even if he was somehow nuts or physically impaired the rest of his life.
“When I was lying in my cell...after...you know...I got to thinking. I knew if they worked me over again...especially if they did that to me again, I probably wouldn’t make it long. I wondered how you’d remember me when I was gone. If you’d be okay, with Chin and Kono and Lou. What the team would be like in a few years. When you told people about your old partner, if you did, because I know you’re not big on talking about things, what you’d say about me. If you’d still think about me sometimes you know, like years on down the road.” Danny knew his eyes were filling up but he didn’t worry about it. It’s not like Steve hadn’t seen him fall apart about the whole mess more than once.
Steve stared at him, like he couldn’t answer any of it. His eyes were kind of a strange, beautiful shade of gray in that light. It’s a weird thing to tell your male partner that watching his eyes change color with the lights or his wardrobe was something you loved to do. But there it was. Aside from the color that always kept Danny intrigued, Steve’s eyes were as moist as his own, and he pulled Danny into his arms and whispered in his ear.
“I wouldn’t have been okay.” Steve’s voice was broken, shaky. “When you’re not here, I’m alone.”
Danny held onto him, glad to be able to give Steve back a little reassurance and comfort. And he really thought about those words. All of them, but the last ones especially: When you’re not here, I’m alone. Other people might have gone off on a flowery speech about love and friendship and needing him and wanting him there, how nobody could replace him...any of that would have been a comfort, but these simple, honest words that came right from Steve’s heart would be in Danny’s heart until the day he died.
The bitter truth was, Grace would survive losing him even though she would always miss him. They were close and while Grace had a good relationship with Rachel, and even with Stan, Danny did pride himself he had the top spot in her heart as far as parents went. Still, she was smart, strong, and had a good, stable home to finish growing up in even if he had to leave her. Ironically, it was Steve he felt would be less likely to handle his death well. Steve was a complex puzzle that Danny never got tired of piecing together. If Danny left him, too, he wondered if the beautiful person that was underneath it all would ever poke his head out again. The one who liked to play guitar and who looked at Danny sometimes like he was the most important thing in the world.
“Sorry,” Steve said, pulling back. “You must be getting tired and now I’m sniveling all over you.”
“I love you, Steven. And if you want me around that much, I’m glad I’m here, no matter what. Because you don’t deserve to be alone.”
“Did you really think I’d just go on and forget about you?”
“No. I didn’t want to think of you being unhappy, but I gotta be honest...I didn’t want to think about you being too okay without me.”
Steve actually laughed at that, reaching to wipe at his eyes, but Danny’s hand got there first, brushing away a couple tears with his thumb.
“Let’s get you into bed and see if we can get a good sleeping spot that doesn’t hurt too much.”
“Okay.” Danny followed him into the bedroom, and he didn’t mention the ointment again. If Steve had forgotten about it, reminding him just felt too awkward.
“We’ll get this stuff done first,” he said, picking up the tube. “Just stretch out on your...well, I was gonna say ‘good side’, but let’s just say the not-as-bad-side.”
“That’s more accurate.” Danny got back on the bed and shifted onto his side with a few groans. Steve went back in the bathroom and he heard the water running briefly before he came back out.
“Just want to be sure my hands are clean so I don’t do more harm than good in the infection prevention department.”
“If this is...if you don’t want to do this, I’d understand.”
“I’d guess it’s not on top of your list of favorite things right now either, Danno. I just don’t want to hurt you and I’m not sure how to do this without doing that.”
“Just do what you can, babe. I know you’re gonna be careful.”
“Okay. You, uh, want to–”
“Yeah, I guess that would help.” Danny moved his shorts down enough to expose himself, trying to remember again that Steve wanted him there, and had offered to do this.
“You’re gonna feel my hand. I’ve got to, uh, touch you so I can see what I’m doing.”
“Just do it. I know what you’re doing.”
“Okay.”
Danny felt gentle fingers easing his cheeks apart a bit and the first entry of the Q-Tip, even though it was obviously bearing a large blob of ointment, hurt like hell and felt like it was doing more harm than good.
“You’re going great, buddy. Hang in there with me just a little longer, okay?”
“Yeah,” Danny managed, squeezing a handful of the sheets, wishing Steve had a third hand so he had something to hold onto. It almost seemed like it was helping a little, and that made him relax. It wasn’t a magic cure, but he felt less raw and awful there.
“We’re done. You did great, Danny.” He gave Danny’s underwear a little upward tug to help him get it back in place. He left the room a moment to go into the bathroom, and Danny eased over on his back again. The bed was a fucking rack of torture and he had no idea how he was going to stand several hours in it. But then he wasn’t comfortable standing around and prolonged sitting wasn’t at the top of his list, either. Steve walked out of the bathroom. “You look miserable, Danno.”
“I’ll be okay. I just need to find that magic sleeping position you were talking about.”
Steve stared at him for a couple seconds. “I have an idea.” He grabbed his car keys on the dresser and then seemed to realize belatedly that he was standing there in a t-shirt, boxer shorts, and bare feet.
“You might wanna put some pants on, babe,” Danny teased. “Where are you going? Or does the idea of going home and sleeping in your own bed instead of bouncing around all night while I flop like a beached fish, sound good about now?”
“I know how to help you get comfortable.” He pulled on his jeans and stuck his feet in a pair of flip flops he’d brought with him in his duffle bag.
"So do I, but I didn't think you'd agree to humanely euthanizing me."
"Nothing that permanent," he replied, snorting. “Will you be okay here for a while?”
“Uh, yeah, sure, I’ll just catch up on these ten-year-old Forensic Files shows they’re running on the Headline News Channel.”
“Sounds good. Back in a bit.” Steve hurried out of the bedroom like an excited little kid on a mission. Danny had to smile. You know somebody loves you when sticking ointment up your butt and going out on some bizarre errand late at night just to make you comfortable is cause for such joy.
********
Steve actually had a spring in his step as he pushed the shopping cart through Walmart to the checkout with the two king-size featherbeds. There was an older woman behind the register who used the hand scanner to reach over and scan the two awkward big items.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Uncomfortable pregnant wife at home, right?" she asked, holding up the half gallon of cookies 'n' cream ice cream. He'd grabbed that, a rotisserie chicken, and some potato salad along the way, thinking maybe some mild food would appeal to Danny after being sick earlier. He had to be empty and not feeling so great by then.
"Injured partner with fractured ribs," he said, smiling, holding up a couple tubes of bruise cream and muscle rub.
"Sorry," she said. "Well, he's lucky to have such a thoughtful boyfriend," she added.
"Uh...thanks," he replied, smiling. "I think I'm the lucky one, though." He found he kind of liked her mistaking him for Danny's boyfriend instead of his cop partner. The thought of having a home, a family, a life with Danny and Grace made him feel warm inside as he paid for his purchases.
"Been together a long time?" she asked, handing him his receipt.
"About five years."
"Well, you have a nice night now. I hope all that works."
"Me, too. Thanks."
Steve loaded his supplies in the truck and tried to keep himself cheerful. Danny was in so much pain, both physically and emotionally, and he felt so fucking powerless to do anything about it. Logically, he knew he was helping, that taking care of Danny and just dropping the pretenses and all the tough guy shit he'd been raised to hold onto and giving him all the caring and support he could ,was helping.
It just wasn't in his nature to let someone he loved be brutalized and not seek any kind of justice for him. A lot of people would say getting him released and exonerated was justice, but the arrest and the horrible abuse Danny went through should never have happened in the first place. He wondered as he drove back to Danny's place if he would have snapped Alexander's neck if he'd known the truth about Danny's ordeal. The fact he was injured wasn't a surprise. Steve didn't expect he'd get through all that unscathed. The degree of it, and the rape...that cut into his soul like a knife.
He decided to swing by his place and pick up the guitar. Maybe it would kill a little time while Danny was resting if he played for him. He hadn't played for anybody in years. He really hadn't played much for other people when he was a kid. But Danny wasn't anybody. He'd watch Steve with that intense interest and make him feel like he was the next great thing to hit the music scene. Danny teased him ruthlessly, but never when it mattered. When it mattered, Danny was his staunchest supporter and personal cheering section.
When he got back to Danny's place, he let himself in quietly, figuring Grace was probably already asleep, and not sure if Danny would be, too, by then. It took him a couple trips to bring in all his supplies, and by the time he shut and locked the front door, Danny had come out of the bedroom.
"What are you doing?" he asked, smiling. For a moment, Danny's smile and the impishness in his expression was back. Steve tried to ignore all the smudges of purple, red, and other shades of bruising on his arms, shoulders, and legs, visible with the shorts and tank shirt he was wearing.
"I made a couple stops."
"I can see that. You look like a Hawaiian Santa Claus with five o'clock shadow. What is all this stuff?" He looked at the two giant plastic packages containing the king size feather beds.
"I figured two layers of that on top of the mattress would make it soft enough for you to sleep on without hurting. I got some food, too - I know you've got stuff, but I got a chicken and some potato salad and ice cream...God, it sounds kind of weird all together, but I thought it would be easier on your stomach if you were getting hungry."
"You brought your guitar," Danny said, his face lighting up at that.
"Yeah, I'm kind of looking forward to trying it out again."
"You haven't played it yet?"
"We were really busy after you first got it for me, and then when you were gone..." Steve stared at it a moment and remembered stopping at his house briefly before leaving on the aging helicopter Bama had provided. He had looked at the guitar sitting there leaning against a wall in his bedroom, and he'd spared a moment to set the case on the bed, open it, and touch the guitar inside. It had been all he could do to pull it together enough to get moving again. The thought of that guitar, Danny's big smile and the sweetness of the gesture had made him physically ache to see Danny and have him back by his side. To just have another ordinary day with him. To argue with him and eat lunch with him and fight over the radio station with him.
"You're gonna play something for me then?" he asked, picking up the food bags.
"Hey, don't lift those."
"I can carry a chicken and a half gallon of ice cream," he said, smiling.
"Just don't overdo it."
"I won't," he said, heading for the kitchen.
Steve carried the rest of the stuff into the bedroom and went to work on re-making the bed with the featherbeds. Only one would fit under Danny's sheets, so he laid the other one out on top. Danny walked in as he was tidying up the rest of the bedding. He was getting tired himself and had to admit it looked pretty inviting.
"Wow. Looks like a bed fit for a king," Danny said, making his slow trek toward it, eating a chicken leg. He touched the surface of the top featherbed and pushed on it a little. "I don't have chicken grease on this hand," he assured Steve, holding it up.
"Nothing's too good for my partner," Steve said cheerfully. He knew Danny was suffering through a lot, and that all the problems were still there, but Danny seemed as if he felt a bit better.
"Sorry. The chicken smelled so good I couldn't stand it," he said, finishing off the chicken leg.
"I'll put together some snacks for us once we get you settled in bed again. Seems like you feel a little better, buddy."
"Pain meds kicked in. I feel a little bit like a zombie, but the pain's better. And you know, the uh, stuff helped."
Steve knew what he meant, and he didn't want him to feel awkward about it, so he just smiled and tried to keep his reply light. "Good. I'm glad you're getting a little relief."
Danny got into the bed and leaned back on the mountain of pillows Steve had there to prop him up.
"Oh, wow. This feels good," he said, sighing, leaning back on the pillows.
"Is it enough padding?"
"It's really soft," Danny said, but he wouldn't have had to say much of anything. The relief and peace on his features as he sank into the softness said it all.
"I'll get you something to eat before you lose consciousness," Steve joked.
"Thank you," Danny said.
"Anytime, buddy."
Steve made up a couple plates with some chicken and potato salad on them. He decided to put the ice cream away for now, since he didn't want to bombard Danny's stomach with too much too soon and make him sick again. He grabbed a couple bottled waters and went back to the bedroom. Danny was watching TV in bed, and he looked comfortable. The pained look was gone, and he was drowsy and relaxed.
"That looks good," he said, taking the plate Steve handed him and digging in to the food. Steve got in the empty side of the bed and stuck a couple pillows behind his own back. The featherbed felt great.
"Yeah, this is good."
"Thanks for doing all this. I didn't think I'd get any sleep tonight."
"You need some solid sleep."
"We both do," Danny said through a mouthful. "You look worn out, babe."
“I’ll just stay here with you and Grace can take care of both of us,” he joked, yawning. It was true, now that he could finally relax, he felt like he could sleep for a week. Instead, he’d be getting up in a few hours to take Grace to school.
“I gotta set my alarm. I take Gracie to school about 7:30,” he said.
“It’s already set on my watch,” Steve said. “I’ll take her. You take it easy, pal.”
“She kind of likes it if I squeal the tires a little when I pull up to drop her off, but take my car because doing that in the truck will just make you look like you can’t drive.”
“She likes it when you make the tires squeal?”
“I think she’d like it if I’d do about 90 and do a spinning stop in the middle of the street with the lights and siren, but she has to take what she can get.”
“She’s a great kid,” Steve said, chuckling.
“Yeah, laugh now. She’s probably gonna drive like you do.”
“You’re right, ‘cause I’m gonna teach her.”
“Over my dead body are you teaching my daughter how to drive. She’s taking driver’s ed from somebody who doesn’t have a death wish.”
“She’s not learning from one of those yahoos. If you don’t want me to do it, you teach her. Those kids don’t get enough time on the road and the driving instructors range from satisfactory to pathetic.”
“I have every intention of giving Grace driving lessons over and above driver training.”
“Yeah, but you’ll have her afraid to back out of the driveway.”
“Are you saying I’m not a good driver?”
“You’re a great driver but you panicked over her getting a ten-speed bike. Just don’t scare the poor kid to death so she’s afraid to move in traffic.”
“Weaving in and out with a couple inches to spare is not moving in traffic, just so you know.”
“I’m not saying she should drive like that to the grocery store. But she’s got two parents who are practically fucking stunt drivers, so she oughtta benefit from some extra training, that’s all I’m saying.”
Danny was quiet a moment, and then Steve realized what he’d said.
“I mean a parent and an uncle,” he added. That sounded worse. He wasn’t even that by blood and now it was really awkward.
“You’re one of her parents, Steve,” Danny said, setting his empty plate aside. “I want you to be.”
“I guess I just got out of line a little throwing in my vote on the driving issue.”
“You’re right. We’ve got an unusual amount of experience and skill between us driving in difficult situations. There’s no reason Grace shouldn’t be better prepared and learn some of those skills. I just want to keep her a little afraid, okay?” Danny asked, grinning.
“Would you settle for well-educated about the risks and encouraged to practice safe driving habits?”
“No, there has to be a little fear involved.”
“Okay, I can live with that,” Steve replied, laughing.
“You’ve already let her drive, haven’t you?” Danny asked, pinning him with an intent look, his voice rising.
“What?”
“You’ve let her drive. You heard me. I can smell it.”
“Not on the street or anything.”
“Tell me your definition of a safe scenario for my twelve-year-old to be driving two tons of metal around,” he said angrily, his jaw clenching.
“Probably more like three,” he said. “I let her drive the Mercury a total of about ten feet, from inside the garage to the driveway. She was thrilled and she didn’t even put her foot on the accelerator, just the brake.”
“And you didn’t think I should know this?”
“Frankly, no, because I knew you’d do this,” he said, gesturing at Danny.
“She’s twelve!”
“It was barely rolling, Danny. I was literally walking next to the car, right by the driver’s door with the window down. I could have reached in and pulled it into park if I had to.”
“Was the engine running?”
“Of course, the engine was running. You can’t drive a car without that.”
“I can’t believe you let her drive. Somehow, I just knew it.”
“Will you calm down? Do you really think I’d put Grace in any kind of danger?”
“Define danger, you...you...adrenaline junky.”
“Well, it’s not a big old car going 2 miles an hour for about twenty feet while I’m walking alongside it. Don’t blame your blood pressure on me - or on your mother, for that matter. You’re doing that to yourself,” he said.
“So not only did you let my twelve-year-old drive, but you put her behind the wheel of that rolling death trap!”
“Why are you calling my car a rolling death trap? How many people has it run over?”
“That I know of? None, but that doesn’t mean anything. I seem to remember pushing that damn thing up a hill in 90-degree heat when it conked out on us.”
“That was years ago, and I’ve replaced a lot of parts in it since then.”
“Fine. It’s a money-sucking death trap, then. Rolling would give it credit for running.”
There was a knock at the door. They looked at each other.
“Come in,” Danny called out. Grace looked in the door.
“It’s a school night, you guys,” she said tiredly.
“Sorry, Mom,” Steve said, and then he looked at Danny who was all ready to be indignant but then started laughing.
“Sorry we woke you up, monkey. We’ll quiet down,” he said, still suppressing a smile.
“Does this mean I get to stay up late next time one of my friends stays over?” she asked, hopefully.
“I owe you one Friday or Saturday night sleepover, you guys stay up as late and you want and be as loud as you want, and I won’t say a word.”
“Night, Danno! Night, Uncle Steve! I’m gonna text Alyssa right now!”
“You can text her in the morning,” Danny called after her. She was already most of the way to her room. “She’s not gonna wait until morning,” he said, shaking his head and letting out a long breath. “We’re gonna pay for this by the weekend in hours of giggling, squealing, and all of the minutes and data on my family plan.”
“Welcome home, Danno,” Steve said, smiling at him. Danny smiled back as his eyes drifted shut. Shortly after Steve turned out the light and relaxed himself, they were both asleep.
********