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Maybe what we had wasn’t enough. But at some point, it felt like it was.
Its weird. Its almost midnight and I’m not really expecting anyone to come knocking at my door at this time of the day… or night. Plus, its Christmas.
Not really having any clue on who might be it, I carefully put my glass of champagne on the table and decided to entertain whoever might be at the other side of the door.
Of-course it’s him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Merry Christmas…” He said with a small smile on his face. I never knew that kind of smile can be addicting. “What is this?” I ask, separating my gaze from his addictive smile and into his hands that’s holding a small rectangular box. It was carefully wrapped.
“Its Christmas. Can’t I give my best friend a gift?” Best friend. Of-course, silly. Why did I forget?
Not really liking the slight pang in my chest, I irritatingly grabbed the box his holding and went back inside. The sound of his footsteps the only evidence his trailing behind me.
“Years of being friends with you and you never gifted me anything before. What changed your mind?” Obviously, that was my futile attempt at dodging the growing pang inside my chest. I look at Cheol and seeing his expression only proved how bad I salvage our already fragile relationship… I guess as friends.
The answer to my question was already obvious. But my stupid self still wasn’t able to stop myself from blurting such stupid question.
I’ve known the answer to that question a long time ago. Even before I became close to him. Even before I met him for the first time. Even before I started having these weird feelings inside me… however wrong it might feel at that time. The answer was as clear as day. He made sure of that. Because that was his only goal.
Except, I wish it wasn’t.
“Han…”
“Don’t get me wrong Cheol. I’m not upset.” I raised my hands signaling him to stop. He did. I wish he didn’t. “Let’s just say that things happened when we least expect it, hmm?” I forced a smile only to produce a small grimace.
This isn’t working!! My inner self is shouting.
I ignored it and proceed to nurse back my almost forgotten champagne. “It’s 12:51 Cheol. Shouldn’t you be leaving? They’re probably waiting for you.” I said.
“What about you? Why are you celebrating your Christmas Eve alone?” he whispered.
“The Christmas Tree looks lonely here. It would be a waste to let it celebrate alone, no?” I move to stand in front of my floor to ceiling window. The view here is always great. I actually dragged my table on the left end so I can enjoy my dinner gazing over the city lights of Manila. I prepared a good kind of food, my favorite steak with mashed potato, and of-course the champagne I snuck out of my parent’s house.
12:55pm
“Cheol-
“Han, can we spend this last Christmas together?”
“I don’t know Cheol. Aren’t you supposed to be with your family right now? With Chescka?” I turned to look at him. He’s still where I last saw him standing. Choi Seungcheol, all with his glory and perfection, standing still in the middle of my living room. Its such a beautiful sight but it hurts thinking it might be the last sight of him engrave in my memory.
“Han… you know Chescka and I are over, right?”
“That’s beside the point, Cheol. What about your family? This is gonna be your last Christmas here in this country.”
“But I’ll still be able to spend my Christmas in America with them. You- this.” He gestures to the great expanse of my living room, desperate to make me understand. And I do. It just hurts.
For years, I saw him walk in and out of this living room. He even made tents here that one time when we were supposed to have a camping trip, only a typhoon came along and ruined our plans. But the typhoon obviously didn’t hinder him from making me feel all campy… even if we have to do it inside my flat.
I made memories here. Lots of it. And most of it are with him. But now he’s leaving.
“Cheol…” I walk towards him, the glass of champagne still in my hand. “You know I love you, right?” I really do, Cheol. More than you could imagine. But whatever is this, it has to end.
There’s only a little space separating him from me now. But I don’t even know if it mattered… not when everything’s going to be over soon.
H a.
We didn’t even start anything yet. What a fucked-up life this is.
“I love you so much but I guess my love for you started at a wrong time.” I place my only available hand to his chest. I can feel his heart beat. Its fast like… its mirroring mine.
“I love you…” I said again, this time giving him a genuine smile. “But I know I was never the goal.”