Work Text:
It was the middle of the night, moon shining bright into the quiet world, providing light for the souls that were awake and uneasy in the darkest hours, glistening like diamonds scattered on the surface of the water. One of those souls this night was Stede. He had been unable to sleep, heavy thoughts rustling around his head. Ed had been long asleep beside him and Stede had decided to get up and get some fresh air, not wanting to disturb his sleep with all his tossing and turning.
Now he was perched against the railing of the ship. His gaze was locked somewhere far off into the distance, where dark skies met even darker waters. The waves crashed against the ship, rocking it back and forth, matching his heartbeat, in sync with the sea, as it always has been.
But the waters weren’t always kind and forgiving; they had brought old sorrows with them tonight. Old, rugged scars that never seemed to fully heal, sending pangs of hurt through his body when touched, as haunted reminders of his past wrongdoings, created by his own hands and mind.
His cowardice, his weak willed heart, his hands that only seemed to fail at everything he did, break and ruin everything he touched. His family that he left, Mary, the kids. Ed. His Ed, who had crumbled upon the grief Stede himself induced. All the ghosts that had taken home in his heart, hovelling and growing at the dead of the night, splintered his bones and chilled his soul. Prying on his downfall.
He was an empty, haunted house, and sometimes he feared letting people in would put the same fright and ruins within them as well. That’s why he ran. He ran away at every possibility where he saw that his wreck of a soul had touched theirs, already seeing in his mind them turning grey and shriveling up like a dead leaf, forgotten under the heavy weight of soon approaching winter.
He didn’t stay long enough to see the empty space he left behind, believing he hadn’t occupied any space at all. He didn’t stay long enough to see the pain that bled into their hearts instead, the confusion, the aching, the longing. The canvas of his mind was already filled with all the tones of self hatred, there was no space for the brightness and warmth he radiated. It spilled on the ground, stained those around him he loved, but never touched his own skin.
He hadn’t noticed the tears spilling down his face or the tremble in his hands until a warm body was in front of him, grabbing his hands and squeezing them tight. Comforting. Loving.
“Stede? What’s wrong?” asked the person, who was none other than Edward. Ed, who had probably woken up, noticed his absence and perhaps thought Stede had left him, again. No matter how many times Stede reassured him, Ed still often found himself waking with that fear within him that Stede always took upon himself to soothe, to calm. And this time he hadn’t been there. Ed had woken alone and Stede wasn’t there. A heavy sob rocked through him.
“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay, come here,” said Ed in a softly concerned voice and pulled him into his arms. He wrapped him up and held him tight. Stede buried his face into the robe, that was actually his, but Ed had taken liking to it so much it had become his, that Ed was wearing and let himself sink.
Ed held him through his cries, carefully petting his back and running his hands through his hair, whispering soft “it’s okay’s” and “i got you’s”.
Once Stede started to calm, regaining his ability to breathe, he wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his own robe and raised a bit higher, about to pull away but Ed continued to hold him tight.
“What’s up, mate? I wake up without you, go looking for you and here you are all alone, looking like you saw a ghost or some shit,” Ed questioned, still not letting go of Stede.
Stede sighed. How could he possibly explain the storm that had taken hold of his mind tonight? How could he let Ed in without hurting him? He already had done that enough. But he willed himself to try anyway. He had promised Ed to not shut him out anymore. To tell him when his thoughts turned dark, instead of leaving without a trace.
“Do you remember what I told you about my encounter with Chauncey?” he felt himself ask, despite the topic of him leaving Ed still being painfully raw and fragile. Like the faintest breeze could topple over the trust they had slowly rebuilt.
Ed’s hand motions on Stedes back faltered and he hesitated. Then he continued, careful. “Yes. That he threatened you. Said horribly untrue things about you. About you ruining things. About you ruining me. You told me that. I still wish that bastard hadn’t killed himself, so I could go and kill him myself for that.”
The corners of Stede’s mouth rose slightly at Ed’s protectiveness. Then they fell again, remembering that dreadful night in full. He still had nightmares about it. It hung over him like a dark shadow, following him around, threatening to swallow him whole. Stede gripped Ed’s robe tighter and mustered the little courage he had to speak the words he had been replaying in his mind ever since. The ones that captured him, held him in a chokehold.
Stede swallowed the lump in his throat and closed his eyes. “He said that I defile beautiful things.” The words came our barely above a whisper, belonging to the wind now, but Ed heard anyway.
“He what? That fucking bastard-” Ed uttered, voice intense, angry. “You don’t actually think that about yourself, do you?”
“I-” the words caught in his throat. Did he think that about himself? He certainly did when he ran. Then, they were nothing but truth, set in stone. A stab right through his guts, painful, but real. But now? Now that he had somewhat repaired the shipwreck of a marriage he had with Mary and relationship with Ed. Now that he knew that not everything he touched turned to ruins. Not every beautiful thing got defiled by his touch alone. And yet.
“I don’t know,” he finally mumbled. Because the ghosts weren’t that easy to banish. Because they were stubborn things, clinging to every corner of his bones. Because he didn’t know who he was without them.
Ed pushed back slightly, just enough to look Stede in the eyes. “Well, then I’ll know for you. I know that you don’t ruin everything. I know that you don’t defile beautiful things. I know that you have tried your damn best to fit in all your life, to be good enough of a husband, if a father, of a captain and you have been pushed and pulled in every direction. And yet you still tried, you got up times and times again and tried,” he brushed a stray piece of hair out of Stedes face, and then placed his hand on his cheek.
“Sure, you might have made mistakes along the way, but god damnit when I tell you Stede, that you’re one of the bravest people I know, I fucking mean it,” he said, pronouncing every word with strong conviction and earnestness.
“Before meeting you, I was a mess. I was wasting my life being the legendary Blackbeard, a persona I was so god damn tired of, bored out of my skull. Life had lost meaning. I didn’t give a shit about anything anymore. And then I met you. I met you and fuck, you gave it so much meaning. Everything wasn’t so dull anymore. You changed me, Stede. You changed me for the better, allowed me to actually be me, Ed, not Blackbeard. Now, I have something to live for.”
Stede was speechless. Not once in his life had he heard something like this being directed at him. He had read hundreds of great stories and poems, but they all paled compared to Ed’s words which made the very ground beneath him fall to pieces.
“But I.. I left and I ruined that, I made you go back to being Blackbeard and..” he choked, his mind still trying its best to deny the reassurance, the comfort being given to him.
“You didn’t make me do anything. You were threatened and made believe complete bullshit about yourself. Even in breaking me, your intentions were to save me. I didn’t realize that back then, but now I do. I see you now, Stede,” professed Ed, his eyes shining in the moonlight, ablaze with something fierce and defiant.
Stede’s eyes were wide. The words, so heavy, full to the brim of something real, undeniable, something he had been so scared to name, to solidify and acknowledge, fearing of being wrong, fearing of once again ruining something beautiful and good, now shone bright and clear, like the moon in the night sky. Tears once again found their way back into his eyes, but this time for different reasons. “Ed, I- ,” The feeling that had been blossoming in his chest for so long formed words in his mind and they begged to escape – like a butterfly caught in his palms, the wings fluttering desperately, urgently, to be set free.
Ed pulled him into a kiss. It was sweet, it was loving, reassuring. Proof, that every word he said was nothing but the truth. Their lips brushed against each other and it felt like something within him came loose.
Stede pulled back and found Ed’s eyes. „I love you,” he said, and the confession came easy, like breathing. It was like opening doors that had been locked for ages. He was letting Ed into his heart and finally, finally, he didn’t feel like running away, but towards.
Ed’s eyes widened for a second, but then creases formed around his eyes, corners of his lips rising upwards, layers of happiness folding around him. „I love you too,” he said and the words settled somewhere deep, deep below, woven into the fabric of the universe, two threads intertwined, forever.
They pulled each other into another kiss and sighed, relief flooding their veins. They were pressed as close as humanly possible, arms around each other, Ed’s still playing with Stede’s hair, the urge to be near only growing more and more. They lost themselves within it, letting the time pass them by – they had enough of it. They had all the time in the world.
When they eventually pulled back Stede felt lighter, somehow. The weight that had felt like rocks stuffed in his pockets as he was drowning into the abyss was gone. Well, mostly anyway. Not everything is easy like tossing rocks out of your pockets, but for now, everything was okay.
A strong breeze run past them and he felt himself shiver. Ed felt it and immediately rubbed his hands up and down Stedes back and said, “Let’s get back to bed, yeah?”
Stede nodded and they returned to their quarters, and as they got into bed, Ed immediately wrapped Stede up in his arms, him laying on his back and Stede on his chest.
Stede signed a content sigh. Never in a million years would have he guessed he would live a life like this. But he did. And he will never give up again, no matter how much the ghosts of his past might try pulling him away. The love he felt for Ed was stronger than any of them. He will keep this love safe, press it gently between pages like flowers, immortalize it, so whenever he will feel fear and doubt, he will be able to look at it, feel the proof of it soft between his fingertips.
“Thank you, for saying all that, my dear. It means a lot to me,” he whispered and nestled in closer to Ed and felt his arms tighten around him. He felt at home.
“Nothing but the truth, love. Nothing but the truth,” Ed whispered back and kissed Stede’s forehead.