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"I think it'll snow tonight."
They're laying in bed together on a Friday afternoon, and even the blanket covering them can't keep the cold air at bay. They're both in a sweaty, sticky, post-sex daze and they should probably go and get cleaned up, but neither of them can find a good reason to. Instead they lay in eachother's arms, embracing the last few hours of normality they'll have in a long time, here in the safety of the 14th Ward.
"Ken," Tsukiyama says quietly, not meeting his lover's eyes, "what if they find us?"
Kaneki holds him closer, pulling his head into his chest. "They won't. We're safe here."
"But they're raiding Anteiku. What if-"
"Shuu, we agreed on this. Neither of us are going to risk our lives. Everyone at Anteiku is capable of protecting themselves, and we're protecting ourselves by hiding here."
Tsukiyama, though still seeming apprehensive, relaxes against Kaneki's chest, tracing patterns into the pale skin beneath him. Kaneki strokes his boyfriend's hair, both of them comfortable in the silence of the room, content just by being in the presence of the other.
Tsukiyama is first to break the silence. "I should shower. This'll dry soon," he says, motioning towards the come splattered across his stomach.
Kaneki smiles, pressing a kiss to the top of Tsukiyama's head. "Yeah. I'll have one later, I'm tired as fuck. It's been a long day."
"Get some sleep, mon amour. You're looking pale." He sits up, brushing his hair out of his eyes and giving Kaneki another kiss before leaving the room.
Kaneki's smile fades as soon as he's gone, and he immediately moves to grab his jeans, which he'd discarded earlier. He reaches into the pocket and pulls out the box of sleeping pills.
He holds his breath as he drops the pills into the glass of blood on the bedside table.
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"We could run away, Ken," Tsukiyama whispers, eyes full of hope as he takes another sip from the glass. Kaneki wants to reach over so, so badly, to shove his fingers down Tsukiyama's throat and make him throw it all up, but he can't go back on this now.
"Yeah, we could. It would be great, wouldn't it?" Kaneki replies. Their eyes don't quite meet.
"We should do it," he sits up, taking hold of Kaneki's hand, a smile forming on his lips, "we could stay here, or we could get my family to arrange something in the 11th Ward. It would be perfect, Ken. We could change our identities, start a new life. No one would know us."
Kaneki nearly bursts into tears, because he wants so desperately to agree with Tsukiyama, to say yes, yes let's run away, let's do it now and pretend he's completely fine. He just wants Tsukiyama to be happy, but he knows that after tonight, he won't be. It wouldn't be far fetched to say that he probably won't ever be okay again once he wakes up tomorrow. But for now, he has to play the part.
He pretends to think it over for a while. "Yeah, let's do it."
The look on Tsukiyama's face is one of pure ecstasy, a grin spreading across his face, and he can't remember the last time he saw him look so hopeful. "You're serious, mon cher?"
Kaneki nods. "Of course I'm serious. Tomorrow, we'll do it. We'll run away. We'll sleep first, though, okay?"
Tsukiyama immediately settles, laying down and wrapping his arms around Kaneki. "I love you, Ken. I love you so much."
Kaneki hugs him close to his chest. "I love you too. I love you more than I've ever loved anything. Don't forget that, okay?"
"Since when were you so romantique?" He slurs his words a little, and Kaneki can tell the pills are starting to take effect.
"I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired. Don't forget what I said, though. Whatever happens from here on out, don't ever forget that I love you."
"Mhm..." Tsukiyama uses his last shreds of energy to lean up and kiss Kaneki. He returns the kiss, stroking Tsukiyama's hair softly, smiling, truly smiling as he pulls away.
"Rest a while, Ken," he mumbles as he falls asleep, lips pressed to Kaneki's neck.
"I will. Sleep well, Shuu."
Only then does he let the tears fall.
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Tsukiyama wakes up fourteen hours later, dazed and confused. How long did he sleep for? The first thing he notices is that he’s not in the same position he was in when he fell asleep.
The second thing he notices is that Kaneki isn’t beside him.
He sits up immediately, calling out his name. There’s no response. Heart racing, his eyes scan the room.
No.
Kaneki’s battlesuit is no longer folded at the end of the bed, and it’s replaced by a note and a half-empty bottle of sleeping pills.
Kaneki drugged him? It explains why he felt so fatigued after he’d returned from the shower last night, and why he slept so soundly and for so long, but why would he do it? His attention turns to the note, and his heart drops.
Shuu,
Please don’t worry about me. I’m so sorry. Please never forget that I love you.
Ken x
As soon as he reads it, he knows where Kaneki went.
He went to the raid.
And he hasn’t come back.
Tsukiyama’s heart thumps too loudly in his ears, nausea rising in his chest, hands trembling. He has to find out what happened, and he needs to find out now. Rising from the bed on shaking legs, he stumbles to the living room, falling in front of the television. He turns it on, holding his breath as he switches to the news channel.
Of course, it’s broadcasting news of the raid. It’s huge news, the main story being the extermination of the Owl. Tsukiyama looks across the screen desperately, searching for any indication of Kaneki’s status. There’s a list of ghouls killed, but he isn’t on it, and for a moment he feels a shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, he’s alive and well.
Until the news reporter starts speaking, that is.
“In other news, we have confirmation that the SS-ranked ghoul Centipede was exterminated in the early hours of the morning. It’s believed he was killed in the underground V14 route, and his body is….”
Tsukiyama zones out. He can’t listen to any more of this. His chest feels tight, his hands gripping the edges of the television to stop himself from collapsing.
Kaneki is dead.
He’s dead, and there’s nothing Tsukiyama could have done to stop it.
He doesn’t even realise he’s crying until he feels the wetness on his cheeks and then he can’t stop, choking, sobbing, calling out for the lover who will never return.
He’s never going to see him again. He’ll never kiss his lips again, he’ll never hold his hands again, he’ll never stroke his hair or wipe his tears or hear that beautiful, beautiful voice ever again. In the space of a few hours, his entire life has been upturned. Why did Kaneki have to be so kind? Why did he have to be the one going out there, risking his life for his friends, even after they’d agreed to? Tsukiyama should be angry, he should be furious that Kaneki would betray him, drug him, and practically go out on a suicide mission behind his back. But despite all this, despite all the pain and heartbreak he’s feeling, he can’t find it in himself to be angry.
“Never forget that I love you.”
Tsukiyama reads the words, over and over until they blur together and engrave themselves in his soul, his tears dripping onto the paper and smudging the words, voice hoarse from crying. He won’t forget Kaneki. He’ll never forget him. He knows that he’ll be his first thought every morning when he wakes up, and his last thought before he falls asleep. He knows Kaneki Ken won’t be forgotten.
Raising his head and looking out of the window, at the near-silent city beneath him, he speaks his last words to Kaneki. They’re the same words he whispered in his semi-conscious daze last night, in their final moments together.
“Rest a while, Ken.”
He’ll return someday.
Tsukiyama knows he will.