Work Text:
and down there in the dark I can see the real truth about me.
as clear as day, lord if I make it through tonight
I will mend my ways and walk a straight path to the end of my days
“You or Your Memory” –The Mountain Goats
James slides his hand across Ben’s chest under the covers, waking him from a light sleep. James’ fingers graze over his ribs and around his nipples and down his side with maddeningly light touches. He breathes slowly, aware of James’ hand riding the rise and fall of his chest. James seems to be counting his ribs by feel, methodically running the pads of his fingers over every inch of his skin.
“What are you doing?” Ben whispers. It’s dark in his bedroom but if he looks out of the corner of his eye instead of straight on he can just see the outline of James lying on his side next to him.
“I’m exploring,” James whispers back. His hand drifts up to Ben’s neck, traces his collar bones. “Sometimes I feel like I can’t really see something until I touch it.” He places his palm flat over one of Ben’s nipples and presses it down. Ben feels sparks shooting out from where James touches him, feels his cock waking up.
“You’re driving me crazy,” he takes a shuddering breath and the room feels smaller somehow in the darkness, under the heavy covers. He is aware that he’s breathing the same air as James. James smells of aftershave and mint toothpaste and shampoo. Ben draws in a deep breath of him. “Crazy in a really, really good way. But still.”
“Do you want me to stop?” James asks, his still-wandering hand indicating that he really doesn’t plan to.
“God no.”
James’ hand starts at Ben’s sternum and runs out over his ribs on the other side, tracing the length of each one before moving down to the next. Ben tries to hold still; he feels like he’s being catalogued. The fizzing arousal builds until he can’t contain it any longer and he rolls toward James and reaches out for him. His hand lands on his hip and tangles in the jumper James is wearing.
“Why are you fully dressed and I’m over here in my pants?” he whines. James laughs, too low to really be heard but Ben feels the rumble reverberate through James’ hand on his chest like the low rumble of a Lamborghini at idle; quiet amusement hiding mind-melting insanity. Ben groans in frustration. He really is trying not to push James and to let him go at his own pace but… fuck. Ben grits his teeth a releases his fist-full of jumper.
“At this point? Habit,” James whispers and suddenly his hand is gone. He sits up and wrestles the jumper over his head, turning it right side out and tossing it toward the foot of the bed before lying back down beside Ben. “Better?”
Ben’s hand trembles slightly as he runs it from the hollow of James’ hip over the rise of his ribcage and the ridges of his ribs to his shoulder. James has understated curves, like a Porsche—maybe a Boxster-- and his skin is smooth and hot like the sun-baked metal of a car in the parking lot. He somehow smells warm now. “Much.”
They’ve touched before, after a few glasses of wine and in the relative safety of the living room, but this is different. James has taken his shirt off when they made out on the sofa, but never in bed. He insistes on wearing his clothes whenever he sleeps in a ‘strange bed,’ saying he doesn’t like the idea of his bare skin on someone else’s sheets and Ben hasn’t pushed him about it.
“So was the whole ‘strange bed’ thing just an excuse to keep me from feeling you up at night?” Ben teases and rubs his thumb over James’ nipples, awed by the gasps James makes. He does it again.
“Not at all,” James murmurs and hisses when Ben scrapes over a nipple with his thumb nail. “It’s just, your bed isn’t strange to me anymore.” He says it like it makes perfect sense. Ben supposes that to James it must. He is beginning to suspect that he will never figure James out. It’s a delightful thought.
He smiles into the concealing darkness and feels his way over James chest and down to his abs. James’ hand mirrors his actions and Ben thinks he could probably do this all night, if he’s careful about it and doesn’t let himself get too worked up.
Ben scoots his head a little closer to James’. He’d like to slide all the way over, bury his hand in James’ hair and kiss him, but he knows that if he does he’ll just wind up frustrated and unable to sleep. He’s content to take things at James’ speed, but sometimes his body doesn’t quite get on board with that plan.
He moves down the bed and lets his face rest against James’ neck. Slowly he trails his nose across James’ squared shoulders and the dip between his collar bones. James skin seems impossibly softer than before and the rich, deep smell that stirs up off his skin is intoxicating. Ben feels submerged in a warm haze, cocooned by the textures and tastes and smells of James.
“Ben,” James whispers and it vibrates in his throat against Ben’s cheek.
“Mmm?” Ben feels James’ hand slide up to find his cheek. It runs up to his eyebrows and down the ridge on his nose, finally resting soft fingers against his mouth.
“I--” James’ dry throat clicks as he swallows, Ben hears him wet his lips. “I want to do more. But you’re going to have to take the lead, alright? I don’t know… I don’t know how,” James says softly.
Ben swallows hard; can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. He doesn’t know… he thinks. Surely he’s done this before. He isn’t sure at all, though.
Ben feels his heart pounding against his ribs and it feels like the walls of the room have closed in until they’re right down on top of them. He desperately wants to get this right. He moves his hand up to James’ face to try and feel his expression. James’ eyelashes flutter against his palm and he leans his head into his touch. “Okay,” Ben says. “Tell me to stop if… you know. Anything.” He feels James nod and takes a fortifying breathing.
Ben slides closer to James slowly, still afraid he’ll mess this up somehow, until their chests are a breath apart and James’ hand slides back into his hair. He moves his own hand to the curve of James’ cheek and presses a light kiss to his mouth. It’s more intense that most of their tongue kisses have been, because this one is heavy with expectation and Ben can already feel himself getting hard, just from a closed-mouth kiss.
James’ hand pulls him in tighter and his tongue licks at the seam of Ben’s lips. He opens his mouth to deepen the kiss and puts his arm around James’ back, drawing their bare chests together. Their heart beats crash back and forth between their chests, fast and wild and slightly out of sync. “Like this?” he whispers into James’ open mouth.
“Yes,” James draws him back into their kiss, sliding his tongue across Ben’s teeth and forcing it into his mouth, immediately turning the kiss wet and heavy. James tastes of red wine and cigarettes under the minty tang of toothpaste. Their tongues slide against one another, pushing back and forth between their mouths, and even when they have to separate enough to breathe they steal quick, open-mouthed kisses between pants. And this is the thing about James, for all that he can be stubbornly tight laced most of the time, when he’s ready to do something he does it all the way. Ben feels James' cock hardening against his hip and groans. He rests his hand on James’ side and levers them both until they roll with James on his back and Ben mostly covering him.
Ben is desperate for some real contact now that he has the chance and seems to have permission. His cock twitches in anticipation as he angles himself so that his crotch lines up with James’ and their erections nestle together. The real actual feeling of James’ hard cock under him, pressing against his is so far beyond what he’d been imagining he sees fireworks in the darkness and this time they both moan.
Confident now that they’re both in this together he sits up, straddling James’ hips, and leans down kiss his shoulder, mouthing his way up to his jaw. James lets out a stuttering breath and he smiles against his skin; it’s like taking a new car around the track for the first time. He gets the same heady, focused rush exploring James’ body, finding the things that make him gasp and moan, as he does from pushing the limits on the track, finding the exact moment to brake, turn in, accelerate.
He leans further and one of James’ arms is pressed between them; James’ fingers tease in his chest hair, tugging just slightly and Ben moans. As he moves upwards James pants and Ben can barely keep himself from grinding his hips down hard as he kisses James’ open mouth, James’ hot, fast breaths washing over his face.
“Stop!” James says suddenly, strangled. Ben feels ice run through his veins and backpedals, shoving himself away so quickly he plants a hand on James’ face in his haste. Oh no, oh fuck. I’ve ruined it, he panics. He curses the darkness; he can’t see James face so he waits in the dark, too afraid to touch in case he makes it all worse. He can hear James breathing, still too fast but slowing. “Wait,” James amends. His hands search out on the darkness and land on Ben’s thighs, shoving him off.
Ben rolls to the side, careful to give James space. I’ve ruined it. “What is it? Was I going too fast?”
“No,” James still sounds out of breath but calmer. He sighs and his hands pat over Ben’s shoulders and up to his face. “You’re great. It’s stupid really, it’s just, I think I need to be on top. I get a little claustrophobic. And panicky”
Ben feels himself release a breath he didn’t know he was holding; relief washes over him and his heart stumbles back into its normal rhythm. “Right, I should have realized that,” he almost laughs in relief but stops himself, realizing just in time how it would sound to James in the dark. He lies on his back and tugs on James’ arms. “Come on then.” A little reluctantly James lays down with his chest on Ben’s but his legs off to the side. He’s heavy and solid and real.
“By the way,” Ben kisses him, just because he can. “I’m making a new rule,” he pauses, can’t resist kissing his pouty lips again. “That you aren’t allowed to say that you or anything you do or think is stupid while we’re in bed.” He pushes both hands into James’ thick hair to frame his face and looks at where James’ eyes ought to be. “Deal?”
“Deal,” James slides one leg between Ben’s so that they’re pressed together all the way along their bodies. Ben takes one hand out of James’ hair and caresses the small of his back. Regardless of whether they can actually figure this out tonight, he knows they will eventually. In the same way that he knows the sun will rise in the morning and James will still be here. He breathes in the sweet smell of James’ shampoo and shamelessly hugs him close.
James clears his throat, in the way that means he’s about to say something difficult but he’s decided it must be done. “I know that you’re not supposed to say it, the first time you say it, in bed” he begins in the hedging sort of the way that Ben is embarrassed to admit he finds adorable. “But it’s true, nonetheless, and the fact that we’re in bed in just incidental…” Heart beating wildly Ben waits for James to find the words. “I think I’m in love with you.”
Time seems to slow. Brake, turn in, accelerate.
“I hope you are, James,” he whispers, committing to the turn and baring his soul to the darkness. “Because I am so in love with you it scares me.” James leans down suddenly to kiss him then, and because they can’t see each other he misses a little bit and smashes Ben’s nose with his cheek, but it doesn’t matter at all. James sucks his tongue into his mouth messily, making happy little panting noises whenever he takes a breath, and Ben gives in to the urge to slide his hands down the back of James’ trousers, over his pants, and cup his arse. God it’s perfect.
James manages to dress in such a way that he completely hides the fact that he has an amazing body. Ben suspects that he does it on purpose, at least on some level, to keep people from noticing him. The first time he’d gotten a look at James’ abs Ben had nearly fainted like some old fashioned heroine. Not that he minds getting to have this body all to himself. He holds James down against him and rocks his hips up to get some friction.
James breaks their kiss to moan and drops his face to Ben’s shoulder. “I think it’s time to get the trousers off, yeah?” He rolls off of Ben and reaches for his flies.
“Please,” Ben shoves at his pants until he gets them down and kicks them off somewhere toward the bottom of the bed. He feels James’ shuffle his trousers off and extract them from under the covers. Ben reaches over to James’ hip and hooks his thumbs under the elastic waistband of his pants. “James?” he asks, wanting permission. James stills and Ben listens to him breathing quietly, trying to read if he’s doing the right thing.
“Yeah,” James says finally. “Yeah, all right. Might as well.” He lifts his hips to help Ben slide the pants down and off. Ben runs his hands back up James’ legs to where they meet James’ body. Coarse hair brushes his fingers as he slides one hand up to rest on James’ stomach. He waits and the silence in the room stretches thin. It seems even the cars on the street are holding their breath, but James doesn’t say ‘stop’ or even ‘wait’ so he slowly moves the other hand over until he finds what he’s been waiting for.
James breath catches and then stutters out in a groan when Ben touches his cock and his abs twitch under his hand. He explores James’ cock without actually stroking it yet, almost too in awe to do anything more than to try his best to see with his hands. James is big, larger that he would have guessed. It’s enough of a difference from his own that there’s no way he can forget this isn’t himself he’s touching. His cock bends slightly to one side and his foreskin slides up just a bit when Ben moves his hand over it. He’s perfect. He swipes his thumb over the head, smearing pre-come, and James makes a strangled sound. Ben can tell he’s biting his lip to keep quiet.
“James, I want to hear you,” he curls his hand tight around James and stokes him once, up-down.
“Oh god,” James gasps. Hearing his voice, normally a paragon of carefully metered syllables and tones, so strained is like a drug. Ben just wants to make him lose control more. “This isn’t—I’m not going to last very long, I’m afraid.”
“Good,” Ben starts to stroke him in earnest, moving up the bed and propping himself on his elbow. “We can take our time later. This time, I don’t want to wait.” He speaks against James’ open mouth to feel the panting breaths wash against his cheek and the way James has to stop breathing to swallow hard. “I want to know what noises you make when you come,” he says, speeding up his strokes.
James moans and twitches his hips. Ben can feel one of his hands beside him digging into the sheet for grip. “Put your hands in my hair.” He whispers it right into James’ ear and immediately both James’ hands are flexing in his hair, looking for purchase. He leans one way and then the other, savoring the feeling of James hands tugging his hair.
He groans and thrusts his erection against James’ hip, feeling a wave of sensation roll over him and moans. At his rate he isn’t going to last very long either. He swipes his hand across the head of James’ cock to gather more pre-come and stokes him hard and fast. James whimpers, delightfully undone, and his abs flex against Ben’s forearm.
“Fuck James. You’re gorgeous, and I can’t even see you,” he plants desperate, wet kisses up James’ shoulder to his jaw, tongue going into James’ open mouth and searching for every muffled gasp and moan. James kisses back with a new intensity, pressing his head up from the pillow and pulling Ben down with his hands at the same time. He pulls away suddenly and gasps, “I’m going to come. Ben, I’m going to—“
“Fuck,” he says and James comes over his hand on a drawn out, wavering moan. Ben does his best to capture the sound in his memory, knowing he’ll be jerking off to that until he’s too old to get it up anymore. He presses kisses to James’ slack mouth and pumps him slowly until James sighs and smiles against him. Ben fishes his pants up from the bottom of the bed to clean them off. “Amazing,” he says, running one palm over James’ abs to feel them quiver again.
“My turn,” James says, brushing Ben’s neglected erection with the back of his hand. Ben’s cock jumps at the touch and he bites his tongue to stop from cursing.
“James, you don’t have to,” he begins. “I mean, just whatever you want to do.” James turns his hand to run his fingers over Ben’s cock lightly, repeating his earlier movements on his ribs. It’s ten times as maddening as before and as close as he is he doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to stand the teasing touches. He moans and thrusts up fruitlessly against James’ loose hand.
“I want to suck you,” James whispers right in his ear and Ben’s head goes all static-y for a second, unable to process that phrase coming out in James’ voice. Definitely a Lambo, he thinks ridiculously. Completely unpredictable. Quiet amusement just waiting to turn the world upside down when you least expect it. When he comes back to himself though James is still there, stroking one long finger up the length of his cock.
“James,” he groans. “Are you sure?” It’s literally the last thing he expected James to offer. Well, maybe rimming would have been the last thing, but it was a close second. He tries to measure his breaths and wills himself to stay in control. James still might change his mind, and he doesn’t want to put any pressure on him, but god, he’s already imagining what James’ wide, soft mouth will feel like around him. He moans again involuntarily and James’ wandering hand moves down to cup his balls and slide down the inside of one leg.
“Yes,” James says and slips down Ben’s body until both his hands are resting at the tops of his thighs and his face, he can only imagine, must be at his groin. One of James’ hands grips the base of his cock and angles it slightly down and he feels wet breaths brush across the head. Ben holds his breath.
James doesn’t go down on him. In fact James doesn’t do anything as far as he can tell. Ben exhales and gasps for a new breath, trying to get the road back under his feet. Like stalling on the start line, he thinks. He tries his best not to whine or wiggle his hips closer to James but the stress of what, by this point, is over an hour of foreplay is starting to override his better sense. He steals himself, reminding himself that patience is a virtue (or whatever. He’s fairly sure that whoever thought that up wasn’t in bed with James.)
James moves his hand up his cock slowly and then down again. It’s almost a stroke but not quite hard enough or fast enough to anything enough. James switches hands and angles Ben’s cock again and he’s thinking Yes, yes, yes, yes, as he feels James breaths get closer until James turns his head at the last minute and rubs against him with his cheek instead. James’ stubble grazes his over-sensitized skin and he groans in frustration, practically trembling with need. He’s sure James isn’t doing it on purpose; James doesn’t tease. But all the same, he’s about to give Ben an early heart attack.
“Jaaaaames,” he moans, propping himself up on his elbows. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,” he forces himself to say. “But for the love of god, what are you doing down there?”
“I’m just checking it out,” James says reasonably. “You don’t just go around putting strange things in your mouth without getting a good look at them first.” He says it almost like an admonishment and Ben lets himself whine out loud with frustrated need. “And warn me before you come. I don’t want that in my mouth.” Ben drops his head back on to the pillow. Captain Slow, indeed. James May must be the most stubborn, pedantic, maddening, man on the planet, he thinks, but God, do I love him.
He’s teetering on the edge of a truly amazing, drawn-out orgasm, feather-light touches be damned, by the time James licks fleetingly at the tip of his throbbing cock and the noise that comes out of him is so raw and needy that Ben doesn’t even recognize himself. James makes a considering “Hmmm,” and then he’s back, finally, finally taking Ben into his mouth until he meets his hand and sucking lightly.
“Oh god, oh god, oh god,” Ben chants and he knows that even if the lights were on all he’d be able to see right now would be a white out. He squeezes his eyes shut and colors burst behind his eye lids. James pulls back and licks all the way up the side of him before going down again and Ben’s hands bury into his hair, too far gone to worry about being polite.
“Fu-- fuuuck,” Ben moans. James is moving his head now and alternating licks with sucking and there’s no way he’s never done this before. Ben can feel his breaths making cool streaks across his wet cock whenever he pulls back to breathe and it’s that incredible alternating hot-hot-cold, hot-hot-cold sensation that rockets him closer. It takes an embarrassingly short amount of time for him to reach the edge. “James, James, I’m gonna’ come. I’m close.” James’ mouth is replaced by his hand and he jerks Ben roughly.
“Come on then,” James says, his voice rougher and lower than it was before and almost as out of control as he had when he was moments from coming himself. He leans up Ben’s body until he can lick across his chest, following the trails of his ribs that his fingers mapped earlier, and Ben is gone. He hears himself cursing as he comes onto the pants James holds against him but he feels like he’s floating above the room.
When he comes down James is lying beside him in the position they were in when this whole thing started. One of James hands wanders over his chest, tracing every inch. “I think that that was one of the best orgasms of my life,” Ben whispers to him. “Full stop.”
“I was afraid that I would be rubbish,” James mumbles. His voice is still a little scratchy but it’s back in his normal register and Ben can clearly picture the slightly embarrassed but thoroughly pleased look on his face.
“No,” and this time Ben does laugh, because he’s just so damn happy to be in love with James May. Captain Slow. Captain Taking-His-Own-Damn-Time. He rolls to his side and searches for James. “No, you infuriating, wonderful man. Not at all.” He presses a slow goodnight kiss to James’ mouth and feels his smile. “Not at all,” he whispers again and catches James’ restless hand in his, holding it safe between them.