Chapter Text
I could feel my worries begin lifting off of me as I spun around the room, screaming along with my radio. "She's looking at you! Ah, no, no, she's looking at me!"
I could have just used magic to do my makeup, but actually picking up my brushes and painting my face was helping me to keep my mind off of what was coming later that night. My hair was still wet from the shower, sending small drops of water all over my bedroom as I danced. "Well, I'm gon' paint my picture! Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray!"
I thought I heard my roommate shouting something, but my music was too loud to make it out. I swiped on a plum lip color as the finishing touch to my face. I danced over to my closet and wondered how mad Mad-Eye would be if I just showed up in muggle clothes. I'd probably need my flying robes for the mission though.
But for under my robes, I picked out a pair of mom jeans and a burnt orange blouse with a plunging neckline. I twirled back over to my vanity, "Mr. Jones and me, stumbling through the barrio!" I grabbed my gold jellyfish necklace that I had bought with Sirius and clasped it around my neck.
Just as the clasp was about to close, by bedroom door flew open revealing a frustrated looking Hufflepuff. "Are you almost ready? We are going to be late!"
I rolled my eyes, "I'm ready! I just have to put my shoes on!"
"So, you are not ready. It's a guard mission Smudge, it's not a Ministry Gala!"
"Exactly! Werewolves aren't allowed at Ministry Galas!"
"He's back from his mission?" Annie asked, her eyes growing wide.
"According to Sirius, he was supposed to arrive back yesterday."
"I'm confused, then why are you dancing and singing like a kid in a candy store?"
"I'm burning energy! It's helping me calm my nerves."
"I wish he wasn't in the Order, otherwise I'd hex him as soon as I saw him." She grumbled.
"You can't hex someone just because they fell out of love with me."
"No, but I sure as hell can bloody hex someone for breaking up with you by leaving you a note while you were lying unconscious in the hospital wing."
"Fair enough," I shrugged, "I'm just hoping the night goes by quickly. The less time I'm around him the better."
"Just don't do anything stupid, Smudge."
"Like what?"
"I don't know, bewitch his broom or something!"
"I think you are projecting."
"Maybe, but still..."
"Annie, I am fine, I promise." I lied.
"I know how much you love him."
"Loved. How much I loved him, past tense." I lied again.
She looked at me, seeing right through everything I was saying.
I sighed, giving in to her gaze, "I hate him just as much as I love him."
"Which is why I told you not to do anything stupid." She laughed. "Are you ready to go?"
"As ready as I'll ever be."
A few seconds later we had both apparated out of our apartment and were standing in front of the door to Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Before I could reach the doorknob and just let us in, Annie had rung the doorbell. The derogatory screams of Sirius's mother could be heard through the door. By now, I had grown numb to her cries of "Filthy Mudblood," but it still didn't help with my nerves at all.
I tried to steady my shaking hands. This would be the first time we had seen each other since we broke up. I was already having trouble keeping my breath calm. I didn't know how I could look at him now, knowing he didn't love me.
Sirius opened the door, growling at us. "How many times do I need to tell you people not to ring the bloody doorbell?"
"At least once more!" Annie chirped, walking right past him and down the hall.
"You're supposed to wait until I ask you a security question!"
"Go ahead, I can hear you!"
"What year did you join the Hufflepuff Quidditch team?"
"Fourth year." She called back, continuing into the meeting room.
"That wasn't a very good security question. Anyone at Hogwarts could have answered that."
The man just shrugged, "All I could think of. Come on in, Cap."
"You know, you are supposed to ask me a security question too."
He rolled his eyes, "Why did you buy that jellyfish necklace?"
"I bought it to commemorate you getting stung by a jellyfish off of the coast of Angola."
"Nope, you bought it because you're a bitch."
I laughed as I leaned in to hug him. I had seen him just a few days prior, but insisted he get as much human contact as possible after being locked up in Azkaban for so long. I squeezed him a little too tight, my nerves taking over as I whispered in Sirius's ear, "Is he here?"
"Yes, he is. Can we talk before you head in?"
I pulled away, "I am fine."
"Really? Cause you seemed a bit dressed up for the mission. In fact, I don't think I've seen that much of your breasts since we bathed together." He smiled, gesturing to the extra cleavage that my top revealed.
I swatted his arm as hard as I could, "Don't say it like that! You were on the other side of the damn lagoon, and when you say it that way it makes it sound like we were shagging!"
"Exactly." He grinned.
"You're a prat."
"I know. But I'm also your friend, so please remember that when I say what I'm about to."
"What's that?"
"He had a hard time on his assignment, he's not in a great place. So, go easy on him."
"As opposed to what? Screaming at him in front of the entire order? Why does everyone think I'm going to freak out on him?"
"You do have a bit of a temper. I've seen you punch a man for far less that breaking your heart."
"Well, you deserved it!"
"There was a bug on you! Why else would I have smacked your ass with a book?"
"I don't know what you're into!" I hissed. We had argued about this far too many times and I simply didn't have the energy too go through it again, not right now.
I pushed past him and made my way to the meeting room. I suppose I was slightly aggravated at Sirius's remarks, which may have caused me to swing the door open a bit too harshly. All of the heads in the room snapped to look at me as the door hit the back wall. I didn't know who all was looking at me, I didn't care. The only pair of eyes I could focus on were his.
I could feel my heart starting to break all over again as Remus Lupin locked eyes on me. Once upon a time I had thought that if I stared at those eyes long enough, I would drown in them. Perhaps drowning would have been easier.
"I don't know what it is about you, but I feel like I've known you forever."
"I know what you mean. I feel like this is where the universe wants me right now, here, with you."
Couscous flew through the air hitting me dead in the eye. "Don't lie to me."
I wiped it off my face, laughter escaping from my mouth, "What the hell Remus?"
"You lied, I threw couscous at you."
I couldn't stop laughing, I reached down taking a large handful of food and flung it at Remus's chest.
"I trust you, and I want to be with you, and I want you to know that I love you Remus Lupin. I love you, with every piece of my soul. And I have been bursting waiting to tell you."
He practically jogged over to me, grabbing me and pulling me into a kiss. "I love you too."
"If I didn't tell you I was a werewolf, then you would have been safe. If I did tell you, there was a chance you'd stay and I could hurt you, or there was a chance you'd have left me which... which would have devastated me."
"How could you think that I'd leave you because of this?"
He moved his hand, sliding a finger against the bottom of my panties. I rolled my hips at the contact, desperately wanting more. My head was growing fuzzy with desire.
"What was that?" He teased as his tongue flicked my chest. "Patience is a virtue my love."
"Screw patience, I want you inside of me."
I spun it around to show him what I had written "Remus and Vivian's Bucket List".
I cleared my throat, putting on my best serious and authoritative persona. "Number one, kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve in a pub."
He chuckled, "All right, number two, get a flat together."
"Alright!" I bit the inside of my cheek, "What about, grow old together?"
He smiled, "I like the idea of that. You should put it on the list."
He looked older than I remembered, his hair had greyed, and he looked more tired than I had ever seen him. His gaze stung, like he was slashing through my soul with just a glance.
"Please believe me when I say this doesn't have anything to do with what happened the night of the full moon. Whatever it is we've been doing, is over. When you were asleep, I simply realized that I don't need you. I don't want you either. Please do not try to contact me. RJL"
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself when I felt a hand grip my shoulder. "I've got you, Cap."
Sirius wrapped his arm around my shoulders, guiding me into the room. I could feel my panic fading slightly now that he was there. Now that I was breathing again, I could see who was in the room. There was only a handful of us; those who would make up the advanced guard. The rest of the Order would be joining us later for the meeting.
Tonks elbowed Annie as Sirius and I walked in. "Look babe, it's your sugar daddy."
"He isn't my sugar daddy, he's Smudge's." She said loudly.
Sirius cast all three of us a strange look before deciding to play along, "If I'm your sugar daddy shouldn't I be getting something else out of this arrangement?"
I leaned up and planted a kiss on his cheek, laughing as he grimaced. "Is that enough sugar for you?"
"I think it's right that he pays your rent, Merlin knows he's rich enough. And he was technically the reason you lost your job." Annie smirked.
"She didn't lose her job." Mad-Eye grumbled from the corner of the room. "Perkins was simply placed on an indefinite medical leave. I've already told her that she could join the new recruits this spring if she'd like."
"Which I really do appreciate, Moody." I said quickly, not wanting to piss the old Auror off.
"How about you feed Buckbeak tonight and we'll call it even on your expenses." Sirius said.
"I am more than fine with that deal."
He smiled at me before removing his arm from my shoulders and heading over towards his decanter. Apart of me wondered if he had purposefully gotten me close to Remus before abandoning me for a glass of Fire Whiskey. I knew he was still secretly hoping that Remus and I would get back together, despite us not even seeing each other for over a year.
I took another deep breath, summoning all of my courage and grit before turning to face the man who had shattered my heart. I plastered on the best smile I could manage. "Hello Remus."
"Hello Vivian," He seemed surprised that I was talking to him. "It's good to see you."
I gulped down the nasty insults that I wanted to spew and forced out a short. "Yup."
I think I was wrong when I had told Annie that I hated him just as much as I loved him. I hated him so much more.
I turned away from him, heading back towards Sirius. I grabbed a glass and reached to take the decanter from him, only for him to jerk it away.
"You aren't drinking before you go to pick up my Godson."
"I'm sure Harry would understand."
He growled at me as I reached for the decanter once more.
"Seriously?"
"The best you could manage for Moony was 'Yup,' seriously?"
The last word was meant to mock my attempt for a drink, but instead of escalating the situation I decided to just go join Tonks and Annie instead.
"Did you like the sugar daddy comment?" Annie asked in a hushed voice.
"We rehearsed it!" Tonks added proudly.
"We thought it might make Lupin jealous."
"You were supposed to play along." Tonks said, scrunching up her face and turning her hair a bright purple.
"I just want this night to be over so I can go home and never leave my bed again."
"Oi," Tonks defied, "I thought you were going to show us that muggle picture about the cannibal this week."
"I suppose I can leave my bed for Anthony Hopkins." I said with a forced laugh, before quickly realizing they didn't know who that was. "He plays the bad guy in the film."
Annie lowered her voice again so that only Tonks and I could hear her, "Are you alright?"
I sucked in my lips, "No, no I'm not. I knew tonight was going to be hard, but I didn't think it was going to be this hard." My heart had not stopped racing since I had entered the room.
"It's the first time you've seen him since your break up, it's normal to slide back a bit." Tonks said kindly.
"I don't know what I was expecting but he just seems so okay. I mean he greeted me like I was an old classmate that he ran into at the grocery."
"To be fair you did kind of greet him the same way."
I glanced back over at him, and caught him looking at me. Why was he looking at me? "He's in my seat. Do you think he's going to sit there at the meeting as well?"
"I hope not," Annie said in a scandalised tone, "It will upset the whole seating arrangement. If he sits there then I can't very well sit next to him, so then that displaces three of us."
Tonks shrugged, "Just two, I'm alright sitting by the bloke."
Annie shot her girlfriend a dirty look but I just laughed. I knew Tonks could make friends with practically anyone, and would usually try to, but I wasn't sure Remus would deserve her efforts.
A few minutes later, Moody had called our attention and we were heading single-filed down the narrow hallway towards the apparition point. I tried not to laugh at the giant pout on Sirius's face as we left.
"Are you sure you should be going on this mission?" A deep, familiar voice whispered close to my ear. His breath stung like acid on my skin.
I spun around, walking backwards now. Remus had some how managed to end up right behind me in the line out. "Why shouldn't I be on this mission?"
"Well we are flying back with Harry and as I recall you aren't the best flyer."
A mixture of anger and pain was rising up through me, I spun back around. "I've improved quite a bit since we last spoke."
There was silence for a few glorious moments before he spoke again. "I like your haircut."
"It's actually longer than it's been in a while. But you wouldn't know that, would you?" I spat. I had chopped it right after the break-up and my brown locks were just again reaching my shoulders.
By Merlin's grace I was the next out the door and was able to apparate to Little Whinging before Remus could reply.
I joined Moody, Tonks, Annie, and Kingsley in the backyard of Harry's Aunt and Uncle's home. It wasn't long before the rest of the group had arrived.
"All right, in and out as quick as we can, don't say or do anything stupid. Lupin's leading." Moody grumbled.
Almost immediately after Moody had stopped speaking, Lupin had unlocked the back door and we were making our way into the dark house.
"I was expecting it to look more like your house Smudge."
"Not all Muggle houses look the same." I said in slight disbelief.
"My dad's a Muggle, he is not this clean. Probably where I get it from." Tonks added as we moved towards the stairs.
"Ow," I cried out as I stubbed my toe on what appeared to be an umbrella stand. I noticed Remus stop and spin around to look at me, allowing Mad-Eye to take the lead.
"Why are we walking around in the dark?" Tonks asked before casting "Lumos."
I heard another lock click and then Mad-Eye mumble "Lower your wand, boy, before you take someone's eye out."
A few seconds later a very apprehensive looking Harry Potter was standing at the top of the staircase, looking down at us.
"It's alright Harry, we've come to take you away." Remus said, his voice soft and compassionate.
Tonks was absolutely giddy, "Ooooh, he looks just like I thought he would! Wotcher, Harry!"
"I see what you mean, Remus." Kingsley said, his deep voice filling the quiet house, "He looks just like James."
"Except the eyes, he's got Lily's eyes." Doge added.
Mad-Eye clasped a hand on Harry's shoulder, "You sure this is him, Lupin? It'd be a nice lookout if we bring back some DeathEater impersonating him. We ought to ask him something only the real Potter would know. Unless anyone brought any Veritaserum?"
Remus sighed, "Harry, what form does your Patronus take?"
"A stag." Harry answered automatically.
It wasn't a very good security question in my opinion, after all someone's Patronus form could change. Mine had.
I decided it was best to be on the safe side and ask another question. "Harry, who gave you your first fire whiskey?"
He seemed surprised to see me, like he hadn't noticed I was there before I had spoken. "Ah, Oliver Wood. My third year after we had won a Quidditch match."
"It's him." Remus and I said at the same time.
Harry made his way down towards us, Mad-Eye yelling at him for putting his wand in his back pocket. He greeted Remus, and Tonks bragged about the ruse she had set-up to make sure the Dursley's weren't home when we arrived.
"This is Alastor Moody, Harry." Remus said, once the conversation had died down a bit.
"Ya, I know." Harry looked rather uncomfortable.
Remus continued, unvexed "And this is Nymphadora-"
"Don't call me Nymphadora!" Tonk's hair turned bright red for a moment before shifting back to purple. "It's Tonks."
He sighed again, "Nymphadora Tonks, who prefers to be known by her surname only. You know Vivian and Annie. Then we have Kingsley Shacklebolt, Elphias Doge, Dedalus Diggle, Emmeline Vance, Sturgis Podmore, and Hestia Jones."
Everyone waved with excitement at meeting the famed Harry Potter for the first time.
"A surprising number of people volunteered to come and get you," Remus smiled.
"Yeah, well, the more the better," Mad-Eye said darkly. "We're your guard, Potter."
"We're just waiting for the signal to tell us it's safe to set off and we'll be on our way back to Headquarters."
"Headquarters?" Harry asked. But his question went unanswered, all of us knowing better than to even mention the name 'Order of the Phoenix' or face Mad-Eye's wrath.
While we were waiting for the signal we realized that Harry didn't have any of his bags ready. So Tonks and I headed upstairs with Harry to help him get packed.
"A bit too clean these Muggles." Tonks shuddered, "It's a bit freaky."
Harry's room however was in stark contrast to the rest of the house. It looked like he hadn't bothered to pick up a single thing since the start of summer. "Ah that's better."
But she stopped once in the room, examining her reflection in Harry's wardrobe. "I don't really think purple's my color." She shifted it to a bright bubblegum pink, causing Harry to gasp.
"How'd you do that?" He asked, apparently not noticing when her hair had changed color earlier when she had been referred to by her first name.
"She's a Metamorphmagus." I informed him, "Means she can change her appearance on will."
"Born this way, got top marks in concealment and disguise during Auror training." She smiled proudly.
"You're an Auror?"
"Yup, so's Kingsley, Annie, and Mad-Eye of course. Viv's joining us next year now that she's back."
"Back? Back from where, Vivian?"
I almost dropped the books I was levitating into Harry's suitcase, had Sirius not told him?
"I was traveling. I came back..." I trailed off, my heart sore at the thought of the recent loss. "I came back after I heard what happened at the last Triwizard task."
The boy seemed upset for a moment but was able to shake it off, "How are you and Professor Lupin doing?"
I sighed, did these men not tell Harry anything? "We actually aren't together anymore."
"Oh, I'm sorry." He seemed uncomfortable again.
"No worries." I turned away, letting Tonks finish on Harry's suitcase. "Is Hedwig out?" I asked, not waiting for a response before casting a cleaning charm on her cage.
"You've got a Firebolt!?!" Tonks had gotten a peek inside of Harry's open wardrobe and burst out in excitement. "I'm still riding a Comet Two Sixty!"
"Oh, uh yeah. It's really great!"
"Harry's the Gryffindor seeker, best one we've had in decades I'd reckon."
The three of us discussed Quidditch until we finished packing Harry and headed back downstairs.
Not much later we were all outside on the front lawn. Harry with his Firebolt, Tonks with her Comet Two Sixty, and the rest of us with a various array of brooms in different conditions.
"We're going to be flying in close formation. Tonks'll be right in front of you, keep close on her tail. Lupin'll be covering you from below. I'm going to be behind you. The rest'll be circling us. We don't break ranks for anything, got me? If one of us is killed-'' Mad-Eye barked at Harry. "The others keep flying, don't stop, don't break ranks. If they take out all of us and you survive, Harry, the rear guard are standing by to take over; keep flying east and they'll join you."
"Don't worry Harry, no one's going to die." I whispered to him as Remus called out for us to take off.
I pulled my hair back into a ponytail as quickly as I could before mounting my broom and pushing off into the air.