Chapter Text
No matter how many times he reads it, he always forgets how it ends.
May, 2004
The waiting room is cold. The kind that makes the tips of your fingers and toes numb if you sit still for too long. It’s a cramped space, the clinic is small. It’s the shady type of clinic that you tend to avoid at all costs. Kageyama doesn’t know why he’s even here.
“Kageyama-san?”
He nearly drops the coat on his lap as he scrambles to stand. He doesn’t know why he’s so damn nervous, this wasn’t his idea anyway. The woman standing at the door is small and blonde, dressed in plain blue scrubs, a sort of perpetual look of sympathy as she scans the waiting room. When she notices Kageyama, her eyes seem to soften further.
Kageyama hates that look.
“We’re ready for you.”
This was a bad idea. This was a bad, horrible idea and Kageyama wants to turn around and run from this place. He could walk out right now, and let the warmth of spring chase the numbness from his fingers. He could go home, and see the extra hook when he hangs his keys at the entrance, the extra mug with a dried ring of hot chocolate still in it. Socks lost between the couch cushions, pencils on the floor, a stray tube of acrylic under the furniture, the birdhouse hung on his bedroom window. The room he hasn’t opened in nearly two years. He could let things stay the way they are.
But he couldn’t forget.
He steps forward.
February 14th, 2005
When Kageyama’s eyes open, the winter sky is a placid grey beyond the open white blinds of his apartment window, like cement perfectly spread to cover the earth. A birdhouse sways sadly beside the blinds, blue and orange gems hanging from its cracked body. He should really get rid of it, but he always forgets that it's there, like an elusive dream that slips away moments before you realize you’re awake. He’d never had a headache quite like this one. It's winter, but all he smells is vanilla drops on tangerines and all he sees is different shades of orange dance across his unfocused vision. He's been laying here for too long already, he's going to be late to work.
His reflection in the bathroom mirror takes him a second to recognize, long enough for him to freeze in confusion. His eyes are still the same dull sapphire, his hair equally dark fallen over his eyes. When was the last time he’d cut it? Everything was exactly as he remembered it, but there’s still that foreign weight heavy in the back of his mind. He feels like his body doesn’t belong to him, like an anomaly to his own existence.
Halfway to the train station, the stiffness of his fingers reminds him of the gloves he’d left on the entryway table on his way out. As he makes up his mind to go back for them, the train station drifts into his periphery, and he decides the long walk back to his apartment isn’t worth it. He stands at the edge of the platform surrounded by people dressed in browns, blacks and grays, their hands filled with arrays of pink, red and white. Little paper bags of handmade chocolates tied with neat bows of ribbon, teddy bears, flowers, and other mundane gifts for a holiday he doesn’t participate in enough to remember.
“Your face is gonna get stuck if you keep scowling like that, you know?”
A small box in thin red wrapping paper pokes Kageyama’s cheek when he turns around, and he thinks he imagines the instant where a flash of deep orange colors his vision in the cloudy gray morning.
“Sugawara-san.”
Koshi Sugawara tilts his head with a smile peeking out from his cashmere scarf, a cerulean turtleneck under his cream colored coat. The tip of his nose is bright red, a stark contrast to the rest of his pale face. Kageyama has seen it somewhere before. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”
“You really didn’t have to.” Kageyama says as he takes the box of chocolates, embarrassed. “I don’t have anything to give you in return.”
Koshi waves his hand, “That’s what White Day is for. Besides, I can’t let you be all sad and lonely on this happy day, can I? Aren’t you a little too comfortable?”
“I’m not sad. And I like being alone.”
“Could’ve fooled me.” Sugawara laughs, it seemed that he was hiding something behind that perpetual smile. “You should come to the school with me, being around the kiddos will be good for you.”
“You ask me every time we meet.”
“You never say no.”
Kageyama looks down at the tracks, finding a sudden interest in the iron rails. “Kids aren’t my thing.”
“Kids are everybody’s thing.”
“They’re your thing. Certainly.” Kageyama comments, not mentioning the babysitting he picks up as a side job every summer of the elementary school year.
“You should try being in a happy relationship sometime. I hear it softens people up.”
“Isn’t that unfair coming from you?” Kageyama says, looking at him pointedly. Sugawara has been in the same relationship for a decade if not longer. God knows he met his boyfriend when they were still particles of dust in the universe, waiting to be formed. Those same particles gave him a tendency to pick up strays. Like he picked up Kageyama years ago.
“It’s exactly fair coming from me.” Sugawara pouts, and after a moment, he sighs. “Fine, how about this: make a bet with me.”
“You can just ask me, Sugawara-san. Everybody who knows you well knows not to make a bet with you.”
“That’s only you and Daichi, because you guys are no fun.”
“Your bets are outrageous, and Daichi-san agrees.”
“Bets are my love language.”
“Somehow I believe that.”
“So, bet?”
“Fine.”
“Take the train that leads to downtown, buy something you like, and come back before the next train leaves this station.”
The sound of the train coming up the tracks creeps up ahead of them just as Sugawara finishes making his bet.
“That’s impossible. Our train’s already coming.”
Koshi grins, “Isn't that the point sometimes?”
“What?”
“Choosing to lose.”
It’s only until Kageyama is standing on the slippery edge of an empty platform that he decides never to listen to Sugawara Koushi again. This is the station that leads deep into the downtown area, where the smell of street food keeps the streets warm and there's rows of stores for miles. He sends a quick voicemail to his boss letting him know he won't be in for the day and waits for the train in this quiet, peaceful area. Kageyama is about to fall deep into thought, but a cough to his right calls his attention.
He makes eye contact with deep auburn irises from across the station bench. Bright orange specks of hair peek out from under a blue beanie folded messily with a thick red stripe, a grey ball of fluff at the end. He forgets to breathe.
The train comes, a silent sliding of metal in a flurry of white noise. Kageyama slips into the train and takes a seat in the quiet emptiness. He leans his head back and inhales deeply, closing his eyes to plan out what the hell he's gonna do for the rest of the day since he skipped out on work. Again the shades of bright orange flicker behind his eyes, the smell of oranges and vanilla as two separate entities merging into one.
Before he knows it, he's swimming in shades of orange and he can smell the faintest hint of vanilla in the warm train cabin.
“Hi.”
He jerks up, startled by the closeness of the intruding voice. The guy from earlier is now seated in front of him, leaning over the seat and into his personal space, smiling as if he had not just interrupted Kageyama for the second time. He’d taken his beanie off.
“Um,” is all Kageyama can say, because his hair is so orange .
“I'm Hinata. And you are?”
“What?” Kageyama asks, and then there’s a sudden confusion, because of course Kageyama had never seen him before, and yet he had felt anger and hurt bloom in his chest when he asked for his name, as if he should have known .
“Your name, you don't know your name?”
Kageyama floods in memories.There sound of screeching seagulls, the salty smell of the sea, pure white sand. There was a kind of fondness before everything turned bitter. There was love before there was emptiness.
“I'm Kageyama.”
A gloved hand is held out, the brown wool looking soft from wear. Hinata’s smiling. It was always like this.
Always? Kageyama just met him.
“Nice to meet you, Kageyama!”
The rest of the ride is spent talking about trivial things: Hinata’s favorite color is blue, he likes his ramen when the noodles are still a little stiff, he's most ticklish from his feet and sides, he likes to laugh. He was the same as he was before Kageyama met him, everything in between was null, void, gone like a wisp of smoke from a firecracker. He couldn’t place what it was that made him so familiar.
They end up going downtown together. Kageyama feels like he doesn't learn anything new about Hinata. He likes to peel his oranges halfway and squeeze the skin to watch the spurts of white mist burst forth from its pores. He likes more ice in his cup than actual drink, and chews his straw until it's completely mangled. Trivial things from a person he’d never met before, but when Hinata mentions them he’s never surprised.
As they sit across from each other at a café, arms pressed against the glass of a window pane with warm paper cups of coffee tucked in their hands, Hinata comments on how natural it feels to be his friend. Kageyama wonders why he can't seem to bring up the fact that he feels as though they’ve met before, but as he makes fluttery eye contact with him he finds that being here, having Hinata in front of him like this, felt like some sort of miracle.
“Thanks for spending the day with me, I was kind of depressed about Valentine’s Day.”
“Yeah.” Kageyama says absentmindedly, looking out the window. “I guess I was too.”
“Lover’s quarrel?”
Kageyama looks at him sharply, “Huh?”
Hinata points at the box sticking out of his pocket. “You were gonna give those to someone?” He asks, his phrasing seemed weird, as if he was trying to ask something more.
“No, they were a gift from a friend.”
Hinata nods in understanding, “That’s the worst. Pity gifting.”
“Sugawara-san isn’t like that.” Kageyama says, shaking his head.
“Sugawara? Koushi Sugawara?”
Kageyama blinks, “Yeah.”
Hinata beams, “Hey, I know him! He’s a really close friend. How come we’ve never met before?”
“Maybe we have.” Kageyama says quietly, more to himself than to Hinata.
Hinata cups the back of his ear and leans forward a little, “What was that?”
“Nothing.” Kageyama says, shaking his head. He moves to stand. “I should get going.”
“Do you have anywhere to be?”
Kageyama thinks for a second. He could go home and get his gloves, but he wouldn’t have anywhere to wear them to. “Not really.”
“Then,” Hinata taps his paper cup hesitantly, “Won’t you stay for a while?”
Night falls after they spend the entire day window shopping, Kageyama ends up buying a new pair of gloves, his hands were so damn cold. They grab dinner at a small ramen shop, and ride the same train back right after. Kageyama almost feels relieved, but there's an odd pull at his core. Something that tells him that this situation is not what he really wants. Hinata is exactly the way he was before-
Before what? He can't seem to place anything. Hinata is an enigma to him, a strange distant memory he's felt before. Maybe he's gotten Hinata mixed up with someone else, or maybe he's gone mad.
He almost forgets that he had dinner planned at Daichi’s place, and curses quietly as he picks up the pace to at least make it in time to apologize. By the time he makes it to Daichi’s apartment, Koushi is mad at him for letting dinner go cold. He finds it odd that Daichi hasn’t interrogated him on why he didn't show up to work today, considering that he was his boss. Daichi was the lead detective of their division, and he’d helped Kageyama land a job in his team.
“Sorry, I ended up staying downtown all day.” Kageyama says as he peels off his jacket.
“Oh?” Sugawara hums, his interest piqued. “You should’ve started with that. I’m not upset anymore. Did you meet someone?”
“Yeah. On the train.”
“Tell me everything .”
“Not much to tell, we hung out, had dinner. He gave me his number.”
“His number!? And you say it’s not much to tell?! This is huge !”
“That’s a little insensitive.” Daichi comments as he’s picking up the plates.
“He knows what I mean.” Sugawara says, “So, what’s the lucky guy's name?”
Kageyama shrugs, excitement turning his stomach. “Hinata.”
Glass breaks. Daichi had dropped a cup. “Shit!” He curses, reaching for the towel on the counter. “Shit, shit, shit.”
Kageyama had the mind to help him pick up the broken glass, but the horror written in Sugawara’s face stopped him dead in his tracks.
“Of all people..” Sugawara says, his mouth still hanging open.
“He did mention that he knew you. What? Is something wrong?”
Sugawara and Daichi exchange a look of worry. But there was a hint of suspicion in Daichi’s expression.
“Promise you won’t get mad.” Sugawara says, looking back at him.
Kageyama purses his lips, “Tell me what’s going on.”
Daichi sighs as he dumps the glass in the trash. “Now you’ve done it, Koushi. It wasn't your place.”
“They can fix it!” Sugawara shouts, glaring at Daichi with tears prickling the corners of his eyes. “I knew they’d be stubborn enough to do it, it’s my fault for not stopping them before it happened!”
“Before what happened?!” Kageyama interrupts, exasperated.
Koushi stumbles to the drawers in the kitchen, pulling out an opened envelope. He holds it out to Kageyama.
“Just know, you’ve seen this letter before.”
[ Dear Mr. Sawamura and Mr. Sugawara, this message is mailed to inform you that HINATA SHOYOU has undergone a procedure to wipe all memories of KAGEYAMA TOBIO. It is in their best interest to avoid contact or mention of their past relationship. ]
Kageyama almost drops it, his vision goes blurry, he can’t breathe.