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Dokja is wondering why, why this all happened. They weren’t like this before, they were happy but why did this suddenly happen? Why did Joonghyuk start hitting him everytime he said or did something he’s opposed to? Usually, joonghyuk would just talk to him politely and gently but one day, he woke up and everything turned upside down.
“Hyuk-ah! I made you your favourite dumplings!” Dokja yelled, trying to sound cheerful and hoping that everything would go back to normal.
Yoo Joonghyuk approached him, he doesn’t look mad so Dokja had his hopes up and lowered his guard but it all faded when Yoo Joonghyuk took the plate of dumplings from dokja and threw it near the shorter guy. He flinched, feeling afraid of his boyfriend’s behaviour. His heart is racing, tears attempting to fall
“Hyuk-ah…” Dokja whispered. He’s shaking, he’s trying so hard not to stammer because he’s afraid that his lover will hit him again. He doesn’t want to disappoint Yoo Joonghyuk again
Before, Dokja always felt so ugly, so insecure, so worthless, he felt that he’s not someone deserving to be loved but then he met Yoo Joonghyuk, the most loveable man he’s ever met. This man made Dokja feel like he’s the prettiest man in the world, although sometimes he still feels insecure, Yoo Joonghyuk always make sure that Dokja feels pretty, he makes sure that Dokja is loved and is happy and he always has been successful but now that Yoo Joonghyuk changed, Dokja thought that it’s his fault. Everything is his fault. Yoo Joonghyuk changed because he’s not a good boyfriend, he’s not loving enough. Everything that is happening now is because of him.
“i-I’m sorry hyuk-ah… I-I’ll do better I promise…” he apologized, tears forming in his eyes. He tried so hard not to cry but somehow failed when Joonghyuk raised his hand, attempting to hit him
Joonghyuk sighed and left him crying. Dokja’s weak suddenly felt weak, he only had the counter to support him stand, without it, he might be already on his knees while bawling his eyes out which is a much more embarrassing sight for his boyfriend to see
‘He’s more disappointed in me now…’ Dokja thought and sobbed harder. ‘I can’t face him again. I’m such a disappointment’
This time, Kim Dokja went to bed without saying anything to Yoo Joonghyuk. Normally, he would utter his sweetest “goodnight” and give him a kiss, but this time, because of embarrassment, he went to bed completely ignoring the guy. He doesn’t want to but he’s too ashamed to face him.
***
“Honey, wake up. It’s time for breakfast” a man said, it was the sweetest tone he heard in his entire life. Dokja slowly opened his eyes and he saw his boyfriend smiling widely at him.
“An angel…”
Yoo Joonghyuk was taken aback. Dokja was to. “I’m sorry, it’s a slip of the mouth” Dokja apologized and he avoided Joonghyuk’s gaze which made the taller chuckle
Joonghyuk cupped Dokja’s face and gave him a peck “You’re so beautiful my love” he said, he looks so inlove with him. “I love you so much sunshine”
“A-are you not mad at me anymore” Dokja asked, his face is still cupped “I’m sorry for being worthless Hyuk-ah, I’ll change I swear!”
“what are you talking about? I’m not mad at you” He kissed Dokja on the temple of his head “Please don’t think that you’re not worthy of my love Dokja-ya. I adore you more than you think, it hurts me when you’re thinking like this”
Dokja was shocked. He felt so happy knowing that the Joonghyuk he loved is back. He loves him again. He didn’t try to stop his tears from falling. He was so overwhelmed. He’s filled with joy to even care
Yoo Joonghyuk wiped his tears away and pulled him in for a tight hug “I love you so much Kim Dokja, nothing will ever change the fact that I love you” he whispered. Dokja felt so comfortable, he slowly closed his eyes feelin warm because of Joonghyuk’s arms.
Dokja once again wakes up, but this time, it’s in a cold room and empty bed. Yoo Joonghyuk is nowhere to be found. He is about to leave bed and search for his lover but he received a text from him saying “I’m out. Eat by yourself and don’t call me”.
“Ah… so that sweet Yoo Joonghyuk must be a dream.” Dokja said. A hint of sadness in his tone can be heard “What do you expect Kim Dokja? You know he’ll never give a shit about you again” he smiled bitterly “I’m so pathetic” he added and covered his face because he felt his tears falling.
Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t come home. He waited for him but there isn’t a sign of his lover. He gave up and went to bed, hoping he’d dream of his boyfriend again.
Once he opened his eyes, he saw his boyfriend looking at him adoringly. “Good morning love. How’s your sleep?” Joonghyuk leaned in for a kiss
Dokja smiled at him “It’s great Hyuk-ah” he answered. Joonghyuk helped him up and guided him to the kitchen “I cooked our breakfast. Dig in Dokja-ya” The Yoo Joonghyuk in his dreams said
Dokja sat down and stared at the foods. Everything looks so delicious, it looks so well made. It is as if the foods are made by a professional chef
“Stop staring and start eating. You’re so thin hon” YJH who’s sitting infront of him said. He sliced the egg, placed it on top of the rice and tried to feed KDJ “I’ll feed you so open your mouth” KDJ did what he’s told and YJH fed him gently. To YJH, KDJ is like a glass. Very fragile and he’s afraid of breaking it that’s why he’s been very gentle towards the guy.
---
This happened a lot more times. Kim Dokja always dreamt of his boyfriend being loving and sweet. It became his coping mechanism. He can’t be this happy in real life so he tries to live his life fully in the dreams.
The YJH in real life and the YJH in the dream are the same person but is very different to each other. One treats him like trash while the other treats him like the king. If he were to choose, he would definitely pick the one in his dreams.
As days goes by, he felt his boyfriend feel more distant. He’d go home with hickeys or kiss marks at night, sometimes, he won’t even come home. His heart is very weak, he might be having a breakdown if he doesn’t have the YJH in his dreams. He would think of ways to unalive himself by now or worse, he’d be dead now if the YJH in his dreams never existed.
***
“Yoo Joonghyuk…” Dokja called
“Yes love?”
“Don’t ever leave me please. I don’t know what to do without you” he said “I don’t wanna live this dream” he whispered to himself
“I won’t. Why would you even think of such things?”
“I want to stay with you forever”
“Then do. Stay with me because I’m willing to be by your side until my death, Dokja”
***
Tonight is not like any other night. Tonight, Yoo Joonghyuk’s sleeping beside him. Tonight, the bed feels warm because his lover’s by his side again. No hickeys and kiss marks in his body.
Kim Dokja stared at his lover’s sleeping figure with adoration. He started playing with his hair down to his long lashes. It’s a surprise that his lover is still not awake.
“You don’t know how much I love you Hyuk-ah… but I’m tired. I wanna stay with you forever but I know you won’t let me. What I’m gonna do is selfish but this time, I wanna prioritize myself. Just for once Hyuk-ah, will you let me? He whispered, not wanting to wake his boyfriend. “ I love you so so much. I hope you won’t forget me my love. Please live happily without me” he uttered with a sad smile forming in his lips. Then he kissed his lover in the forehead, down to his eyes, nose and lastly, the lips.
He took the pills hidden in the drawer then drank them all at once. He looked at Yoo Joonghyuk again “This time Hyuk-ah… I wanna live happily with you, even if it’s just in my dreams. I love you forever…. Farewell… my love…”