Archive of Our Own ^beta

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John was out on a walk one brisk midnight dreary after sending Jackie to pound town. He felt unfulfilled. This time it was not his balls that was empty, but it was his heart. He married Jackie just 2 years prior and felt no love towards her. He thought she was hot, but that was it. The spark had passed and he felt all he had ever known women for was sex. John would then see a lone UPS van in the road. He noticed a real sexy cowboy manning the vehicle. He began to feel conflicted, he didn’t understand the feelings he had in his pants when he saw the lost cowboy. He was so preoccupied with his own feelings he didn’t even notice the sky and the air around him began to turn a romantic shade of red known only to bring aggressive ball to ball clapping homosexual sex. “Howdy pardner” he said seductively while licking his lips. “Uh um, hi” John struggled to utter. “I don’t mean to bother ya but do ya mind showing me hwere ah am on this map, as you can see, I’m a bit lost” the mysterious cowboy said in his magnificent Texan accent. “Oh um wha-why yes I believe you are lost, you said you needed to be up in DC but you’re all the way down here in McLean, Virginia. What are you doing over here, Texan? Must be an awfully important reason”. “Why hyes it is, I’m off to go deliver a package to ol’ Eisinhowa” He said while staring at John with his eyes full of lust. “I’ve got a mighty large package here to deliver…and I believe I’ve also got one just for you here” He said moving Kennedy’s hand over to his crotch so he feel that we was indeed packing. “Woah woah woah, we only just met” Kennedy said shoving the cowboy aside, “This isn’t right, homosexuality is a sin and and-”. “And you know it’ll feel alright sugah, the name’s Lyndon by the hway…but you can call me Baines Mr. uh-” “John…m-my name’s John”. “Hwell it’s a pleasure to meet you John, now how about we get back to the deed”. “I-I don’t know, this doesn't feel right” “It’ll feel alhright in just a moment if you let me show you a real cowboy hoedown” Baines said while pulling Kennedy in for the most sensual kiss either has ever felt that it was surely enough for them to feel like they were on the edge of jizzing right through their jeans. They jumped into Baines’ truck and got real freaky real quick. They were so into each other they had no time for condoms. Kennedy’s mouth was used for all it was worth and LBJ would quickly send him into an erotic high with his first anal experience. Kennedy had never known the otherworldly pleasure’s of cowboy cock penetrating his rectum and hitting the g-spot, providing the pleasure no woman could ever give him. Kennedy knew from this point on he didn’t love any woman. He could only love a man for they touched him like no other had done before. He was treated like Baines’ spittoon whore all night, every inch of his body was covered in his white moonshine, and he made noises he didn’t even know he could make, he sounded like the donkeys back on Baines’ ranch. “Oh Baines, where did you ever learn to make me feel like that” said Kennedy not knowing it was already 7:30am and his neighbors would soon notice the street partially flooded in semen. “Hwell ya see Mr. John back in Texas hwe hwould go on long cattle drives n’ out dere you come to appreciate da hwarmth n’ comfort of another man” Baines began to explain as Kennedy snuggled up against him still soaking in spunk. They then went for another round, or two, or 53. They went on for what became to be known as “The Great Fuck of the 20^th century”. Or in colloquial terms, Cumgate. 72 uninterrupted of pure lust fueled hardcore gay sex. They finally finish because they simply could not go any longer in their mortal forms and pass out. They had used up and expelled onto one another so much energy they had gone into a deep sleep in the splooge riddled UPS van. “I’ve never felt so good before in my life” Kennedy said looking up at LBJ, who was smoking a fat cigar, “Thank you, Baines. W-would you like to go out for coffee soon?”. “Hwell you mistuh Kennedy have the tightest bussy I’ve had the pleasure uhv exploring. I’d be delighted to go out for uh coffee wit ya”. They had a date.

Chapter Text

An hour had passed and after much clean up and the scapegoating of a traumatized teen couple, John and Baines were ready to go out on their first date. Kennedy as always was very nervous. Still conflicted about the way he felt about homosexuality after clearing his head. He had already gone too far with this and decided it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea to experiment a little. He didn’t know whether or not to reach for Baines’ hand on the way to the coffee shop. Baines raised a thick eyebrow at Kennedy.

“Got somethin’ you wanna say, pardner?” He asked. “Yer uh hand’s twitchin’ a bit, there.”

Kennedy’s face dropped, flushing. “Really?” He brought his hand up to his face, scrutinizing. That’s embarrassing. And he noticed! Goodness, maybe this whole ordeal was doomed from the start. 

Baines chuckled and Kennedy’s attention was immediately torn from his rapidly spiraling inner monologue, enraptured by the sound. “If ya wanted tah hold mah hand, ya coulda just said so.”

“Wh– I– that–” Kennedy’s denials dropped ungracefully through his lips as Baines took his hand, entwining their fingers. 

“This good?”

Kennedy stopped sputtering, a pause settling over the duo. “...Yeah,” he eventually mumbled.

“Good. I hwant ya tah feel good.”

Kennedy didn’t respond, mind short-circuiting. It was far too intimate of a statement from a man he had only just recently met.  “Ah, look, we’re here,” Baines said, gesturing. 

The shop in front of them was quaint, all pastels and rounded edges. But Kennedy wasn’t focusing at all on the cute decorations. No, all he could focus on was the weight of Baines’ hand in his. Is it getting sweaty? Is he sweaty right now? But Baines wasn’t letting go. So he must like it too, right?

“Oh, my God, Lyndon? Is that you?” The girl at the counter had already bursted out with this question before the bell on the door was even done jingling. The ding-a-ling accentuates Kennedy’s quick retreat of his palm against “Lyndon”’s. Baines didn’t give a reaction, just smiled at the woman at the counter.

“Lady Bird. Great to see ya. I didn’t know ya hworked here.” Baines leaned an arm against the counter, smiling charmingly. Kennedy and Lady Bird blushed in tandem at the display, though Kennedy was tinged with a bit of envy. He stood awkwardly just behind Baines.

“Ah, who’s your friend, Don?” Kennedy made a face at the nickname. Don, short for Lyndon. He viciously called it stupid in his mind, and then immediately sent a prayer up to God for having such a spiteful thought. 

“This here is John. He’s gonna have a coffee, black.” Kennedy wondered how Baines knew that he took his coffee black. The man in question sent him a discreet little wink as Lady Bird turned her attention to the register. “And you know how I like it.”

Lady Bird smiled as a suddenly red Kennedy caught the double-meaning, “Iced coffee and black coffee, coming right up.”

The duo took a seat outside when their coffees were finished, under a picturesque awning in the shade. Kennedy found out that Baines and Lady Bird were actually married. It was a revelation that shouldn’t have stung as much as it did. He, himself, was a married man, no matter how unhappy. But Baines reached under the table and held his hand as they sipped their coffees, and Kennedy figured that maybe, it didn’t matter that they were two married men. Maybe they could be happy despite it. 

Kennedy couldn’t remember the last time he had a conversation with someone so charismatic and intelligent, meeting him word for word. Baines was the picture of southern hospitality, while also being thoughtful and alluring. Kennedy couldn’t remember anything but there and then, couldn’t remember anything but the upturn of thin lips and a barking laugh. It was easy to lose himself in it. A nice cup of coffee and a charming man. 

Across the street, a woman shrieks, “God– John Fitzgerald Kennedy! I thought I told you to never step foot in that woman’s establishment!” 

Oh, God help me now. 

Baines startles slightly, hand slipping from Kennedy’s. He laments it, but it was necessary.

“Jackie, I don’t know how to keep track of every establishment I’m not meant to step foot into,” he sighed, immediately tired. Heels clacked loudly against the pavement as the woman made her way from her own coffee shop, approaching the couple. 

“Lady Bird and I are year long rivals! I talk about her all of the time!” She fumed. Even in anger she was beautiful. Not that Kennedy appreciated it, but he was sure somebody somewhere did. “How could you forget about that?”’

Kennedy couldn’t very well say that he didn’t listen when she spoke, but he still managed to reply, “Ah, yeah, it’s almost like you’re in love with her.”
Mrs. Kennedy flared red. “That’s– no, what are you talking about–”

“Jacqueline, right?” Baines interjected. “Pleasure tah meet ya. Yer husband here is just spectacular company. Sorry, I chose the location without even divulgin’ a name.”

Jackie appraised him, scrutinizing, fluster quickly forgotten. But then she smiled, cheeks appropriately rosy. “It’s a pleasure to meet you too, sir.” She turned sharply to Kennedy. “Be home at 6. We’ll… talk then.” 

“See ya later, ma’am,” Baines bid her goodbye. She casts a lingering glance at the pastel cafe, but eventually clacks her way back across the street to her own shop, where a crowd of confused customers have gathered. 

“Maybe it’s time I get going…” Kennedy said, looking at his hours-empty coffee. 

Baines nodded, standing up and throwing his and Kennedy’s cups away. “Hwell. Until next time, pardner.” Then a gust of dust came out of nowhere and when it cleared, Baines was gone. 

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It’s been 4 years since our pair of love hawks met and first developed their love. Now they’re making the big jump together towards the presidency. The height of election season, 1959 really was a tense year. “You should vote for me because I am the straightest man alive. You can take that to the bank because I, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, had sex with Marilyn Monroe. And she came! Do you as a people really want a bi-The Bitchless Dick in the Normal Colored House? I will make the House, White because of the amount of times I will be cumming all over the place with the bitches that I pull. Ignore my wife, she’s a bitch. God Bless America and may God please grant Nixon an ounce of pussy, he needs it.” Kennedy was met with thunderous applause and it seemed he would win the election in a landslide. “That hwas a mighty fine speech Mr. Kennedy” said Baines smoking a fat cigar, it wasn’t nearly as fat as his 8inx4in “Jumbo” cock Kennedy thought you himself before responding, “How many times do I have to tell you Baines, you can call me John”. “Right…hwell um that was a swell speech you made there and I do so believe we are going to win this election”. “I wouldn’t be so cocky just yet honey, we’ve got just a couple months to go until the election”

“It’s an honor to meet you Mr. President, I served under MacArthur but I remember hearing the news of you beating the Krauts back into Germany like it was yesterday-oh…hello Dick” Kennedy said. “Yes yes, it’s always a pleasure meeting fellow veterans, I loved all your speeches, and I’m sure you’ll be a great president. C’mon don’t be a dick and say hi”. Eisenhower said. “Kennedy” Nixon reluctantly uttered. “You little shit! I said say hi!” Eisenhower snapped. “UH-H-hello Mr. Kennedy” Nixon said fearing for his life. “Dear fucking God, Eisenhowa’s insane” Baines thought to himself. “God that’s so fucking hot” Kennedy thought. The night before his inauguration Kennedy just had to experience Eisenhower’s ruthlessness. He got himself into the Normal Colored House and planned to start making it white. “Mr. President, if you don’t mind, I would like to be on top instead. Because upon further inspection, you are a very ugly man. Also turn around, I don’t wanna see your face” Kennedy said. “This son of a bitch, that’s it I’m letting him go raw” Eisenhower thought to himself. They would go at it all night and Kennedy would not be pleased at all. He just couldn’t cum even if he wanted to because Eisenhower was so ugly. Eisenhower on the other hand had the greatest night of his life nearly having a heart attack because of how long his cock was hard. Also he had AIDS. Just in the other room furiously jerking off was Richard Nixon. Nixon was world’s most closeted gay by being the world’s most deeply homophobic man. In California he was successfully able to have hate sex with every male in San Francisco, in the Second Great Fuck that almost everybody ignores due to his lackluster performance. Pissed off that the man he loved was getting fucked by his greatest political rival he went to Jackie Kennedy immediately to tell her JFK was gay. “Uh hello Jackie, I have uh come here to uh tell you that your uh husband is a uh faggot. Sorry for uh your loss Mrs. Kennedy” Nixon maliciously told Jackie. “I FUCKING KNEW IT” belched the wench.

“Bainsey!” Kennedy cried out. “Now hwat’s the problem, suga? You’re almost President nowah, there’s no reason for you tuh be so scared” replied Baines concerned for Kennedy. “I’m so sorry Bainsey, I’m so sorry” “Hwell I don’t what you’re sorry about but if you repentin’ this badly then I oughta let ya off da hook” “really?” “hwy yes, really”. In light of Baines’ incredible show of kindness towards him, Kennedy went in to kiss him. They had been together again for a year in DC but they had never been able to get this close to each other since that fateful night they met. Kennedy wanted to show Baines that he loved him so he unzipped his pants for “Jumbo” to pop of with such force that it most certainly broke the sound barrier. The sheer force of his massive 32x32in cock popping out of his was enough to send Kennedy onto his knees in a desperate attempt to maintain balance and not fly 20ft away. Coincidentally he fell with his mouth open and landed on Baines’ massive fucking cock. Kennedy’s warm and moist mouth encapsulating his cock was enough for Baines to instantly unload 4 years worth of cum into Kennedy’s mouth. There was so much cum that it turned Kennedy into a hose with cum pouring out of every hole in his body turning the Normal Colored House’s lawn white. He missed. Kennedy thought it was enough sex for one day so he went back to his hotel where his bitch of a wife was at.

“KENNEDY YOU FUCKING QUEER” Jackie screeched at the gay man. “Now listen here whore, I don’t know what you’re talking about but stay out of my sex life” Kennedy refuted “Also Dick, get out of my closet, I know you’re not here to fuck my wife, you have the pull of a fruit fly”. “Fuck you Kennedy, I am here to expose you and your homosexual uh ways to your uh bitch of wife” Nixon replied. “I hate the both of you” the whore interrupted. “Shut up bitch” both Kennedy and Nixon said. “You’re seriously going to turn me into a misogynist, Jackie” Kennedy stated. “I wouldn’t be acting this way if it weren’t for you being such a homo whore” “It’s my God given right to be a homo whore, femoid” Jackie and Kennedy argued like this for a solid 4 hours until it was time for the inauguration. “Uh, well I uh should uh leave” Nixon said while creeping towards the door to flee. “Fuck you, Dick”

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Another game of tennis, just like they used to play before life got complicated. Kennedy stands across from LBJ and serves, the ball bounces rhythmically back and forth between their racquets. Quickly it gets more competitive passion for the game and for each other obvious. soon LBJ drops to the ground. Kennedy immediately rushes to his side. Recently LBJ has lost weight, Kennedy hasn't thought too much of it until now. He's gotten weaker, much weaker. He carries him up to bed, tucks him in and gets him water. Kennedy tells himself he just needs to rest, he will be better by morning. "Come get into bed" JFK climbed into bed and put his arms around LBJ and they fall asleep. In the middle of the night JFK wakes up. LBJ is shaking in his arms in a cold sweat, he just holds on tighter. When he wakes up the sheets are damp from the sweat. Quickly LBJ's health has gotten much worse. "I'm worried about you babe" LBJ takes ahold of John's hand and squeezes it weakly, "I'm going to be fine, you have other things to worry about." John squeezes his hand back, it's colder than it should be, "I'm not leaving your side."

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“Boy it sure is hot here in Dallas, a lot drier than the Pacific” Kennedy complained to Baines. “It’s not that bad” Baines replied, “You get used to it after a hwhile”. “I’m not gonna be here for a while, we come for the campaign and we’re off, this pregnancy is taking a toll on me”. “Hwell it would be rather nice to settle down over here after our administration.” “Maybe, I’ll think about it in the car with my bitch of a wife” “Hwell you stay sane out there sugar” “I’ll try my best Bainsey”. 2 hours later and we all know what happened that fateful day in Dallas, Texas. The FBI building blew up and a piece of debris landed on Kennedy’s car killing him and his unborn child instantly. Baines just couldn't cope with the loss and started the Vietnam War. The end, goodbye, also and then he woke up.