Chapter Text
PROLOGUE: HOAX.
“Stood on the cliffside screaming, "Give me a reason"
03:30:45
Five minutes before Felix decided to die.
Less than nothing.
Felix thinks about the word again and again while darkness consumes him. Lying inside a bathtub, wide eyes looking for something that makes him stay, but there’s nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing, it's a strange feeling, mind blank, body feeling numb, heart beating as slowly as a sad song. And yet, he feels everything at the same time, chest hurting with every single breath that he takes, anger trapped in his throat and eyes spilling an entire ocean of something that tastes like acid on his mouth.
He’s not sure how or when it happened. Feeling happy while laughing at some random video that Chan sent to their group chat, a warm feeling embracing him as Minho let him try some of his food… and then there’s a broken possession on the floor, angry eyes looking at his direction and harsh words thrown at him.
“I told you to be careful,” Jisung nearly screamed. “God Felix, how can you be so stupid?”
“I’m sorry.” Felix wants to cry, bending himself to pick up the broken pieces of the glass figure, “I will compensate you, I promise”.
“Stop it, you’re so dumb” Jisung pushes him away from the mess on the floor, “if you touch it you will make a mess, I’ll clean it myself”.
When he turns around he finds Hyunjin and Seungmin looking at them and Felix feels even more embarrassed knowing that it was a present that Hyunjin bought for Jisung just two days ago. He apologizes quickly before running away from the scene and under his covers where he finally starts to sob, wanting nothing more than to go back in time and stop himself from touching what’s not his even when Jisung gave him permission to do so. He should’ve known better than to trust himself with something so fragile. What was he going to do now? Jisung hated him so much, probably Hyunjin too since he spent so much time and money on Jisung’s gift.
how can you be so stupid?
Jisung's words repeat again and again until he starts to believe them.
Eventually he stops crying but the feeling remains in his chest, then there’s fury towards himself for being stupid and he can stop himself from scratching his arms as a punishment until there’s blood on his nails and then… nothing. The scary feeling of nothing inside his body.
He doesn’t know why there’s this strange desire that makes his fingers itch. Wants to find the nearest way to escape from his own body, soul asking to be free. Wanting to become nothing… Was that possible?; hands already looking for something when the door of the room opens and Felix finds himself under the hawk eyes of Jeongin until he finds the answer for an unspoken question and then again, Felix wants to cry again when Jeongin’s eyes start to redden in pity. Door closes after himself because he knows better…
“Come on Hyung” Jeongin finds bandages inside one of Felix’s drawers. “Let’s clean you up before it gets infected”.
…That wasn’t the first time it happened.
Felix knows that what happened will not become a secret in between Jeongin and him, confirms it when a tearful Jisung opens the door to his bedroom and runs to Felix bed. Hands looking for him and eyes that could make his heart hurt. Except that there’s nothing and Felix is starting to become scared of the nothing embracing him inside out.
“I’m so sorry baby, I shouldn’t have said anything, I was just so angry, but it wasn’t your fault”.
Felix knows. He’s not going to blame Jisung or think that he doesn’t love him because he knows that he really does love him just as much as Felix loves him. Knows that everyone says stupid things while angry, he himself had said things in the past that hurt others, what he can’t stop however, are the words repeating like a mantra. Not just Jisung’s ones, but other hurtful words thrown at him in the past.
Memories of past mistakes that chase after him as he smiles at Jisung.
Pitch black night where his mom will call him a disgrace, because his only son couldn’t find a decent job but instead decided to chase after a stupid dream; and it was fine by now, with the apologies, cries and stuff, but even then, Felix will feel like he wasn’t enough for his family. Looking at his sisters being what his mom wanted while he was making stupid things on television. Am I enough now? Pockets full of money and love surrounding them everywhere they went. Is it enough now mom? Will you look at your only son and say that I am enough to fill whatever success meant inside your head?
Harsh words were thrown at him because Park Jingyoung thought he wasn’t good enough to be part of this big family. Working hard but never hard enough to fulfill whatever they called an idol. Am I working hard enough to be called an idol by now? When people look at me, do they see a little kid or a fierce man who can be enough to fulfill everyone’s needs? Do you regret putting me back into this group of hardworking men?
Tears ricocheted after Changbin called him a ‘clingy annoying little thing’ in the middle of a show and tried to put it as a joke just to make him feel better. Is it bad if I ask for love? Do you guys feel the same when I try to put my arms around you? I’m just trying to remember what being loved was, but it seems I can’t find it anymore.
Thousand cuts that keep coming from the same knife, but Felix doesn’t know how to let it all go because all of them are stupid things. But why does it feel like a big deal inside his head? Falling hard in concrete with his bones crashing into million pieces, is there someone who is willing to pick up the pieces and fix him back as it was?
“It’s okay baby, I know you didn’t mean anything about that.” He says instead. Pointing at his arms where Jisung’s fingers are caressing the bandage. “This wasn’t because of you, I was just stressed”.
He knows that Jisung knows that he’s lying. But still, they find themselves acting like nothing happened. Blankets wrapped around their bodies and a movie playing in the living room’s tv.; Felix let’s himself enjoy the moment, trying to memorize Jisung features, keeping inside his chest each and every single laugh that his brothers share as a funny scene appears on tv, remembering to be grateful as all of them share a piece of their food with him, loving them as he says goodbye and let himself lay on his bed until there’s no more noise on the dorm.
Nothing.
The nothing that has him right now on this spot. Bathroom door closed, lights shut and a bathtub filled with cold water that covers his body. Embracing his neck as he tries to find the final piece to keep him alive. But nothing, not even his members out there can make him stay. Feeling tired of the voices creeping inside his head that reminds him lies that he buys just because it’s easy to tolerate.
After nothing comes tiredness. And he’s so tired right now. Eyes closing when nothing comes to mind. Body sinking just to try and stop the voices. Letting water surround him as he starts to feel something more than nothing.
He’s tired, but now he’s going to be okay.