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“We just found out yesterday,” Danny explained to Chin, having called him to pass the funeral arrangements along to the rest of the team. “Steve decided not to put it in the paper or online, so I’m making some calls for him. We’re meeting the plane that’s bringing her back here in an hour or so.”
“Someone just walked up and shot her on the street?”
“That’s what Joe told Steve yesterday.”
“Do they think it had anything to do with her giving intel on Reyes’ operation?”
“Sounds like it’s a possibility, but like everything else with Doris, there are no clear answers. I’m hoping Steve will let it go, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”
“I think you can count on seeing Big Ben and the Tower of London before long.”
“Assuming he tells me first and doesn’t just take off when I’m not looking.”
“London isn’t as dangerous as North Korea, so hopefully he’ll be more open to company.”
“I hope so.”
“We’ll be at the visitation tomorrow, and the funeral, of course. How’s Steve taking it?”
“You know Steve. But it’s his mom. That’s hard for anybody.”
“Tell him we’re all here, whatever he needs. That goes for you, too, brah. How’re you doing?”
“Better, thanks. Rib fractures take a while, so every time I think I can do something, I either breathe or turn wrong and it reminds me. I have to go back to the doctor in a couple weeks, but he didn’t sound like he was going to clear me for active duty then.”
“Don’t rush it. It’s not like we can take it easy or play it safe around here while you’re healing up.”
“Once I get cleared to at least be back in the office, I can make myself useful there. I’m not a big fan of convalescing. Even paperwork in the office is better.”
“Be careful what you wish for.”
“Since I got back, I never really had the chance to tell you...I’m sorry you got caught up in this, too. You and Steve should have never had to be involved, and I’m just glad that things worked out for you, because there wasn’t much I could do about it.”
“I went into this situation with my eyes open. What I went through was nothing compared to your ordeal.”
“I’m just glad it’s over.”
“Yeah, me, too.”
After Danny hung up, he sat there a few minutes. Your ordeal. What that what you call it? It was better than most of the other terms he could think of. Rape. Assault. Torture. Beating. Humiliation.
“Should we wake Uncle Steve?” Grace asked as she came out to the living room. She was already dressed to go the airport in the black dress Danny had suggested.
“You look nice, Gracie. I’ll go get Uncle Steve up. He’s still sleeping, huh?”
“More like snoring,” she joked. “I looked in the door and he’s spread out over your whole bed,” she said, grinning. Danny hoped he still had the sheet over him in the essential places.
“He was really tired.”
“He hasn’t been the same since he got hurt on that case last fall.”
Danny wondered when Grace had managed to mature so much and yet still seem like his little girl.
“It was a bad experience. Those things take a toll on you.”
“What really happened to him? I know you said he got hurt, but you never said how, or what happened.”
“There’s no reason for you to dwell on that kind of ugliness, monkey. He made it through, and he’s okay--”
“No, he’s not. You just agreed with me that he wasn’t.”
“What do you want to know, Grace?”
“I want to know why nobody will tell me the truth about anything. I’m not a little kid anymore. Uncle Steve gets hurt on cases all the time. But this was different.”
“Yes, you’re right, it was. Honey, this isn’t the time to get into this, right before we go to the airport. Maybe you’re right, maybe we don’t tell you all the details of some of this stuff because we want to protect you. Gracie, I’m gonna be trying to protect you when you’re my age and I’m a cranky old man with arthritis. It’s a parent thing. I know you’re growing up but when you’re an adult with kids of your own, you’ll still be my little girl and I’ll still want to protect you from anything I can.”
“Did you really kill somebody?”
“Grace...I...”
“Why can’t you just answer me?” she shouted, verging on tears. “I’m not stupid, I know you were arrested for murder. Whose murder? Did you do it?”
Danny leaned his butt against the back of the couch, not trusting his legs. He couldn’t remember Grace ever shouting at him, ever looking so sad and frustrated and angry beyond her almost-thirteen years.
“Grace, take it easy,” Steve’s voice startled both of them as he emerged from the bedroom wearing one of Danny’s robes.
“He won’t answer me. Everybody treats me like I’m five years old!” She turned and stormed out of the room, slamming her bedroom door behind her.
“Shit,” Danny said quietly, running his hand over his face. “How do I tell my daughter I executed a slimy drug lord so he wouldn’t come back someday and kill her?”
“You tell her exactly that,” Steve said, moving toward Danny. “You’re an amazing father, Danny, but the reality is that as long as she’s close to us, she’s going to be a witness to our lives and the shit we go through and the things we do. She’s smart and she’s about done taking the Disney animated version of everything that happens.”
“I can’t tell her that. I can’t say I put a gun up to some guy’s head and executed him.”
“I don’t think you have to give her a forensics report. ‘I shot a man who was a serious threat to our lives and safety’ would probably cover it.”
“You think that’s a good idea to tell her that?”
“What’re you gonna do, Danny? She’s growing up. She’s smart - you raised her to be smart, to be a good student, to hone her critical thinking skills. Well, now she has and she wants answers.”
“It’s gonna kill me if she doesn’t think I did the right thing. If she looks at me like I’m a killer or a criminal...”
“She won’t, Danno.” Steve moved closer and pulled Danny into his arms. “Do you want me to talk to her?”
“I’m her father. I owe her the answers. I can’t hide behind you.”
“I’ll tell her I shot Reyes.”
“What?” Danny pulled back and stared at Steve, stunned.
“I’ll tell her I shot him and you were willing to take the fall for me. If she’s gonna think less of somebody over this, better me than you. It would kill me, too, if she condemned me for that and couldn’t handle it, didn’t want me around anymore. But I’d rather she felt that way about me than have it ruin your relationship with her.” Steve sighed. “It doesn’t matter which one of us pulled the trigger, Danny. If you hadn’t done it, I would have, before we left that basement. He was a threat that had to be eliminated. So what difference does it make which one of us did it? It was just a matter of timing.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Shoot Reyes or tell Grace I did?”
“Well, either one, but tell Grace you did it?”
“If you think she’s gonna hate somebody or blame somebody, I’d rather it was me.”
Danny hugged him close again, fighting not to break down.
“I love you, babe,” he managed, knowing a few tears were coming but trying to keep them to a minimum.
“I love you, too, Danno. So does Grace. I think maybe you’re selling her a little short thinking she’s not going to love you anymore over this whole mess. But if you really believe that’s gonna happen, just let me talk to her, okay?”
“No, not okay.” Danny pulled back and wiped at his eyes. “I did this thing. I need to pay for it.”
“Shit, Danny, how many times? Getting dragged to Colombia and tortured wasn’t enough?”
“You don’t need to pay for what I did.”
“I was with you. And I fucking agreed with what you did. So if she’s gonna blame somebody, there’s no injustice in it being me. It’s not like I didn’t have my hand hovering on my weapon to shoot the motherfucker myself.”
“Do you mind just being there when I talk to her? I don’t know how I’m gonna do this, and I need some moral support.”
“You know I will. But think about what I said, Danny. I’m still willing to do that.”
“I know and I love you for it, but I’ll take responsibility for it. I’m not going to live a lie with Grace.”
“I hate to bring this up, but we need to get going if we’re going to make it on time to the airport,” Steve said.
“I know.”
“Let me just talk to her for a minute, tell her we’ll sit down with her later and answer her questions. I want her to know she doesn’t have to go with us now if she’s upset about this.”
“Don’t tell her you did anything, okay?”
“No, I’m not gonna get into that, and I wouldn’t go against your decision about that. Go get dressed.”
“I hate to tell you, babe, but I’m more dressed than you are.”
“I can still be ready faster than you can. Military efficiency,” he added, flexing his eyebrows.
********
Steve knocked on Grace’s door, and there was a long pause.
“Grace, it’s Uncle Steve. Can I come in?”
“Yeah, okay,” she replied, but she sounded unhappy. He opened the door and saw her sitting at her desk, iPad in hand.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to come with us to the airport. I understand.”
“I’ll go. I just don’t understand why nobody tells me anything. I hear more in my current events class than you guys tell me.”
“They talked about us in your current events class?”
“They kind of had to after Danno was arrested there. But I didn’t mean that. I mean, we hear about things that happen in other countries, crimes, other stuff. I see it online...but nobody tells me the truth about anything at home.”
Steve sat on the foot of her bed, near where she was sitting in the desk chair.
“When we get home, later, Danno and I will sit down and answer your questions. You can ask anything you want, and we have to tell you the truth. Is that fair enough?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really." He paused. "Grace, you want us to treat you more like an adult, so I'm going to talk to you like one adult to another, okay?"
"Okay," she agreed, nodding solemnly.
"I meant what I said when I told you your dad is the best man I know, that I've ever known. He's got a good heart and a good soul, and anything he did connected to this mess, he did to protect his family, and he suffered a lot for it. I can tell you that based on all my experience dealing with situations like this one, he made the best decisions for the safety of the people he loves at a pretty steep personal cost to himself. A lot of this story isn't pretty, and it's breaking his heart to think about you having to deal with all that, when all he wants to do is be your hero, protect you, make you happy, keep all the ugly things away from you. He's still the same Danno who loves you more than his own life, he's still your dad, and I guess you have to decide if that's enough to know, or if you need to know more."
"I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I just wish you guys wouldn't treat me like a stupid kid."
"If that's how we've made you feel, then we need to fix that, because we both know how smart and mature you are. Whatever you decide about asking Danno to explain things, do me one favor, okay?”
“Sure,” she replied, nodding.
“Give Danno a hug and tell him you love him. Whatever he’s had to do, whatever he’s gone through, you’re the most important thing in the world to him, and he can get through anything as long as he’s got you.”
“And you, Uncle Steve. He loves you, too,” she said, and there was something different in how she said it than just family or brotherly love.
“I wouldn’t get by too well without him, either. Or you, kiddo.” He touched the back of her head and kissed the top of it lightly. “I’m gonna get dressed. We’ll go in about ten minutes, okay?”
“Okay,” she agreed.
“I love you, by the way,” he added. She smiled widely.
“I love you, too, Uncle Steve.”
********
Danny adjusted his tie and then put on his suit jacket. His stomach was in a sour knot wondering just how he’d tell Grace what she wanted to know without shocking her, scaring her, or destroying their relationship. Or giving Rachel ammunition to come after him for custody. Or...if he admitted killing Reyes, to give the phantom authorities who showed up in his nightmares the power to become real. Would his exoneration hold up if he admitted to doing it? If Rachel got a hold of that and used it against him to take Grace away?
“I’m gonna get dressed real quick,” Steve said as he entered the room.
“Is Grace okay?”
“She’s fine. I told her we’d talk later. All of us.”
“You were in there a long time to say that.”
“I didn’t tell her anything. I just told her you were a great guy who would do anything for her and just wanted her to be happy.”
“I guess that doesn’t cut it for her anymore. I don’t blame her. She’s smart and she’s growing up.”
“We’ll be okay, Danny. Try not to worry about it. I know you will, but try not to, okay?” Steve was mostly dressed, sticking his feet in his shoes and buttoning the collar of his shirt. “Shit. You have a tie I can borrow?”
“Yeah, sure, help yourself,” Danny said, gesturing at the closet. He sat on the foot of the bed, his hand going to his side without even thinking about it.
“You should take your pain meds.”
“They make me loopy. I’m driving, and I’m also gonna do that ID for you, and I want to have all my marbles for that. And before you tell me I’m not driving and that I don’t have to ID Doris, save your breath. I’m doing both things.”
“So this is how it’s gonna be now? You telling me what to do?” Steve asked, grinning at Danny as he finished tying his tie, which Danny, of course, stood to adjust to meet his standards. “What is it with you and ties anyway?”
“You tie them like Matty did when he was little. I always had to fix his.”
He was surprised when Steve took a hold of his hands and kissed him. It was a nice, long, sweet, soft contact with just a little tongue.
“What was that for?” Danny asked, smiling. Steve was still holding his hands.
“Do I need a reason?”
“No...I just figured whatever I did, I’d do it again and see if it worked.” Steve laughed at that and kissed him again. And then another time for good measure.
“Just be you and stay with me.”
“I can do that,” Danny said, sliding his arms around Steve and letting the feeling of Steve’s arms around him calm him the way it always did. “You okay?”
“Today would be a lot harder to get through without you, Danno.” Steve hugged him as tightly as he could without hurting Danny’s sore spots.
Grace was waiting in the living room when they came out of the bedroom to head for the airport. The first thing she did was stand and go to Danny, giving him a hug.
“I love you, Danno,” she said.
“I love you, too, monkey,” he responded right away, feeling a little choked up. He hoped she still felt that way after she had all her questions answered.
“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”
“It’s okay, baby. Don’t worry about that. I know you’re getting older and smarter and you just want the truth about things. I’m going to try to do better with talking to you like a grown up, okay?”
“Okay,” she said, backing away a little. “I know you wouldn’t do anything bad, Daddy.”
“Nobody’s perfect, Gracie, but everything I did...I did what I could to protect the people I love. I don’t know if it was all right or perfect, but I’d do anything to keep you safe, honey. You and Uncle Steve, even though he thinks he’s tougher than everybody else,” he added, flashing a devilish grin at Steve, who just chuckled.
“Was it the guy who killed Uncle Matt?” she asked. Danny hesitated an instant, and then answered.
“Yeah, it was him,” he admitted.
“You thought he’d hurt somebody else like that?”
“I know he would have. I’m sure he already had hurt other people, other families, the same way.”
“Then somebody had to stop him.”
“I thought so,” Danny said. Steve came up behind him, putting an arm around his shoulders.
“If your dad hadn’t...taken action, I would have. It was a very dangerous situation, Gracie.”
“Sometimes cops have to do things like that, right?”
“Sometimes we have to make decisions that are hard to live with, and hard to carry out, but sometimes leaving a threat out there is worse.”
“In our Current Events class, we talked about reasonable force and police shootings, the ones in the news.”
“Some police officers can abuse their authority, and sometimes the decisions you make when you’re in a situation don’t make sense to people who weren’t there having to make that call in a crisis, or people whose friends or relatives were hurt or killed because of it... Using that kind of force is something no good law enforcement officer is ever gonna take lightly,” Steve concluded.
“I trust you guys. I know you wouldn’t hurt somebody unless you had to so other people would be safe.”
“I love you, monkey,” Danny said, hugging her again. He smiled when he felt Steve join what became a three-way hug.
“Are we all good?” Steve said as they parted.
“Yeah, we’re good,” Grace said, grinning at both of them, looking from one to the other.
“What?” Danny asked, still smiling.
“Steve and Danno sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G,” she joked, watching for their reaction.
“We’re busted, huh?” Steve asked.
“You’re so busted, Uncle Steve. You guys must really think I’m still a little kid,” she replied, picking up her small purse and walking out to the car.
********
Steve stood there watching them open the cargo door of the plane. It was a cloudy day with a good breeze. The Hawaiian sun rarely took a break, but it was absent at that moment, and it occurred to Steve the whole setting could have easily been a black and white photograph for what little color there was. There was no great ceremony to this, no flag-draped coffin or honor guard. Just the three of them waiting for the grim moment when the large crate containing Doris's remains would make its slow, inexorable journey down the conveyor belt to be loaded into the back of the waiting hearse.
He had purposely focused on other things. He'd focused on Danny, focused on Grace's little outburst that morning, focused on the warmth and the joy of making love with Danny, even though it couldn't go very far until he was healed...it didn't matter. Jerking off took care of his urges. Feeling Danny's warm body against his, holding him, kissing him, and being the object of his love and passion...that was what mattered.
He was doing it again. Not facing the reality of the situation, hiding behind the distraction of everything else but the fact his mother was dead in a box that was about to be loaded in a hearse and taken to a funeral home.
Danny slid his hand into Steve's and squeezed, and Steve clung to that hand like a lifeline as the crate came down the conveyor belt until it stopped at the end. Steve moved forward, not really sure what to do in a situation where there were no flags and no military protocol. Just the raw pain of tragedy and no ritual to focus on. He touched the surface of the wood crate, laid his hands on it for a moment.
"I always hoped you'd come home again, Mom, but not like this," he said quietly, feeling the awful lump in his throat and the tears in his eyes. He wished it was sunny so he could wear some sunglasses without it being obvious he was hiding behind them. When he felt someone beside him, he expected Danny but the figure by his side was too short and slender to be Danny. Grace was putting her arms around his middle and holding on.
"It's gonna be okay, Uncle Steve," she said. By then, Danny moved to his other side and rested his hand on Steve's back.
"When she left the last time, I didn't think... I thought she'd come home but then she never did. I should have kept looking for her."
"You couldn't have known something like this would happen," Danny said, rubbing Steve's back lightly. "Doris didn't want to be found, for whatever her reasons were. I wish you guys had more time together, but you didn't do anything wrong, babe."
"Maybe my dad was onto something," Steve said, wiping at his eyes. "Kind of hard to stop once you get started."
"Would you like us to transport her now, Commander?" Mr. Holden asked. The elderly owner of the funeral home was supervising the transport himself, thought he left the heavy lifting to younger men he brought with him, a couple of whom bore a strong resemblance to him. Steve figured it was a family business. Being a family of undertakers isn't nearly as weird as being a family of cops, secret agents, and intelligence officers who are so fucking tangled up in lies and intrigue that none of us really ever knew each other.
"Yes, go ahead," Steve said, pulling his hand back from the crate.
"We'll follow them and I'll go inside for a few minutes to, um, you know, ID her for you," Danny said."
"You don't have to do that," Steve replied, though he was more grateful than he could express that Danny was willing to do that for him. He wasn't sure if he was up to seeing in person the grim final vision of Doris as she looked in the photo Joe showed him. For a moment, as they were loading the casket in the hearse, he turned and held onto Danny.
"I know it hurts, babe," Danny whispered in his ear. "It's okay. It's your mom. Nobody expects this to be easy on you."
"Let's go," Steve said quietly, and the three of them went back to the car and followed the hearse on its grim journey to the funeral home.
********
"I still don't understand why you prefer to view Mrs. McGarrett now, before we've had the opportunity to prepare her," Mr. Holden said to Danny.
"Yeah, well, I'm not prepared to explain myself, so just uh, you know, flip the lid and let's not drag this out," Danny said, gesturing at the plain casket that had been used to ship Doris back to Oahu.
"As you wish," he replied, nodding toward one of the younger men who had assisted at the airport. Once the casket was open, Danny looked at the body inside. His heart sank. He wasn't sure what he had hoped to see, but part of him had hoped Doris had a couple of her nine lives left so he could tell Steve it was all another hoax, and she wasn't really dead.
There was no denying this was Doris, it was a real corpse, and it was very definitely dead.
"Can you fix her up for the open casket viewing?" he asked.
The older man leaned forward for a closer look. "Yes, I'm confident we can make her look very nice for the family."
"Good. Do your best work, okay?"
"Of course. We'd do nothing less."
Danny headed back outside to where Grace and Steve were waiting in the car. He eased himself into the driver's seat with a little grunt of pain. He looked at Steve in the passenger seat.
"Sorry, babe." He took Steve's hand. "I was hoping... I don't know what I was hoping, but it looks like it's for real this time."
"Thank you," Steve said, squeezing Danny's hand. "I had to know for sure."
If the conversation was confusing to Grace, she didn't ask more questions.
"You want to go home?" Danny asked Steve.
"Yeah, I'm not such great company right now. If you guys want to do something--"
"We do, actually," Danny said. "We want to go back to your place and maybe spend the rest of the day on the beach. Maybe cook out later if we get hungry. That sound okay?"
"It sounds really good," Steve said, his voice tight.
********
After stopping at Danny's to pick up beach wear for Danny and Grace, they headed over to Steve's for their day on the beach. Danny changed into shorts, but chose a t-shirt so it would cover the worst of his bruises in front of Grace. He still wasn't up to swimming anyway, so just relaxing in a chair by the water with a cold beer was as much as he was interested in doing. Steve moved a chaise lounge chair with a nice cushion in it down near the water that was more comfortable for his bruised spots than the wood chair. It wasn't lost on Steve that his insomniac partner seemed able to sleep like the dead either with him, or when he and Grace were nearby.
The lazy day with family was just what Steve needed. It didn't cure his grief over Doris's death, but it made it easier to handle. While Grace went out for one more swim, Steve settled in a chair near Danny, who looked like he was sleeping, but opened his eyes as soon as Steve sat by him.
"I'm going to London, Danny."
"I figured. When do we leave?"
"We don't. I'm going. You're not recovered enough yet to make that kind of trip, and if we run into something dangerous along the way, I don't want you getting hurt when you're not healed up from this yet."
"No, you're not going alone. You don't get to do that anymore."
"Do what?"
"Take off whenever you feel like it without me."
"I don't feel like going anywhere without you, but I need some answers and I don't want to screw up your recovery."
"Then you'll have to wait for me."
"A lot of trails can go cold in several weeks."
"I know that you want to get justice for your mom. It's not fair that your parents died the way they did, but how much of your life are you gonna give to that? How many years have you spent already living in the shadow of your dad's death and tangling with Wo Fat and paying for the shit your parents got into?"
"You make it sound like their fault."
"Getting murdered wasn't their fault, and I'd never say that. I don't even think that. But they made choices, Steven. They lived their lives on a certain path and what happened to them was the result of taking that path. More so Doris than your dad. He was just kind of swept along with the tide of all her covert secret agent...whatever."
Steve stared at Danny a moment. He wanted to be angry at the words, but there was some truth in them. And it was harder to be angry at anything Danny did or said when he focused on the bruises on his face and thought about the damage to the rest of him and the pain he was in, both physical and emotional.
"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that, I guess."
"How's your knee?" Steve asked, and Danny looked at him, confused.
"Where the hell did that come from?"
"It looks swollen," Steve observed, evaluating the appearance of Danny's bad knee versus his good knee as he lay there in the chaise lounge.
"It hurts. Not serious pain like I need the cane to get around. Just kind of sore. It got a few good twists and I landed on it a time or two on the cement."
"You want some ice for it since you have it up anyway?"
"You don't have to wait on me all the time."
"Maybe I like to," Steve said, standing, then leaning over and kissing Danny, who smiled at that and pulled him down for another kiss.
Steve went up to the house and got an ice pack ready for Danny's knee. He figured it would probably help his side, too, but doubted Danny would want to look that bad off in front of Grace that he had multiple ice packs all over his body. As he walked across the grass, glad the sunshine had made a return as the day wore on, and saw a glimpse of what he could have if he just let himself off the hook, the temptation to just let all of it go crossed his mind. His parents were dead and they had made a lot of the choices it took to get them there. Doris chose her life path ages ago, before Steve was even born, and now it had caught up with her. Even if helping Danny had made that happen, he wondered if he should just feel gratitude to her for giving him his reason for living back, or if that meant he owed her the rest of his life to avenge her death.
Grace was done with her swim and was sitting on a towel on the sand near Danny's lounge chair. She had her iPad in hand.
"We're gonna suffer through a chapter of the book," Danny said, and Steve smiled at that, carefully placing the ice pack on Danny's knee.
"Might as well suffer together," he said, returning to his chair. He reached over and held Danny's hand, which earned him a look of pure love from his partner. "Hit it, Gracie," he said, and she began reading aloud.
********
Steve had trouble going to sleep that night, even though he was curled around Danny, enjoying having his nose partially buried in soft blond hair, inhaling the scent of Danny, his shampoo, and whatever magic potion kept his hair the way he wanted it. He couldn't get what Danny said out of his mind, and he found himself wondering if he owed it to his mother to give her more years of his life hunting down her killer. He'd found Wo Fat, done battle with him, suffered for it, and ultimately avenged his father. He wondered if he had another several years of that in him, and if he wanted to give up the chance to settle down with Danny and Grace and live out his days like a normal human being with a family.
Danny started moving, writhing in his arms, making pained sounds that broke Steve's heart.
"Danny? You're having a nightmare, buddy. Danny, wake up." He shook Danny's shoulder gently.
"Steve...help me...please...Steve..."
"I'm here, baby. It's okay. You're home, safe. I've got you now."
"Steve?"
"Yeah, Danno, it's me. You're home, it's okay. You're safe now."
"Sorry. It was a really bad dream," he said quietly. He kept his back to Steve but Steve could see him wiping at his eyes. He held Danny closer, and kissed his shoulder.
"You want to talk about it?"
"It hurt so bad and I...when it got really awful, I said your name. I hoped they didn't hear me and I guess they didn't because they probably would have made fun of me or badgered me about it, but I guess they were too busy...doing their thing to listen to me or care what I said."
"I wish I could have done something...anything."
"You're doing it now," Danny said, covering Steve's hand where it rested on his chest, lacing their fingers. "Just don't let go, okay? I just don't wanna have that dream again tonight."
"I know, buddy. I know. I promise I won't let go."
"I knew it was stupid, that you couldn't be there or couldn't hear me. I just...I...I needed you so much. I wanted to see you one more time before I died," he admitted brokenly.
"Danny." Steve felt tears in his eyes, and he kissed the back of Danny's neck. "I'm so sorry."
"I want to be okay again."
"You will be. It's gonna be okay, Danno."
"Can we have the TV on for a while? I know it bothers you..."
"Sure." Steve picked up the remote and turned it on. "You care what channel it's on?"
"News or sports or something that's not creepy."
"Okay." Steve left it on the news channel.
"Thanks."
"Anytime you need it on, just tell me. I can sleep just fine as long as I've got you, okay?"
"Okay," Danny said, sounding a little less miserable. "I wish..."
"What? Your wish is my command, Danno," Steve joked, kissing his ear. That made Danny chuckle softly. He was quiet a few seconds.
"I wish something had happened with us before I was too fucked up to enjoy it."
"What happened to you...Danny, it was awful and there's no other way to say it. But for what it's worth? I'm glad you're here and everything else can work itself out."
"That's really nice to hear," Danny said, his voice hushed.
"A friend of mine thinks I need to open up more," he teased, kissing Danny's neck again.
"This friend of yours, he's a smart guy, huh?"
"To hear him tell it," Steve replied, kissing Danny's shoulder. They were quiet a few minutes until Steve spoke again. "He's the love of my life and if I have him with me, nothing else matters." He got as close to Danny as he could without putting too much pressure on his back or his side.
"He's a lucky guy." Danny looked over his shoulder at Steve. "I feel the same way but that's easy for me to say. You're okay."
"Danny, I've loved you for five years without sticking my dick in you. Hell, without even kissing you. Quit worrying that I'm going somewhere now."
"The kissing part is good, isn't it?"
"So is this." He ran his hand lightly over Danny's chest. "Just being together...not being alone anymore."
"I love you."
"I love you, too. It'll all work out."
"It doesn't gross you out?"
"What?"
"If you're being honest and not telling me something to help me get better. Does what happened to me ever...just make you feel disgusted?"
"With the whole situation and the assholes who did it? With myself for not being able to stop it? All the time. With you or anything about you? No."
"You did everything you could. I'd be dead if you hadn't." Danny paused. "If it's because of me that your mom was killed...Steve, I...I don't even know what to say."
"You couldn't control that. Even if that's true, it wasn't your fault. None of this was your fault, Danno."
"I know all the things they say about people with HIV having normal lives and you told me that even if I end up testing positive that it wouldn't change things. But it does, Steve. Because people who are HIV positive sometimes get AIDS and die. After a long, awful illness."
"I know that, too. But a lot of them don't. Look, Danny, the chances of you being positive are slim, and then the chances of you suffering a wasting death from AIDS is another notch slimmer because you'd be catching it early and whatever we needed to do to keep you healthy, we'd do it."
"I'm scared, Steve," he whispered, his voice sounding choked. "I don't wanna get sick and die and not see Grace grow up." He paused. "You don't know how long I wanted this. Us. Like this. And now it's here right in front of me and I can't... Or even if we do get together, I might not even have the time to enjoy it."
"Hey, Danno, come on, look at me," Steve urged him to make the effort to turn on his back. He laid his hand on Danny's cheek and brushed at the tears there with his thumb. "I know you're scared. I am, too, because if you got sick and you were gonna die...I can't even picture that."
"Now I got you all worked up and awake," Danny said, smiling, touching Steve's face lightly.
"Yeah, thanks a lot, pal," Steve joked, catching Danny's hand and kissing it. "You're gonna be okay, Danno." He slid his arms carefully around Danny and held him close. "Because I can't get by without you," he added, fighting hard not to break down. He buried his face in the curve of Danny's neck and relished his warmth. He felt Danny's hand in his hair, his lips soft and sweet against Steve's temple.
"I'm not going anywhere, babe. Just got scared."
"You're not alone. You keep telling me that, but you have to remember it, too."
"I know."
"No matter what happens, we'll handle it."
"Yeah, we will. Partners."
"You know it," Steve said, pulling back to look into Danny's eyes, kissing him. "As soon as you feel a little better, I wanna make you feel real good."
"I'm counting on it," Danny said, smiling.
"You don't need an excuse with me if you're not ready to do something, okay? I know you're still hurting too much with your ribs to get too riled up, but even when you feel better...it's on your timetable, Danno. I just want you to relax and not worry about it."
"I'm not worried, babe. I couldn't feel much safer than I do with you."
"Good. Think you could sleep now?"
"Yeah. We both should. Will you try to relax, too?"
"I'll try. What's more comfortable, your side or your back?"
"Thanks to the featherbeds, I can handle either one, but probably my side."
"Okay, let's get settled."
Danny shifted onto his side again, and Steve spooned around him, kissing his shoulder, then leaning over and kissing his cheek.
"Go to sleep, Danno. I'm right here."
"Love you, Steven."
"I love you, too." So much more than words.
********
Danny had slept fairly well during what was left of the night. He always felt a little fear at going to sleep, even with Steve, because the demons that lurked in his memory seemed determined to drag him back to that jail every night to make him relive the worst experience of his life. He was a little confused at what he was hearing, what was waking him up. It sounded like a guitar. Then his sleepy brain remembered Steve had one now, but he had yet to hear him play it. He eased onto his back and opened his eyes, rubbing at them. Steve was sitting on the bed with the guitar, still wearing his tank shirt and shorts he’d slept in. He was picking at the guitar, playing some little melody faintly that Danny didn’t recognize.
“I finally get to hear the song?” he asked, sticking an extra pillow behind his head.
“Later. There’s one I want to play for you first.”
“I guess it makes sense you’d know more than one song, if you were really into this before.”
“I know a few,” Steve said, smiling. Then he started playing for real, and Danny recognized the song. The fact Steve wanted to play this particular song for him meant everything...and he hoped Steve meant everything the lyrics had to say.
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
Steve wasn’t ducking his head or avoiding Danny’s eyes. He was looking right into Danny’s eyes while he sang, and he had that look on his face that Danny treasured when he was the object of it. Truthfully, he’d never really seen anyone else be the object of that look. Even when Steve was with Catherine, Danny had loved the way Steve looked at him, touched him, reacted to him. It was special and even then it had offset a bit of the sting of seeing Steve in love with someone else. He wanted Steve to be happy and, back then, it had seemed like being with Catherine was the answer to that. But lying there listening to Steve sing and play the guitar for the first time in over twenty years, Danny knew that, for Steve, that was more intimate than sex ever could be.
Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again
Their conversations had hinted at a lifetime together, a long-term commitment, but Steve had chosen to sing him a song about it, to give voice to it and not hold anything back, to jump in head first for better or worse even though Danny had a lot of healing to do in a lot of ways before he’d be what he was before, if he ever was completely okay again. Knowing Steve loved him that way, unconditionally, just as he was, even damaged, made the thought of someday being the “old Danny” again seem attainable. Steve’s smile widened when Danny started singing along with him on the last part of the song, resting his hand on Steve’s knee while he did.
Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you
Come love me again
Danny knew the words of the song. He’d heard it before and thought it was beautiful, but he never really pictured himself inspiring someone to sing words like that. But he inspired Steve to do it, and singing along with him, he felt all those things about Steve, too. He wondered if he’d never been hauled off to Colombia how long it would have taken them to get here, if they ever would have, or if he’d have finally accepted that it wasn’t going to happen and settled for a life with Melissa or someone else. Instead, he was lying in a bed he was sharing with Steve, and they were singing a love song together. Maybe he’d paid a steep enough price to finally have what mattered to him.
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
Steve was quiet a moment.
“You’ve got a nice voice,” he said.
“You, too,” Danny replied. “You were right...you’re good at that,” Danny said.
“So, what do you say?”
“About?”
“The song.”
“It was beautiful,” Danny replied.
“I’m kind of hanging here, Danno.”
“How? I said it was beautiful and you’re really good at the guitar and singing...?”
“I picked that song for a reason.”
Oh, fuck, this was a classic, typical, once in a lifetime, Steve McGarrett version of a proposal. Danny kind of caught that, but he didn’t think it was so much so that he was expected to say yes or no at the end of it. He pulled himself up into a sitting position with a couple grunts of pain, since it seemed like he should be upright for this moment.
“Is this a yes or no question?” he clarified, not able to stand the thought that he got it wrong, and that wasn’t what Steve meant.
“Usually. I think a ‘maybe’ would drive me nuts,” he admitted, and Danny laughed.
“Then yes.”
Steve smiled so brightly at that Danny thought his face might split in half. He set the guitar aside and came at Danny across the bed, making him brace himself a bit for the impact of Steve when he landed. He should have known that long, powerful body would be ridiculously gentle when it made contact. Only Steve could move that quickly and yet take Danny in his arms as if he was made of delicate crystal, holding him close and not hurting his broken ribs, kissing him passionately without aggravating the split in his lip.
He wanted to ask Steve if he was sure, remind him that he was damaged, that he might be infected with HIV, that he might never have a normal sex life again, that he might be cursed with nightmares and new phobias now... And then Steve pulled back enough to look at Danny with that look, and he knew that none of that was going to change how much Steve loved him or wanted him. It didn’t matter what was wrong with him now, or might be wrong with him in the future, he was the one Steve wanted for a lifetime. When Steve finally let him up for air, released his mouth, albeit reluctantly, Danny grinned at him.
“Encore,” he said. Steve laughed at that and kissed him some more.
********