Chapter Text
The only audible noise was the strong torrents of air crashing against the single window of the room, an unforecast dry thunderstorm had made their presence in the outsides of Seoul and now was settled all over the city. Well, or at least it was, until what started as a constant and deep breath began to rush, every second faster and faster, until the culprit of the sudden misdeed woke up, desperate trying with his whole body to catch some air. It wasn’t until a couple of minutes later, and after he curled up in the corner of his bed, head pressed over his bent knees and back against the wall, that he could breathe normally again.
It wasn’t the first time that he had this kind of attacks, since he moved to Korea and started to live by himself, they became part of his life; at first they weren’t that frequent, only appearing those empty nights the insomnia decided to reappear, but recently… It was like they were determined to remind him about their existence every night. He had blamed the stress of the upcoming debut, the pressure over them not only by the company or the general public, but by themselves, it was eating him from the inside.
That’s why he hadn’t told anyone yet, everybody was stressed enough, he didn’t want to make them deal with something else, especially something so dumb like that.
He took his head out of his knees, letting his cheek lay on them. His sight swept all the other beds, stopping for a second on every face he could see from his corner. Everyone was still peacefully sleeping. Thanks god, he thought.
And when he was about to dig his head on his knees again, a hand peeking from the bed over him almost made him scream. It wasn’t until he focused and saw the cute way it was swinging, that he remembered who was there.
Still with his heart running because of the scare. He slowly crawled to the edge of his bed, where the hand was hanging, making sure to not make any noise, he peeked to the upper bed. A disheveled Sunoo was there, lying over his tummy and with his elbows over the bed holding his upper body. Their eyes met as soon he could see his face.
“You can’t sleep?” He whispered.
Ni-ki only denied with his head in response. He was ashamed, because he was pretty sure Sunoo had heard him.
“Do you want to sleep with me?” Sunoo asked in another whisper, thanking the darkness who didn’t allow the youngest to see the strong blush on his face as he asked that.
The grip of Ni-ki over Sunoo’s mattress became stronger, at the same time he pressed his forehead over his hands. He was ashamed, really really ashamed. The member who was known for being the biggest crybaby was conciliating him; the bold maknae. But when he glanced up again, and saw the small but comforting smile on Sunoo’s face, he couldn’t care less what all the people could say.
Slowly, and with his cheeks burning, Ni-ki nodded. That signal was enough for the oldest to move aside, sticking to the wall, letting him enough space to lie down.
Taking a last look at all the other five beds, he climbed to the bed, lying on his back, making sure he didn’t touch Sunoo. It was a little… not uncomfortable, but… weird.
“If you can’t sleep, you can come to my bed,” Sunoo said softly. He was on his side with his hands under his head working as a pillow, his big foxy eyes attentive over him. “Every time I couldn’t sleep, I used to go to my sister's bed. She used to say that sleep with someone else warms the heart enough to sleep peacefully.”
Ni-ki nodded mechanically, still too much ashamed to talk. Sunoo looked at him with a smile on his face that made his eyes turn into slim half moons.
“Good night then Ni-ki,” he said softly before turning his back on him.
It wasn’t until probably 10 minutes later, when his heartbeats came back to normal, that Ni-ki turned his head to see him. Sunoo’s black hair still a little wet for the shower looked so fluffy, and the way his back moved along his constants breaths somehow ended up making him follow the same rhythm, and that way, looking at the back of his friend, he also fell deeply asleep, like he hadn’t been able to do it since a long time.
A warm feeling was what woke him up. At first when he opened his eyes and saw something black under his nose he truly got scared, but when his brain started to work again, and he realized of the situation, to be honest, he got even more scared.
Sunoo’s body was being tightly squeezed by his arms against him, his nose was almost buried on Sunoo’s hair.
At that moment, he didn’t know if it was his shampoo, his perfume, or even the bed’s sheets, but something smelled overwhelming good.
“Mhm-” a soft whimper made him freeze. Sunoo was moving a bit, rubbing the back of his head on him.
Something strange started to run all over his body, making his fingers tingle and his head dizzy. Why was he feeling warm? Why was he feeling good? Like if everything was right, like if the dozens of worries he had last night didn’t exist. Like if nothing else mattered.
That way, unconsciously, slowly, his grip around Sunoo’s waist started to tighten and his nose started to sink against his head. It felt so right, so comforting, like if he was made to be there, and he only found out now.
And like a bucket of cold water, the sound of the door took him out of his trance.
“Oh, are you awake?” The voice of Jungwon sounded soft, probably because almost everyone was still sleeping.
Ni-ki squeezed his eyes, hoping he wasn’t the one calling, but it was hopeless.
“I didn’t want to wake him up yet, but we have school.” Wonie said, referring probably to him, Sunoo and Jay who were the ones who still went to school. “Can you wake him up in a bit, Ni-ki? I will handle Jay later”
The youngest only nodded in response without turning. The door sounded again, and then silence. Jungwon had probably gone to shower.
“I hate school.”
The drowsy voice of Sunoo startled him. Since when he was awake?
“Morning,” Sunoo said, looking up to see Ni-ki who was still holding him.
“Morn…ing” he replied looking at Sunoo’s eyes, which even in the darkness of the room were lightly shining.
“Umm Ni-ki, can you release me please?” The soft way he asked, private and intimate, made Ni-ki shudder.
Why? What was going on with him? Those two questions printed on his head with pure black ink. Was it because he missed his family that much? No, it can’t be, he didn’t sleep with none of his family members, then why?
“Ni-ki,” Sunoo called him one more time, but this time, Sunoo’s hands were slightly over his. While he was lost in his thoughts, his grip over Sunoo’s waist had become stronger, and now, he was digging his fingers into his waist.
The soft touch from Sunoo over his hand made him realize of the situation, and like if Sunoo’s body was burning, he released it.
“I’m sorry hyung,” he mumbled, looking at him eyes wide open. Incredulity painted on his face after realizing what he did. Shame and disbelief filled him, and those were also the ones who put his body in the move, escaping from that bed like a thief on a crime scene. But when he was rushing to get off, a hand took him by the wrist firmly.
That moment, he didn’t understand why Sunoo was looking at him in that way. Was he angry? Confused? Worried? When Ni-ki looked down to the connection of the pale of Sunoo’s hand around his wrist, a shiver crossed it from there to his shoulder.
“Hey,” Sunoo called him in a whisper, like all the conversation they had had.
When their eyes met again, whatever thing Sunoo was about to say, didn’t come out from his half open mouth.
And then, the door rang again, showing a Jungwon who had forgotten to take his towel. However, what Jungwon saw just was a Ni-ki jumping into his bed while covering all his body with the Shin-chan sheets, and on the top bunk bed, a dazed Sunoo was looking at nowhere across the room.
“Are you still sleepy?” Jungwon asked softly, smiling at his friend as he squatted taking his towel from the drawer.
Ni-ki couldn’t hear if Sunoo answered something, he was too focused trying to be swallowed by his bed for at least a week. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
After that, every day went through like water on a mighty river, each one faster than the other. Busy enough to only have time to eat and sleep at night, the only difference than before was the constant weight muffling the mattress of the top bed. Every night, right after the lights turned off and the place fell on the dead of the night. None said nothing about that, not the day after the first night, not after the first week of constant sneaking, nor right now, almost six months of the daily hands sneaking on the oldest waist, pressing him against his body. Just like if that topic was banned, like if talking about it in daylight was like confessing a sin in front of a priest. Because in the mind of two young teens, it was worse than a sin; the torrent of feelings that started to cross their bodies was way worse.
The sudden press of the hand wide open on his stomach only made him more self conscious about the big body behind him. In only a couple of months, Ni-ki had surpassed him in height, and with the daily knee pains it didn’t seem like he would stop growing anytime soon. Sunoo hated it. Not because of his pride of being older and therefore have to be taller, no, those were things that only seemed to concern Jake, he hated it for other reason.
Slowly, caring to do the less noise possible, Sunoo dragged his hand over the white sheets, until his fingers reached the hand over his stomach, and with even more care, he put his cold hand over the long one of Ni-ki, stretching his fingers over him, feeling the difference between them, the point of his fingers barely reaching the start of Ni-ki’s fingernails. He hated the long body of Ni-ki, because he loved it. He loved feeling smaller, the fake sense of safetyness every time Ni-ki pulled him against his chest, caging him against his body and the wall.
He tried to convince himself an uncountable amount of times that all that was normal, that he just didn’t know because he never had a brother, that the urge that appeared every night Ni-ki took more that the normal to climb to his bed was nothing, that the weird emptiness that took over him every morning Ni-ki left without saying a word was a side effect of the morning dizziness. But now, he knows it wasn’t like that.
A finger twitched under his hand, digging on his pajama shirt and the flat skin of his stomach. Sunoo didn’t bother to take his hand off, on the contrary, he pushed his hand, sliding his finger in between Ni-ki’s.
“Hyung?” The deep and drowsy voice of the youngest rumbled in Sunoo's ear, causing him goosebumps all around his body.
“Yes?”
Their voices were so low that only the ones on that bed could hear. The warmth under the sheets growing until their tangled legs felt almost unbearably hot, until sweat started to appear on Sunoo’s back. Sunoo didn’t mind, he was used to it, he liked it.
“Why are you awake?” Ni-ki asked, turning his palm to intertwine with Sunoo’s, letting it rest there, unbothered.
“I can’t sleep,” Sunoo whispered, not wanting to break the comforting silence of the empty room.
The vents of the air conditioner were the only noise filling the place, with everyone else gone because of the weekend, the place was quieter than ever. Sunoo would have left too, if it wasn't that his parents left Seoul to visit his grandmother a couple of days ago. Sunoo didn’t bother to stay, he actually decided he would take those free days to rest and do his whole beauty routine he rarely had enough time to do, and, of course, he could stay with Ni-ki, who even after the offer from Jay to go to his house for the weekend like he usually do, he decided to stay at the dorms too.
“Are you nervous?” Hot breath crashed against his ear, he should be used to that by now, the tingle on his tiptoes shouldn’t be as strong as before, but here we are, with him twirling his toes, unconsciously squeezing the hand he was holding.
Nervous. With their first comeback just a couple of days away, it’s not weird that Ni-ki thought that. After their debut who didn’t fill the expectations everyone had in them, they all knew it was now or never, if they didn’t do amazing with this mini album… he didn’t even want to think about it. But even with all that, he wasn’t. He felt pressured, but not nervous.
“A little,” he lied. Of course he lied, of course he was not gonna tell him that the reason he hadn’t been able to sleep the last weeks was that he was scared.
Because he was. Scared of all the things his sinful mind thought every time he saw Ni-ki full of sweat after a dance practice, of all the sensations that ran across his body every time he felt his hot body pressed against him.
A veil of silence fell over them once again. The melody of Ni-ki’s constant heartbeats cooing him like a lullaby. Sunoo closed his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy the calmness they rarely had.
“I am.” A whisper made him open his eyes once again.
“What?”
“I am nervous, '' Ni-ki said. His weirdly muffled voice made Sunoo turn. He was looking down to where their hands were holding. With care not to move abruptly, but instead making the least noise possible, Sunoo turned completely, without letting go the sweaty hand at any moment.
Their eyes meet in the middle of the darkness. The usually strong gaze of Ni-ki now only looked relaxed, tired even.
“It’s gonna be okay.” Sunoo whispered, the same comforting voice tone he used the first time Ni-ki came to his bed looking for shelter. “The songs are amazing, the choreos too, we will do great, trust me,” he squeezed his hand a little stronger.
They fell into silence again, holding their gaze for a couple of seconds. It wasn’t until Sunoo finally closed his eyes, pulling their hands up letting them rest in bed and under his chin, Ni-ki’s hand in between his. The signal to go back to sleep. That’s what was supposed to happen, they would fall asleep as always, and would wake up into each other's arms like every day. If only they truly had fallen asleep then.
“Hyung.”
“Yes?” He replied like before, just that this time he didn’t bother to open his eyes, waiting for a response that didn’t come, instead he felt cold fingers caressing his cheek. The sudden coldness made him open his eyes.
“What are you doing?” Sunoo asked. Not getting any response. The hand traveled over his cheek up and down, slow, like if he was made of porcelain. Ni-ki’s expressionless face didn’t help him to get an answer.
“I don’t understand,” he mumbled, probably for himself judging the extremely low tone he used, if it wasn’t because Sunoo was holding his own breath probably he wouldn’t have heard him. And before Sunoo could ask him what he meant, he talked again now clear like water, “can I hug you?”
A prominent wrinkle appeared on Sunoo’s forehead. Ni-ki never asked, he only did it, it was funny actually because at first when they only started to sleep together Ni-ki teased him with things like ‘hyung you are sleeping with me tonight right’ ‘hyung are you not gonna hug me?’ ‘hyung you really can’t sleep without me’. Every time, that’s why he got confused when he for once asked him that.
“Are you really asking?”
A pair of strong arms surrounded him, Ni-ki’s hands pulling him against his chest. Sunoo hugged him too, resting his head over Ni-ki’s right arm. Somehow in the meantime their legs had tangled again, like if the place wasn’t hot as hell, but despite that, Sunoo felt so comfortable there, because no matter how hot or squeezed they ended up every night, as long he pushed all those bad thoughts away, there wasn’t a more peaceful place for him to be.
The tiredness finally took over Sunoo, which wasn’t weird considering the extremely hard dance practices from the last few days. His eyes felt heavy as he started to drift into a very needed sleep. Or at least until a reckless hand started to move between them, until he felt a cold touch on his bottom lip. Just a sweep, but enough to make him feel tickles all around his face and neck. The possibility that just had been a careless accident disappeared from his mind when two cold fingers rubbed his lip softly. Sunoo was about to ask him what the hell was he doing, but nothing came out of his mouth when he felt some warm lips over his own.
Even if you ask him now what made him react that way in that moment, there’s only one response you will get: I don’t know. Because he truly doesn’t know why instead of asking Ni-ki what was he doing, instead of pushing him away, instead of moving back at the very least; why he stayed still. Frozen in place as Ni-ki, his best friend, kissed him awkwardly, his nose crashing against his, and pressing his lips against his with more force than necessary.
He knew that was wrong, he knew that he shouldn’t be so unjustifiably happy because Ni-ki was kissing him. But he was, his heart crashing against his chest loud and strong, and that’s when he made his second mistake. When Ni-ki pulled away, he opened his eyes, finding the youngest gaze in the dark of the night. Their eyes met for between half a second and five minutes, he really doesn’t know, but what he does remember is the way Ni-ki’s face turned from a surprised one, to a one filled with pure and raw fear. His eyes widening, his mouth opening down showing his perfect bottom teeth, the way he pulled away his hands, as if touching him was like touching a poisonous toad. The way he started to shake his hand, at first just a bit, almost imperceptible, but quickly his whole head was shaking left and right.
“I-i didn’t,” panic drowning his words, each letter sounding more hard to say than the last. “Hyung I didn’t mean-”
And then, his last and worst mistake. Drowsy, he blinked, once, twice, until in the third time his eyes didn’t open again. He didn’t say a thing, just pretended he was asleep. According to Ni-ki, and even the rest of the members, he was the kind of sleeper that woke up in the middle of the night, sit on his bed, and got back to sleep, the kind that talked on his sleep like holding a conversation, the kind that hugged Ni-ki closer without knowing. Somnambulant, that was the correct term.
But acting like a asleep person, with a completely relaxed body, was definitely not an easy task when your whole body is shaking inside. Not when you are extra aware of the person in front of you, that you can even hear the way his breath stucks on his throat, the way he painfully slowly moves his arm from behind your head, letting your head carefully fall on a pillow just planted there by him. The way all the warmth you got used to have next to you for so long, slips away from your side, letting the sudden coldness surround you. It was definitely not easy.
Sunoo heard the bunk bed ladder rungs creak, and not long after, the sound of the mattress of the bed under him being scrambled. And even over his loud heartbeats, he could hear the curse leaving Ni-ki’s mouth.
That night, he remembers he prayed that all that had been just a dream, and the next day was the same as always. Slowly, the faith displayed in his prayers faded like sand in between his fingers when the first sob got to his ears. It was the second time he heard Ni-ki cry, only behind the day his name was called on the final of the shity reality show. And besides that, not even the heavy sobs of that final, compared with the muffled and low ones he heard that night. Those were worst, each one felt like a needle being pinned on his chest.
If there’s something he regrets the most about that night, is the fact he didn’t go after him, he didn’t go to his bed to talk, talk like mature people, try to understand him, try to comfort him. But, as we said before, they were young, filled with inexperience, filled with fear. That fear being the one that started their long path of growing.