Chapter Text
Jimmy awoke to sunlight aggressively streaming in the window, loud traffic and people yelling in an argument outside. The room smelled bad - damp and old take away. He realised with disorientated irritation that his bed and legs were covered in urine.
Normally, Jimmy lived in a dreamscape - a perfect imaginary world created by Castiel, the Angel who occupied his body. He used to despise being led into a dream. It felt infantilizing. However, as the years had passed, and Castiel neglected him, Jimmy just wanted to float away from his life with an Angel inside him. Be someone else. Someone who wasn’t special.
Castiel's dreamscapes followed the desires of Jimmy's heart; picture perfect realms where he could be on a tropical beach surrounded by live music, naked women and delicious BBQ. If he got bored and desired a less than perfect life- a mundane quarrel with his wife, Amelia, for instance - Castiel would sense it and make it happen.
However, as Jimmy struggled to sit up, nothing was like he was used to. His ears were blocked, he felt sniffley and his skin itched. A headache throbbed at his temples.
He realized warily that he was just in his underwear. A pair of black tracksuit bottoms lay crumpled beside his face. Bizarrely, he saw the clothes he had been wearing the day he got possessed – the cheap suit and the trenchcoat, even his socks – strew untidily on the floor. “Huh?”
Suddenly a large blue-bottle fly hit him in the face, snapping him from his musing, buzzing his ear. He flinched sharply.
"Castiel!" Jimmy snapped, "what's the deal?" He stepped on hard, yucky motel carpet and went to wash his aching, smelly body. As he peeled off his soaked boxers, he noticed the bathroom was pretty grimy and smelled of damp, "Cass?" His voice echoed.
Starting to feel very disorientated, he washed himself thoroughly with the tiny bottle of shower gel and stumbled back into the bedroom.
He pulled on the crumpled tracksuit bottoms he’d found in his bed – still with a price tag on. They felt so good and dry. He wobbled and would have collapsed, but his study legs held him, not matching the rest of his weak, shivery body.
Jimmy realized with a start that some of Castiel’s grace was inside his legs. That meant he was gone. He’d left a little strength for Jimmy and left him.
“No no no no no,” he chanted. It couldn’t be.
This had to be a dream – just a sloppy one. Yes, that was it. He yanked open his motel room door. He was greeted by mop bucket filled with disgusting, grey water.
Jimmy closed his eyes and concentrated hard on the feelings in his heart, "I sure hope this bucket doesn't spill all over my bare feet," he said loudly. He didn't really believe it would.
He gave the bucket a hard kick, and it toppled against him painfully, cutting his skin and covering his feet in slimy, stinking water with unknown floating bits.
Jimmy gasped sharply, stumbling back again the door. He cried out, “Castiel!"
A stranger down the hall looked at him with passing curiosity. Jimmy vanished back into his room and slammed his door, locking it and double-checking. Triple checking. "Cass, Cass, Cass." He sat down on the floor, crossing his legs and putting his head in his hands, massaging his temples furiously.
Jimmy rubbed his eyes until he saw stars, almost having a panic attack, his heart all but screaming for Castiel.
~#*~#*>>~>
Suddenly, he found himself back the in the familiar, womb-like blank space with Castiel. His breathing quickly calmed down. He could tell he was mentally back in their shared space due to the brightness and multi-colored sensory lighting that came from Castiel’s body.
His entire being could sense Castiel’s presence too. Jimmy hungrily inhaled the familiar lavender and strawberry smell of him, soothing himself.
The Angel had explained to him that where they were was another plane of reality, in which Jimmy's mind and mentally-created body existed with Castiel's true form. Jimmy could still look through his own eyes at what was happening with his physical body, even though he couldn’t feel it.
When Castiel had felt the horrific trauma rising up in Jimmy whenever he was physically attacked, shot or stabbed, the Angel had discouraged the human from looking, enticing him into paradise dreams instead.
However, when the human became frustrated at his powerlessness, the Angel let him ride shotgun at all times. Jimmy couldn’t move his body or speak aloud. He knew Sam and Dean Winchester, but they did not know him.
He remembered how he would tremble in delight, sometimes cower in fear, inside Castiel when he conversed with Archangels. Jimmy had been hyper-alert to everything, asking questions inside Castiel’s head.
The Angel had been patient, teaching Jimmy how to use rock salt to block demons, how to make a devil’s trap.
Rarely, Castiel let the human have control of their body so he could eat, as he hated the sensations and taste himself.
Even though the body was always squeaky clean when possessed, Jimmy was sometimes granted control so he could enjoy a bath, Castiel looking at him curiously - both through Jimmy’s own eyes and all the eyes that appeared in the air around them.
There had been times when they were in the ether, where Jimmy could really feel things and live in his own body - all by himself! His mouth watered at the memory of aching muscles in his legs, his feet against wispy cloud, sunlight on his skin...
He didn't remember much about the ether, except he had to keep his hand on Castiel’s foot so he could breathe, the air being so thin.
Jimmy remembered how his tiny hand had looked on those pale, lemon-yellow, squidgy feet. The cute ones with the padded baby-pink soles and delicate webbing. Cass' little penguin foot, Jimmy thought, with the familiar sickening pain and heartbreak that came from feeling affection towards his captor.
Jimmy’s eyes were taking so long to re-adjust after being in the motel room. He rubbed at them, blearily blinking around.
Then he saw them. Feathers. Thousands of them, covering the blank space which he always saw as the floor (though it didn't feel solid). They were so familiar - the beloved rainbow feathers from Castiel’s wings.
The Angel had three sets of wings. All of them fluffy and extremely voluminous, the total size of them larger than his body. He often hid in them or had them fluffed up and bristled around him. When fully spread, Castiel’s wingspan was unbelievable.
The top set were the rainbow ones. These were multi-coloured bright neon and sparkled all the time. They sometimes completely hypnotized Jimmy until Castiel slipped some grace under the human's skin and brought him back round.
The other two sets were inky black. They had hidden colours shimmering through them, like the oil on a bubble.
The black wings were teeming with eyes and twinkling with magic, either tipped with brilliant gold or vibrant turquois.
The middle set were the fluffiest, never seeming to settle down, and Castiel almost never folded them in.
The bottom set were huge and trailing, reaching far beyond the Angel’s little feet.
The rainbow feathers even sparkled from where they now lay on the floor. Having gone a little dreamy, Jimmy realised that the ones on the floor were soaked with an electric-blue coloured substance, looking like blood.
Jimmy gathered up a bunch and licked the substance off. He tasted iron and that familiar metallic taste– it was blood.
The second Jimmy's tongue made contact with the feathers, Castiel’s body suddenly jolted. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, rapid and restless like he needed the bathroom (which was impossible).
Jimmy felt his own heartbeat making itself known in his chest. He thought: I didn't even know he could bleed.
"Castiel!" he called sharply. "Who hurt you? Are we in danger?"
Jimmy scrambled up onto the lowest of the Angel’s rings, horizontally spinning around the his body like Saturn's rings. They weren’t permanent fixtures, always fluctuating into other planes and dimensions – but they remained in place whenever Jimmy was close to them.
He always thought of them as candy that had been sucked a while; thin, shiny. This one was yellow and orange. The rings crackled with sparks of electricity, but it somehow never hurt Jimmy.
He scrambled to the highest point where the ring span at an angle, waiting until it rotated close enough make a leap for the lowest part of the next one up– aqua.
"Castiel, pick me up," Jimmy demanded, not expecting an answer. In the rare times when they’d be pals, one of Cass' limbs would reach down and pick him up. Jimmy thought of them as tentacles, though Cass said that's not what they were - they were manipulatable vines made from his grace.
Jimmy saw the inky black wings were in tatters, having lost a lot of feathers, the bones cracked and in places the bony frame was kind of... snapped? The electric blue blood was bright against the dark feathers, clotted and dried-on in clumps.
The human gasped in horror, "w-what on Earth happened to you?"
Jimmy looked up to see the grace tentacles way above him, busy waving around, pulling at something aggressively, as few loads of rainbow feathers fell on him, stiff with clumps of dried-on oil and electric-blue-bloody at the roots.
"Castiel? Are you... ripping out your own feathers?" He'd had a bird that did that. A pink cockaoo. He'd rescued it back in his twenties and it had ripped its feathers out in distress until Jimmy bonded with it.
Jimmy looked up at the Angel’s body. Outside of their current plane, Castiel’s body was huge - the size of the Chrysler Building, Jimmy remembered him bragging, though Jimmy thought that was kinda small for an Angel.
In their shared habitat however, Castiel was only the size of a house. One time, back when they’d first met and Cass was still seducing Jimmy into full-time possession, he’d possessed him only briefly.
The Angel had taken him to their current plane, where he'd made himself Jimmy sized. They’d spent the whole night having the deepest heart-to-heart, and the Angel had let the human touch him everywhere – aside from the actual fire in his chest.
He had no genitals, Jimmy remembered thinking. He'd been was deliriously happy -giddy even. He had cuddled close with Castiel as he drifted off to sleep, holding him close and breathing in that sweet smell, slipping warmly into the heavenly dreams the Angel painted for him.
Castiel had never done that again.
The human frowned up at the Angel. His body was too smooth to climb. However, Jimmy was alarmed enough to try - wondering if maybe Castiel had gone crazy - then where would that leave him?
He launched himself at Cass' body. It was a weird body, transparent but solid. It was wide and shaped like a puzzle piece. He had fins coming out from his shoulders and running along his sides.
Castiel's fins were delicate looking and electric blue in color, iridescent like a neon tetra fish, a peacock’s neck. It was from under these that all the grace tentacles / vines came from.
Under the fins was also where all the colored sensory lighting came from – constantly running through a sequence of bright colors, flecked with lazer-pen like stars.
The lights reflected off Castiel’s rings and projected circles of color spinning at whatever speed the rings were at. The rings span faster whenever Cass got angry, and that was when Jimmy usually shut his eyes.
Normally, Castiel used the grace tendrils to prop himself up, sat up like a cat with his wings flared, but now for some reason he was standing upright.
When he propped himself up on the grace vines, his fins covered his shoulders like a cloak, hanging down at his sides like an upturned flower.
The fins continuously rippled, as if Castiel was treading water. Like a cuttlefish - Jimmy had thought - which had gotten such a soft reaction from Cass, that that night, Jimmy had been gently rocked to sleep.
The color of Castiel’s translucent body varied a little. Most of the time it was periwinkle; a color in the blue and violet family, close to lavender blue. He was glossy like a pearl; luminous.
Castiel also had a few spots – bright indigo spots dotted around in clusters.
When he was angry, his periwinkle skin changed to a light aqua blue with a hint of green.
The few times Jimmy had talked with Castiel in a relaxed way, the Angel’s skin took on pink undertones that shone through- strawberry milk days- as Jimmy called them.
Right now, Castiel was bright electric blue, like the blood, thought Jimmy, with a twinge of pain.
Cass’ body was incredibly smooth under Jimmy’s grasping fingers, firm and icy cold to the touch. As Jimmy touched in new places on his ascension, he felt clusters of fluffy cloud and patches of actual stardust.
Castiel’s smooth belly protruded a little with alien-like, air-filled emptiness, the same feel as the space hopper Jimmy had as a child.
There were various coloured strips running like wires under Cass’s translucent skin, little rainbows. Jimmy remembers Cass telling him they were nerve endings.
Jimmy clutched on for dear life, though he knew he couldn't be hurt in that space. He began to shimmy upwards, using any star matter he could to pull himself up – good job Cass was cold!
Jimmy was looking for eyes. Castiel had thousands of eyes, all covering his body and his wings, and wherever else Cass wanted them to go, it seemed.
When Jimmy was growing up, from time to time, he’d thought he caught a glimpse of a large staring eye with wings. Thinking of it now, it checked out, because Castiel’s eyes often just floated in the air with their own little wings. Periwinkle wings.
Jimmy found an eye but it was bloodshot and completely white, unseeing. He stroked the black bottom eyelashes gently but the eye disappeared into the body.
As Jimmy kept shimmying upwards, he passed so many cloudy irises of broken eyes. Finally, he found a functioning one – glowing dark blue, looking downwards, so sorrowfully. It had little turquoise electric currents running through it.
"Cass," Jimmy said softly to the eye, “oh, Cass. What's happening? What happened? What's wrong?"
A look of shock and then tears pooled rapidly in the eye. The look then turned livid; the tears turning to electric-blue blood, spilling over and running down the body. Suddenly a tendril of hard light shot out and grabbed him tight, shaking him a bit.
"Get out of here. Leave me."
"And go where?" Jimmy yelped, a little shocked.
"Anywhere. I left you in a motel."
"T-that was r-reality? I-I didn't realise I had control of our body?" Usually, Jimmy stressed to Castiel that it was his body - not Castiel's in any way - but he wanted to be soft. Something was very not-right.
The Angel was silent for a while, then: "You've had it for ages."
Jimmy frowned, I'm not going anywhere, he thought. "What happened to your feathers? They have blood on them."
"You have no reason for further interest in me. You are a righteous man, and I, sadly, am a Fallen Angel. Go home to Amelia now."
Jimmy froze internally for a split-second, when did Castiel fall? But he pushed the thought deep into his consciousness as soon as it arose, so Cass didn't see it; a mere flash in his mind that he almost instantly repressed.
Admiring his own self-control, he picked up a bloodied feather caught in the cloud on Cass' square belly. Jimmy said, somewhat sternly, "This is a new feather that you pulled out. I know them, you let me touch them, remember?”
At that, Cass’ body flinched, and the limb made of grace started to tremble where it held Jimmy.
Encouraged, Jimmy continued; “The bottom black ones are in a bad way, but there’s still a lot there. They just need cleaning up. I still see the rainbow ones. A lot of rainbow ones." Jimmy knew to keep his voice soft now, letting wonderment flow through it.
The shining tentacle around Jimmy lifted him hesitantly, like it didn't really matter. He placed him down on the second to top ring closest to his wings. It then wrapped around a load of rainbow feathers and pulled.
Jimmy looked at Cass' face. It was the saddest he'd ever seen him. His massive almond eyes – just two – just had a look of numbness. Dead behind the eyes, thought Jimmy.
Castiel's eyes used to be multi-toned and glistening; enthralling canvases of light oranges and burnt oranges; brightest sun yellows, sweet corals and rich golds - sunset eyes, Jimmy called them - but now they looked plastic. Dying fire.
As the ring Jimmy was sat on rotated around Cass’ body, he noticed that half the periwinkle-colored feathers at the back of his neck were shrivelled, pale indigo – completely dead.
As Jimmy came back around, Cass lifted his wing and they both saw something at the same time, looking like a cluster of spikes - newly grown feathers.
Instantly, the tendril shot towards it and tried ripping them out, but it slipped, completely lacking the dexterity. "Jimmy. Rip this out for me."
"What? No!"
"It will make you feel better. Come on, Amelia is dead, by the way. And Clara hunts demons now. Come here and rip out a pin feather. I’ll give you the strength."
“W-wha- “Jimmy gasped, everything around him spinning in opposite directions to the ring. Cass tried to grab him but Jimmy shook his head clear and scrambled on his hands and knees, moving away by zig zagging and rolling to discourage Cass trying to lift him.
Jimmy cried, "No, Cass! Those are brand-new feathers, attached to your blood supply. Take them out, and you'll bleed to death." Jimmy’s voice was choked.
Cass looked at him with indignant curiosity.
Jimmy got up, "I used to own a bird..." he explained feebly, shrugging and spreading out his hands.
Castiel looked away from him. He sent a bright red lightning bolt from his tendril, aiming for the new feathers with a loud crash of thunder, as if to prove he was not a bird. The whole area shook around them.
"Cass, no!" Jimmy almost screamed, breaking down and sobbing, "please, please don't. I love you! I forgive you! I forgive you for whatever happened to Amelia, and for Claire as well! I forgive you for everything." He got onto his knees and pressed his forehead to the ring, "please, baby."
Jimmy was suddenly desperate not to lose Cass. He was so overcome with a terrible sense of loss already. His life was nothing but loss. He’d never considered Cass could even die. They were supposed to be in this for thousands of years. That was the deal.
In a way, Amelia and Claire had already been grieved over – he could never go back to them without putting them in danger. But Cass was a part of him now. It was too much. Jimmy howled for a while then sobbed. Man, it felt good to cry. Amelia was dead. Claire had grown up - a monster hunter.
Jimmy used to be terrified when he saw demons. He had cried the first time. And now his little Claire was out there seeking them out, on some futile quest for revenge, living her life as a monster hunter - like Dean Winchester. It was so messed-up. He felt sick. Cass was a Fallen Angel. Maybe Cass was dying. Maybe Cass wanted to die.
Jimmy’s whole life was gone.
Slowly, hesitantly, the soft tendrils made of grace pawed gently at his back, eventually running down his body.
"You've gone crazy, I see."
"I’ve always loved you, Cass," Jimmy sniffed, "it never changes." He rolled over onto his back and hugged the tendrils, kissing them reverently, almost worshipfully.
Castiel’s huge eyes got even sadder and more distant, numb. Tears formed. "I'm dead to him, Jimmy." His voice was hollow.
"T-to Dean? He said that?"
"I learned a new emotion. Inside, I feel, dead. So, he's right."
"Cass..."
"Dead everything. Dead spirit. Dead feathers. I died the second he told me that. The fire in my heart went out."
"Why did he say that?" Jimmy made sure to keep his voice soft, petting the tendrils very gently.
The Angel said darkly: "My son - it's a long story - killed his mother. It was an accident - he was having trouble with his power."
Jimmy frowned, suddenly feeling sick, his world going a mile a minute. So, he’s used Jimmy’s body to make a son, had he?
First Jimmy’s life had been wallpapered over with Castiel’s, and Castiel had now stolen a child from him too. Another one of his babies the Angel had taken away. That child was Jimmy’s.
He looked up at the Angel. Had Castiel just built a family life out of the ashes of Jimmy’s? His furious mind was flooded with memories of Claire, his heart breaking.
Castiel winced. "Jimmy, slow down. I did not use your body to make a baby. I would never do that. It was adoption."
“Oh,” Jimmy felt a pang of guilt and unsteadily placed his hand on the Angel’s grace. Then he said, “I believe you about your son’s accident. Dean is a.... well, he's a very frightened man. I think he always feared you and looked for a way to shut you out. It's not your fault, Cass."
"He used to trust me. He used to need my protection. He definitely needs my help. That’s when I can help, that is."
"He wanted to believe you were the thing that could save him."
"I was supposed to be. I let him down."
"Nobody can save a human emotionally. They have to do that themselves."
"You speak as though you are not human. I should let you go back to the material plane."
"You already did," Jimmy kissed the tip of the tendril where it pretty much had its own full, soft lips. The other lips remained passive.
Jimmy continued; "I want to be here. With you. You need your own guardian. You put so much pressure on yourself to look out for Dean, but who looks after you?"
Castiel sighed wearily. He closed his eyes and was quiet for a while, then said: "Why are you being kind to me?"
"I can't stand seeing you in pain."
"You once spent the best part of a year begging me to kill you."
"That doesn't matter now. Sometimes I'm just wild. But I do care about you; will you lift me up so I can get the dead feathers out from the back of your neck?"
"No. I like them. Dead everything. But, Jimmy, remember you have full control and I've retreated further now, so you need to go back into your body and drink some water."
Gosh. Do I even remember how? Jimmy thought, kissing the tendril as soon as the thought arose, as he knew it would hurt Castiel.
"Not funny."
"Quit reading my mind," Jimmy nuzzled Cass' limb, hugging it against his body, "I don't want to leave you."
"I swear I won't remove any more feathers." The Angel’s voice was unsure and unassuming.
"Including the pin feathers?"
"Especially the pin feathers. Please, drink the water."
"I'm going to punch Dean in the face," Jimmy said, suddenly angry.
"That hurts me."
Jimmy snorted, "why? It's not as if it would hurt him – heck, I’d probably just hurt my own hand."
"Because I don't want to hear it." Cass said stubbornly, almost petulantly, his wings fluffing up behind him. Jimmy fell still, looking warily up at him, like a kitten with a kitchen robber.
The Angel was quiet for ages, so Jimmy continued petting the limbs of light with his fingertips, wondering what Cass did want to hear.
The human traced little circles until Cass’ breathing completely relaxed, slow and peaceful.
When his voice came back again, it was soft and light: "I want to hear… I want to hear… You are not dead to Dean, Castiel. He never said that... you simply imagined it."
Castiel had gone so dreamy. Jimmy smiled; he hadn't seen the Angel this way in a long time.
The Angel continued his reverie: "I want to hear: You keep Dean safe, Castiel… and he is very grateful. He needs you, for he carries great pain within him. He is terribly afraid. You ease the pain; you chase away the fear. You teach him he is safe by rescuing him, again and again. One day he'll be able to see you, truly see you – see your real body."
Castiel hummed with pleasure, "He will think you're so radiant he will fall to his knees and weep. He will marvel at the beauty of your voice. He will thank you for saving him; for healing all his damage. You will see the relief and gratitude on his face, watch him flourish – all because of you. And then finally, finally you will see just how vital you are. You matter, you are precious. Oh, how he would suffer without you."
His voice was almost a whisper, Castiel continued: "He will appreciate you more each day, his cherished guardian. His marvellous, astounding dream beside him, sweet miracle of his life. Most worshipped divinity. And your wings will be restored..."
"By God?"
"They will be restored. Majestic and flaring. Dean will be so transfixed that he will reach his fingertips out to touch them and it will feel..."
Still dreamy, Castiel slowly trailed a tendril across his own wings, a place where the feathers were fully intact. Having just synced his own sensations with Jimmy's little body, Jimmy began to feel dizzying pleasure in his own phantom wings. The human moaned in surprise.
"…like this."
Jimmy’s gaze was fixed forward as he dwelled on the sensations, sometimes letting out a low, shuddering breath with it. Bewitching, tingly intertwining feelings that fizzled in his nerves, soothing warmth spreading under the skin of his back, prickling into deeper nerves. Huge, sweeping waves of pleasure engulfing him as Cass repeated the motion a couple more times.
“Oh…” Jimmy shut his eyes.
Castiel had long stopped the action, but Jimmy was still basking in the deep, sweet glow in his back.
Eventually the human said, "t-that's a beautiful sentiment, Cass, really it is. But, do you remember when I first saw you? Do you remember how I wept with joy, down on my knees no less?"
"Why of course I do, baby blue eyes," Cass' voice was almost a purr.
"I don't purr, Jimmy, we've been over this."
Jimmy grinned, "I wanted to weep with joy today in fact; it's been so long since you last let me see your beautiful face."
Cass sent a few appendages down lifted the human, raising him to eye level and lowering his huge eyelids seductively.
Jimmy’s gaze roamed hungrily. Castiel’s head had a crest of feathers. The human couldn’t help thinking he looked like Woodstock, the yellow cartoon bird from Peanuts - probably because the two eyes on his face had no fixed position. The eyes could be be closer together if the Angel was facing forwards to look at Jimmy, or they could be on either side of his head like a bird. He was airy and intangible, shimmery with no fixed being - like a cartoon, a sketch. Although, Castiel's face didn't protrude like Woodstock's beak. The Angel had a catlike face, reminding Jimmy of Mew from Pokemon.
His face was smooth and bare, but the crest was made of fluffy, periwinkle feathers that cascaded backwards towards the back of his neck, like Jimmy’s old cockatoo. However, on the Angel, they fanned out way more, always puffed-up and cascading around his head like a palm tree. The shorter ones hung down cutely at the sides of his face.
Around Castiel’s face were many sun halos in the same shape as his head. There were many surrounding his body too, wide and in that same puzzle-piece shape. They were everywhere, even encircling his feet. They were so bright and too many to count. They hurt Jimmy’s eyes. Sun halos were circles of refracted light caused by ice crystals in the air around his body, Cass had told him. Sometimes they were rainbow.
Towards the front of the Angel’s head there was large cluster of short curls– real hair. It was darkest brown just like Jimmy's, sometimes black. The curls were neat but went in unruly directions, sticking up to the side. Sometimes tiny ones strayed, and cascaded down his forehead.
Jimmy remembered when he used to lay down on Castiel’s head. The feathers of his crest, not being flight feathers, were the softest thing Jimmy had ever felt. Softer than cloud, softer than a baby barn owl. Jimmy liked to lay there, away from all the eyes - though sometimes there was still one soaring above him.
Jimmy couldn’t help reaching out a finger to Castiel’s face, desperate to hold contact.
Sometimes Cass’ skin reminded Jimmy of a firm PVC children’s ball, but other times Jimmy's touch went right through him. He was so airy and see-through. He often just felt like energy against the human's body but Jimmy remembered how, when he lay on Angel’s head, it was firm enough to support him so well. He would bask in the radiant light that shone from there, looking up at the brilliant gold ring spinning at an angle just above them.
The human brushed his fingers against the Angel’s face - now soft, semi-permanent. His cute face. Jimmy shyly avoided his curious gaze, looking down at his longish, delicate neck.
Jimmy couldn’t see them from where he was, but he thought about the fluffy down on the back of his neck, and the soft cluster of periwinkle feathers there, just above where his rainbow wings were folded in. Jimmy remembered dizzily how much Castiel loved to be touched there.
The human looked at Cass’ narrow shoulders where the electric-blue fins flared, and then to his chest. Unlike the rest of Cass’s body, which was very cold, his chest was warm and squidgy - Jimmy remembered, from when he’d been allowed to touch. Jimmy felt his face go hot and swallowed, looking up at the Angel’s face again.
Castiel’s eyes were more like the stunning coral sunsets Jimmy was used to now. Reproachful and smoldering, deep set and almond-shaped on the sides of his face. Castiel turned his head to see Jimmy properly with one eye. A swirl of gold stardust outlined it like thick eyeliner.
Below the corners of both eyes were indigo spots in a symmetrical pattern. He had indigo eyelids, in a graduated tone like actual eyeshadow. His eyelashes were plentiful and thick - inky black. He had eyebrows – golden swirls of star matter.
As he watched Jimmy gazing at him, the Angel basked in the attention. A tiny extra eye appeared on his cheek, bright blue and gazing in wonder exactly like Jimmy's - a mimicry. Jimmy blinked at them intermittently with friendly curiosity and Cass blinked back, copying each one.
Jimmy couldn’t look away. There were golden stars sprinkled across the front of Cass’ face - freckles. There were small indigo spots on each cheek - more freckles.
He didn’t have a nose but Jimmy could see nostrils, very small slits. He did have lips - they were full, rich gold and discreet. Jimmy had wondered if they were merely decorative, as inside his mouth was just more transparent, periwinkle light. Castiel only used his mouth to breath, laugh and smile. The voice came from his heart:
"I thought you hated me."
"Those are your feelings, not mine. Even if you wronged someone, they may not hate you. Neither love or hate are based on what we deserve,” Jimmy said, grandly, then looked uncertain, “Um… wanna bring me closer?"
The Angel brought Jimmy up to his face, and Jimmy was overcome with affection. Before he even realized it, he was kissing Cass’ skin. Jimmy gazed up into his eyes in abject wonder and Cass responded by changing his black pupils into pink heart shapes.
Jimmy kissed him again, slowly, sensually. The Angel hummed contentedly, his electric blue color was fading and the familiar periwinkle was returning.
Jimmy hummed to join him; Castiel’s skin was so satisfying to kiss, the kisses making no indentation or impact, just met with firm, satisfying security. Like kissing a pokemon, Jimmy thought drunkenly.
"What's a pokemon?"
"…Or maybe it's like kissing a ball," Jimmy continued his odd reverie out loud, breathy. "Pokemon are fantasy creatures."
"Biological creatures, I assume."
"Not all of them. Some are probably more ethereal, like you. Though, really, nothing is like you."
"How anyone looks is an expression of their essence," said Cass.
Jimmy laughed heartily. "You love to impress, don't you? You love attention on your beautiful spirit. I think you'd be much more emotionally stable if you just got laid."
Cass tilted his head and squinted at him. All his eyes did, and he lifted his wings and tilted them so Jimmy could see all their collective bafflement.
Jimmy laughed again, "why don't you blink at me?"
Castiel blinked all his eyes, purring.
Jimmy felt a rush of glowing warmth in his heart, "Look at your beautiful essence, manifesting itself as love-heart pupils and freckle stars! Pretty stardust make-up and grace tentacles. Little penguin feet and fluffy lambs' wool clouds. Dreamy, contemplative innocence. You never get to be yourself, do you, in this life you chose? Such a playful, perceptive, lighthearted spirit…" Jimmy kissed him and kissed him.
After a while the human said firmly but nicely, “spread your wings.”
"No."
“Spread them, I said.”
Looking ashamed, Castiel unfurled his rainbow wings, fluffing up his covert feathers defensively, avoiding Jimmy’s eye. All of the secondaries and some of the primaries had been ripped out, there were gaps in his lesser and primary coverts, splattered with blood.
“Hmm. They’re not too bad.”
With an air of deep but completely resigned shame, Castiel brought his wings forward so Jimmy could see the outside of them.
The human gasped. The outer feathers were burned – charred black and distorted, and the whole pair of wings torn completely, as if they’ve been held together and cut vertically.
Castiel showed Jimmy the middle set – they were the same. Somehow, with his gaze downcast and forsaken, Castiel was almost calm; on his face was a look of accepted defilement that ran all through his demeanor. Resigned ruin.
Jimmy suddenly heard his own voice, startling him, sounding hoarse and sick, “c-can you still fly?”
Castiel’s reply was gentle; "What do you think?"
“I am so sorry.”
The Angel looked uncomfortable. "As you can see, it doesn’t matter now, if I defile myself even more than I already have. I’m metaphorically dead, too. Ruined, sullied, useless."
His gaze was so dark. He looked around them, looking captive, trembling, tears welling up in his eyes again. He moved Jimmy aside to avoid drowning him.
Meanwhile, Jimmy’s insides were absolutely smouldering over what Dean had said to the Angel. Just how much had Castiel sacrificed to serve him? Just what had Castiel willingly let Dean do to him?
That monster hunter had used him up and thrown him away. Jimmy felt the white-hot fury rise up inside him before could stop it. He struggled to repress it, shaking.
"Jimmy, just feel it."
Loudly letting out a held breath, Jimmy surrendered to the rage, seething, forcing kisses upon Castiel - who shivered. Still kissing, the human imperiously ran his hands over the Angel’s face. Cass squirmed.
Jimmy kissed at Castiel’s eyes roughly, forcing him to close them.
The Angel’s voice was unsteady: "I feel that you hate me. But also, I’m getting the impression that you still harbor a lot of fondness towards me. But I feel that this fondness is caused by mental trauma, because I stole your body and…well, ruined your life."
Castiel continued; "Not to mention all the torment of living my life with me. I know I forget to feed you. I forget your water. Each year is the worst of your life - maybe they even get progressively worse. But when I show you a small kindness, you become very attached to me. I have trained you to accept abuse by accident."
“Cass; that’s not what happening - there’s been a miscommunication here. Bring me to eye level.”
Castiel obeyed, but then said: "Wait, one second."
Jimmy felt the familiar burst of hot energy in his chest, straining at his ribs; the pounding in his ears and muscles. His heart swelled and pounded strongly, pleasurably. The familiar feeling of Castiel taking over his body. There was a delicious swell in his belly, like a balloon growing - then rising, getting more and more intense until it peaked, his head throbbing along with all his muscles. Jimmy moaned.
The pressure then dissipated coolly through his skin, rapidly cooling him. Now all he felt was an instant of lucidity soothing his mind, like he was treading water.
Floating, Jimmy blinked through his blurry vision at the darkness of the dingy motel room. He felt a bottle of water being thrust into his hand, his other hand prying open his own fingers.
"Drink."
A little unsettled, Jimmy drank, feeling weak and shaky as Cass retreated so the body took in the water properly. Half in control, Jimmy’s feet were so unsteady. “Help me,” he said aloud, “hold me.”
Castiel's voice echoed in his brain, "No, Jimmy, I can’t. Right now, your soul is not in your body – that is not good. It’s here with me. It needs to be with you. The only way to do that is to live in your body fully – eat, drink, do whatever biological thing you need to help your soul feel embodied and safe, and not run away from you. You need to try to coax it back, give it a home."
“Do whatever biological thing…” Jimmy smirked weakly, “yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t ya?” His legs were weak so he grabbed a hold of the bed-frame to keep standing, and started to drain the bottle.
"Slowly, Jimmy."
Jimmy paused for breath, choking a bit. He sipped from the bottle instead, squinting at the label, “Where’d this come from?”
"I left it beside you. Do you need the bathroom?"
“No!”
"Check, Jimmy. Remember your soul isn’t in your body. You can’t just leave your body without care and run away with me."
“Why not? I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be with you.”
"Then you risk all kinds of issues with your identity and self-esteem. It’s already happened, I know, but I won’t let it get any worse now."
Jimmy felt great pressure in his legs as Castiel took them over and walked him forward a few steps.
“Ugh,” the human wobbled and held out his arms for balance, spiritually wriggling free from the Angel’s grasp, “okay, okay! I’m goin’ - lemme go!” Jimmy approached the bathroom with unsure steps of his empty legs. Everything was too light.
When he came back out, he was holding onto the door handle for support, still looking up at the ceiling as he was so used to looking up at Castiel.
Jimmy began shaking more violently, his legs giving way at the immense change in pressure from being somewhat separated from Castiel. His skin clammy and burning.
His body ached and swayed in the weird, empty, not-heavy-enough atmosphere. Floaty. Very Exposed. Vulnerable. He began to feel nauseous and dizzy, his skin throbbing, “C-cass Cass, take me back. Please. Or take me over again. Please; I can’t stand it!”