Chapter Text
The silence inside her house was deafening as she tried to work through all the feelings coming to the surface now that the dust had settled down. The feeling of being overwhelmed wasn't new to her, after 8 years of being a part of theses fantastic kind of stories Iris knew that the it took a while to get back on her feet. Something was different this time though, emptier.
She had felt intense joy after seeing her children, after defeating that insane version of Thawne and winning over the negative still force, even seeing her husband again and jumping into his arms as she was so accostumed to. This was easy, familiar. Unlike the feeling that was nagging her ever since Bart and Nora had left and Barry had to take everyone back to their homes after a little celebrational get together.
Now she was there with no one but her thoughts and it suffocated her. This sadness that wouldn't leave or budge as she recounted all she had seen about her family during her stay in the still force.
Her body moved out of her own volution as she got up from their couch to their bedroom, with her celphone in hand and one thought in mind... she had to get out of there.
Barry came back a few minutes later with a bottle of champagne and some of his wife's favorite appetizers in hand. His chest overflowing with joy of putting one other obstacle behind them.
He was already planning all the things they should expect for the future, how they deserved a vacation and some time alone to reconnect. He felt giddy about the thoughts of picking up their plans of starting a family, knowing his daughter would be a part of their present sooner rather than later.
"Iris? Babe?" he called her as soon as he stepped inside the house, smiling to himself as he heard her from their bedroom.
"Iris, I was thinking we could maybe take a little bath with champagne and enjoy a night in. Make some plans now..." his words died out in his lips as he entered the room, seeing her suitcase on top of the bed as she gathered her things inside it.
"Wha- What's going on?" he asked, frowing. His heart beating fast in his chest as he a bad feeling crept over it.
"I have to get out of here" she said, not looking him in the eyes. Her voice small and hurting.
"Ok I think I can get reservations earlier for that Villa in Monaco you love if you want to get started earlier..." Barry said, trying to reason with her.
"NO. I need to get out of here, Barry. Me. Alone" she said, with more conviction. Meeting his eyes for the first time.
"Why? Babe what's going on" he asked, stepping close to her to reach her shoulders.
Iris then took a step back unconsciously, flinching away.
And he felt it like a stab in his heart, widening his eyes in shock.
"I can't do this, Barry. Not again. Not ever" she said, one tear streaming down her cheek.
"I can't go through this anymore, not when it feels like I'm being erased from my own life. My own family" she continued, crying.
"I could see everything from there you know? all the villains and family gatherings, all the giving up and resigning that you and my dad did" she said, her voice getting higher with each words. Lost in a haze of hurt and anger.
"You didn't even look for me! You just trusted that I was eventually going to get back to you like I was some sort of boomerang that you play with for kicks. You wasted more energy in random strangers showing up at star labs or whatever than in your own wife" She yelled as she looked up to him, watching as his confused expression changed to understanding and horror.
"You got so used to having me as a sure thing in your life that somewhere down the road you forgot I don't just deserve a future, I deserve a present too" her words were pointed and clear, conveying all the angst that was plaguing her heart. All the hurt she had gone through every day since she dissapeared.
"Iris I'm so-" his voice was small and weak, his eyes gathering tears of guilt and pain.
"I don't want your sorry, Barry. I'm tired of it" she interrupted him. "I want a relationship that I know I'll be able to trust my husband not to treat my pain as another tuesday night to manage through with no sense of urgency. I want a dead twisted version of a former fiancee not to be right when he says I can't count on the person I exchanged vows with twice. I want a partner" she continued, her voice losing part of her anger, replaced with sorrow.
"I am your partner, Iris I love you" he pleaded.
"No you are not, Barry. Not right now. Somewhere between bylines and time travelling children you lost sense of what a marriage is supposed to be like. I'm not a sure thing that will be waiting for you whenever you feel like saving, just because we saw what our lives are supposed to be like a couple of years down the road. So right now I gotta get out of here and think things through, we both need to" she clapped back, resolute.
"Think what through? You are not saying..." he questioned, feeling despair stuck on his throat. His words strangled.
She stepped back, turning her back on him to finish packing as she continued to speak.
"Yes I am Bear. I want that life and want our children but not at MY expense. So right now I need to be alone and I need to think about what kind of life I'm going to have and you need it too" she continued. Closing her suitcase as she turned back to him and finished.
"I'm staying with Sue until we can sort this out. I already called her and it seems I can run CCC media smoothly from one of her lofts in Coast City" she spoke softly as she could see the moment her words started to sink in for him.
"So that's it? You are leaving me?" he asked, his tone defeated as he knew he couldn't contest her reasons.
"I'm not leaving you, Bear. I'm just... choosing myself. And hoping that one day you'll be able to choose us too" she said, stepping closer to him and reaching to kiss his cheek.
"I love you, Barry. And I'm sorry" she whispered as she got out of the room.
It took several heartbeats for him to move after that, seemingly drunk on loss as he stumbled to sit on the bed.
All the guilt and pain washed over him as he replayed the last few weeks in his mind. How he promised he would fight for her, how he said he should have helped her sooner. Somewhere along the way he had gotten so caught up in everything he had forgotten how to be a decent husband. Iris deserved better than that, he used to be better than that. So how the hell had everything gotten so out of control?
He felt desensitized from all the bullshit that had happened time and time again, like a doctor losing sight of each individual patient because of years of work. Only it was no excuse. Not for anyone. And especially not for him.
And in the silence of their room he decided he would be better, he would fight for his future not just because some entity had decided he was entitled to it. But because she deserved it, Bart and Nora deserved it too and him... he would work his ass off to be worthy of it again.