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Greetings!
If you are receiving this file, it is because you are scheduled to be a passenger aboard the Marauder. As a senator, ambassador, or attaché to such, you should be aware that this is not a luxury liner. This is a military vessel. Your presence here means that there was no other transportation available. Do not let that worry you. We have never lost a passenger. However, there are a few things you should keep in mind. Depending on your destination, the trip through hyperspace with us may take several rotations. In that event, you will get to know us and our ship rather intimately, as the Marauder is not very large. You will be traveling with soldiers who have been known to have the occasional uncouth moment or episode of questionable behavior. Below is a brief list in no particular order that should be read before coming aboard to clear up a few things beforehand. It will make your stay—figuratively, of course—as painless as possible.
1. The smell is permanent.
2. The smell is organic in origin.
3. The smell will not come out for several washes depending on the fabric.
4. We don’t know why the smell doesn’t bother Hunter and neither does he.
5. We do not carry hypos that temporarily disable one’s sense of smell. Or permanently.
6. The Marauder has no escape pods.
7. To save time, assume any clone not on the Marauder is incompetent.
8. Crosshair’s aim is not a result of the Force.
9. That really is his natural hair color.
10. Assume correctly that anything I say with a smile on my face is the truth.
11. Assume the same with Hunter and Echo.
12. Assume the opposite with Crosshair and Wrecker.
13. The term “going commando” does not mean the same to clones as it does to civilians.
14. If you are looking for something and it is where you would expect to find it, thank Echo.
15. If you find something broken it could have been any of us.
16. If you ask who broke it and the question results in an avoidance of eye contact, Wrecker did it.
17. If you receive a shrug, Hunter did it. Or perhaps Echo.
18. If a smirk accompanies your query, Crosshair did it.
19. If it has been meticulously soldered and is now better than it was before it was broken, I did it.
20. Do not feel obligated to participate in discussions that sound like planned bar fights.
21. From Echo, “I’m working on it” is code for “get comfortable.”
22. Echo CAN get wet.
23. No part of the Marauder is high enough for a “tip-yip fight.”
24. “Topless Taungsday” is not an official thing.
25. “Bottomless Benduday” isn’t either.
26. Hunter really is in charge.
27. If your hand comes in contact with anything you would describe as sticky or slimy, head to the refresher to wash it off immediately.
28. This especially applies if the sticky or slimy item was discovered IN the refresher.
29. Wrecker is incorrect when he claims the refresher is “a good spot to sit and enjoy a meal.”
30. Ignore anyone who insists guests aboard the Marauder are required to clean the refresher at some point during their visit.
31. Do not be alarmed if you find that I am asleep in the cockpit during daylight hours.
32. Do not listen to Crosshair if he claims I am a vampire.
33. Echo and Hunter do not appreciate being referred to as Mom and Dad.
34. The laws of physics do not change once we have cleared the atmosphere.
35. Do not touch Crosshair’s rifle.
36. Do not stare for too long at Crosshair’s rifle.
37. For your safety, give Crosshair’s rifle at least a one-meter berth as you walk by.
38. From Wrecker, “Why don’t you?” may be all the answer you get to certain suggestions.
39. “Pirate music” is both a noun and a verb. Please be specific in your request.
40. Crosshair is quite serious when he says he is making a list of items needed to create his own whiskey in the cargo hold.
41. Hunter sees all of it but has washed his hands of most of it.
42. Do not tell Wrecker a joke when he is lifting our gonk droid over his head.
43. Do not tickle Wrecker when he is lifting our gonk droid over his head.
44. Do not initiate any kind of humorous situation when Wrecker is lifting our gonk droid over his head.
45. Refrain from asking Wrecker how many head injuries he has received involving gonk droids.
46. Snipers, such as Crosshair, find the concept of finger blasters with the accompanying onomatopoeic “pew, pew, pew” to be highly offensive.
47. From Crosshair, “You should probably start running” is a genuine threat.
48. My CT number is not the first eleven digits of pi.
49. If left unattended, my data pad is not to be used as a coaster.
50. Do not ask Crosshair about his other tattoos.
51. Do not ask Hunter how far down his tattoo goes.
52. If Wrecker voluntarily starts undressing to show you his tattoos, feel free to walk away.
53. If you request to see Wrecker’s tattoos you will end up seeing ALL of them.
54. The “Made on Kamino” tattoo is an unfortunate urban myth.
55. My name is NOT short for “technobabble.”
56. The translation software in my helmet does not have a setting to make me sound like I am speaking Basic following an inhalation of helium. (Or Huttese, or Shyriiwook, or Gunganese…)
57. Do not assume an item is safe to eat just because you have observed Wrecker eating it.
58. We do not have the authority to officially name planetary objects.
59. Please refrain from using ration bars to reenact famous lightsaber battles.
60. Mentioning how often Crosshair polishes his weapon will result in laughter at your expense.