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“you thought it was me.”
“…yes. yes, we did, ken,” taichi said quietly, not meeting his gaze.
ken felt himself starting to space out. all of it, all of it was rushing back to him at once and threatening to crush him. he could hardly hear what taichi said next over the ringing in his ears and the dizzy feeling setting in. he grabbed the edge of koushiro’s desk to steady himself.
i’m done. this is it. i can’t come back from it this time. why did i ever think i’d be free of it?
his head hurt.
“we didn’t know- ken? ken, are you listening?” taichi sounded tired. pained. it’s not their fault, he tried to tell himself. it was him. he must’ve done something before that would make it seem likely for him to turn back, right? it wasn’t them. they wouldn’t do that. they were better than him.
“ken, you should sit down. we can talk about this another time if you want, okay?”
ken saw taichi reach for his arm to guide him to the couch.
and something in him snapped.
“you thought it was me?” his voice came out small and gravelly.
“what did you say?” taichi tensed.
“you… you all really thought it was me. even hikari and takeru. they saw what i had to do. they still thought i would go back,” ken let out an uneasy laugh.
“y’know, it’s actually kind of funny,” ken tightened his grip on the desk. “i remember thinking a couple times that it would be like this in the end. but daisuke told me i was okay. he told me that i’d done enough, paid enough for the sins i committed. but it’s never enough. it’ll never be enough.”
taichi backed up a bit. ken grabbed his forehead and the headache grew, but couldn’t stop the words spilling out.
“i never got why you guys even pretended to forgive me. i never deserved it, and i know now that there’s nothing i can really do to ever clear my name, yeah? i’ll- i’ll always be the kaiser, to the digital world, to you. because that’s what i deserve. because nothing i do will ever be enough.”
“ken, no, that’s not what happened. that’s not what we thought, i promi-“
“stop LYING!” ken snapped. he felt tears in his eyes. taichi looked taken aback and heartbroken, but there was something in ken that wouldn’t let him stop.
“you’ve all been lying! everyone! even- even daisuke!” he sniffed. “NOBODY has ever told me how they really feel about me since i’ve joined the group. if you all still don’t trust me, i want to know! please! please just don’t… don’t let me think i’m welcome when i’m not.”
he could feel the adrenaline rush beginning to fade, and he collapsed to his knees. he was crying, he noticed after a couple seconds.
taichi was still looking down at him, eyes wide with a worried expression.
after a moment, ken felt a hand on his back. he could feel himself zoning back in, and quickly tried to wipe his face with his sleeve.
there was silence.
“i’m sorry. i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have said all that-“
taichi pulled him into a hug. the last thing ken had ever expected.
“you didn’t do anything wrong, ken, this one is on us. it’s on me. please, please don’t think we don’t want you around. please,” this time taichi’s voice was strained with held-back tears.
ken had not prepared for this outcome. he had prepared for every other, for screaming and disappointment and rejection. not acceptance.
“daisuke was right. we do forgive you. i forgive you. there’s no excuse for what we did, and i’m not asking you to forgive me,” taichi sighed.
ken didn’t feel convinced. but he was exhausted, and sad, and just wanted to pretend he was okay for a minute.
so he hugged taichi back.