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“It was you.”
The words were bittersweet on his tongue, laced with an emotion Xiao hadn’t felt in so many years that the emotion was assumed to have been lost, eroded away with time. There was only one who could rebirth such vacillation in him – only one who could bring his troubled mind to the hilt.
And it was the one who sat before him now, staring out at the night sky, a cup in hand. “What was me?” he asked.
Humoring him. He wouldn’t admit to it. Both of them knew that, but he humored him. Would let him say the words, even if they stung, even if they caused Xiao’s heart to flutter, turbulent as the organ was.
“You…” and his words ran cold. His mind was like a storm, the debris of his memories whirling around inside like a tornado, destruction everywhere the unsaid admission went. Because to admit that he’d hoped for him… Needed him. Was thankful for him. Those words would tear him apart.
The man stood now. He wouldn’t look at the Adeptus, but he would silently beckon him to his side.
Xiao experienced no fear… But now. Approaching his archon, for what could be the final time… After what felt like a millennium apart. To stand next to him – not looking on as an observer. But to close the gap between them, to feel him again.
Xiao took his first step forward, terrifying as it was. He could feel the nervousness well inside of him. Rex Lapis was someone that he never would defy, only let himself be led by. Morax raised his hand, outstretching it. He gazed at the nighttime cityscape, still languidly sipping from his cup as Xiao slowly, cautiously moved towards him.
Just as he found himself beside the taller man, he flinched, feeling Morax’s hand come gently down atop his head. He held it there a moment before running his gloved fingers over the hair. Hair he hadn’t felt in so long it almost felt foreign to him.
But the way Xiao leaned into his touch, his eyes fluttering closed. That was oh so familiar.
Just one touch from Rex Lapis and it was as if everything in the world had fallen into place again.
His archon. The one who gave him purpose, a name. And now, the only one left who could really understand him – his past – the suffering that raged inside of him every second of every day. Rex Lapis.
Dare he beg? Dare he ask? That once more, Rex Lapis adorn him in affection?
He opened his mouth to speak, body going stiff when those sharp brown eyes turned to look at him at last.
“What is it you want from me?” the man asked. There was intimidation in his tone. But beneath it, an expectant softness that caused Xiao’s knees to tremble.
Xiao’s mouth snapped shut. And for a moment, he considered running. It was foolish of him to come here, to expect more without having to beg for it, without having to make a fool out of himself to get it.
The gloved hand slid down to his cheek, cupping it, a gentle caress of the skin with a single thumb. Xiao’s mouth opened again and the gloved thumb slipped inside, gently gliding over his teeth, his tongue, waiting for the words to finally form.
“Go on, Xiao. Speak.”
And Xiao met his intense gaze, a frown before the words broke free at last, “One last time.”
“One last time what?” Morax asked. There was a smile spread across those powerful lips of his.
“I need you.”
Morax chuckled, prying Xiao’s jaw open just a little more. “So you haven’t forgotten what I like to hear. But why should I?”
“Because I–”
“You already asked me for ‘One last time’. Don’t you remember?”
Xiao snapped his head away, his fists clenching. “You won’t do it?”
“Why should I?” he asked. The words echoed in Xiao’s mind. Why should he? Why did he owe Xiao this comfort? He had already saved him. What more could Xiao truly expect?
“Because you left–” the words finally escaped. Rex Lapis had left him. Let Xiao presume him dead, all alone. Left Xiao to pick up the pieces. Even if he’d assumed Xiao would know he was alive. The pain… The pain was all the same. Xiao could only wonder if he was wrong, second guess himself, grow more and more distraught until he couldn’t take it anymore.
And now, Xiao had learned that Bosacius really had died.
He could only take so much grief, only accept so much pain before he…
He collapsed to his knees, his head hanging low.
His life was so long. Full of so much sorrow. He was losing himself.
He had wanted to die, hoped to die.
Because at least if he was dead, it would finally be over.
The pain.
It would finally be gone.
“Help.” he whispered, the word coming out broken, hoarse. “Please.”
If he hadn’t saved him, then… he would’ve finally been free. He was so grateful but at the same time…
“Why?” His hands clenched into fists, nails digging into his palms. “Why would you save me?”
“It isn’t your time yet, Xiao.”
“No!” Xiao said, “How can you decide that?” He looked up at the stoic man now, a fire in his eyes, “Why didn’t you save them, too? Why am I all alone? Why did you–” he was rambling, making a complete idiot of himself in front of the one man he never wanted to. And yet, he continued. His heart spoke, his jumbled thoughts spilling out, “You left me. So why didn’t you just… let me go.”
“You’re still needed.”
“It should have been me.” Xiao said, the words coming out acidic, a horrid taste left on his tongue. “It should have been…”
That gloved hand reached out to him again. This time it took him under the arm, pulling him to stand, Xiao quickly finding himself absorbed in his warmth. His face pressed against the smooth fabric of Morax’s suit, the cold fabric covering his warm face. And he allowed himself to melt into him, to submit himself completely to Morax’s touch.
“Quiet, now.” Morax whispered into him, his hands moving to caress Xiao’s limp body in the way he knew the Adeptus craved. “Your duty… There is still so much for you to do, Xiao.”
Xiao’s lips formed the words, yet they hardly came out, “I’d like to make a final request.”
Somehow, the other man still heard him. He always did. “Tell me.”
Xiao swallowed down his hesitation. This was his one chance. He would ask. Even if he knew the answer was no. Even if he had already used his last chance a century ago. He would ask. “Touch me.”
“Would that make you feel better?” Morax asked.
Xiao nodded, finally lifting his arms and wrapping them around Morax’s waist. “One last time.”
Morax reached down, taking Xiao by the chin and tilting his head up, forcing the teary-eyed Adeptus to look him straight-on. “For you,” he said, “There is no last time.” He ran his thumb over his cheek once more, catching the tears as they fell, “You’re mine. I will take care of you, Xiao.”
His hand reached the small of Xiao’s back as he leaned down, planting the most gentle of kisses against the quivering lips. Xiao tried to pace himself, to let his archon guide him, but he couldn’t. Not when he was so thankful, not when he was so desperate. So lost. So afraid. He wrapped his arms around Morax’s shoulders, standing on the tips of his toes as he pressed their lips together again, more firmly. Urgently. The cup clattered to the floor, Morax placing his hands beneath Xiao’s bottom and lifting him, the Adeptus instinctively curling his legs around his waist as the man carried him inside, calmly walking between rooms until they reached his bedroom, gently laying Xiao down onto his bed.
Xiao stared up at him, eyes going wide for a split second as Morax’s large hand reached for his belt, carefully undressing him, articles of clothing stripped away until Xiao was naked and exposed before the man who knew him more intimately than anyone else. He was unabashed under the heat of his gaze. Yet even still, his nose was kissed red with the sting of his tears. He reached a hand up, and Morax took it in his, threading their fingers together as he undid his own jacket, letting go of Xiao for a moment to place it aside before coming right back to him, hovering over him, that familiar look in his eyes as he leaned down, kissing Xiao once more.
How long had it been?
Xiao wondered this as his archon finally graced him with the heat of his tongue, pushing it into his mouth.
One hundred years? Two hundred? Three...?
Yet despite that… The way Rex Lapis touched him – The way he felt pressed against him. It was as if no time had passed at all.
Morax pulled away from their kiss, eyelids heavy as he pressed two gloved fingers firmly against the opening of Xiao’s mouth. Xiao hesitantly obliged, a strangled noise as the fingers shoved deep inside, so deep that Xiao gagged, a coating of saliva washing over the fabric as the larger man pulled his fingers out, sitting back on his heels.
Ah. So he was going to do it this way?
Xiao had asked to be touched… He hadn’t asked for more. Regrettably, he wouldn’t have expected himself to manage that, and his archon wouldn’t do any more than he’d initially begged for. Stubborn as he was. He wouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of letting him feel warm flesh inside of him. No, he’d touch him through his gloves, as he had before, the previous time.
And to Xiao’s dismay… that was usually enough. More than enough.
“Breathe.” his archon said. For he had always had trouble remembering to do that.
Xiao tried, but as soon as a finger pressed against his entrance his breath hitched, eyes clenching shut. “S-sorry…” he apologized, instinctively, before the other man could scold him.
Instead, he laughed. Warmly, a deep hum emanated from his chest as he pressed the finger inside, Xiao’s legs lifting.
It hurt. Especially when the fabric scraped against his walls while the finger pulled back. But both of them knew Xiao didn’t mind it. Because after it hurt… It would start to feel so, so good.
Xiao had always wondered what Rex Lapis – or Zhongli as he called himself now – got out of this. Rarely would he ever actually pleasure himself during it. And never had he allowed Xiao to see him laid bare, to see what lay beneath the raised fabric of his pants – to explore the hardness between his legs.
Could Xiao really be so brave as to ask that he finally let him see?
The man continued on, pressing in and out of Xiao with a single finger until finally Xiao relaxed enough for him to work in a second – and that’s when Xiao became vocal.
He tried to stop it, but little grunts spilled out of his mouth as Morax eased both fingers inside of him over and over again, Xiao’s head tilting back. Rex Lapis had always been so minimalistic in the way he touched him. Clinical and distant. Just the essentials – what he knew Xiao needed to feel good.
So would it be selfish of Xiao to ask that just this once he did more? Because today wasn’t just any ordinary day. Xiao was completely broken, and he needed–
“More.” he whispered, startling as Morax’s eyes immediately snapped up to his.
“Speak, Xiao.” he replied simply, continuing his movements, “Tell me what it is that you need.”
Need?
Was it need?
Yes, Xiao needed, “More. Please.”
“What is more, Xiao?” Morax asked. He was being so patient. So gentle. He’d never hurt Xiao if he could help it. Not directly, at least. Never intentionally. He’d never do more than what he thought Xiao could handle.
How could Xiao ask this? After all these years, and only just now he was going to plead with him for more? He reminded himself of who he was, all that he had endured in his long life. And he spoke. “Allow me to touch you.”
Morax paused for a moment. His body froze, like he was deeply contemplating something. “Are you sure?” he asked.
Xiao nodded, “Please.”
And Morax smiled wider than Xiao thought possible. “It’s well past time for you to make this request, Xiao.” he chuckled, “But I accept, nonetheless.”
Xiao’s eyes couldn’t have gone wider as his archon reached a hand down, undoing the first buckle of his belt. He snapped his gaze away, clenching his eyes shut.
He was going to do it? Just like that? As if there hadn’t been a mystery behind him for centuries that Xiao had never been allowed to see?
“Watch, Xiao.” Morax said.
“Why?” Xiao asked. But he wasn’t asking why he wanted him to watch. He was well aware of that, and he did as he was told, peeking through the gaps in his fingers as Morax unveiled himself to him. No, he was asking why – Why was he willing to do this now?
“This will be the last time we share a moment like this. I can feel it. You’re going to run from me after this. Aren’t you, Xiao?” He was smiling while he said it, while he pulled himself free from his suit pants. But there was an odd look in his eyes.
Xiao swallowed hard, a short nod. Of course he was. Because Xiao wanted to stop burdening him. He hated relying on him. He hated that even now, getting exactly what he wanted from Rex Lapis, he still felt like his archon only responded to him out of pity. He was almost certain that Rex Lapis would never have touched him for his own enjoyment. Only when he needed to make the spiraling Xiao feel better.
So why? Why was he going against the idea that Xiao had spent centuries building in his head? Why now was he giving Xiao everything he ever could have dreamt of? Why was he going to finally enjoy himself when Xiao was planning to leave?!
Why now? Why not before? Why? Why did everything have to be so bittersweet…?
Xiao’s eyes welled with tears again. He quickly wiped them away, before Rex Lapis could see. But he was too late.
He leaned forward, taking Xiao’s hand in his and guiding it between his legs. “Go on, Xiao.” he said softly.
He was being so nice to him. Part of Xiao hated it. Because now the guilt was setting in.
“Do you want this?” Xiao asked. His eyes had become dark, overcast with remorse. “Tell me.”
As if Morax could read his mind, he grabbed Xiao, bundling him up in his arms and pulling him onto his lap, holding him tightly. He tilted his face up by his chin again, pressing soft kisses against his lips over and over again, until Xiao couldn’t take it. That burning behind his eyes won, his lips trembling until he finally sobbed, clinging onto Morax as he had long ago.
“Do you want this?” Morax asked. And he wiped his tears again, kissing the strays away. “This is for you.”
“N-no!” Xiao objected, teary-eyed as he met Morax’s soft stare. “I don’t want it to be for me. I want you to…” To what? “...to want me, too.”
The man let out a small exhale, “Do you think I don’t?”
Xiao nodded, quickly, desperately. He wanted Rex Lapis to tell him he was wrong, to promise him that he wanted this too, had always wanted the same. His chest heaved as too many moments passed by. He felt it. He was going to run. If one more second passed that Rex Lapis repaid him with silence, he would teleport as far away as his body could carry him. And he would never look ba–
“Xiao.” Morax whispered, tearing Xiao out of his panicked mind. “I saved you… because I can’t bear the idea of losing you.” He took Xiao’s face in both hands now, holding him so close that Xiao struggled to think. “We’ve both lost so many. And it hurts every time, doesn’t it?”
Xiao sniffled, nodding again.
“So stay with me, Xiao. Close to me. I’ll take care of you. If the pain is ever too much–”
“Morax.” Xiao sobbed, pulling away from the archon’s hands and burying his head in his chest. He held him tightly. He couldn’t hear him say those words again. Or he would do it. He would stay… and this time, he would never leave.
“Do you want this?” Morax repeated.
“I need it.” Xiao whispered into him. It was silent for a moment before Xiao gasped, Morax’s large hands lifting him by his bottom and pressing something hard against his hole. Xiao immediately flustered, looking up at him just as he felt it. His mouth opened wide, eyes rolling up before he groaned, loudly, clutching onto his archon as he pushed deep inside of him, inch by inch until Xiao cried out, slumping into the other man.
His breathing became labored and he struggled to catch his breath. It was so big – he was so full! Rex Lapis’s fingers had never made him feel so full, he was so warm and full and–
“Nngh–” Morax went, a harsh breath as Xiao clenched around him.
It was the first sound Xiao had ever heard him make. His pupils dilated, a hard swallow before he did his best, raising his hips slightly before sinking down further onto his archon’s cock. Morax moaned again, louder this time. And a shiver ran up Xiao’s spine.
He was… enjoying himself?
Slowly, Xiao began to ride him, even with how difficult it was, even with how much it strained him, how powerless he felt subjected to something so foreign. Each movement caused little moans to fall from the other man, gritted teeth as he grabbed Xiao by the waist.
“Slow down.” he whispered. And Xiao lost it.
He held his archon by the shoulders, riding him with urgency, lust dripping from his tongue.
Now it felt good.
This is exactly what he had wanted, what he had needed–
Morax couldn’t keep quiet. His tongue ran across his bottom lip as he watched Xiao take all of him, all the way to the base. His lips parted, like he wanted to speak, wanted to tell Xiao something. But instead, he leaned in, pressing their lips together, Xiao whimpering against their messy kiss.
Xiao was overflowing with emotion. They were so raw. Swirling around inside of him like a vortex as he rode him, felt his hands hold him so sweetly, moving along with Xiao’s body as to not let him exert himself too much. Even now, his archon was protecting him, comforting him, doing this just so Xiao could feel whole again.
“Morax.” he whispered. The name dripped from his tongue – the second time tonight. He was only allowed to call him that name in moments like this. Because Morax loved the sound of it.
“Alatus,” the archon breathed, “Yes, Alatus.”
Xiao was his… He belonged to him. Xiao would always be by his side. Even if he had wanted to run… had wanted to die. How could he willingly part from Morax?
“Please,” Xiao begged, “Tell me. Am I… a burden to you?”
“You never have been.”
And one more question, the thing he was scared of most. “Have I been driven to insanity?”
“Does that concern you?” Morax asked.
“Yes.” Xiao replied simply.
He pinned Xiao down to the bed, pressing his legs up before shoving inside of him once again. Xiao’s breath hitched, a strained groan as the other man built up a rhythm.
“We will both be lost to one thing or another. Erosion, insanity. But, Xiao?”
“Yes?” Xiao asked, his eyes glazing over, intense pleasure welling in the bottom of his stomach. He wouldn’t last much longer. He never did.
“I’ll never stop wanting you at my side.”
There was something neither of them was saying. They could both sense it. Neither of them would dare say it, even in their final breath.
“Morax.” Xiao grunted out and it was all he could say before Morax wrapped his hand around his shaft, stroking him hurriedly, sensing Xiao had met his limit. His pleasure spiked, shooting straight to his groin. His palms pushed against Morax’s strong frame, back arching as the archon continued on, holding Xiao firm by the hip as he fucked into him with every ounce of strength he had. He pushed Xiao past his dry orgasm, past his squirming haze, and he eased him into another, one that came almost painfully as Xiao cried out, “Morax–” met on deaf ears.
“Come on, Xiao.” he whispered, “Again.”
And Xiao choked on air, his entire body trembling before the third came shockingly fast. The feeling crawled up his body in intense waves until eventually, he collapsed back onto the mattress, completely spent. He had finally cum. His body felt light as air, mind gone quiet. Through his cloudy stupor, he reached up, grabbing Morax’s undershirt and holding him close.
It was easy to tell what he wanted. Morax pulled out of him, taking him and cradling his limp body in his arms once again.
“You’re okay.” he whispered into him, dotting a kiss in his hair. And then, exactly what Xiao had wanted to hear, “Yes. I want you, too.”
Xiao was too tired to react or say much of anything at all. The most he could manage was to clutch onto him just a little tighter.
“You’ve never been a burden. I would save you again and again if it meant I got to spend just one more second with you at my side.” He ran his bare hands through Xiao’s hair, a soft touch that brought the Adeptus true peace. “To try and save your friends, even if it meant your own end. Ah, as much as I wish you’d try and think things through just a little more… I’m proud of you.”
Xiao’s body stiffened at that. Praise? How long had it been since he had praised him?
“I know that it was the best outcome you could think of. And for that, I am so impressed with you, Xiao. But understand – that I saved you… Because that was the best outcome I could think of.”
Xiao’s eyes went wide, and suddenly he gained enough strength to back away, to look his archon in the eyes.
There was a somber expression on his face. “If the pain is ever too much…” he trailed off, a weary smile, “...give some of it to me. I’ll help shoulder your pain. Until the end.” He reached a hand up, intending to pat Xiao on the head.
But just before it could make contact, Xiao teleported away, fully clothed, back to Wangshu Inn. He sat atop the roof, curling into himself, his arms hugged around his knees.
He would return to his archon.
But those words… they intimidated him. He couldn’t do what Rex Lapis had asked even if he tried.
Maybe he was going insane.
He hugged himself a bit tighter, a feeble exhale as Rex Lapis’s words replayed in his head.
“I’m proud of you.”