Chapter Text
Goodbye.
At this point, Mei is very familiar with this word.
Mei remembers saying goodbye to the 4*Town concert.
It would’ve been too loud anyway.
Mei remembers saying goodbye to her friends.
It would’ve been too hard to keep them anyway.
Mei remembers saying goodbye to the panda when she looked at herself in the mirror.
It would’ve been too inconvenient anyway. No. It would’ve been too dangerous anyway.
Mei recalls getting angry the night she found out that the ritual would also be the same day as the 4*Town concert. Mei recalls Tyler demanding a ride from Mei’s panda form when she wasn’t in the mood. Mei recalls her and Tyler arguing until she jumped off the roof and attacked him. After that, Mei’s mother was called to Tyler's house. After that, her mother scolded her friends for rotting Mei's brain to get 4*Town tickets. Mei remembers falling silent before being taken home.
Goodbye.
Mei remembers being called to start the ritual. She recalls settling into a circle made of chalk and Mister Gao telling her to let the harmonizing voices guide her to the astral realm. Mei recalls focusing on the voices. She recalls her spirit going out of her body and into the heavens, straight to the astral realm. Mei remembers the bamboo sticks and Sun Yee's ghost forming a mirror for Mei to go through.
Mei remembers touching the mirror with her hands and the way her paws appear from the opposite end when she glanced back once. She remembers her initial hesitation before facing forward and going into the mirror with as much force as she could muster. She remembers the unbearable pain as she pushes herself through.
Sometimes, she wonders what would’ve happened if she turned around one last time to look at the panda leaving her. Would she have changed her mind?
Once the ritual was completed and her grandmother Wu and the aunties left the temple, Mei remembers an empty feeling. It is ironic that since the red panda spirit has been sealed, Mei now wants nothing to do but hide. She doesn’t want to go to school. She doesn’t want to help at the temple. In fact, she doesn’t even want to leave her bedroom.
But she still does. Two years later and she still does. Because life isn’t about doing whatever you want at someone else’s expense. It’s about making sure everyone is happy.
Except for her.
She’s spent her entire life trying to honour her parents. Especially to honour her mother. Now she has to also honour her grandmother. To honour all of the women in her family. Does Mei even deserve to honour herself?
"Mei, erase it if you want, but this side of you… made me laugh."
As much as Mei appreciates her dad for trying two years ago, she wanted to erase her panda to stop the fear and the horrible flashbacks of her red panda harming Tyler. Perhaps the decision was impulsive and driven by emotion. But even putting that aside, she’s learned that being emotional is dangerous for her. Emotions are dangerous for her. Because of this, Mei ultimately believes erasing that side of her was for the best.
Her body, however, seems to disagree. Now that she barely feels anything, she occasionally catches herself wishing she could. She can’t focus on anything else until she finds herself engaging in anything to fill that craving. Even without her panda, her actions almost have a consequence.
Mei fucked up and she got away with a mistake without consequence. Maybe she deserves one. A consequence.
Tonight, Mei dials. The phone rings. No answer.
Mei texts. Text sent. No answer.
Mei dials again. The phone rings. No answer.
Mei texts again. No answer. And again. No answer.
What is she even expecting?
Maybe she should just erase all of her at this point. Maybe that’s the consequence.
Her wrist stings.
Goodbye.
That’s the last thought Mei remembers having before she opens her eyes to a very white and bright ceiling.
“Mei-Mei…? Oh– Jin, she’s awake! Oh, Mei-Mei!”
“... Mom?” Mei croaks out.
Ming holds Mei’s hand. “I’m here, mommy’s here.”
“... Where is here?”
“The hospital,” Jin says softly, putting a gentle touch over Mei’s other hand on the other side of the hospital bed.
“Dad?”
“How do you feel, Mei?”
Mei feels almost nothing. To be frank, she hasn’t had any strong feelings since she lost erased her panda. She hasn’t had any strong feelings about not having any friends. She hasn’t had any strong feelings about staying after hours in the classroom two months ago with–
If anything, despite the warm hands of her parents, Mei feels cold.
With a hand still over Mei, Ming uses her free hand to press the nurse button. “Why isn’t the nurse coming?? I’m going to look for the nurse and doctor, okay, I’ll be right back.”
Mei feels her mom’s hand leave. When Ming walks out, Mei closes her eyes.
“Mei?” Jin is worried.
Mei still feels her dad’s hand. “I’m okay… Just sleepy…”
“Okay,” he squeezes her hand, “That’s okay.”
…
Everyone will leave me.
That’s the thought that triggered Miriam to spiral into a panic that morning.
Everyone will fucking leave me.
Miriam is dizzy as she grips the school’s bathroom sink. After she catches her breath, she turns on the tap and splashes water on her face.
You’re okay.
When she meets Priya in the hallway, Miriam is mostly her usual self again.
Priya crosses her arms and eyes Miriam.
Miriam stills. Can Priya tell that something is off?
“Let me guess. You forgot and left your cell phone in your locker overnight again ?”
Miriam relaxes. “How’d you know?”
“Abby was trying to reach you. She even called the freaking landline at your house but, apparently, you weren’t home.”
“Sorry, I was out with my dad.” It’s been almost a year since Miriam's dad moved out of the house.
“Okay, okay. But you keep losing shit. You need to get your act together, girl.”
“I know, don’t judge,” Miriam sighs as they both continue to roam the halls, “You think Abby’s mad? I probably missed a fuck ton of texts from her last night.”
“You’re good,” Priya assures her, “As long as you have her textbook that you borrowed.”
“That’s… also probably in my locker.”
“It better be. She’s supposed to get her grades up so that she can still do the dance competition next month.”
“Hey, I need to get my grades up too, you know. My mom’s been grilling me at home about it.”
“We all know.”
Overall, Miriam is thankful to be going to the same high school as her best friends – Priya and Abby. She’s even more thankful that they’ve been dealing with her shit for the last couple of years because she knows she can be forgetful. She also knows she has become increasingly impatient and impulsive. And as much as Abby and Priya express that they love to engage in Miriam’s spontaneity just as much as she does, they do call her out on her bullshit and help her pull back when needed.
And, of course, Miriam doesn’t ever hesitate to return the favour.
They see Abby around the corner getting into an argument with Tyler in the hallway.
“The lovebirds are fighting again?” Miriam comments. She never expected the two of them to begin dating after grade nine. Miriam doesn’t know what exactly Abby sees in him. But, if anything, Abby is always good at keeping Tyler in line when he does something stupid. And he always does something stupid. Abby is bound to leave him. Or he'll leave him before she can. Because everyone leaves. Everyone always leaves–
Don’t think that.
The fight doesn’t faze Priya in the slightest. “I’ll break them up.”
“I can do it this time," Miriam offers.
“Just get your phone. And Abby’s textbook. That’ll calm her down.”
“Fine. Good luck.”
“Knock it off, you two," Priya says as she approaches Abby and Tyler, "What is it this time?”
“He started it,” Abby claims.
Tyler blinks. “How the hell did I start anything?”
“All I’m asking for is the truth, you weren’t at basketball practice yesterday, so where did you go?”
“I was uh... Hey, Mister Henderson!” Tyler shouts out to avoid this conversation.
“Good morning you three.”
Abby sighs. “Hi, Mister H.”
But Priya becomes a statue when Mister Henderson greets them.
𝙳𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚢 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚕 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚑𝚒𝚖.
Priya ended up listening to the text she received a few days ago. She holds her breath. She doesn’t move.
Tyler eyes Priya, noting the tension followed by the relaxation once Mister Henderson walks away. “You… good?”
“… Huh?” Priya looks at Tyler.
“I asked if you’re good.”
“Oh. Yeah, I’m good. Come on, let’s just go back to Miriam.”
“Sure,” Abby starts to walk ahead with Priya, “Coming, Ty?”
Tyler waves his hand. “Bathroom first.”
“Fine, catch us later.”
Miriam meanwhile opens her locker. She sees the photos she taped on the inside of her locker door. Photos of her, Priya, Abby, and Tyler at the 4*Town concert from two years ago. That concert rocked their socks off.
She does feel bad that Priya and Abby did get in trouble with their parents for attending. The two didn’t exactly have permission . Both of them insist it was worth it. They had all screamed at the top of their lungs that night.
“4*Town forever!”
“Wait, is that…” Miriam remembers spotting him first.
Then Abby’s voice rang through the crowd. “Tyler??”
Yeah. That’s where they saw Tyler — the ex-school bully who turned out to be a closet 4*Townie. That’s how he ended up joining their friend group after Mei left and—
Fuck. Don’t think about her now.
Although come to think of it, she hasn’t seen the goody-two-shoes pass by yet today. Must be her lucky day.
She grabs Abby’s textbook. Woohoo. History.
Underneath the textbook is Miriam’s cellphone. The battery is almost dead, of course. She quickly checks her texts from Abby before the phone battery dies.
𝚞 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚝𝚎𝚡𝚝𝚋𝚘𝚘𝚔?
𝚒 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚌𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚜 𝚝𝚖𝚛.
𝚙𝚕𝚣 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚞 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗’𝚝 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚒𝚝.
𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚞 𝚊𝚝 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚛?
𝚞 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚞𝚛 𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗’𝚝 𝚞?
Yup. Abby knows Miriam so well.
Miriam also has a missed call from Mei.
Wait. Double take. What?
Miriam also sees two texts from Mei after the missed call.
𝙸𝚝’𝚜 𝙼𝚎𝚒. 𝙲𝚊𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎?
𝙽𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍. 𝙸𝚐𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜. 𝙷𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕.
Miriam stares at the text messages. What the fuck? It’s been two years since she heard anything from Meilin Lee, their ex-best friend. Sure, Mei was also still at the same school as them — what a hell of a coincidence, eh? — but Mei never gave so much as a look towards their way anymore. No hellos. No goodbyes. No waves. No glances. No apologies. Mei’s too good for them these days.
So why now? Why a fucking text now?
“Did you hear Meilin Lee tried to kill herself last night?”
A one-eighty-degree turn later has Miriam in front of two girls by the lockers. “What did you say?”
The two girls startle when they make eye contact with Miriam.
“I said what the fuck did you say?” Miriam repeats.
The girl on the left speaks up. “Meilin Lee is in the hospital. Do you know her?”
“What’s going on?” Abby asks when she and Priya join Miriam and the two locker girls.
After a pause, they finally hear the story. And, long story short, someone at their school saw an ambulance in front of the Temple. Someone else passing by claimed they saw Meilin Lee on a gurney. And the rumours escalated from there.
But there’s no way, right? Maybe Mei got injured and had to be hospitalized. Which… Okay, that wouldn’t be great.
Or maybe Mei got really sick and had to be hospitalized. Which wouldn’t be great either.
Come on. She wouldn’t, right? She wouldn’t do that, right?
𝙸𝚝’𝚜 𝙼𝚎𝚒. 𝙲𝚊𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎?
But what did she want?
𝙽𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍. 𝙸𝚐𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜. 𝙷𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕.
𝙷𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕.
𝙷𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕.
Miriam doesn’t feel well. She thinks she’s going to be sick, in fact.
“Miriam?” Abby is about to put a hand on her shoulder.
But Miriam runs. Priya and Abby call out her name. Miriam keeps running. It’s been two years since Mei didn’t come to their defense after Ming – Mei’s mother – accused Miriam, Abby, and Priya of corrupting and taking advantage of Mei. At this point, Miriam hadn’t forgiven Mei for what happened at the party solely out of Miriam’s own stubbornness. She wanted an apology from Mei. No, she expected an apology from Mei.
Okay, she never went and asked for an apology from Mei. A part of Miriam had faith in Mei’s character and that Mei would come to them. But Mei never came. Mei never gave that apology. Mei never spoke to them ever again.
And now it’s been two years.
Two fucking years.
Two years since the 4*Town concert they went to without Mei.
Two years since Mei’s ritual to seal her red panda spirit away.
Two years since Miriam held onto Mei’s stupid Tamagotchi – left behind at Tyler’s birthday party – and took care of it until the battery died.
Two years since Mei fell out of their friend group.
Two years of passing her in the hallways, seeing her in a couple of mutual classes, excelling with the perfect grades, kissing up to the teachers, and engaging with all of the academic extracurricular activities that would make any parent proud.
Mei ditched and turned her back on all three of them.
Mei tossed them aside to live a perfect, untainted life.
What did they do? They decided to live their lives without her, and they were happy enough without her.
And now Mei tries to fucking kill herself?
Miriam trips over her own feet and her hands break her fall on the pavement. Then her fists hit the pavement. She hits the ground again.
And again.
And again.
Fuck.
Fucking fuck.
Priya grabs her hands. “You’re bleeding.”
Miriam stops immediately while Priya tenderly begins to take out a first aid kit from her own bag — of course, she’s prepared — and takes care of Miriam’s hands right then and there.
Another hand falls on Miriam’s shoulder, prompting Miriam to look up.
“Let’s go to her house,” Abby says, “See for ourselves if it’s true?”
The gentle tone from Abby is unfamiliar. Abby isn’t gentle. But instead of pointing that out, Miriam nods in agreement. It’s not that Miriam particularly cares about Mei. She’s just incredibly curious and hates not having answers. That’s why she ditches school with the girls.
…
Tyler’s leg is shaking during class.
“Tyler. The answer?
“... Huh? What?” What class is this again?
“The answer to my question?”
“Oh uh… I uh– I don’t know.” He can’t think of an answer. All he can think about is the rumours he heard before class started about Mei trying to kill herself.
“... You need to do better, Tyler.”
“Sorry, Mister Henderson…”
First, Tyler heard that Mei overdosed. Then, he heard that she tried to hang herself. He even heard that she sliced her neck open with a kitchen knife. Clearly, all of them can’t be true at the same time.
The girls aren’t answering his texts. Where did they go after he left them in the hallway? How much did they hear?
Tyler abruptly stands up from his desk, ignoring the stern words directed his way, and runs out of the classroom.
…
The three girls stand in front of the temple’s closed sign. It isn’t a good sign. They’re never closed during the day.
Then Miriam follows Abby and Priya as they wander outside of Mei’s bedroom window. Miriam is reminded of the time Ming – Mei’s mom – got into a fight with school security and Mei immediately disappeared from their classroom. Along with Abby and Priya, Miriam had visited Mei at her house by her bedroom window – just like now – to see if Mei was okay.
When was the last time they checked if Mei was okay?
"We thought you died of embarrassment!" Miriam had said to Mei through the window.
She tries to shake away the memory.
"We thought you died of embarrassment!"
"We thought you died of–"
"We thought you died—”
“I don’t think she’s home,” Priya finally breathes out, “Or that anyone is home.”
What are the chances Mei still leaves her window unlocked?
Miriam pulls the window up.
“Miriam!” Abby whispers sharply.
“What? Let’s go in then.”
The three girls all climb into Mei’s bedroom. As they sit on Mei’s bed together, they peer around the room.
“It… looks mostly the same,” Priya comments.
Abby nods in slight agreement with Priya. “But… it’s almost…”
“Darker?” Miriam finishes.
“I was going to say empty… But yeah, that too.”
Both seemed to accurately describe what they were seeing. Mei’s window curtains have changed from a bright yellow to a darker brown that blocks out most of the sunlight. The shelves above her headboard are still there. But her cute plushies are gone. The hanging frame, which used to hang next to Mei’s bed, was gone. In fact, any poster that used to be hanging on her wall was gone. They can’t seem to remember which posters or which photo.
The floor mirror is covered with a bedsheet. When Abby stands up and pulls it off, the mirror is broken.
“ Shit,” Miriam breathes as she stands up and walks closer, “Guess she got seven years of bad luck.”
“If she was the one who broke it,” Priya points out.
Miriam wanders toward Mei’s desk. It’s still in the same spot, although now covered with more textbooks and sticky notes than before. There’s a mini calendar with yesterday’s date. Guess Mei didn’t have time to change it if she--
Then Miriam sits in Mei’s wheely chair. It’s uncomfortable. Noticing a photo frame facing down on the desk, Miriam flips it back up.
“There isn’t even a photo in this.”
No response.
“Guys? Where’d you go?”
“Hallway!” Abby calls out.
As Miriam stands up from Mei’s chair, she accidentally knocks over the wastebasket.
Fuck.
Miriam quickly tidies it up. She finds a torn-up photo. Is this from the frame on the desk? She finds the rest of the pieces and puts them together. It’s a photo of the four of them. They all looked so happy. Mei looked happy.
When was the last time Mei even smiled?
Fucking fuck.
Miriam scatters the pieces again and dumps them back into the bin. They’re not friends. They’re not fucking friends.
Then she finds an empty pregnancy kit.
Uh, wait, what? Mei’s pregnant? Or does Mei think she’s pregnant? If the box is here, where is the test?
Miriam’s eyes wander to Mei’s bed. She sees Mei’s cellphone on the floor next to it. When Miriam picks it up and flips it open, the battery is dead. Where’s the charger?
She remembers Mei once telling her she would hide all her plans underneath where Ming wouldn’t find them. So Miriam sticks her head under the bed to peek.
…
Meanwhile, Abby and Priya are listening to the answering machine.
“— calling to let you know that Mei was marked absent today. Please remember to call or send a signed note explaining the reason for this absence. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact the school's attendance secretary. Thank you.”
Beep.
“Hello Jin and Ming, I'm calling to let you know about the rummage sale fundraiser planned for–”
Priya presses the button to skip.
Beep.
“Hello Missus Lee, this is Mister Henderson, Meilin’s history teacher. I’m returning your message for me to the office. You can reach me personally at–”
…
Ah. Here are all of Mei’s plushies. Here are all of her photos and posters that used to hang on her wall.
Miriam finds a journal. Is she going to snoop? Hell, they’ve already gone this far. When Miriam opens it, she’s disappointed when the last entry is from two years ago. Great. Unused.
Here is a negative pregnancy test. Huh.
Here is a large and stained broken piece from the mirror. Shit. Is that blood?
Hey, here’s the phone charger. As Miriam grabs it and is about to crawl back out, she also spots a video camera. Wait– Miriam remembers this. Mei used to record with this when they were fundraising for 4*Town concert tickets.
Miriam flips the camera open and turns it on. How is the battery still working on this old fucking thing and not on Mei’s phone?
…
Beep.
“Ming,” Grandma Wu rings clear, “I’m hearing from your sisters Chen and Ping that Lily heard rumours of an ambulance in front of the temple late last night. What happened? I need you to call me back immediately when you hear this.”
“End of final message.”
Beep.
“They must really be at the hospital,” Priya follows up, “Should we ask the neighbours?”
“Yeah, let’s go,” Abby agrees, “Miriam! Hurry up!”
“Just a sec!” Miriam calls back.
Abby sighs.
“... Can I ask you something?” Priya looks at Abby.
“Hm? Yeah. What’s up?”
“Do you even like Tyler in that way?”
Abby blinks. “... Why do you ask?”
“Do you?”
“... Honestly? He’s… been really sweet.”
“But?”
“I don’t know how I feel about him. When he asked me out, I said yes ‘cause I thought giving it a try would be fine. But he’s… not really…”
“Not really…?” Priya raises an eyebrow.
“... He’s too private. He won’t say what he feels ever. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know anything about him, so how can we get closer if he doesn’t tell me shit? Does that make sense?”
“I think so… Do you think you’ll keep dating him then?”
“... If he still even wants to.”
Priya just nods to that.
“Miriam, the hell is taking you so long?” Abby calls.
No response.
“Miriam?” Priya calls next.
Still no response. When Priya and Abby return to Mei’s bedroom, they hear sounds. Familiar sounds. Mei’s voice. Then Miriam’s voice. Then their own voices.
Abby kicks Miriam’s foot that’s sticking out from under the bed. “What are you doing?”
When Miriam doesn’t say anything, both Abby and Priya join Miriam under the bed. That’s when they see all the same items Miriam has found. And that’s when they begin to watch the footage of the four of them recorded two years ago. The four of them are laughing together.
When was the last time Mei even laughed?
The three girls are quiet.
Miriam closes and turns off the camera. “Why’d she keep this? She turned on us.”
“Maybe she’s sorry,” Priya whispers.
“Then she should’ve fucking said so,” Miriam pulls herself from under the bed.
“Miriam,” Abby sighs as she follows her.
Miriam glares. “What?”
“You of all people know how hard it is to admit when we do something wrong.”
Priya crawls out too.
Miriam flinches at Abby’s statement. “I admit when I’m wrong.”
“No, you don’t, because if you did you’d have to admit feeling bad and you’d rather be in denial than face what you’re feeling. You can’t even admit that you still care about Mei.”
“I don’t.”
“You’re lying to yourself. Do you think we don’t think about her too? Do you think we all wanted to cut her out like that?”
“If you want her back so much, then go fucking find her yourself.”
Abby is taken aback. Miriam doesn’t look up when Abby storms out of the bedroom. They can hear Abby slam the front door.
“Miriam–” Priya tries to speak.
“Mei wasn’t in denial or anything," Miriam shouts, "She knew she was leaving us out to dry!”
“Mei was scared of disappointing her mom, we all know that!” Priya raises her voice, surprising herself when she does.
Miriam quiets down.
“... She… She didn’t want to disappoint her mom, right? … Come on, it was two years ago. We were thirteen. Can’t you understand a little?”
Miriam doesn’t want to understand. If she understands, if she relates to Mei again, then Miriam has to admit to being at least partially wrong.
… Is she wrong?
“Am I wrong?” Miriam voices, “Do you think I’m wrong?”
“I don’t know,” Priya isn’t sure how much deeper into this hole she wants to go. “... Look, we were going to ask the neighbours what they saw last night. Are you coming?”
Miriam looks away. “I’ll look around the house more. You go.”
Priya is hesitant.
“Are you deaf? Just go.”
Priya is disheartened as she heads out of the bedroom.
When Miriam hears the front door close, she finally plugs in Mei’s phone. She waits impatiently for it to charge enough to turn on. She picks up the video camera from the floor and watches the recording again. She sees herself chewing gum with those fucking braces. She’s so glad she has them off now. Then she sees the four of them dancing and singing. She sees Mei switching between her human and panda forms. She sees Mei knocking into her by accident. She sees Mei downing snacks like there’s no tomorrow. Then pouring snacks all over the three of them. Then the three of them are jumping onto Mei. They were so close before.
Don’t think about it now.
Don’t fucking think about it.
Everyone will leave me.
“Fuck!” Miriam throws the camera against the already broken mirror. She expects the sound of the crash.
Instead, the camera disappears.
What… the fuck? Did it just… go through?
Miriam hesitantly touches the mirror. She feels like she’s floating.
…
Priya is barely a few steps out of the house before she changes her mind.
When she reopens the front door, she calls out for Miriam.
No response.
“Hello? Miriam?”