Chapter Text
The one thing I remember best about my younger brother was that we never got along. Since I can remember, our fists were always thrown at each other. It’d make contact and break the skin. Father was never one for letting us get away with our physical brawls either. He’d storm into the room we were in and pull us apart. Punishments were never that harsh. Most times we had to clean the kitchen or our living room. The cabin wasn’t that big, Father built it when he found out Mother was pregnant with twins. Four months later, a small cabin stood in the marshes. We were a few miles from town and less than that from the swampy pond. The yard was always muddy and we kids liked tracking in the mud. We’d get yelled at to kick the mud off at the door or take the shoes off completely. No matter how annoyed Father was, he’d always smile. His two kids, Wilbur and Techno, giggled as we smudge the dirt on the wood. While Mother was still around, she’d pick us up and swing us around. She’d tickle our sides until we were laughing as our reprimand.
Even though we were twins, we were completely different. My brown hair curled over my forehead while his pinkish hair was straight down to his shoulders. My parents never understood how his hair turned into the pink color it was. Father was blonde and Mother was a brunette. Mother always talked about how much she loved his hair. Maybe that’s why he kept it long. They’d sit by the fireplace and her fingers would thread through his locks. She’d occasionally make small braids in random places. That’s how I remembered Techno looking until we turned 7. After everything that happened, he let his hair hang loosely. No fancy braids or little ones. He didn’t let anyone touch his hair. Our facial structure was pretty similar, but his jawline seemed to be sharper than mine. While my height grew pretty fast, Techno was shorter than me. It’s something I always teased him with but he never seemed to care.
I remember the last fight Techno and I had. It was a truly nasty one. I was groaning in rage, swinging my tiny arms wildly, hoping to hit anywhere. Techno was much better at fighting than I was. I charged in with my fist pulled back. Before I knew it, I had a quick hit to my chest and shoulder. He swung his leg up to my side. And he’d always have the same stone-cold face. That was something that pissed me off. No matter how hard I hit him, he wouldn’t react. The closest expression I ever got was the draw of his brow and nothing else. No matter how often I taunted him, stole his food, stole his toys, punched him, pulled his hair. He’d still be the same quiet Techno that I grew up with.
This last fight was different. I had started playing dirty. I slung insults. About his hair. His face- even though we were twins. How tattered his clothes were. Nothing worked. I was losing. Terribly so. My knuckles were split. Bruises began littering my arms and face. But I wasn’t going to go down without a fight. And as a last-ditch effort, I yelled, “this is why Dad doesn’t love you!”
That was the first time I’d seen his face crumble. His stoic expression quickly dropped. His shoulders sunk. He was vulnerable. And I took advantage of it. I know what I said was a total lie. But I took whatever I could to get the upper hand. I ran into him, tackling him into the mud. He grunted on impact. I rushed to mount his chest. I threw, quite frankly weak, punches on his face. I hadn’t noticed he was sobbing. I was too absorbed in my brief victory. He tried to push me off, and did his best to stop my assault. This was the first time I ever was on top and I’d be damned if I threw it away. Before I even knew it, our positions were flipped. His eyebrows drew in with a snarl on his lips. “Take it back!” He cried, wailing down on me. His punches were much worse than mine. In no time, I had blood streaming from my nose. My skin was swelling. I hadn’t even registered the tears that dripped onto my face. “Dad!” I shouted, “He’s hurting me!” Techno’s eyes widened in fear, swiftly getting off of me. He backed away, as far as he could get in the short time it took for the back door to slam open. And there he stood with all his glory.
My Father, Philza. At this point in my life, his blond hair was around his chin. Techno and Mother would sit by the fire and braid it on occasion. The top of his head was covered by his brimmed hat. He wore his robe, something we hardly ever saw off of him. He had a casual black outfit underneath. He looked pristine as I’d always remembered him. He looked at me first. Like he was assessing the damage. He turned to Techno, “You!” He jabbed his pointer at the younger. “What have I told you about starting fights with your brother?” He angrily walked over to the boy. A large hand grabbed at his upper arm, dragging him towards the door.
“I didn’t start it!” Techno cried out. That was the first time I’d heard that inflection. It was one of panic. And oh, did it feel good knowing that I caused it. Father scoffed, throwing the door open, “Wilbur is covered in blood and his face is swelling with bruises. What happened if not for you?” Then they were in the house.
I slowly got up from the mud, a little dizzy. I followed them in, trailing muck behind me. I could hear Techno begging Father. Saying that he didn’t start it. He should know by now that begging would get him nowhere. When Father had his mind made up, there was no changing it. I rounded the corner into the dining room, seeing Father practically drop Techno onto a chair. He turned to me, “Sit on the other side. I want to hear nothing from this room. Do you understand me?” He gritted out. We both nodded silently. He left the room, leaving me with a distressed Techno. We sat in silence for a while. I assumed it was a while, I had no measurement of time.
The boy spoke up, “Did you mean it?”
“Mean what?”
“That Dad doesn’t love me?” He clarified. His head was leaned forward, staring down at his conjoined fingers. Like his fidgeting would hold some existential answer.
I paused. I was still hyper on the adrenaline rush and I felt oddly victorious. He was clearly bothered by the comment. In a moment of sadistic pleasure, I responded, “Yeah. We both know he hates you.”
To this day, I wish I had never said this.
His stiff posture collapsed. His forehead banged onto the table. I flinched, he made no noise from the impact. I stared at him for a second before realizing he was crying. Soft gasps and hiccups. His shoulders shook and his arms came to wrap around his shoulders in faux comfort. I had finally seen what I wanted to see. To see my brother deteriorate with pure depression. I had the urge to wrap my arm around his shoulders to pacify him, maybe an elder brother instinct. I wanted to shush him and reassure him. But that wouldn’t console him. Nothing could after what I said. Shortly after my internal debate, Father came back into the dining room. “Why is he crying?” He asked me. I only shrugged. He frowned in annoyance, “crying won’t get you out of punishment, Techno.”
The younger whined, he lifted his head off the table. Small hands came up to scrub his eyes of tears. Father stood patiently for Techno to calm down. When my brother finally did, Father served out his punishment. One that even I thought was too harsh. I watched as Father laid Techno over his lap. A thick black belt was brought down to hit his rear end. My mouth was dry as I heard each shriek escape Techno’s throat. “I told you repeatedly not to fight with Wilbur, but you never listen to me.” My brother sobbed in pain. I’m sure it wasn’t only from physical pain. I had no doubt this moment helped spur the narrative of Father’s distaste for him. After twenty scream-filled spanks, Father stopped. The boy quivered on the older’s lap. “Go to your room and sleep. I’m disappointed in you.” The younger one got up on wobbly legs and limped over to our room. His knees buckled near the door and a loud thud followed. I heard quiet squeaks coming from his throat. Then the door closed. “Dramatic, that one.” Father turned to me with a sympathetic smile, “Let’s get you cleaned up sweetheart.”
He held out the same hand that brought down pain on Techno. He grasped my tiny beaten hand and walked us to the bathroom. He wiped down my face, cleaning out the open wounds. Blood and muck coming off bruised skin. He turned to pull out gauze and adhesive from behind the mirror. “It’s a shame you two fight so often,” He broke the silence. He wrapped the cloth around my knuckles. “If you got over your petty differences, I’m sure you both would get along again.”
My face scrunched up in repulsion. “I don’t think that’ll ever happen, Dad. You’re just wishing for the best. You’re going to be sad when it doesn’t happen.”
Father chuckled, “I guess you’re right, Wil.” The man stood up from his crouched position. He patted my head lovingly. “You should head to bed. I’m sure Techno wants company right now. I’m afraid if I comfort him, the punishment will mean nothing.”
There’s no way it would mean nothing. You just spanked him until he was sobbing and couldn’t walk right. I wanted to say this but decided against it. I grimaced, realizing I have to go back to our shared room. “Sure,” was all I could manage before I walked towards our room. The door was closed. Light spilled out from the crack by my feet. He hadn’t put the candles out yet. I felt an odd sense of dread. Like he was waiting for me. I pushed the door open. Techno was rolled into a ball on his bed, sheets coming up to his nose. He was facing towards the window and shaking. I heard sniffles. Something in my heart fell because he was still crying. I needed to fix this. I closed the door quietly, walking to his bed. I sat down as gently as I could. “Hey,” I started softly. “I think we should talk, Techno.”
“I don’t want to hear it.” He bit back weakly.
“It’s about what I said.” There was a deep inhale from him. “You have to know that I was lying, right? Dad doesn’t hate you.”
“No. You were right.” He said, voice low. Like he was sure of himself. “He doesn’t love me. Not after Mom died. I think I’ve known for a while, I just didn’t want to accept it.”
I frowned in concern, “No! Techno, he loves you!”
He growled, sitting up in his bed. And that’s when I finally saw the damage I had caused. His face beat red. Multiple tears tracks flooded his face. Down his temples, his cheeks, across his nose. His lips were chapped and he had snot dripping down over his upper lip. There were a few bruises there as well, but I didn’t want to acknowledge those. I didn’t want to accept that all of this was my fault. “Just shut up!” His eyebrows drew together. The corners of his lips twitched from their downward pull. “We both know it’s true. Just like you said.” He pushed the blanket down and swung his legs over the edge.
“Techno-!” He put his hand up to my face. He inhaled deeply before getting up and leaving the room. I sat there in silence, unsure of what to do. If I go tell Dad, he’ll punish him again. But that’s not what Techno needs. I sighed, realizing the best I can do is let him calm down. I walked over to the window sill and sat.
I had finally gotten what I wanted. So why wasn’t I happy?
I watched the moon rise into the sky. It was a full moon that night, it lit up much of what I could see. I rested my temple against the cool glass. I should’ve kept my mouth shut. I knew better, but I said it anyway. No matter how young I was, I was still responsible for how Techno reacted. I sat there in self-pity for a while, staring up through the glass. We weren’t always like this. We used to play and laugh. We used to be close. But things changed. He changed and so did I. He grew quiet and I grew louder. Maybe I should’ve gone after him. It had been a while since he stormed out.
I suddenly heard a shrill scream come from the woods. I could only make out a few syllables. And I could’ve sworn I heard my name that night. I looked up to see birds fly above the trees in panic. My heart dropped. Was that Techno? I had never heard him scream like that. I jumped off the sill and ran into Father’s room. The older one was laid in bed, snoring softly. I placed my small hands on his shoulder and shook as violently as I could. “Dad! Dad, wake up!”
He groaned, “What is it, Wil?” He rolled over to look at me. His eyes were heavy with exhaustion, he brought his hand up to gently wipe at them.
“I just heard a scream from outside!”
His squinted eyes frowned, “It’s probably just a bird.”
I knew I had to come clean about it now. “I upset Techno and he ran out of the house. I think he went into the woods.”
He was suddenly awake, “What happened?”
“I said something I shouldn’t have and he ran out the back door.”
“Fuck!” He cursed, scrambling off the bed. He tripped over his feet as he rushed towards the living room, I was trailing behind. He shoved his feet into sandals, looking around for the lantern. Once he finally found it, he quickly lit it. Opening the door, Father turned back around to me. He reached his hand out for me to take. “You’re coming with me. You’re not safe alone.” I felt dread pool in my stomach as I grasped his fingers. What was so dangerous out there that I couldn’t be in the cabin alone? Mother had told many stories about creatures that lurked in the woods as a way to spook us. But those had to be fake. Right? They’re just fictitious stories to scare kids. She just didn’t want us exploring the woods without an adult.
Father rushed out the door, holding the lantern low to the ground. There were small footprints in the mud. They led directly into the woods. Dad grimaced, rushing after the trail. “Techno?!” He called out as we followed the winding pathway. Sharp lefts and rights to sharper lefts. What was he doing? Dancing in the forest?
I could hear Father grumbling under his breath, something about kids never listening. My lips drew into a thin line. This was all my fault. He shouted out for Techno again. “He must be at the pond. We don’t need this trail.” Dad suddenly went off the course, seemingly irritated by the back and forth.
We drew towards a clearing. Our feet sank into mush and water suddenly splashed against our legs. Father scanned the shore for Techno. Across the way stood a small figure. “Techno!” I gasped, pointing Dad’s eyes to the far left. He quickly rushed us over. We stumbled over rocks and twigs. Mud slipped between my toes and stained my pants. We grew near, the light finally illuminating the younger. His head was bowed and his shoulders shook. He swayed ever-so-slightly. His clothes were wet like he’d run into the murky water. A fresh tear dropped from his eyes and joined the water he was standing in. He was shin-deep in the water. Father let go of my hand to drag the younger to the beach. Both hands gripped his shoulders, I could tell the pressure must be uncomfortable. But Techno made no tell of discomfort.
“Son?” Father knelt down to his height. “Why’d you go into the woods? We told you not to.”
I watched as Father drew Techno into an embrace. The boy didn’t react to the hold. He didn’t reciprocate either. His thin arms hung uselessly by his side. His fingers were loose, not a single twitch. Father rested a hand on the back of his head, pushing him in deeper. The boy’s eyes were visible to me now. And what I saw scared me. His eyes were wide open. They appeared to bug out of his head, just slightly. His lashes clumped together with tears. But that wasn’t the part that truly terrified me. My brother had bright blue eyes. They were vibrant in color and seemed to glow in the dark atmosphere. But as quickly as I saw them, they drained. The color slowly dissipated, melting back into its deep red shade. They suddenly flicked up to stare at me. His wide eyes disturbed me. We sat there in a stressful staring contest. I couldn’t even process what Father was saying at this point. When Father finally pulled out of the hug, the younger one closed his eyes. Like he was hiding them. His skin was now clear. I vividly remembered the deep purple that started to appear on his cheekbone. A busted lip. The dirt and blood Father didn’t care to clean. That’s when it finally struck me.
That boy was not my brother.