Work Text:
☘
The air is cold when Jaehyun breathes it in, seeping through the fabric of his shirt while he stands outside his parents' door at an ungodly hour of the night. He was supposed to arrive earlier, at a socially acceptable time for a surprise visit, but because luck never seems to be on his side some unexpected traffic caused much delay.
Now he's stuck trying to decide whether he should call to wake his parents up, or he should try and find the spare keys his parents used to always hide somewhere – perhaps under the doormat – and enter without letting them know he's even there. He can surprise them tomorrow morning; maybe he can even make them breakfast so they won't get mad once he breaks the news to them.
He takes another deep breath, really letting the smell of home fill his nostrils, as if to try and wake himself up from a bad dream. He lets it out in a huff. "What am I doing?”
"Yeah. What are you doing?"
Jaehyun jumps in surprise, only biting his tongue right on time before can shout and wake the entire neighborhood up instead. He turns around, trying to find the man who spoke.
"Who are you?" the man asks Jaehyun. He has a rather warm voice, which his cold and accusing tone doesn't match. "And what are you doing here? Are you a thief–?!"
"No!" Jaehyun says hastily, raising up hands. "No– I'm not– I swear, I'm– I live here!"
"Yeah, sure." The man scoffs. He sounds young, as well, maybe around the same age as Jaehyun himself. "Mr. and Mrs. Lee's son moved away years ago–," he stops mid-sentence. "Wait– don't tell me…"
There are only a few houses on this side of the neighborhood, and Jaehyun knows only one person in his age range. But that person isn’t supposed to be here; he left years ago, months before Jaehyun did.
"Kim Younghoon?" Jaehyun calls into the dark in disbelief. "Is that you?"
"Lee Jaehyun?!" The man, Younghoon, exclaims. He sounds closer now, like he got off the road and went inside the lot, but Jaehyun can still barely see anything. "Hey– Lee Jaehyun! What are you doing here?"
"What do you mean, what am I doing here ? I live here! Wait, where are–?" Jaehyun pauses when he hears the sound of a switch being turned on, and blinks hard when a light suddenly shines upon him. "What–?"
"There. Thought you could use some light."
"Thanks." Jaehyun blinks repeatedly, eyes adjusting to the sudden change. How does Younghoon know where the lightswitch is? Right, Younghoon used to hang around a lot when they were kids.
"What are you doing outside your parents' house?" Younghoon asks. "Were you heading somewhere? No, wait– when did you even get here?"
It takes a couple of seconds for Jaehyun’s eyes to fully adjust to the light, another second for him to notice that Younghoon is already standing in front of him, looking as pretty as Jaehyun remembers even with unflattering shadows cast across his face, which is so unfair because how can someone look this good under shitty lighting?
Jaehyun catches himself. What is he even thinking?
If this is a dream, he wants to wake up. But Younghoon doesn't disappear no matter how hard he blinks. Jaehyun isn't magically transported back to his apartment in Seoul no matter how much he shakes his head.
This isn't something he can wake up from.
"I just got here," Jaehyun answers after a while. "I was looking for the spare keys."
"Oh. Your parents usually keep them in a flower pot, right?"
"I'm pretty sure it's under the doormat."
"What? No, we always found the keys in the flower pots, remember?" Younghoon insists, already reaching for one of the pots lining the window sill. "Ah, see?" He reaches inside and pulls out a set of keys, proving his point. He hands them over to Jaehyun. "Here."
"How do you even remember that?" Jaehyun mumbles, giving the keys a shake to rid them of soil.
"Good memory,” replies Younghoon, smiling down at him, because somehow Younghoon is now a good full inch taller than Jaehyun when some years ago it used to be the other way around.
Jaehyun can’t help but stare. Aside from being taller, Younghoon’s features are also sharper and his hair is longer. Still, somehow, he looks almost the same as the last time Jaehyun saw him, and it makes something inside Jaehyun’s chest ache. Before he can spiral down into this hole, he tears his eyes away; there’s no need for dissecting feelings at such a late hour– or, ever.
“Well.” Jaehyun tries a smile. “Thanks for your help.”
“No problem.” Younghoon smiles back. "See you around."
Jaehyun watches Younghoon disappear into the night, and it feels so much like deja vu.
☘
The promise of 'See you around' is always kept when you live in a small town. Jaehyun meets Younghoon again at the grocery store two days later.
"Hey! Lee Jaehyun!" Younghoon's warm, familiar voice calls from the opposite end of the aisle.
Jaehyun immediately turns his head, completely forgetting about the cans of tuna he's supposed to be comparing the prices of– and the tonnes of questions left unasked and unanswered, the milliard of emotions that keep him up late at night. But it's fine, because Younghoon beams so radiantly the moment their eyes meet, and Jaehyun practically sprints across the aisle to get to him.
"Doing groceries, too, huh?" Younghoon asks casually.
"Yup," answers Jaehyun, gesturing at his partially filled cart. "Gotta pull my weight around the house, you know."
"Tell me about it." Younghoon chuckles. "So how long are you staying?"
"Not sure." Jaehyun shrugs. "A few months. Probably until chuseok ."
"Until chuseok ?" echoes Younghoon, his surprise so palpable it slaps Jaehyun in the face. "But what about work? Are you on leave, or something?"
"Well, about that." Jaehyun sighs, looking away. A feeling of dread stirs in his stomach when he admits, "I quit my job."
It's not like it's the first time he's telling someone about it. He even told his parents in person after having resigned, which has to be his most nerve-wracking confession ever. Still, he's nervous; he hopes Younghoon doesn't ask why.
Growing up, he was never very vocal about his struggles. One person knew everything, listened to whatever he had to say, and that was it, that was enough. That person may have been gone when Jaehyun needed him the most, but he was able to manage.
Besides, Jaehyun isn't the type to bother people with his problems. He doesn't like relying on people that much; he'd rather be reliable to other people. How can he be reliable when he shows chinks in his armor? He's supposed to be strong; if he bares his weaknesses then what does that make him?
'Human,' Younghoon, the one person once privy to Jaehyun's infinite misgivings, would've said. Now, though, what he says is just, "That's news."
Jaehyun is quiet for a while, unsure of what to make of it. It doesn't seem like Younghoon disapproves, which is good. Then again, why is Younghoon's approval important? It isn't like Younghoon has anything to do with his success.
But Jaehyun can't help that he's reminded of the times when Younghoon had once dreamed with him – and for him – even though it's been years since then and they'd been literal kids back then. It's like he owes it to Younghoon to be successful, for the sake of what their friendship was built on, even if now only its ruins remain.
"It's just," he starts, because he suddenly feels the need to justify his decisions, especially the ones that led to failure, "I felt like it wasn't it, you know? Like, I just couldn't see myself – I don't know – endlessly scrolling through emails, writing financial reports, putting up with my shitty boss all day, every day, just waiting for the clock to strike 5. I can’t live my life like that, you know? I want to do something that matters. I want to–."
A pause. A realization that he's said too much and that Younghoon doesn't really care, because why would Younghoon care to hear about Jaehyun's shitty work? No one does. No one cares about the process; they only care about the results. It's always been like that; as long as Jaehyun's able to produce good results, people are happy.
At times, though, he can't help but think, what about himself? He deserves to be happy, too, but why does he only feel miserable?
“Sorry, I’m oversharing,” he mumbles. “It’s a habit when–,” when I’m with you, “–I’m nervous.”
"You're good," Younghoon assures him. "Don't worry."
"I don't know if I made the right choice," Jaehyun admits. "I'm gonna have to reflect until I manage to get out of here again."
"Sometimes we're allowed to make decisions based on our own happiness," Younghoon says simply. "So I think it's neither right nor wrong, as long as you're happy."
Another pause. Another realization, but this time Jaehyun doesn't dwell on it. He'll push it aside for a while, until he's ready to delve into it deeper.
He lets out a sigh. "Maybe you’re right," he says. "What about you?"
"What about me?"
How's work? Jaehyun means to ask. What comes out of his mouth instead is, "Are you happy?"
The corners of Younghoon's lips turn down, and Jaehyun feels stupid. Why did he ask Younghoon that? They haven't spoken in years. They haven't even seen each other until lately. He should've just settled for small talk, because that's what their relationship now entitles him to.
They aren't the best of friends anymore. The years they've spent apart, without even contact, should've made it clear to Jaehyun where they stand. Because, as he had to learn the hard way, the promise of 'I'll call you' and 'I'll come back to visit soon' is rarely followed through when you don't want to live in a small town anymore.
"There are things I'm happy about," Younghoon finally answers, letting the words out slowly, "there are things I'm not."
"Oh," Jaehyun lets out, feeling sorry for even asking.
Then, Younghoon says in a voice so quiet Jaehyun wonders if he's hearing it right, "I'm happy you're back, though."
☘
It takes a week and a half before Jaehyun's mother stops sighing every time she sees him. Now, she only purses her lips, which Jaehyun takes as a sign of progress.
"She's slowly coming to terms with it," he tells Younghoon one evening when he's out for a walk, because the town is so small they're bound to bump into each other one way or another. "At least, I hope she is."
"I'm sure she'll get over it," Younghoon tells him. "She has to."
Jaehyun can't help the bitter laugh that escapes his lips. He feels so pathetic. He's unemployed, living in his parents' house, and he has no one else to talk to but his neighbor who used to be his closest friend during childhood but now he barely really knows. But that's on him, because he still can't bring himself to open up to his other friends, because he never truly learned to trust anyone else as much as he trusted Younghoon, because he never again wants to be hurt the way only a person you trust can.
"It's hard to get over things sometimes," he says before he can stop himself. For a second he's scared he's letting on too much again, but Younghoon barely even glances at him when he speaks.
“I know,” Younghoon agrees, his tone light. “But sometimes you don’t have a choice."
"I guess," Jaehyun replies, careful to keep his tone just as light. "And my mom doesn't really have a choice right now, does she?"
"I mean.” There’s a playful smile on Younghoon’s lips and he suddenly looks more comfortable, as if he’s also thankful the conversation isn’t steering anywhere it shouldn’t be. “She could kick you out, force you to get a job, or something."
"Hey! Why would you say that?!" Jaehyun playfully shoves Younghoon to the side, only to burst into loud fits of laughter when it causes the latter to almost fall over. He forgot how weak Younghoon's body is compared to his, even though Younghoon is taller than him now. "Sorry," he wheezes.
"Asshole," Younghoon hisses, rolling his eyes.
Jaehyun tenses for a split second, thinking Younghoon might actually be angry. But when he looks at Younghoon, a grin is plastered on his pretty face.
Relief floods Jaehyun's entire body, not just because Younghoon isn't mad, but also because it just feels so them. It feels so Jaehyun-and-Younghoon to be walking around town in the dead of night, talking about god-knows-what, calling each other names without any real malice, laughing about the dumbest things. It all just feels like Jaehyun is transported back to a time when neither of them have left and neither of them have changed and neither of them have grown.
“I thought about what you said, you know?” Jaehyun says.
“I say an awful lot of things,” Younghoon kids. “You gotta be a little more specific."
“That we’re allowed to make decisions based on our own happiness,” Jaehyun explains. “That maybe it’s neither right nor wrong, as long as it makes me happy.”
Younghoon hums, nodding his head slowly. “I say wise things every now and then, huh?”
“That’s a reach.” Jaehyun laughs. “You make sense sometimes, and that’s already me being generous.”
Younghoon flips him off in response, and Jaehyun’s laughter only grows louder. He laughs until Younghoon has no choice but to laugh along, and not to be extremely cheesy but it sounds like music to Jaehyun's ears.
This is happiness, if Jaehyun's ever felt it. Being with Younghoon and acting like kids who have no homes to go home to and no parents to answer to; like teenagers so sure about the future because they know they’re eventually leaving their shitty little town; like twenty-somethings free from responsibilities and expectations.
He looks at Younghoon, and this is happiness as he’s come to know it: fleeting, changing, a thing of the past.
“Hey,” Jaehyun calls softly, “Kim Younghoon.”
Younghoon turns to him with raised brows and a smile just as soft, and it’s like taking a glimpse at everything that Jaehyun used to know. This little moment will haunt him forever, but it’s worth it, if even for a little while he’s able to feel like nothing is wrong.
“I’m happy you’re back, too,” he confesses, because he is happy to find Younghoon here, even though he never expected it, and even if he never gets answers and explanations.
Coming back home is worth it, whether it’s right or wrong, because Younghoon pats his cheek lightly and the world stills. The universe offers Jaehyun some peace and quiet, where the only thing he can hear is his heart hammering inside his chest wanting to come out, and Younghoon’s voice telling him, “You’re doing good, Jaehyun-ah.”
Jaehyun wants to believe him.
Jaehyun wants to be happy.
How can happiness feel both right and wrong at the same time?
☘
Jaehyun often finds himself in the company of Younghoon these days. It can't be helped, seeing as they’re literally neighbors and each other's only peers. It's confusing, though. They aren’t exactly friends anymore, but they hang out so much lately that Jaehyun thinks they’re headed there anyway. Of course, it’s never going to be the same as before – they’re never again going to be the inseparable duo who spent their entire lives growing up together – and Jaehyun accepts that, but it’s hard to pretend that there wasn’t such a time when each other was all they had.
The problem is: it’s hard not to think about how they used to be and what they were to each other. How can he, when he’s with Younghoon? Sweet, sensitive Younghoon, who used to be Jaehyun’s safest place in a town where no one is safe from prying eyes and sharp tongues.
How can Jaehyun not think about Younghoon the same way, when the prying eyes are still looking and the sharp tongues are still speaking?
"Isn’t that Lee Hyunbin’s son?”
“What's he doing back here?"
“Everyone thought he could get out of here.”
They’re still here, the people Jaehyun was so scared of disappointing, the people whose expectations somehow mattered by virtue of being from the same small town they all not-so-secretly want to escape from. There are so many of them, too many. Too many people expect him to succeed. Jaehyun is still afraid of not living up to their expectations, even though that’s essentially what’s happening now. What more happens when they finally realize that he failed miserably – at his job and at his life and at making it all work out – and that, ultimately, he is a disappointment? What more will they say?
Jaehyun is terrified of finding out, so he tries to block the voices out. But it’s impossible when all his life he was taught to listen.
"I heard he got sacked. Pathetic, isn’t he?"
"I knew it. He was too ambitious."
“Shame. He’s good looking.”
Jaehyun takes a deep breath, focusing on letting air into his lungs, then letting it out slowly. He does it again, this time closing his eyes. He counts to ten: one, two, three, four, five– he feels slim fingers slide in the spaces between his, safe. Six, seven, eight– he’s being pulled close to Younghoon’s side, sound. Nine, ten– he opens his eyes.
Younghoon is here, like he always used to be.
“Hey,” he whispers in Jaehyun’s ear. “Don’t listen to them, okay?”
Jaehyun feels at ease, because Younghoon feels so warm and so familiar. Jaehyun just wants to bask in something that’s both good and familiar, when everything else that’s familiar in this town so far has been anything but good.
It lasts for a second, until the voices come again, because they always do.
“Look— they’re together. Kim Younghoon and Lee Jaehyun."
"I knew there was something going on between them."
"I thought they broke up? Wasn't that why they both left?"
"I heard Kim Younghoon left Lee Jaehyun."
“Didn’t Lee Jaehyun even leave to follow him?”
“They’re both back here, anyway.”
Jaehyun stares ahead, feeling numb, because it’s easier to feel numb than to feel sad; it makes life a lot easier, a lot more bearable. He takes step after step without really knowing where he’s going. If it weren’t for Younghoon pulling him by the hand, he wouldn’t even have reached his parents’ house.
“You alright?” Younghoon asks, worry written on his face, dripping heavily from his voice.
"Yeah.” Jaehyun shrugs. “I mean, it’s not like they’re wrong, anyway. I am back here, because I couldn’t make it there and now I have nowhere else to go.”
“That’s not true.”
Jaehyun looks at Younghoon, and his heart constricts. By now, Jaehyun should've already proven himself– to everyone, yes, but most importantly, to Younghoon. He owes it to Younghoon to be successful, because he was the only one who believed without a hint of doubt, he was the only one whose expectations weren't a source of pressure but motivation, the only one who cared about the process as much as the outcome.
Younghoon cares. And Jaehyun feels terrible that Younghoon has to assure him like this, after all this time, because Younghoon is the person Jaehyun is most terrified of disappointing.
That’s why he feels the absolute worst when he says, “We both know it is.”
“No,” Younghoon says firmly. “You’ll be out of here again in no time, I’m sure. And if anything, I’m right here, too, so you don’t have to face them alone.”
It’s like Jaehyun’s heart is pulled out of his chest when he realizes that Younghoon must have gone through the same awful judgment when he came back home, too— only, then, Younghoon was alone. Jaehyun impossibly feels even worse, because all this time he’s been thinking about himself, how much he’s hurting, and never once did he think about whether Younghoon is hurting, too.
Surely Younghoon has his reasons for coming back here and for staying, whether permanently or not. It’s alright if he doesn’t tell Jaehyun what they are right now, or anytime soon– or ever. As long as they’re both here, though, Jaehyun will support Younghoon in any way he can.
“You don’t have to face them alone, either,” Jaehyun promises, giving Younghoon’s hand a tight squeeze, hoping it conveys everything that’s stuck in his throat. “Not anymore.”
☘
“Why did you come back home?” Younghoon asks one evening while they’re out for a walk, because inevitably it has become a routine.
It brings Jaehyun to pause, the Melona ice cream he made Younghoon buy him halfway to his mouth. They’ve spent so much time together these past couple weeks and somehow they’ve never really talked about it. Younghoon was probably waiting for Jaehyun to bring it up on his own, but finally came to realize there's zero chance of that happening.
"I mean," Younghoon continues, "you always said once you got out of here, you were never coming back."
Jaehyun used to always tell Younghoon about how much he hated this town and how much he hated the people here, because of how they made him feel and how they made him act; because of how they made him the Lee Jaehyun that he is today, the Lee Jaehyun that he couldn't change no matter how much time he spent away from everything that reminded him of this town.
And he hates that even after all these years, he's still the Lee Jaehyun from this town.
He's still the Lee Jaehyun who's afraid of being a disappointment because they're still the people who expect so much from him.
He's still the Lee Jaehyun who's afraid to dream too big because this is still the town that walls him in.
"I quit my job because it was burning me out,” he tells Younghoon, “I couldn't afford my apartment anymore so I thought, why not pay my parents a visit? It’s long overdue, anyway."
It isn’t a lie. He hated his job and he hated his boss and he hated his clients and he even hated his small, shitty apartment that he could barely afford with what shitty salary he got. Why else would he go back to a place he hated, too, if he had the choice, right?
"It was lonely, wasn’t it?” Younghoon states the question rather than asks.
Jaehyun can only shrug in response.
It's been years, yet it's like Youghoon can still see right through him. He'd even go as far as to say that Younghoon is still the only person who truly knows him; the only person who understands and accepts what there is to understand and to accept; the only person who never judged the book that is Jaehyun, even after reading it from cover to cover, even when he has no idea what the sequel is going to be about.
The sequel's supposed to start like this: Jaehyun allows himself until chuseok to stay and rest, even though he really has no intention of staying that long. He plans to look for work as soon as possible, something that will take him far away from here, even if it won't be too different from the shitty job he just ran away from.
Except, it's been weeks since he got here, and until now he still hasn't looked up a single job board online. He wanted to leave as soon as he was on his way here, but now he's wavering. Because now he knows what's different about his life here back then and his life in the city a month ago, even though he hated both.
“Must’ve been hard going through all that alone,” Younghoon says.
All Jaehyun can do is look away while he finishes his ice cream, keeping his mouth busy with anything but talking.
In nearly every memory Jaehyun has of this town, Younghoon is present. Whenever he was happy, sad, angry, disappointed. Whenever he dared to feel like he could conquer the world and whenever he felt like the world would eat him up alive, Younghoon was always there.
Even now, somehow, Younghoon is here, and it makes the thought of leaving again harder. Whenever Jaehyun is with Younghoon, he feels as though the sole reason he’s here is to be with Younghoon.
"I get that it's overwhelming," Younghoon continues. "But sometimes, you should try confronting things that make you feel. Stop running away."
That makes Jaehyun look, finally makes him speak. "Make me feel what?" he asks.
"Make you feel, period."
Called out, that’s what Jaehyun feels right now, if anything. Of course Younghoon calls him out on his bullshit, because of course Younghoon knows when there is bullshit to call out, even though he knows that Jaehyun has never liked confrontation much, especially if it concerns himself. Jaehyun would rather take something that upsets him, shove it inside a box, shove that box into the deepest pits of mind, and bury it under the things that have no immediate consequences.
But Younghoon could very well be the world’s best archaeologist, if the world was their small town and the authority to decide was Jaehyun’s. No matter how deeply below the ground Jaehyun buries his issues, Younghoon can always dig them up and lay them down one by one in front of Jaehyun until he has no choice but to pick them up and divulge their past.
Jaehyun lets out a sigh, a long and heavy one. "It was lonely because you weren’t there," he finally admits. “Because I always imagined we were gonna do it together, you know? I thought we’d get out of this town together and live the rest of our lives free from everyone’s judgment.”
“Jaehyun…”
“I mean, of course, I never assumed we’d be together, like, until the day we die,” Jaehyun goes on, “but I did think we’d at least go to university together and keep in touch even if we went our separate ways after.”
“Jaehyun.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so dramatic or—”
“Jaehyun,” Younghoon repeats, this time wrapping a hand around Jaehyun’s wrist to stop him. "Hey."
Jaehyun is forced to look. He stares at Younghoon's hand where it touches his skin; it feels like a lightning strike sending shockwaves throughout his entire body. Then he looks at Younghoon’s eyes, so full of emotions that he’s scared to even name, because surely they’re but reflections of Jaehyun’s own.
Jaehyun looks at Younghoon and he’s terrified of what he feels and what he wants.
Jaehyun looks at Younghoon and he steps closer, because how can he not when Younghoon looks at him like he feels the same way and he wants the same thing?
Jaehyun looks at Younghoon and he decides that, just for tonight, he’ll forget about eventual confrontations and immediate consequences.
☘
Younghoon appears at Jaehyun’s doorstep the next morning, looking handsome in an old t-shirt and faded jeans, while Jaehyun looks a mess with his bedhead and pajamas.
“Can we talk?” Younghoon asks. His voice sounds so small, and Jaehyun gets the urge to scoop him up and hug him tightly, even though the sizes of their bodies now dictate otherwise.
Jaehyun doesn’t, of course, he only nods his head and replies, “Can we go get some breakfast first?”
They go to their favorite café, which thankfully still operates even after all these years. They used to always go, not because the coffee and pastries are particularly good — they’re rather bad, if Jaehyun has to admit, which explains why people rarely visit the café. In fact, they like it for that exact reason: most of the time it’s just the two of them, and they can have some sense of privacy even for just a few moments.
Younghoon pays for their food because he just got his paycheck yesterday, even though his job at the local music store doesn’t pay much. Jaehyun makes idle conversation with the café-owner because she’s one of the very few people in town who gossip and rumors don’t reach. A few minutes later, Younghoon brings their tray to one of the tables outside; Jaehyun bids the owner goodbye to follow him.
They eat quietly. They know they need to talk about something, but neither of them dares to address it. Jaehyun feels uneasy. He wants to leave, to run away. He wants to just forget about how soft Younghoon’s lips felt against his last night and how hot Younghoon’s fingertips felt pressed to the back of his neck when they were kissing.
“Jaehyun,” Younghoon says quietly, looking away. The wind ruffles his hair and Jaehyun has to fight the urge to brush it away. Younghoon breathes in deep, lets it out slowly, then says, “I really don’t know what to say to you, honestly.”
“Yeah.” Jaehyun almost laughs. “Yeah, I wouldn’t, either.”
“No, I mean—.” Younghoon bites his lip, shakes his head. “I just—. I'm sorry.”
Laughter gets stuck in Jaehyun’s throat and he can only stare in surprise. As far as he knows, he should be the one apologizing. After all, he’s the one who kissed Younghoon and not the other way around.
But Younghoon repeats, “I’m sorry.”
And the only thing Jaehyun can think to say once his voice returns is, “For what?”
“For leaving,” Younghoon says, “for never calling you, for— for everything.”
“Oh,” Jaehyun lets out, nodding slowly, because now he really doesn’t know what to say to Younghoon, either.
Younghoon had left with the promise that he’d call Jaehyun every day, and every day Jaehyun had waited. Jaehyun had waited and waited and waited, until he finally realized that he’d been waiting for nothing. And yet, despite the pain of having his heart broken into a million pieces, there was still a flicker of hope. Jaehyun never stopped hoping, wishing Younghoon would suddenly call, even after he himself had left this town and started building a life of his own that was far removed from that of Younghoon’s.
“I came back, you know?” Younghoon tells him. “It didn’t even take a year, but when I got back, you were already gone. I was too late.”
“I didn’t know what else to do, Younghoon,” Jeahyun replies, once again feeling like he has to explain. “I mean, I had hoped you would come back, or at least call, but the rational part of my brain knew you wouldn't.”
“I left without meaning to come back.” Younghoon looks down. “But how could I not, when you were here?”
Jaehyun’s throat tightens. He longed for those words for years. He longed to be acknowledged, to be given some assurance that once upon a time he mattered to Younghoon and that his presence was something that Younghoon wanted in his life. Now it’s here, and all Jaehyun can do is make light of it by saying, “Except I wasn’t,” because it's all too much to process.
“Except you weren’t,” Younghoon echoes. “At the time, I thought it was better. I didn't need to talk to you, to answer your questions, to explain why I cut you off like that. I just told myself you were off somewhere far better than this awful place– and I guess you were, for a while."
"That’s debatable.”
"If you put it that way." Younghoon chuckles. “I guess I just really wanted to say that I’m sorry, Jaehyun. I was a dick.”
“It’s fine,” Jaehyun says through the lump in his throat.
"No, Jaehyun–."
"No, really. It's fine. I'm fine,” Jaehyun repeats. “I think, in the time I was away, I learned to live with things that I couldn’t get over."
Then Younghoon finally looks at him, a soft but sad smile painted on his pretty face. Jaehyun once again notes how much his features have changed, and yet somehow he looks just the same. Younghoon looks just the same and he still makes Jaehyun feel the same way and it only makes it harder for Jaehyun to live with the fact that they’ve lost so much time and so much space that they can never get back.
“That’s good,” Younghoon tells Jaehyun. “I wish I learned to do the same.”
☘
They don’t talk about it again — the kiss nor the apology — even when they spend every waking moment where Jaehyun isn’t tasked to help with chores at home and Younghoon isn’t trying to keep himself from falling asleep at work together.
Jaehyun reasons that he’s only trying to find the right timing. He doesn’t want to impose and force Younghoon to talk about things he doesn’t want to talk about, because what if it scares him? Besides, Jaehyun himself wouldn’t want something like that done to him either; it’s long been established that he doesn’t do well with confrontation, whether or not it starts with him.
Actually, he’d rather not talk about it, even if that means he has to suffer by himself. If there’s anything he’s good at, it’s keeping his feelings hidden in the deepest crevices of his heart, where not even he can see them. He can continue pretending they aren’t real, because what isn’t real can’t possibly hurt him.
But time is a funny thing. No one really knows when something is going to happen; like the fact that Younghoon left earlier than he and Jaehyun had originally planned but came back way sooner than everyone expected; or the fact that Jaehyun got his apology when he's already accepted he was never getting it. You never really know when the perfect time for something to happen is; you just know it when it’s happening right then and there; like when Jaehyun kissed Younghoon for the first time and it felt like in that moment nothing and no one else mattered but them.
So maybe sometimes you just have to quit your job and go back home to your disappointed parents or tell your estranged best friend you’ve been in love with them since you were sixteen or—
Okay, Jaehyun pauses and reevaluates. Maybe not the last part.
“Huh?” Younghoon asks, because of course Jaehyun’s an idiot and he accidentally said it out loud. “What last part ? Last part of what?”
“Nothing,” Jaehyun replies hastily, shaking his head so vigorously that his hair starts sticking out in every direction. “I didn’t say any—.”
Without warning, Younghoon threads his fingers through Jaehyun’s curls, pushing it up and aside. “You need a haircut,” he notes, so casually, as if he didn’t just pull Jaehyun’s heart out from inside his ribcage and up through his throat.
Jaehyun can only stand there motionless, feeling as helpless as ever as Younghoon stands in front of him, so very real and close and tangible, so very capable of hurting him again.
“Why did you never call me?” he asks quietly.
There’s silence, as there tends to be when someone poses questions that actually matter.
Younghoon purses his lips, brows forming a knot on his forehead. It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to answer. Maybe he isn’t ready to talk about it. Maybe he doesn’t have an acceptable reason. Maybe he knows his reasons will hurt Jaehyun.
But Jaehyun wants an answer, painful or not, so he continues, “You could’ve told me you were coming back. You could’ve just told me anything, really. I would’ve waited.”
“You would’ve hated that,” Younghoon replies, finally. “You would’ve hated me.”
“You know I wouldn’t have.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Bullshit—”
“No, I really did not know that, Jaehyun,” Younghoon insists, voice sounding a little strained now, a little hurt, a little desperate. “I thought you already hated me for leaving and for never calling.”
“I couldn’t hate you,” Jaehyun says, “I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Maybe that was the problem, huh?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe I should’ve hated you.”
"I would’ve deserved it.”
Jaehyun wants to agree; what Younghoon did was hurtful and begot hatred. He wants to be angry, to be resentful, to be vindictive. But how can he, when the truth is that everything Younghoon does and everything Younghoon is to him makes Younghoon deserving of love?
And love means acceptance. Like how Younghoon has always accepted who Jaehyun is – lost and insecure, afraid of the risks he takes, tired of expectations he can never seem to meet – in a world where everything and everyone tries to dictate who he should be. And maybe he was wrong to assume that Younghoon loved him the same because of this, but it isn’t something he should blame Younghoon for, because the mistake of falling in love is all on Jaehyun.
The mistake of ruining their friendship, in truth, is all on Jaehyun.
Younghoon leaving and distancing himself from Jaehyun was all because Jaehyun couldn’t keep himself from showing it, from laying it all down even when he never meant to. Because Younghoon was Younghoon and Younghoon was lovable. And everything Younghoon was, Younghoon still is.
But mistakes should be forgiven, because love also means forgiveness. And maybe Jaehyun doesn’t love himself because he can’t forgive himself for building a bridge between the two of them, but he can forgive Younghoon for crossing to the other side because he loves Younghoon.
Jaehyun loves Younghoon.
It’s a truth that terrifies him.
“It was because of me, wasn’t it?” Jaehyun asks. “You ran away because of me– from me.”
“Part of it, yes,” Younghoon admits. “But it wasn’t just you. It was– it was everything, you know?”
“I get what you mean.”
“It’s like– it was like I wanted to breathe you in but this town kept suffocating me.”
A pause. A sharp intake of breath. Jaehyun realizes: it’s a truth that terrifies Younghoon, too– or, at least, it did, because if it didn’t then Younghoon wouldn’t have run away.
But Younghoon isn’t running away anymore. In fact, he’s moving even closer. Little by little, he’s crossing the bridge that remains between them. Slowly but surely, he’s trying to reach Jaehyun again.
"I was in love with you, Jaehyun,” Younghoon says it so simply, almost matter-of-factly, as though it isn’t an earth-shattering truth that Jaehyun needs time to process. "I thought I was over it, over you, but then you came back and I realized I'm fucked, because I realized I still am."
“Younghoon…”
"I'm still in love with you,” Younghoon repeats, because apparently the earth beneath Jaehyun’s feet shattering only once isn’t enough. “Because, Jaehyun, you're– you're just– you're everything. You're the best thing– no, the only good thing this stupid fucking town has to offer, and I don't think I can let that go. But I know I have to. I know you can’t stay here, you shouldn’t stay here, but while you are, I’ll be here with you.”
Jaehyun is speechless, because, really, what is he even supposed to say back? He can only stare at Younghoon with lips parted in shock, trying to take in and make sense of everything Younghoon just said.
"If you let me," Younghoon adds, “I want to be there for you again, completely this time.”
And Jaehyun wants to laugh, because how can he not let Younghoon be by his side, when all his life that’s all he’s ever truly wanted? He doesn't, though. He doesn’t say anything. He only takes a deep breath, smiles at Younghoon, and closes the gap between them. It's the softest confession of, 'I'm in love with you, too.' It's the firmest promise of, 'I'll stay by your side, too.'
There’s a lot Jaehyun has to figure out – about himself, his dreams, his relationships – before he’s ready to leave this town again. Until then, though, until the day it's time to go, this happiness is enough.
This love is enough.
☘