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All my life, I have only watched.
Observed
Viewed.
I watched as others took the spotlight, hogged it, bathed in it, and soon, lost it.
And I was perfectly content with that. I was never someone who wanted to be the center of attention. Hell--I don’t even think I ever was. Sure, I would have the occasional moment where people would gush over my height or my blonde hair, but those moments were short-lived and staggered. But ever since I met you, I have wanted to be in the spotlight, sharing it with you. And now that I am, I don’t want to leave it. It feels so nice to share it with someone I love.
I haven’t told you yet about these feelings, but I’m sure you know, you’ve always been quick to figure me out. But I have always thought about what made you choose me over him. I mean, who would want to hang out with me? A sour, moody, instigating little shit? Only you would. You know me well enough to see all sides of me. And you chose to stay. I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you chose to leave. But you never did.
It’s hard to say when it all started, but I first remember seeing you and your dumb, bright, orange hair on the first day of high school at the assembly. You were loud and obnoxious but quick to make friends. I thought you were some random short kid I would never see again in the vast expanse of our school. But at volleyball tryouts, there you were, bouncing anxiously.
Honestly, when I first saw you in the gym, I laughed. I turned to my friend, Yamaguchi, and snickered. Neither of us could believe someone of your stature could join the volleyball team. And before you get mad at me, you were a 5’3 scrawny kid with no muscle or brains. Not like much has changed, but we were… amused… to put it lightly.
But god, did that change. We look over and the next thing we know, you’re jumping above the net and hitting the King’s tosses.
I don’t think anyone in that gym had their jaws not touching the floor. It was so hard not to be amazed when you defied all laws of gravity and physics and jumped half your height for some stupid ball. When you landed, I wanted to go up to you, talk to you, ask you how the hell you jumped so high. But you were already running towards the King--sorry–-Kageyama.
He seemed unimpressed, like he’d seen feats like that at least a thousand times. I couldn’t believe you chose him over me. Granted, you didn’t know me yet, and it seems you met him prior to school, but I still feel sour you decided at the time, to pick an asshole like him, over me. But that didn’t stop me from approaching you two.
Looking back, I don’t know why I chose the words I did…
“Hey, it looks like the shorty can jump. I’m impressed, I surely thought you were going to be our team manager.”
“Hey! That’s no way to greet someone or even compliment them.”
“Anyways, you know about the king?”
“The who?”
“Look behind you. The selfish dictator who only thinks and acts for himself. He was on a volleyball team not too long ago, and his ego and superiority complex got the best of him, and when he needed his teammates the most, they weren’t there. They left him, they were tired of being treated less than.”
“And you’re telling me this because…?”
“I just wanted to let you know, so when he shows his egotistical and self-centered side, you won’t be surprised.”
“Got it, thanks…”
God, I can’t believe I would even say that. That short and awkward conversation just made our whole relationship weird and tension-filled.
I swear, that night when I went home. I scolded myself for acting so stupid.
It’s funny because, at the time, all I wanted to do was get to know you better, but my sore tongue made that harder than it needed to be. But it wasn’t impossible, I’m not sure why or even how, but you found it within yourself to look over my shitty attitude and attempt to get close to me. And I tried, I really, really did, but back then we were just so different.
It just never worked out.
I’m not sure when my feelings of fascination and interest in you became admiration, which soon became the feeling of love. But it happened so soon and so quick, it felt like a switch–it felt natural. And soon, feelings of endearment and adoration overflowed when I was near you. My heart would start hurting, aching, when I was around you.
But I was scared of rejection, so I hid the strong, heart-wrenching feeling behind my wall of a dickhead personality.
We never got close until our second year of high school. The only way we were actually able to get to know each other was through a complete accident.
Then, I was the only person you knew who had a license. And when your bike’s tire popped, and you got stranded somewhere in the middle of Tome. I was the first person you called. You could have called your mom, but you chose me. I only later found out that she was never really home, always traveling, so you were always on your own. Never viewed you as the independent type until that day.
But a week after I picked you up, I got another call asking me to pick you up from Misato, and then the next week, Kami. Still, I have no idea how you were able to get that far on just your bike, it’s truly confusing (I will be asking later tonight).
And I don’t think you understand, even now, how happy I was driving you around. I would gladly drive hours to pick you up from some remote location just to hang out with you. I even started to offer to drive you to and from school. And miraculously, you agreed.
That’s how we became close. On the rides, we would play music, talk, bicker, or sit in a comfortable silence. It was nice to be able to look at you up close, instead of from afar, and with The King.
Soon, we were inseparable. Just like you and Kageyama. I’m actually not sure what happened between you two. I guess you drifted apart, no longer friends, only teammates. Yet his absence only made my job easier. For the longest time, I thought you liked Kageyama. I was overjoyed to find out how wrong I was.
You soon filled in, along with Yamaguchi, as my best friend. Hangouts between Yamaguchi and I became interrupted by your laugh or your smiles. We both enjoyed the company. At one point, when Yamaguchi went off and got himself his boyfriend, it became just you and me. We would go to concerts together and go to cafés and restaurants. I would drive for hours to visit the new sports shop you were interested in.
Looking back, I now realize how hard I fell for you. I always knew that what I felt, happened so quickly and intensely but only looking back and reminiscing on these memories do I actually find the proof.
As our relationship progressed, so did our feelings. Hands would brush, heads would touch the other's shoulder, and pinkies would somehow lock. At concerts, when you couldn’t see, I picked you up and put you on my shoulders.
God, I couldn’t forget the smile you had on your face that night, even if I tried. On the way home, you became cold, and I pulled the cliché move of giving you my sweater, it practically hung below your knees, I couldn’t stop laughing. Touches like those became more casual between us, which is also why I became so confused when I kissed you for the first time.
Sure, it wasn’t the most romantic first kiss, but it was amazing.
We were in my new car, parked in a parking lot, just talking. Something came over me, and I just leaned over and kissed you. At first, you were stiff, and our noses kept on bumping into each other, but you softened. As I tried to pull away, you pushed forward, wrapping your arms around my neck and carding through my hair. Out of breath, we pulled away.
Your face is still engraved in my memories. At first, you were red and happy, but your smile faded. You looked worried, even disgusted. I watched silently as you rushed out of the car, whispering some bullshit excuse of why you had to go. I insisted I drive you home, but you denied and left wearing my favorite hoodie.
As I drove home that night, I had no thoughts. It was when I got home that all of it hit me.
Was I receiving your actions in the wrong way? Could it be that I was imagining you liking me back? I was confused and conflicted.
I called and texted with no response, I was ignored in the halls. When I offered to drive you home, you declined, looking at your shoes. You wouldn’t even look at me.
I seriously thought I fucked up our friendship with a kiss.
It just turns out, out of the two of us you were the worst at dealing with your feelings. I thought because you were so… you, this would be easy for you. I am still unsure of what happened on your part, but it was only resolved when I grabbed your shoulders and apologized after a week without you. That’s when I found out my feelings were reciprocated and a relationship was not out of the question.
After that, kisses were shared and hands were held. It came as no surprise when we told our friends. They told us it took forever to figure everything out. I smiled.
As time went on, cuddling at sleepovers became expected, and full-on make-out sessions were very frequent. I was so happy with our relationship. I felt on top of the world with you by my side.
When it came time for us to have sex for the first time, it was awkward and stiff. We had no idea what we were doing, but that memory is one of my favorites. It may sound weird, but I smile looking back at it.
After that, I was in the spotlight with you. People would look as we walked by, hand in hand. My input in conversations became expected, nobody talked over me or undermined my thoughts. Now that you were by my side, I was taken seriously, and not as some pessimistic asshole.
I was treated normally.
You know how I said earlier that I was happy being on the sidelines?
I take it back. I love standing on the world’s stage with you. When I’m with you, you’re the only thing in the world that matters. The spotlight is on us and will always be, and I fucking love it. My heart still squeezes and quickens when I pull you close, or when you rest your head on my chest, or when you fall asleep in my arms. I discover new feelings of love for you every day.
I am so lucky to have found my soulmate so young, being without you just sounds like hell. As much as you talk my head off, or annoy me, and even bite me (weirdo). I don’t think I would be able to find happiness without you. But don’t think that now because I’m saying all of these nice things mean you’re off the hook. You’re still annoying and loud, shorter than ever, and as smiley as a damn baby. Yet those traits make you, you, without those aspects of your ever-expanding personality, I wouldn’t know who you were.
And now, entering our last year of college. We decided to finally share an apartment close to campus, and I still can’t help but feel like this is one of the first steps in our relationship. Though we have already made thousands.
I write all of this to you because even now, in year five of our relationship, I still struggle with my words. All of the ‘I love you’s’ combined can’t express how I feel towards you. So this letter will be the perfect medium to show the immense love I hold for you.
And I imagine you’re reading this curled at my side with my arm around your shoulder. Every one of your hugs, I hold close to my heart, but this one, I will cherish forever.
– Tsukishima Kei