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"Oh my..." Bruce stopped mid-run and took in the scene. He was a little afraid that his mouth was hanging open, but well- no one was going to look at him anyway.
"Is that- are those lollipop trees?" Steve marveled.
"I have never seen that many rats in my life. And I have been a lot of places," Natasha remarked, her coldly calm exterior shaken for once.
Tony agreed. "I think if you counted all the rats and all the roaches in all the bars I've ever been in, you still wouldn't get anywhere near this number.
"In truth, this is very similar to that classic Midgard tale, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." Everyone turned and stared at Thor for a second, before their eyes returned to the scene before them.
Clint, laughing slightly, added, "I guess the Oompa Loompas did a better job of fumigating than the city of Manhattan, because oh my God Bruce did you see the size of the roach you just squashed? That has to be the grossest thing I've ever seen."
Natasha's eyes narrowed. "Grosser than Dahab?"
"You and I have- oh, right. No, this even beats Dahab."
Steve stepped forward, then, upon hearing the crunching sound under his foot, stopped. "Bruce, wait- where are you going? You can't take Loki on your own!"
Tony blasted a few feet in the air, then paused. "Well actually, he's kind of the only one of us who can take Loki on his own."
"I can take my brother!"
Bruce ignored his team and kept walking towards the laughing God of mischief, who was carefully balanced on what looked like a flying jet-ski. Tony Stark might have been able to identify the technology in seconds, but Bruce Banner needed a little longer than that, and he was a lot better at concentrating on the important things. Not flying jet-skis, but rather moronic Asgardian gods who transformed Times Square into a- was that a chocolate river or a wave of roaches, or both?
"Loki, what the hell is this?" He didn't even sound upset, just incredibly exhausted, and was able to spare a few moments of sympathy for Frigga.
Loki's smug smile faded. "Why aren't you green and rampaging?"
"Because I'm a little too shocked to be angry. I think my heart-rate is closer to catatonic than rage monster right now. But seriously, what is your damage?"
"Excuse me?"
Bruce shrugged. "I'm just going to come out and ask. What is your problem? Why do you do this?"
"I don't expect you mortals to understand," Loki sneered.
"Try us."
"Your small lives can't encompass the extent of Asgardian and Jotunheim politics. My people were in a war the likes your world has never seen. And at the height of that war, Thor's father, the great and powerful Odin, stole me from my world and raised me in his palace, in the shadow of the 'great and mighty' Thor."
"That sucks. I mean, yeah you were raised in a nice castle with rainbow bridges, but finding out you're adopted and your adoptive family kidnapped you has to be terrible. I, on the other hand, was just raised with an abusive father who, after years of beating up my mom and me, finally snapped, killed my mother, and is now in a mental institution where he will hopefully spend the rest of his days."
Loki's sneer disappeared, and he swallowed. Still, he persevered. "I was never to be king. My lot in life"-
"Was to be a prince, who would probably want for nothing but power to rule a kingdom, and who would watch his brother, who loves him, rule instead. Tragic. My dreams are a little simpler, but at the end of the day, the real tragedy is yours are likely more achievable. All I want is a chance to get married to the girl of my dreams, for us to live a comfortable life where we aren't chased by the military or your minions, and we can have kids because having sex won't change me into a rampaging monster. Hell, I'd settle for getting laid for the first time in ten years." Bruce went a little pink at that, knowing that Steve was probably wishing for a bucket of disinfectant right now and Tony had almost definitely already had Jarvis working on schematics for Hulk-proof sexbots.
Loki slumped into a sprawl, letting his legs hang over the mint grass that the bugs and rodents did not seem very interested in, for some reason. Sulkily, he suggested, "Just because your life sounds worse, doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my feelings."
Bruce nodded. "Absolutely. You're entitled to feel anger towards your Dad and maybe even lose a lot of your love and respect for him. You're even entitled to feeling resentment towards your brother, despite his complete ignorance and lack of fault in the matter. But um, in what universe do you think you're entitled to take out your feelings on this entire planet, on the people of this city?And yes, your little candyland looks pretty and is almost funny in a cartoonish way, but when we clean it up we're probably going to find people under this. Dead people. And we know that your last few attacks have led to casualties. People who were serving their country, people who had parents, siblings, children, and cellists, people who were just going for ice cream in New Mexico, to point in awe at the ugly Stark Towers, or just this morning stand in line to get to be a part of the studio audience of The View. And whatever you may think you are entitled to feel, those people were at least entitled to their lives."
For once, Loki seemed to be struggling for words. Bruce steamrolled right over his spluttering. "Look, I'm not judging your culture. Maybe it's totally normal to lay waste to another planet when you're dealing with intense daddy issues. But I'm going to ask that you take your daddy issues back to your daddy's planet, where you had a safe and luxurious, albeit filled with lies, childhood with constant reminders of your future status as second most powerful person on the planet. And leave us here to clean up your mess once again, starting with the families and friends of the people you killed today."
"And while you're at it, get over yourself," Tony added. "From one person with daddy issues to another, there's only so far that excuse takes you. You passed that point a long time ago. You're looking at five of the most-screwed up, permanently-traumatized people in any room, and your older brother. We get that life sucks, and I have to admit, I'm kind of appreciating the cream soda fountain touch. But speaking from experience, we all have moments of reckoning. Try to have yours before you go much further."
Loki stood up, and drew in a sharp breath. For a second, Natasha could almost see him contemplating a sardonic rejoinder, or some great explosion, but then he seemed to realize that would only expose him to ridicule and more comparisons to a spoiled child. He took the most dignified option, and left. In the blink of an eye, the God of Mischief, his transport, and the entire block of sugary delight disappeared. The bugs and rodents, unfortunately, stayed.
That, at last, brought out the Hulk.
THE END.
I don't even know, it was supposed to be funny and then it was just frustration.