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It had been two days since everything, and somehow it simultaneously felt like a decade and no time at all had passed. Their entire world had been flipped upside down, and Steve couldn’t focus on anything, except for a certain Munson boy. The group had reunited- the Cali crew rejoining them in Hawkins, and while he was grateful to see Will, and El, and even Jonathan, a little bit, he could hardly let himself be happy. They’d been helping with the efforts to rebuild Hawkins after the “earthquake”, and Steve threw himself into the work as a distraction. Nancy and Robin seemed just as grateful to have something to do. They’d just gotten back from another supply run, dropping off boxes of things from the Wheeler’s house to leave at the high school, which had been converted into the center of the relief efforts. The gym was constantly packed full of people now, people that Steve had seen around town his entire life, sorting donations and making food for the others that had lost their homes to the gates entirely. He’d seen Eddie’s uncle there a few times, replacing the missing person poster of his nephew “Edward Munson”, (Eddie never said his name was Edward), keeping up his valiant efforts against the people that kept scribbling in red marker over Eddie’s picture. He’d seen Dustin talking to him once before, teary eyed. Dustin was taking it the hardest out of all of them, especially since he was there when Eddie… when he.
Nancy and Robin joined the others back inside while Steve rummaged through his trunk, making sure there wasn’t anything else he’d missed that needed to get to the school. Nothing except for the remnants of their fight with Vecna, torn military clothes, knives, Nancy’s shotgun, and- oh.
Eddie’s vest.
He’d grabbed it at some point before the big fight, not wanting it to get lost forever if they couldn’t get back to the rv, and somehow it ended up in his car with the rest of the stuff, and somehow he’d forgotten about it, until now. He took it gingerly and closed the trunk, leaning back against it, holding the vest in front of him. He felt his eyes well up with tears for the thousandth time in the past two days, his eyes searching the dirty fabric for something, anything- what he was looking for, he didn’t know. He rubbed his thumb over one of the pins on the front, the logo for a band Steve had never heard of before and that Eddie would for sure make fun of him over not knowing.
He’d gone over everything in his head what felt like a million times. If he could have done anything. If he went with Eddie instead of Dustin, if he could have saved him. If they hadn’t gotten caught in Vecna’s vines, if they could have killed him earlier, if it would have helped. Even before the preparations for this fight, if he could have done anything- cleared Eddie’s name somehow, let him go home before he got caught up in something he wasn’t supposed to be. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was supposed to graduate. He was supposed to be alive.
Steve swallowed down a choking sob.
He kept going back and forth with himself, in his head, how he felt. That he’d only really known Eddie for, what, a week? But no matter how many times he told himself that, it didn’t help. It didn’t help the gnawing feeling at his heart that he’d never get to really address, now. He’d meant to tell him. How he’d felt. About him, about Eddie.
In retrospect, dealing with a gay crisis should have been the last thing on his mind, and yet, he couldn’t get Munson out of his thoughts. He’d known him, just vaguely, in high school, just enough for his douchebag friends to warn him to “stay away from the freak.” But after everything, after actually knowing him- it would be clear to anyone that put in the effort, that Eddie was one of the most loving people they would ever meet. Not only that, but Eddie was easy to love. Exaggerated mannerisms and a dislike of society, stereotypes covering up a heart that couldn’t do anything but care. He’d been thrust into this world that he never had to deal with before, and he’d still sacrificed himself for everyone in a heartbeat. He was a hero, not only for Dustin and the others, but the entire town, a town that hated him. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. And it didn’t help that outside of their circle, Eddie Munson was still a murderer. No one else would ever know. It wasn’t fair.
A tear rolled off the end of his nose, dripping onto the front of the vest, leaving a dark spot in the denim, barely noticeable amongst the rest of the grime. It had about three layers of dirt, from Eddie running around in the woods and Steve running around the upside down, (besides, who knew the last time Eddie had even washed it before), along with the traces of dried blood lining the inside, remnants of Steve’s demobat wounds, which had still barely healed as well. He thought of Eddie, helping save him from the bats, and him, unable to do anything to return the favor. No matter how much he thought about it, there was nothing he could have done.
He hated not being able to do anything. Maybe he wasn’t the smartest, or the strongest, or the most powerful, but he still did everything he could. He refused to back down from a fight, and he refused to let his friends get hurt when he could have stopped it. He hated that this time he couldn’t have stopped it.
Eddie really was a hero.
Dustin had told them everything, how he’d baited the bats away shredding on the guitar, (something he’d never be able to do again, and Steve had never heard him play), how he could have left with Dustin, could have ran just one more time, to save his life, and he didn’t. He was an idiot, really. Had to go and get himself killed, what, because he was tired of running? Steve had even told him not to be a hero. They didn’t need heroes, they needed everyone alive. A coward alive was far better than a hero dead. And now, because he had to sacrifice himself in valiant defense of Hawkins, he’d left Steve alone. Of course he had Robin, and Dustin, and Nancy, and everyone, but it wasn’t the same, not after… not after he’d started falling in love again.
Because he had, really, fallen in love. He wasn’t expecting it, least of all in Eddie Munson, but there was just something about him that he couldn’t get away from, and now he wanted nothing more than to get back. His dark eyes, his wide smile, the messy curls in his hair, they haunted him like a waking nightmare. The two of them couldn’t be more different, but maybe that’s what he needed. Something different. A mean looking, soft hearted boy to waltz into his life with chains and leather jackets, and leave it just as fast. He’d spent every second since getting out of the upside down analysing, not only what he could have done, but what had already happened, every minute he’d spent with Eddie, wondering if he might have felt the same, scanning through every smile, every glance, every friendly passing flirt (“don’t you, big boy?”) trying to figure out if he would have ever loved him too. It was all pointless, now, but he couldn’t help it. He wouldn’t be able to forget him, not now and not ever. Eddie Munson was entirely unforgettable.
He turned the vest around in his hands and slipped it on over his sweater, ignoring the blood and dirt as he slid his arms through. He held it close against himself as he tried to get himself to stop crying before he went inside, not really in the mood to deal with everyone asking if he was alright, because he wasn’t, but he couldn’t really explain why, could he? The smell of the denim was already fading, traces of weed and Eddie’s shitty cologne. He whispered to himself.
“Screw you, Eddie Munson, you stupid hero.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “I hope you know how loved you were.”
He left the vest on and went inside. Robin glanced at him with a curious look when he went in, but said nothing. Nancy and Jonathan were sitting on the couch leaning against each other, half asleep. The kids, notably missing Max, were arguing about something stupid as always. El sat behind Mike, smiling softly. The Wheeler parents were somewhere in another room, unaware of just how much their kids had been through. Steve sat in an empty armchair, letting himself relax. He would be okay, despite how very not okay he was right then. Everything would be okay. It had to be.