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Rui’s love language is touch. That’s the conclusion Tsukasa has come to after his second month of dating him.
It’s something he’s always kind of known because of the type of person Rui is, but ever since they stopped being friends and started being something a little more, Tsukasa estimates Rui’s become at least ten times more affectionate than he used to be. He supposes that should be expected though, since they’re dating (dating!!) now, and it’s not like the two are joined at the hip or anything; Rui’s expressions of love often vary, going from simply brushing the back of his hand against Tsukasa’s as they walk to fully coming up behind him, dropping his weight onto Tsukasa’s shoulders and wrapping himself around his waist, then subsequently refusing to move for at least the next half an hour. That one seems to be his favourite at the moment, and he always makes sure he times it when Tsukasa’s trying to concentrate on something because he, quote unquote, ‘thinks his reactions are hilarious.’
But, well, Tsukasa can’t really say he minds it that much. Or at all, really. He’s rarely the one to initiate physical contact, but he’s also rarely the first to break away because even though he will absolutely never admit it aloud, he kind of loves the amount of affection Rui gives him. He finds it really sweet, honestly, because Rui basically functions the same as a big docile cat whenever they’re alone together and seeing him so content all the time only makes Tsukasa want to hold him even tighter.
So that’s why, as they enter their third month together, it comes as a shock to Tsukasa when Rui suddenly just… stops. No more hand brushing, no more hugs from the back, no nothing. Tsukasa can’t even say they’ve returned back to how they were before they got together because even then Rui would still occasionally hold Tsukasa’s hand or lean on his shoulder, but even gestures as small as that have stopped, and he can’t for the life of him figure out why it’s happened.
“Hm?” Is Rui’s only reply when Tsukasa first asks about it, bringing it up as they eat their lunch together on the school roof. Tsukasa eventually plucked up the courage to comment on it after a few days through some roundabout remark about how Rui’s sitting further away than he usually does, which he realises right after he says it sounds really dumb.
“Yeah. It feels like you’re mad at me or something.” Tsukasa unhelpfully supplies.
“Why would I be mad at you?” Rui looks genuinely confused when Tsukasa glances at him, his head tipped to one side, and Tsukasa kind of feels bad for even suggesting that.
“I don’t know! That’s just… how it seems.” Tsukasa sighs and shakes his head. “Nevermind, forget I said anything.”
Rui still looks like he wants to speak, so Tsukasa swiftly ends the conversation there by leaning over and grabbing Rui’s tamagoyaki from his bento and shoving it into his own mouth, which is met by a deep chuckle of challenge as Rui then sweeps over to grab something from Tsukasa’s.
Tsukasa just doesn’t really know what to make of the whole thing. Rui isn’t acting off in any other way: his personality is still very much the same and none of his routines have stopped as far as Tsukasa knows, but he can feel a void where that affection used to be. It’s weird sitting next to Rui on the train home without Rui scooting up close to him to let Tsukasa rest on his shoulder, and weird that Rui doesn’t link their fingers as they walk from the station together. Tsukasa misses it.
He supposes it must be a good thing that this sudden distance isn’t a result of Rui being upset at him, but that just leaves him stumped as to what else could possibly be causing it. Rui’s a very difficult book to read, but through all the time he’s known him, Tsukasa likes to think he’s become at least somewhat good at deciphering how his boyfriend is feeling and what it is that sets off any changes in mood that he may have. This time, though, it’s almost like he’s being asked to translate from a language he doesn’t understand, with no real way to go about doing it and no one he can really confide in about it.
Their conversation over lunch weighs on Tsukasa’s mind even after he gets home, and sleeping on the issue gives him even less of an idea of what to do about it. So, on an absolute whim and for lack of basically any other way to approach the situation, he decides after school the next day to invite himself over to Rui’s house that evening. He doesn’t have a strictly logical reason for it, but the more time he spends with Rui the closer he’ll get to understanding him, right?
The excuse Tsukasa uses is that he’d suddenly remembered he wanted to check out a movie Rui had recommended to him (true) but couldn’t watch it at home because his TV doesn’t have the streaming service it’s on (false). Rui smiles that knowing smile at him, probably fully aware that he’s lying, and tells him he’d like that too.
They head straight to Rui’s house after the school’s last bell rings, and Tsukasa’s encouraged to make himself at home on the couch in Rui’s room as Rui goes to get snacks and set up the TV. In some last ditch attempt to get him to return to normal, Tsukasa picks the spot Rui likes the best near the center of the couch, the position Rui usually sits in so that he’s next to Tsukasa who sits on the end. But this time, Rui doesn’t even blink as he sits down on the far end of the couch, away from Tsukasa, and flicks on the screen to search for the movie in question.
The two of them start it together in a silence that Tsukasa thinks would usually be comfortable, but that now only seems off to him considering the circumstances. Rui’s focused entirely on the movie, seemingly not sensing that anything’s wrong, and Tsukasa has to swallow down a sigh as he looks over at him. He wishes he was better at just asking about things that bother him straight away, but sometimes that confidence he’s oh so proud of really is for naught.
They make it about twenty minutes into the movie before Tsukasa finally decides he’s had enough, and he shuffles over to Rui’s side of the couch to grab the remote from where he’d set it down next to him, hitting pause so that he can finally, finally attempt to address the real reason he came over before it eats him alive.
“Tsukasa-kun?” Rui’s tone is puzzled as he looks away from the screen, glancing over at him.
“Rui.” Tsukasa begins after a breath. “Is there any reason why you’ve stopped being so affectionate recently?” It sounds like such a stupid question, and Tsukasa almost physically cringes as the words leave his mouth, but at this point he really has no other way to approach the issue other than to ask it as plainly as he can.
“…Huh? Affectionate?” Rui doesn’t seem to fully understand what he’s getting at.
“Like, normally if we were to watch a movie together like this you’d be all over me.” Tsukasa explains, continuing. “And you haven’t been hugging me as much recently. Or, I don’t know, holding my hand. You’ve become less physical, I guess?”
Rui tilts his head, taking in Tsukasa’s words.
“I’m trying to ask if you know why that is.”
There’s a pause, and Rui brings his hand up to his mouth, eyebrows furrowing. “Have I really…?” Another short silence airs between them before Rui’s face then drops slightly. “I have, haven’t I?”
Ah. So that’s how it is.
Tsukasa doesn’t find the knowledge that Rui himself was unaware of how he’d been acting as surprising as he maybe should. He doesn’t know what it was that caused it, but Rui’s always been supremely bad at figuring out how to identify what he himself is feeling, despite how good he is at noticing and understanding when any of his friends are off. Tsukasa realises he should’ve guessed that sooner, and he mentally kicks himself for being so dense.
“Is there a reason for it?” He prompts as gently as he can.
Rui thinks for a moment, looking to be mulling something over in his head as he brings his knees up to his chest. His fisted hand is still poised over his lips as he replies, “I might have some idea.”
Tsukasa nods, waiting for him to elaborate.
“I believe it could be similar to that time you got injured because of me.” Rui starts. “I… think I worry that some of the things I do will make you and Nene and Emu-kun start to hate me like everyone else did in the past. I must’ve assumed that I was annoying you by being so clingy all the time.” He huffs out a sad laugh. “I’m sorry if I was.”
Tsukasa sighs, feeling himself smile slightly. “You weren’t, don’t worry.” As if he could ever find Rui genuinely annoying. “But what made you assume that?”
“I’m honestly not sure why it was that specifically.” Rui laughs again, but it’s empty, dry. “I must have somehow equated the way I act around you to those worries I have because you’re the person I care about the most.”
Tsukasa simultaneously feels his heart swell and break.
“Sorry, it’s weird for me to get attached to people like this, isn’t it? Because I’m such a loner, but…” Rui’s voice has started shaking a little now, and he takes an unsteady breath to compose himself. “I don’t know. When I’m with you I feel like I have somewhere to belong and I’m not sure what I’d do if I lost that.”
Tsukasa has never seen Rui cry. It’s not the kind of thing Rui does, preferring instead to hold it inside until it passes, if Tsukasa is to judge from past experience. But right now he does look awfully close, and Tsukasa watches with poorly-disguised concern as Rui dodges his gaze, swallowing very shakily as he tries to make himself as small as possible on the couch.
“Ah, I’m sorry. I killed the mood. Do you want to keep watching, or—” Rui hurriedly continues, voice almost cracking, before Tsukasa cuts him off. He closes the distance between them, wordlessly pulling Rui into his arms and pressing Rui’s face to his shoulder.
Rui’s breath hitches, freezing at the sudden embrace. But the tension evaporates almost as quickly as it formed, and Tsukasa feels Rui slump against him, hands balling up in the fabric of Tsukasa’s cardigan. Tsukasa holds him very gently, almost worried he’ll shatter if he squeezes too hard.
“Nothing you could do will ever make me leave you, Rui. Please believe me when I say that.” Tsukasa says.
Rui doesn’t reply, apparently not trusting himself to speak, but Tsukasa feels him quiver a little in his arms. He slowly moves one hand around to Rui’s back and starts to lightly draw circles with his finger, comforting him in a way he wishes he’d done sooner.
“For the record,” Tsukasa continues. “how affectionate you are is one of the things I love the most about you. I may send mixed signals sometimes but I do actually really like it. When you… hug me and stuff.” Now is a very bad time to be getting flustered, so he tries to fight back his blush as he concentrates on Rui’s back. “Have I ever told you you’re kind of like a cat in that sense? It’s cute.”
Rui grips Tsukasa’s clothes a little tighter at that, and Tsukasa feels himself smile into Rui’s hair. It’s comforting to be able to hold Rui like this, his whole world quite literally in his hands.
He already knew about the issues Rui has had in the past with abandonment and being perceived as abnormal from Nene, but he had no idea they ran as deep as they evidently did. Rui does have a place he belongs next to Tsukasa, next to Wonderlands x Showtime, next to all of the other friends he’s made and who he holds so dear, and Tsukasa can only hope that he’s able to remember that when things like this happen in the future. And, well, if he can’t, he at least hopes he knows Tsukasa will be there to remind him.
Tsukasa isn’t sure how much time passes before Rui finally pulls away, wiping his hand across his face. He’s smiling, but it’s not his usual grin and it’s not a wall he’s put up like earlier either; it’s small and it’s genuine.
“Thank you.” What he says is simple, but Tsukasa can feel the weight of his words as he speaks.
He smiles right back at him, almost overwhelmed by the pure affection he has for this boy.
And then Tsukasa’s brain suddenly clocks the TV screen, still paused on an unflattering frame of the main actor mid-blink, and he feels himself jolt upright. “Crap, should I put the movie back on? Sorry for suddenly pausing it.”
“Go ahead.” Rui’s still smiling, and he leans back into Tsukasa as he presses play again, resting his head on Tsukasa’s shoulder as the two of them sit beside each other on the end of Rui’s couch.
Tsukasa had been too busy in his own head earlier to really catch what the movie’s about, but Rui seems to be enjoying it so he thinks he is too. He slips his hand into Rui’s, grateful for the affection. He’s so warm, and all Tsukasa can think about is how much he’s missed that these past few days.
Tsukasa knows how much Rui doubts himself, how flawed he seems to think he is, but to Tsukasa, all of those flaws are just more things he loves about him. It’s okay if Rui sometimes has episodes like these because Tsukasa has resolved to always be there to help him through them. He’ll hold Rui’s worries himself when they become too much for him to bear.
If the shoulder of Tsukasa’s cardigan had been slightly damp when Rui had looked up, if Rui’s eye makeup had been slightly smudged after he’d finally pulled away from Tsukasa, well, why should he mind? What matters is that he’s here, and he’s his. For all his baggage and his self-perceived flaws. Tsukasa only hopes that Rui never forgets that.