Chapter Text
Her memories could be akin to stars.
The most dazzling were the most cherished. She could remember them clearly in her mind. A perfect fragment that could be replayed. There was a vividness that she could not quite place, but it was not unwelcomed. If she closed her eyes now, she could remember the memory as if it was yesterday.
Yet just like the stars within a vast sea; numerous would glow, fade, then blur as they distanced from the focus of her mind. Familiar, but distant voices echoed as ghosts. There was a time that she remembered so acutely once. What time? Byleth was not sure anymore. Those memories struggled to manifest and play for her now. She would often wonder if perhaps her most cherished were only because she could remember. Desperately, clawing in agony to hold on to them.
These memories felt like a never-ending cycle. When the recent begin to wane, then the new would come and shine in their place. Her once shallow lake, soon turned into a sea that swiftly became an endless abyss. Each star fading to the bottom as it disappeared in the darkness.
Byleth was unsure when this feeling began to develop and consume her. The hole she knew made her different from others the moment she was born. A reminder she was not sure could ever be filled.
One day, a stirring occurred. Within her dreams, she floated in an ocean. Byleth’s brows scrunched in confusion at such a scene. Her dreams often were of nothing or of a little girl that slept on a throne. However, she supposed a part of her mind wanted to be creative. Though that reason did not quite work for her either.
She kept sinking, deeper into the serene ocean. Despite the light fading as she fell, there was a sense of relief. As if, she belonged there after all. It felt as if that missing piece suddenly filled momentarily in the silent drift. The fleeting moment of wholeness, however, was soon consumed by a suffocating weight. Feelings or emotions that she never felt overwhelming her. Drowning her. Where her body was once dainty down into the darkness, a pull began to drag her further. The horrible feeling seemingly became weighted tethers as Byleth struggled to move. Her franticness only worsened as she could “feel” more of these intense emotions begin to overstimulate her. The darkness and silence of the ocean morphed to a deafening ring in her ears.
Guilt. Despair. Longing. Yearning. Loneliness. Love. Hopelessness. Loss. Grief. Acceptance.
A part of her was not sure how she could identify it, but she could feel the pain it inflicted on her. Stabbing with relentless abandon into her overloaded mind. Memories flashed in and out of her focus. Moments of a time she was sure did not happen now or yet. All the same, she knew they meant something. Byleth was only able to identify it because of the consistent jabs. Each one is growing more painful than the last.
Yet, her body trembled as if knowing this was not the end. She could sense that beyond this would inflict everlasting trauma into her. Then as if on cue, she felt it. The torment of suffering flared into a monstrous agony. Byleth realized she was trying to scream. Whatever sense she could muster knew this was wrong. She was known as the Ashen Demon, she never cried or let out her pain. Ever. This was uncharacteristically wrong, terribly unlike the image she upheld. Her body withered at the torture it was enduring.
It was not just mentally, but physically as well. Each memory dug in deeper as if it tried to etch itself into her body to never lose the sensation even if she ever forgets. Heat that spread like molten to the point she was sure that the water around her bubbled too.
At this point, she was unsure if she truly could feel it, or if she was finally dying. Byleth was trying to find anything to occupy her tender min. She began to tighten her focus around these fragmented memories that were the cause of it all.
Despite the horrible sensation they brought, she could sense these memories were not just precious, but meant to be something beyond what her current self could not comprehend.
After what seemed to be hours of attempting to concentrate, the images began to make sense.
She would assume they would be of her father or perhaps the days she just enjoyed fishing. However, why would that bring much anguish then?
Instead, she was met often with glimpses of gold from a tall man she never met. He reminded her of the rays of light that radiated from the sun she liked to sit under. Even though he towered over her memory self like a beast, she did not feel alarmed. His gaze was soft towards her. Despite his large calloused hands, he held her as if she was the most treasured person in the world. The way he spoke was full of endless affection and whispers of everlasting devotion. Then, his smile, that was something she was sure she could never forget.
‘Mesmerizing…’ she thought, the word seemed familiar.
Byleth still wondered if this was a vision of her future. Maybe this was her possible soulmate? Actually, she was not sure if that was the right term at all. The word itself only came to mind as she was given a book she might have liked to read. Outside of general work and chores, there’s not much to do for a mercenary if they weren’t already drunk. Her father was literate and managed to teach her. While she enjoyed factual books, those of fantasy were hard to grasp in its appeal. The other mercs mentioned that it was popular with the other girls. She did read it, but she still didn’t understand. It seemed outlandish to think there was someone out there meant for them.
Perhaps it made sense now. Even slightly.
She continued to bask in this man’s everything. In her limited life experience, she never felt the need or urge to love. Byleth’s days were spent traveling with her father, fishing, mercenary work, and getting her hands on food. The idea of being cherished by anyone was almost laughable. If she could laugh that is. Her reputation of being a cold monster would have potential candidates looking away. Yet, this unnamed man she never met seemed to think otherwise. The memories of his continuous warmth for her gave some strength to ignore the pain she was still being exposed to. Unfortunately, that was not enough as she was hit with an electrifying terror that the knife was no longer stabbing, but mutilating her entire being.
Lives were as fleeting as the newly bloomed flowers in the spring. There was no guarantee of a long life, especially as a merc. But this man he…–
Her back arched as she began to scream into the now void sea. Although silent, she could hear the ringing of what her voice would sound in her ears. The anguish wails of a woman that lost so much, now able to hear how distorted and broken she would become. No physical pain can replicate what she just saw. Her tortured body currently could not amount to the unforeseen horror that lied ahead. The grief she will soon face with this man she was fated to be with.
This can’t happen right? There has to be another way. If not he–
Suddenly, she was given some clarity. The pain lifted as she was once more back in a vivid blue sea facing the light above. A voice that was similar to her own, but not, radiated with emotion spoke:
“There WILL be a way, fate will not take him short of this life. Not yet.”
She realized that she echoed back with the other voice as the dream dimmed. Her body felt heavy as she grew tired from what was endured tonight. Before the dream came to a conclusion she muttered with her own voice alone:
“Not yet...with or without you in this life I-”
─────◇♢◇─────
When Byleth awoke, the dream she witnessed left a mild discomfort. Honestly she could not even recall most of it. The sensation persisted and she would assume she would continue on her daily routine. This ideal thought ended prematurely. She could sense that her entire balance was off the moment she woke up. While her attitude and form seemed spotless to the mercenaries around her, she could sense Jeralt’s was aware of the opposite.
In regards to Jeralt especially, she felt her eyes sting upon seeing him this morning. Her unbeating heart that she forgets exists was heavy in her chest. The feeling was foreign, but she deduced it was not a bad one. When she approached Jeralt, there was an urgency to give him a hug. She refrained herself, she was not known to give much of a handshake to anyone. It would only be considered odd and suspicious behavior if she reached out.
The tiny camp the mercenaries made was bustling. There was an assignment given to them from a minor lord. Apparently there was a feud between their client and another opposing lord. Regardless of their petty squabble, their payment was what mattered. They would no doubt end up at odds with another mercenary group that the other will hire. Being a mercenary had the fortunate or unfortunate odds against weaker or stronger groups.
Assumedly, they are from the stronger category. From the many encounters with other rivals, the results ended in annihilation or killing the employer to end in forfeit. Despite being at odds, there was no point in adding onto more bloodshed. A job is a job, they could live to find pay away from her mercenaries. It would seem reputable, but Byleth just found it a waste of energy to kill for sport. If they did recruit any leftovers, she never held any bad blood towards them anyway. Water under the bridge she heard one say to Jeralt.
A sigh escaped her as she checked over their inventory. They were actually quite close to their assignment, but decided to take a quick break to check over supplies. Surprisingly, she was the one that recommended this suggestion. The reason was legitimate enough. A part of her knew of the real reason, but she still could not recall.
Lately, she feels her body is not completely her own. Perhaps it was the dream she had today, but it affirmed that weirdness that has been washing over her. When exactly this started to occur was uncertain. She would often find herself clenching her fist. The gesture was enough to anchor whatever was disbalancing her.
Aside from these strange events, which now thinking about it was long happening before today, she was also beginning to hear voices now. Probably not a good sign. They were quiet, but distinct. She would assume as well that she had excellent memory too. But that quickly became doubtful as these were the voices of people she positively has not yet met. None of them stuck out notably as they continued to talk over each other. Except one, a particularly loud one. He seemed to address her directly at times too. The sharp pain that burned in her chest would return in full force when trying to concentrate on his voice. Quickly, she ignores him in order to avoid the pain again. The same pain she felt this morning…a distant time ago too. When? She keeps trying to count back.
Byleth counted the days prior, but there were blurs. The window of them occurring was small. When they happened she would be in agony. Then they left as fast as they disappeared, leaving holes in her memory. Not normal. She was a person of habit. How could she unravel so easily to forget such concerning matters?
One thing felt certain, whoever that voice belonged to should not matter. He could be dangerous. Even in her distant dream, this person’s everything wanted to cut through her too. His face, his voice, his…yes, just his everything wanted to embed himself so deep into her soul that reality itself was drowned out when he was in her focus. The pain had to be the reminder of that. A soulmate like in that book? No, that cannot be right. Maybe an enemy she was fated to meet? At least that was the only conclusion in her limited understanding of feelings.
Yes, she would accept that answer. This did happen before. Right? This was a similar situation she was in…once…when…?
When was it again…?
─────◇♢◇─────
Today was important, crucial.
Byleth was not sure why it was. Petty work for shallow lords arguing over mundane things only they could care about. Yet, something in the back of her mind was keeping her on high alert. There was not a moment to dwell as she went with her group.
Like she expected the other day, they would be up against another set of mercenaries. It would seem to be Berling’s Mercenaries and they were already in the fight. Byleth sighed as she pushed forward to find their captain.
She could feel the hairs on her neck stand up as Berling turned her attention towards her. While most were not so willing to throw themselves directly at her, she did need to give some credit to this captain. The air felt tense as time itself seemed to slow. Distorted noise came out of Berling’s yell. Confusion came second as she swiftly took out the opposing woman.
There was another shout. It was loud enough that she wanted to cover her ears. While the voice was not as distorted, she turned immediately to identify the person behind it. Her gaze locked onto him, and she could feel a voice similar to her own mutter incoherently. No, no voices right now. Any pain coming from her delusions will be an inconvenience. She needed to end this quickly before the painful migraine started to creep in again.
Outwardly, she managed to remain stoic and calm. The man in front of her indicated he was angry.
“Stand down or die.”
There was her warning, her tone cold towards the man. His stance was wild and so was the resentment. He moved and did the first hit. Her words did not deter him as a part of her hopes. Then today will be his grave. She followed back up with an attack as well.
Usually, she would end it with an immediate cut down. One so abrupt that the victim would not be able to finish a single blink. Instead there was laziness to her movement as she kept blocking his attack. Despite his fierce hits, there was not much strategy to him. His form was sloppy, arms lamely flailing, and he was reacting with emotion rather than logic as he kept trying to strike her down with barrages of hits. He was practically an open book.
‘Enough of this.’
She landed a quick hit on him and the anger in his face flushed pale. Expected. He managed to recover from his shock as he rushed in on her again. The same as before, and she was losing her patience to keep entertaining him. There was an exchange between the mercenary and his fallen comrade, but she didn’t bother paying attention. Her migraine was just getting worse.
Blocking his next hit, she took the advantage by punching him after. Unbalanced, he managed to not fall over. With an ungraceful turn, he attempted another hit. She brought her leg out as he tripped on her foot. Tightening her grip on the hilt of the sword, she thrusted it forward with unnatural force as he flew.
Easily outmatched, now to finish him. She stepped forward, but her legs felt heavy. Strolling over should not feel this way. Why was she going so slow? He was down, she could just kill him now. This mercenary was not a threat to her. It was an easy kill. End his short existence and find Jeralt. Finish the client’s mission then…wait then find …then find-!!
‘Stop…no…you mustn’t..!’
Byleth immediately froze. The feeling in her limbs was lost as she frantically told herself to move already. Panicked, she looked ahead and saw the other stopped in place. No breathing or movement. Still he was in that uncanny state. What’s going on?
There was only the deafening noise of the blood rushing through her. No sounds of the mercenaries, the wind, or this soon-to-be dead man’s attempts to get up. A faint sound of glass started to crack. Quiet was the initial sound, then erupting to a loud shatter and Byleth swore that the man in front of her was also being broken like a mirror.
‘He must live to save our beloved.’
An itch infected her throat. The irritable itch started to close in her throat. Burns. Her throat burns. Her throat BURNS!
‘He must be the one to change fate. Do not interfere.’
The migraine flared into the pain she feared to face again. Heat was coursing through her. Too much. This was all too much! What is going on!?
“W-Why does this hurt so much?” Byleth managed to choke out, voice sounding pathetic and out of character in her own ear.
She was met with momentary silence. The voice that echoed into her ears breathed in. A voice full of life. That’s not right. Mourning? Noticeably they shared the same voice, but that could not be right either? None of this is right. Byleth is tired, she wants to sleep forever if it means the pain and confusion will finally stop.
‘To save the one and only him,’ the mockery of that voice finally spoke.
Him…? Who was that then?
Who?
WhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowhoWhowhowhowhowhowho-
The answer was obvious, she wasn’t fooling anyone, but herself. She knew exactly. His name was at the tip of her tongue every moment she heard him speak with that warmth she wanted to bask in. If she dared to even mouth his name, then her unbeating heart would start being smashed into several pieces. Her beautiful painful memory, his sky eyes, and the vivid blue, her lion–
‘You can only–’
His name was…–?
‘–create new possibilities in the past.’
His name is…is…–
‘This other future–’
Dimi–!
‘–Will finally belong to him alone.’
─────◇♢◇─────
When she managed to get a hold of her mind, the glass finally shattered. Coming to, her body was now behind her mercenaries. She became dumbfounded. Wasn’t she…? Byleth furrowed her brow at the situation in front of her. There was a flash of what happened in tandem to that moment she witnessed. It left an impression, but aside from the awful pain, the rest was beginning to fade again.
There was no time to think about it now. This mercenary, whatever power he gained, was now killing her comrades. She needs to at least stall him. Wait–
“Interesting. You’re fighting like an entirely different person.” She said with some interest.
Byleth decided to enter the fray again. Quick on her heels, she ambushes him through a crowd of her crew he was not focused on. Their swords clashed once more and she bided her time. His power was mostly raw strength, but she could tell he was still no match for her if she actually attempted to–
‘Don’t.’
The grip on her hilt was starting to dig into her hands at the sudden self-restraint. Was she always holding it this tightly? No matter, the fight was about to end. He was apparent in his limit and she would just be kicking down a wounded horse if she just slapped him even once.
“That’s enough! We did what we came to do. Everyone, fall back!” A voice boomed loudly in the night sky.
She moved back from her opponent and relaxed her hold on the weapon. Their mission was a success it seemed. A part of her wanted to let out a sigh of relief, but the hole in her chest felt…bigger somehow. The man she was facing seemed in complete shock though. His power began to fade and he visibly bristled when she showed signs of leaving.
“Sorry, but this fight is over.” She deadpanned and immediately turned on her heel to make her exit.
“Hey, wait!” Stubborn, he sounded like he was about to have a tantrum. Maybe best to just ignore him.
“Why?” Her voice responded immediately. Why indulge further and waste her breath? “We’ve achieved our goal. Your goal was to stop us, and you failed.”
“Grrr…!” He growled. Yup, he definitely sounded like he was going to have a tantrum.
“Another time, perhaps.” She said with finality, and began to walk away. His voice could still be heard as she moved further away. Closing her eyes, she ignored the sound of his body collapsing. Keep moving forward.
If she looks back and kills him–then nothing will change.
It will all be for naught, the pain will come back again. Did she want to experience this horrible pain again?
Did she?
─────◇♢◇─────
The path back to Jeralt was quiet. Her world felt as if it was turning a darker shade of gray than what she was already seeing prior. Voices coming from their comrades were hard to hear. They weren’t distorted, but felt like static…? The words of her father didn’t quite reach her either, but she was relieved to know he wasn’t sounding the same as the rest of them.
She spoke, but was she actually speaking? The voice was the same, her body was the same, she wasn’t any different than earlier. Her movements were fine, she could see fine. That disgusting bile that’s been trying to force its way up her throat was ignored. Recalling was ignored, she’d ignore it.
“Hey kid, are you ok over there? You haven't touched your meal.” Jeralt’s voice broke her out of the trance she was in.
“Right, I was simply thinking about our supply and inventory again.”
“Again? We did that the other day, I’m positive we didn’t go overboard with it.”
“I was meaning the medical supplies for the rest of the wounded. We had a few more casualties than normal.” She stated as she took a bite of her food. It tasted…of nothing. “It would not hurt to use the most of it rather than being frugal. The pay would only have a small dent once we calculate how much we need to re-stock.”
“Oh yeah, I heard from some of our wounded that the last mercenary that belonged to Berling was throwing them around like a sack of potatoes.” Jeralt took a slug out of his drink. “Not only was he fast, he glowed too apparently. Maybe he’s a ghost.”
“Yes, he was not a normal one...” Byleth found herself hesitating to tell him she had spared the lone merc, opting to be more ambiguous.
“Well, at least we got the job out of the way, let’s get to finishing up here and back to work.”
She nodded and observed the people around them eating. A feeling of nostalgia washed over her at the scenery. This scenario felt as if she actually hasn’t sat here to enjoy it in a long time. They were just eating like this last night, but the feeling always comes back when it’s serenely quiet. Dismissing these thoughts, she attempted to swallow down her food. The taste was there…sort of, but if she savored it more, then it would begin to vanish from her tongue.
Strange…when did this happen?
─────◇♢◇─────
Her memories and dreams feel the same as her reality, but worse.
There was no vivid blue, or a girl on the throne again. She was completely alone in an abyssal sea. It was hard to make out what was going on with how dark it was. The sea reached around her waist. Ripples from her movement was the only way to tell she was in a bigger area of water. When she decided to gaze at her arm, it was a sickly pale color. Actually, her entire body was too. The lack of reflection was not needed to see the face she had. No need to see the eyes that were once empty, now hollow.
Byleth did not know what to make of it, what to say of it, but a part of her felt that this was all deserved. The hole in her heart that was once so shallow sunk and became an endless void.
These have been her dreams lately. Alone with her empty thoughts. Anything that tried to remind of anything from a distant time would only be drowned away into the black sea once more. She can’t remember. She did not want to remember. She wishes to forget.
Bury. Bury. Bury. Bury. The pain will never be if she keeps it buried.
This was for the best. For what? Byleth could not tell anymore. All her life she led it to be simple. To be with her dad and fight. Why would she want more? Who would want to talk to a demon that knew nothing more than slaughter? Yet, she did want to know. What was out there that made her insides feel even emptier than she used to be. To drive her to be even more withdrawn than before. Was that even possible? Did it happen before or in her future?
While she is mostly her own person, there’s still a force inside that is very much her as well. This is the part that drives her further away. Her anguish is deep, so deep that there is a wall oozing with what she could not contain.
One day, they’ll eventually fuse together as a single mind. She is not sure why she feels that way, but certainly it will come one day. Or she could just die eventually. Either by the hands of that lone mercenary or something entirely. Possibilities, but there was no fear at the idea.
A sigh came through her as she found herself swirling around in the darkness of self-loathing and regret. While she liked to sleep, the fact she dreamed of this almost every night made her wish she was just an insomniac instead. There was no comfort in reality or here, unless it was fishing time with Jeralt. Brief happiness only to be propelled back into this never ending emptiness she was trapped in. Although, this was indeed all willful compliance on her part.
She stood in the rising water and stared out blankly. The water would even start to rise until she was close to drowning. Then she’d wake up. Repeating this cycle has got to be mind numbing.
The water followed a pattern when she stood perfectly still, but that pattern broke suddenly when a pair of hands grabbed her lower elbows.
What–
This was not supposed to happen. It’s been the same for nearly six months now! What’s changed this time?
These large hands that grabbed most of her arms were rough against her skin. She kept still, looking down and noticing the water beginning to bubble. Something, no, someone was coming up as she saw damp hair surface out of the tainted water. This person was definitely a man.
A loud cough could be heard and she felt her head spin. Familiar, but she mustn’t try to think back who this was. If she does then–
“You…you weren’t there…” The mysterious man whimpered out. No words were said as she waited for him to look up. As he did, her eyes widened and the air in her throat closed.
“Why…whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy–” he started to repeat like a broken record, his glowing blue eye ripped fear into her as she tried to move back. Those weren’t the vivid blue she once remembered. He held his grip tighter.
“Byleth! Forgive me, I shouldn’t…! I wasn’t strong enough to ig-ignore them…pl-please, forgive me…! I did not wish to forsake you, forsake our love. I should have not allowed my weakness to take root in our happiness!” He cried out to her as he spoke, she still remained quiet. Her mind struggles to organize and think, this was going too fast.
“Come back to me, come back please bel-”
“NO! DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT!! P-Please, d-don’t!!” she shouted. Not that word, she can’t bear to hear it. The resolve that was weakly made will crumble. It has yet been completely reinforced with her current self. Her voice did not feel like her own, and her body was trembling. This shouldn’t be real. He shouldn’t even be here, remembering them. What they used to be. This man, no mimic, is a mockery coming in to insult her. She must truly hate herself to conjure his image.
Her hysterical yell managed to silence his rambles. The gaze he had was cautious and worried. Her outburst scared them both. They both stared at each other in silence for a long time. He seemed concerned he’d upset her further and remained quiet. Byleth then reached out her hands instinctively to reach and gently cup the sides of his exhausted face. His eye, pleaded to her quietly. He brought his arms around her naked frame and held her close. She gazed at him quietly as her eyes softened. The warmth…he was always so warm.
“Please forget about me.” She said firmly, finally finding her words. His arms tighten their hold and begin to bruise her. This must be a test on her resolve.
“I can’t! I won’t! I will never live in this world without you!” He shouted, desperate to keep her close. The water around them began to rise and she could see he was starting to go under. Even when he struggled to swim up to her level, it appeared he couldn’t.
“It’s for the best–”
“NO IT’S NOT!” He roared, not caring if he sounded like a spoiled child. The blonde was practically wailing now. There were tears falling from his face as she felt her own sting, threatening to fall.
Her dream shook as he cried out.
“Even if you change my fate, I swear to you I’ll ALWAYS find you! Again, and again, and again! We’ll be together forever! Just as we vowed! I can’t…no…I will NEVER let you go! So…Please! PLEASE!! Please, please, p-please, goddess, no, no, no, no, don’t do this! Don’t leave me alone, not again!”
He shivered similarly to a wet lion cub. His head laid against the bare of her chest. The sounds of his broken sobs had her body shaking abnormally. A desperate need to do something. To comfort him. She wanted to move. He was in pain, but her entirety was frozen in place.
“If you go, take me with you…I don't want to face this world alone without you...I NEED you by my side. No one else, so pl-please…”
Time didn’t flow normally in the empty dreamscape they were in. For what felt like hours, all she could hear was her most important person crumbling apart. Despite the circumstance, his presence was just as warm and comforting as it was then. That as she tries to accept the reality she created, there were rips and tears trying to fight back the urges to return. Even if she will no longer remember them, him…there would never be solace either. No reprieve that the pain will ever stop.
Yet, she was doing this for him. For them, her students. Her father and Sothis. This was the best outcome. Even if others she cared for, took in, and taught once might die this time. The decision was made.
There was no going back. Not anymore.
“My love.” She cooed at him. Her voice sounded sweet, solemnly gentle. A similar way another lifetime ago she once spoke those words for the first time at the Goddess Tower. From then on, she would continue to do so. The madness in his eye dulled to an ache. Yearning to hear more of her, but tired as they closed. The pain in uttering forbidden words tore into her, but she ignored it to give him a final comfort as the ocean arose.
The sea began to finally drown the man in her arms. Water was entering his mouth as the only visible part of him was just his face and the hair that framed it. He was barely moving, stuck in a trance-like state when she spoke to him. There were occasions of him coughing, but he seemed eager to hear her answer.
This would be the last time, the last time she could ever…no it will be the last time. Forever. She lowered herself to give him a firm kiss good-bye, then whispered:
“Please live, Dimitri.”
The sea swallowed him, then her, and she abruptly woke up. Warped chirping that she heard from the birds lately had slowly eased back to their natural tune. She got up and touched her face. Wet…were these tears? Byleth tried to recall her dream.
But she couldn’t.