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Since the party started, James hadn’t spoken to anyone yet. He had simply sat in a corner, in an armchair, with the sole aim of avoiding any other form of human life that was present that evening.
He knew his parents would most likely throw it back at him the next morning, but he couldn't find the exact willpower to get up, walk to the center of the Fairchild Hall and start talking to other people. Surely Thomas and Christopher would have asked him what was wrong with him tonight, and he just didn't want to dig into the most hidden corners of his mind to find an answer, or at least an excuse.
Because James just didn't understand what was wrong with him tonight. He had spent the week before the party mentally preparing for what was going to happen, focusing on how he could dismember the anger, pain and nausea he would feel at seeing her.
Because, of course, when he arrived Grace was already there, next to Charles, icy and expressionless and, as expected, she hadn't dared to look at him. But James knew this would be the way it was. He knew that he could not have expected his life to turn out differently: that he would never marry Grace, that in public they would have to pretend they had never met and that he would spend every day trying in vain to repress that claw digging into his rib cage every time he thought of her.
That’s why it was better to sit down, hide in a corner and wait. He didn't even know what he was waiting for. Perhaps a fire, that someone got sick or even the attack of a demon. He would accept anything to get out of that room and never see anyone again.
Suddenly he saw it, a golden flicker that moved stealthily at the ends of the room, trying not to be noticed by anyone, despite being the clearest and most visible person in the whole room. When James's gaze fell on Matthew, his best friend and parabatai, he felt relieved by the weight he didn't know was crushing his chest, and it was as if there was no one else around him right now.
He forgot about Grace, his parents, his other friends and family, and without realizing it he found himself standing, ready to follow Matthew wherever he would go, as he unknowingly had done since their first meeting at the Academy.
James was struck by the realization that he had actually spent the rest of his evening waiting for Matthew to show up, as always, because the very idea of having to be alone in that room full of people for another moment had started to make him nauseous.
When he reached him, Matthew turned abruptly, and gave him the kind of smile he always saved for him, his Jamie, his parabatai, half of his soul. James felt something inside him melt, and he realized for the first time that evening how, most likely, things could have turned out well for him too. Because Matthew was there and he was dragging him by the wrist into his room, and at that moment it was the only thing that mattered.
Even though his best friend's pace was uncertain, a clear sign that he had started drinking before he left the salon, James quickly knew where he was taking him. He had walked those stairs and that corridor so many times to get to him that by now he would have been able to orient himself inside the Fairchild house even in the dark, even without any light to tell him where he was going.
Although he and Matthew had known each other for years, the emotions he felt walking through that corridor were always the same, it was the only moment in which he felt safe from the world, in which all the pain he carried inside began to make sense if he then was allowed to be with Matthew even for five minutes, if only to watch him and hear him talk about poetry, about his dream of buying a house in London and moving there, and then hosting the Merry Thieves every night after their outings for London.
It had become his safe haven, the place where he was allowed to leave it all behind, because Matthew didn't care that he was a demon, he didn't care about his broken heart or the darkness that followed him wherever he went; Matthew had enough light for both of them.
He was torn from his thoughts by the sound of a slamming door and immediately accused the absence of Matthew's hand, which until then had remained around his wrist. He watched his friend throw himself onto his bed and then remain motionless in that position, with the bottle of wine in one hand and the other arm supporting his head.
His eyes were still half closed and James remained leaning against the door to impress in his mind the blissful gaze of his best friend and how it reminded him of the representation of the Angel Raziel depicted on a tapestry of his home. It seemed extraordinarily ironic to him how a boy with the appearance of an angel was so attached to him, who was literally a demon; the two of them complemented each other like day and night.
Matthew jerked his head up, still resting on his left arm, gave James his signature sly grin and said, "Are you going to stay up all night or do you think that sooner or later you will come and sit next to me?"
His friend's deliberately mocking tone made him blush, it seemed to him that he could catch fire at any moment there, in front of Matthew's door, for a simple sentence, for the two bright green eyes that dug into his soul, for the way his lips had curled to smile at him like that, for how much he wanted to...
"Jamie?" the flow of his thoughts was, fortunately, suddenly interrupted "Jamie, are you alright?" No, I’m not. Not at all. I shouldn't, not again. "Of course".
He walked to the bed, sat down and snatched the bottle from his friend's hands, because at that moment staying sober would only have made him sink into his paranoia, and that was the last thing he needed.
He felt the alcohol burn in his throat and mentally cursed himself for what he was doing, wondering how it was possible that the other boy could find it pleasant when it just made him want to throw up. But at the moment, alcohol remained the lesser evil.
After taking three long gulps, he lay down next to his friend and began to look at the ceiling of the room which he now knew by heart and which he had learned to appreciate after all the times he had been there, in that same position, talking about how at times it seemed to him that he was sinking deeper and deeper into darkness, that he was getting lost in the abyss that he tried to avoid with all his might without succeeding and of how, sometimes, he thought he no longer wanted to fight that feeling and that he would rather lose himself forever in the Shadows Realm.
"Why did you leave the party?" Matthew finally began. "I thought you had been waiting for it for months to... you know". But no, James did not know, and he did not understand what his friend was speculating about, because it was impossible that he was talking about...
"No!" James snapped immediately. "I never expected it, I never really wanted it." he suddenly blushed, but without exactly understanding why. "And this is your house, aren’t you supposed to welcome your guests or stay behind your mother?"
“Jamie” Matthew's smirk was evident in his words “Welcome guests? I understand that it will be a tremendous pain for them to be deprived of my presence tonight, but they can wait.” He took another sip.
"As you like. anyway I'm happy with your escape, you saved me tonight ".
“Oh, really? Saved you from what? Another proposal from any shadowhunters family who has seen you tonight?”
“No one wants me to marry their daughters” The mere thought of marrying a woman made him shiver. “Anyway you are the diamond of the season. They would literally kill to get their hands on the Fairchild’s golden boy. Everyone downstairs only has eyes for you, my friend.”
Now Matthew was laughing loudly. “Yeah, Jamie. Literally anyone. Raziel, I’d rather remain sober for the rest of my life than marry some girl down there”.
James couldn't actually believe the words spoken by his friend: he knew that, one day, Matthew would marry someone who was just perfect for him. He always got what he wanted. And James was too fond of losing all of his friends, he was sure that he'd lose all of them someday.
He was certain that he would lose Matthew for some girl out there and that he would remain just a memory, the only good one of his teen years.
“JAMIE! Are you even listening to me? How is it possible that I'm drinking, yet you’re the one who’s drunk here?”
James bumped his fist into his friend’s shoulder.
“Oh come on, leave me alone: I already have to live with the thought of you marrying a girl. I wasn’t thinking about it and now that you mentioned it… Raziel, give me that damned bottle.”
James felt a sudden rush of anger flew through his chest, he took the battle from his parabatai hands and chugged a long sip of golden poison. He just had to stop thinking for a night, he just had to get lost in alcohol, to get lost in Matthew and not think about that.
“Jamie I know what you’re thinking right now… you know that I'd never leave you, not for all the gold in the world. I'd never abandon you for some other girl or some other boy. And, you got to believe me, I try everyday to make you understand that I'd never get away from you, even if you betrayed me, even if you decided that I'm not worth it anymore, because maybe I was never worth it… I’ll always be here, I'll always wait for you to leave the Shadow Realm behind you to follow me into the light”.
James was speechless. He didn’t know what to say, but this wasn’t really a new feeling for him. He never knew what to say. And it hadn’t always been like that. He always knew how to behave around Matthew, he always knew…
“Matthew, I can't leave the Shadow Realm behind. That’s the whole problem. I can’t leave behind something that is so strongly connected with myself. And that’s why I’ll end up alone anyway, I could never ask you to follow me into the Shadows.”
“But I would!” Now Matthew was looking at him, his deep green eyes melted into James’ golden ones, another deadly reminder of how he was literally the grandson of a demon. “I would follow you into the shadows anytime, you don’t even need to ask. I am made to follow you wherever you go, that’s the only reason I am alive on this earth. Jamie, please, please, let me crack your armor, let me come with you.” Matthew put his hands on James’ face and they just stayed there, without saying anything else.
James didn’t know if it was the alcohol he had just drunk or something else, he found himself hypnotized by the other boy’s eyes.
Right there and then, he didn’t want anything else.
He didn’t need anything else in the world.
He just needed to feel Matthew close, he just needed to feel Matthew closer. To get lost in the familiar smell of his best friend, the only one who had always been there, the other half of his soul.
Eventually Matthew felt the same way as him, because James could feel that he was, in fact, getting closer. And he didn’t want to step back, he didn’t have the right amount of goodwill to actually step back.
For the first time in his life, he allowed himself not to think about the consequences of his actions. He allowed himself to finally feel Matthew's breath hit his face before feeling his lips tenderly touched by the other boy’s lips.
It was like beginning to breathe for the first time after years; used to the feeling of drowning in his own shadow, Matthew was the first catch of breath he could get after being kept with his head underwater all his life.
It was everything he ever wanted from the beginning, and feeling Matthew’s hand intertwined in his black hair while the other one trailed all over his body reminded him that it was really happening. Everything was real, it wasn’t a shadow, it was Matthew and Matthew was the only light he’d ever known.
Matthew, who smelled of brandy and familiarity, and also tasted of brandy and familiarity had chosen him to be his parabatai. Had chosen to entrust his life to him. And he still chose him, even if he faced his shadows he decided that it was worth it to have James in his life.
"Oh, Jamie. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to finally have you like this..” And it was true, he had no idea. He had no idea how long he himself had waited for something like this to happen. He had desired to have Matthew for years, even though then he didn’t know it was in fact desire what he had felt every time Matthew looked at him with his crooked smile and his shining eyes.
Eventually they stopped kissing, and Matthew let their foreheads touch while he continued caressing James’ face. On the other hand, James’ fingers were locked into Matthew's golden hair while he found himself completely lost in the blissful image of his parabatai.
And just for one moment everything felt so surreal and he felt like he was disassociating from his body, like he was watching the whole scene from the outside, just levitating over that scene.
“We both know that I shouldn’t want this, but I’ve felt you distant for months and the mere thought of never getting close to you ever again was excruciating”.
James held his friend’s gaze and found the courage to say a weak "You don't have to apologize to me, I wanted it too and in the same way you wanted it".
In the bliss of what it had been, James had almost forgotten that, in reality, he and Matthew were not alone in the world and that his family was probably waiting for him downstairs.
Although against his will, James started to get up, aware that this moment could not last forever. However, he soon felt Matthew's warm hand lock his wrist as his fingers began to trace non-existent figures on his skin.
“Jamie... Stay here.. Sleep in my bed. Stay with me. Just this once, please. I’m tired of feeling so alone.”
James looked towards the blond one, still laying on the bed, and his gaze lingered on the way Matthew’s eyes were looking at him. Matthew seemed desperate and if he was desperate then it was his fault.
He didn’t have it repeated twice. He lied down again, he reached out to the other boy and held him tight, giving him a tender kiss on his forehead.
“I’m not going anywhere, you already know that.”
They stayed there, embraced to each other, without the need to actually say or do anything. In that moment it was enough: the silence was enough along with the hope of it all.