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It was a beautiful sunless morning in Nevada, and Deimos felt a light tapping on his shoulder. When he didn’t respond, the tapping turned into shaking, and he was forced out of his peaceful sleep. He turned around and angrily growled, “What?” before realizing the person who had awoken him was Sanford, who currently had the saddest face EVER. Deimos just couldn’t stay mad.
“Aw, what’s wrong, Sanny?” he asked.
“Deimos… my computer got sick again :pensive:” said Sanford, looking away in shame.
“What happened to it this time?” asked Deimos.
Sanford just turned the laptop around to face Deimos. The screen was shocking: it was completely plastered in ads and other popups. Deimos’s eyes were assailed with bouncing anime tits, amogonoids, and penis pills among declarations of “YOU ARE AN IDIOT” and ever-multiplying error messages. This was going to be tough to fix.
Seeing the shock on Deimos’s face, Sanford blushed and tried to explain. “It all started with this big, red button…” he said.
“What button?”
“Download Photoshop CCCC 2057 Free from worm.trojan.adware.spyware.penis.balls.fucking.penis.net.org.co.uk/low-hanging-fruit/balls…” said Sanford, averting his eyes again.
“Download Photoshop, huh?”
“It just costs so much money… and I don’t have any money…” Sanford turned his pockets inside out to reveal a paperclip, a dead fly, and a wad of gum. This was possibly the most heartbreaking thing Deimos had ever seen in his life. His boyfriend just wanted to play with Photoslop for free… He was sure he had only wanted to borrow it… After working hard all week killing hundreds of people for no pay, didn’t a guy DESERVE a little computer program…? No… This was NOT okay… Deimos was going to MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
Deimos’s face turned steely. He got up and pulled the blackout curtains across the window and grabbed a hoodie. Sanford tried to ask what he was doing, but Deimos just shushed him and pulled the hood over his eyes. He placed the laptop on the floor and sat in front of it. Its screen was the only thing illuminating the room. It shone on the lower half of Deimos’s face. With the hood draped over his eyes, his true emotion was unreadable, although his mouth was in a straight line of concentration.
INSTANTLY, the screen turned black, only to fill with green code. “Heh,” laughed Deimos as he lit a cigarette. He took a deep inhale of smoke, then began furiously typing. He was quickly trapped in a raging battle—it was just his fingers versus the hordes of malware inhabiting Sanford’s computer. He typed faster and faster. He was hacking so hard, some of the keys began to burn from the friction…
And then… “SANFORD!” yelled Deimos. “GET ME FIVE CANDLES! QUICK!”
Sanford ran for the candles without a second thought. Deimos kept typing. When Sanford reappeared, Deimos hurriedly arranged the candles around the laptop and lit them.
“This is bad,” murmured Deimos. “Quickly! Get a box of salt!”
When Sanford returned with the salt, Deimos poured it in a circle around the computer.
“Tape!” was his next demand. He taped the laptop to the floor.
“Sanford,” said Deimos, “I’m going in. When I enter this next line of code, I want you to be ready with a GUN.”
Sanford frowned determinedly at Deimos. “Are you sure? Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes, Sanford. I can handle it. Just be ready.”
Sanford grabbed the biggest machine gun he could find and gave Deimos the go-ahead. Deimos stepped into the salt circle, then entered the next line… in LATIN.
The laptop started to convulse. With the convulsions came high-pitched screeching noises and the loudest, most demonic laptop fanning either of them had ever heard. Deimos jumped out of the circle and into Sanford’s arms.
The laptop shook harder and harder. The tape started to peel up from the floor. Smoke rose out of its crevices.
Just when the edges of the tape looked like they were about to detach, Deimos shouted the command: “SHOOT!”
Sanford opened fire into the laptop until it finally stopped moving. There was a huge hole through the laptop and the floor.
“You’re being so brave,” said Deimos. He stepped toward the circle, but Sanford held his arm tightly.
“Don’t do it, Deimos… Don’t go near it…”
“Have faith in me. I’ll be okay.”
Sanford hesitantly let go, and Deimos walked into the salt circle and knelt in front of the laptop. He held down the power button. The laptop booted up totally normally and the holes disappeared. The malware had been no match for Deimos’s superior hacking skills.
“Now, why don’t we get you your Photoslop… for real?”
“You’d do that for me? Even after all this?”
“Oh, I’m not just going to download it… I’m going to teach you how. Internet piracy is an important life skill.”
“Wow!”
Deimos went on to teach Sanford about online safety, such as how to use a VPN, how to torrent safely, and the importance of staying away from all British low hanging fruit penis-type sites.
“Remember to use your new skills responsibly. After all, your computer only has so much space,” said Deimos.
“Oh, my hero,” Sanford said before kissing Deimos on the cheek. Deimos blushed.
Sanford immediately began photoshopping penises and huge stinky blunts into Hank’s mouth. When he was done, he pulled Deimos close to show him.
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” he said. And with that, Deimos knew it was really all worth it.