Chapter Text
12
Shiv stared intently at the home office where the adults were convening their business meeting in the middle of her spring break vacation. The doors were closed but covered in large glass so Shiv could look in and seethe at all the people invited in when she wasn’t. It wasn’t fair that Kendall got to be included and not her. She didn’t care that Kendall was 21 and she was just 12, he obviously didn’t appreciate the honor like she would. All day he’d kept trying to talk his way out of it so he could spend more time getting high with his loser college friends who were partying at a nearby beach house. Even Roman was usually invited, even though he was just 15, barely older than herself, and clearly she was more competent than ROMAN of all people! But today he was banished to his own room for being a nuisance, particularly worse than usual that is, seemingly trying to make up for all the time he was now losing to military school. He was supposed to be self reflecting but he was probably off rifling through people’s things or masturbating himself blind out of boredom instead. As it were, Shiv could see her father, Kendall, Frank and the Kellmans discussing important things with important people while she was stuck babysitting the two Kellman girls.
Shiv was always delegated to entertaining the Kellmans’ daughters, everyone expecting them to get along really well just because she and the eldest daughter were close in age. It was insulting. Hannah was a sniveling little nobody, even if her parents were Shiv’s Godparents. She seemingly always got an ear infection anytime she went swimming so she had to wear dorky earplugs to prevent water from getting in. It was embarrassing to be seen with her, even if there was no one around but their families to know they’d been interacting. The younger girl, Lydia, was only 8 and therefore wasn’t interesting enough to be notable in any way Shiv bothered to remember. Lydia never left Hannah’s side though so Shiv was forced to entertain her as well since Hannah was too boring to ditch the younger girl to hang out alone instead. She got really defensive about it the one time Shiv brought up the idea, which was so weird. Shiv couldn’t imagine siblings actually wanting to spend time with each other.
The other problem with the two Kellman girls was that they looked too much like their mother, who Shiv disliked. Probably hated but Shiv hadn’t yet put in the energy to examine her feelings that deeply yet. She didn’t know why exactly but her Godmother rubbed her the wrong way, so the fact that both girls shared their mother’s round face and cold blue eyes that sneered at Shiv like they too thought they could become more important than Logan Roy’s own daughter someday, did nothing to ingratiate themselves to Shiv’s mind. Lydia even had Gerri’s curly blonde hair which Shiv had once pulled a bit too hard when she was sure no one was looking. Hannah’s straight brown hair, which she clearly inherited from her father, still did nothing to warm Shiv’s heart to the girl despite the fact that Mr. Kellman was the one Kellman Shiv actually liked.
Shiv probably would have ditched the girls an hour ago if Mr. Kellman hadn’t asked her personally to show them a good time while the rest of them were off working. He’d looked so hesitant to leave them all behind, actually sad that he had to part with his children during their family holiday. Shiv didn’t think she’d ever seen her father hesitate to leave her behind. She knew that was just because he was busy being an important man, but he could at least act remorseful about it the way Mr. Kellman did.
Gerri never looked remorseful either.
Maybe that’s why Shiv pushed Hannah in the pool.
She’s not sure why she did it though, can’t even remember having any thoughts about it before her hands moved on their own. Being frustrated and bored was enough to drive anyone to drastic measures though and Shiv’s adolescent temperament could not have been reasonably expected to tolerate hearing even one more horse fact. Shiv already owned a horse, she didn’t need to hear MORE about them. Why couldn’t Hannah get that?
“Oh my god, Hannah! Are you ok? You slipped right in!” There was no one else around yet to see what happened but Shiv knew it was best to settle on the lie as soon as possible, if you wanted to get away with something. “You should be more careful around the pool, it’s so easy to slip in.”
Shiv left Hannah crying in the pool, her tears blending with the pool water, so really who is to say if she was really crying anyway?
Well she’s still crying when the adults find her 20 minutes later so Shiv doesn’t even get a full half hour of peace before the Kellman girls are her problem again. Surprisingly Gerri is the one who is yelling, clutching a towel around her daughter like she actually gives a damn. This must just be some ploy to attack me. A convenient reason to punish me. I knew she was out to get me.
“She fell . I’m not going to apologize for something that isn’t my fault.” Shiv insisted, convincing herself of the lie the more she tells it.
“The little one SAW YOU Siobhan! She said you pushed her!” Logan yelled. Her father’s raised voice made Shiv flinch but she refused to back down now.
“She’s lying!” Shiv’s voice scratches as she inadvertently screeches to try to match her father’s level, “She wasn’t even around, she left to go get a snack!”
“Well next time you make sure there’s no one around before you do something to embarrass me again!” Logan’s voice boomed sternly. “I need to do business with these people Shiv, so you are going to go in there and apologize, whether you did it or not!” His eyes make it clear how much he believes her story, the coldness in them threatening unspeakable retribution if she doesn’t cooperate. Shiv’s seen that look in his eye when he’s taken a swing at Kendall, or more often Roman. Her father’s never hit her before but Hannah twisted her ankle as she fell so the seriousness of the situation is more than Shiv could have anticipated. She’s not sure how her father would react if he lost the Kellmans over this. The anxious pounding of her heart shakes her body and her senses enough to agree to apologize.
It’s all very formal, just another transactional meeting in the Roy house. Gerri is staring daggers into Shiv when she’s brought into the room for the resolution. Having to do this in front of her Godmother’s judgmental gaze is the worst part of this whole ordeal. The room is dead silent, all eyes on Shive while she works through the humiliation to say what needs to be said. She just needs to say the words and get this over with. She doesn’t try to see where Mr. Kellman is, refusing to look at him, too afraid of how he is reacting to all of this.
“Well?” Gerri says impatiently, in no mood to pander to her Goddaughter’s attitude. Hannah is cradled on her lap, fresh tears on her now (mostly) dry face after they clearly put antibiotic drops in her ears. Hannah’s pathetic state did make Shiv feel a bit bad. It often seemed like the ear drops were just as bad as the ear infections.
“I’m sorry.” Shiv says with all the sincerity she can muster, which isn’t much.
After a beat in which it’s clear she isn’t going to say anything else, Logan claps his hands together and metaphorically washes his hands of the situation.
“Well then. Glad that’s all settled. Baird. Gerri. You want to take the girls back to their room for a bit? I think you’ll find there’s some lovely gifts waiting for them.” He says with his most cordial voice. Gerri looks like she clearly doesn’t think this is enough but she drops the matter and lets Baird, who was standing a ways behind her, lead her out of the room with the rest of their family in tow. Shiv was right not to look earlier because the disappointment on Mr. Kellman’s face when he spares a look back at her is enough to make her feel truly remorseful.
*****
After an awkward dinner which each family spent on their own, nobody keen to do anything together that night, so the house is eerily quiet. Shiv was meant to stay in her room as a punishment but from her window she could see the backyard and was compelled to sneak out when she saw Mr. Kellman outside, smoking a cigarette alone. By the time she got outside though, she hesitated before approaching him, suddenly unsure if this was a good idea or not.
“You shouldn’t be out here, Siobhan.” Shiv jumped, unaware her Godfather had seen her before his deep voice broke the silence. “The secondhand smoke isn’t good for you.” He pointedly snuffs out his cigarette with his heel as he turns around to face the young girl.
“Smoking isn’t good for anyone.” Shiv shrugges. She doesn’t hate the smell though. She’s gotten used to the smell of her own father’s cigars and her mother’s less frequent cigarette.
“Neither is lying. I clearly have my own vices but Shiv…I expected better from you.” Baird gave her that sad disappointed look again and she felt tears start to sting her eyes with shame. Shiv never really believed ‘disappointed is worse than angry’ when it came to her own dad because she’s seen him truly angry and it was scary, but coming from Baird Kellman it did feel like he might as well have yelled in her face. Baird treated his girls like that could do no wrong so Shiv couldn’t imagine him yelling at them, so she figured he must hate her a lot right now to be this affected by what happened.
“I’m so sorry.” Shiv cried, at last the tears running down her face.
“What are you sorry for?” Baird asked evenly.
“I’m sorry-” Shiv’s voice hitched with genuine emotion, “I’m sorry I pushed her. I don’t know why I did it. I swear, I don’t know.” She furiously tried to wipe the tears away but new ones kept coming. She was so mad at herself for ruining the one good relationship she had with a man who wasn’t her father. Who was as good as a second father. A man she sometimes, very secretly, maybe wished was her actual father. She didn’t know if you could revoke being someone’s Godparent but now she was really worried he’d want to.
“It’s alright.” Baird closed the distance between them and wrapped her tiny body in a warm hug. “What you did wasn’t right,” he sighed, “but I know you’re a good kid. We all make mistakes but that’s how we learn, and now you’ll never do it again, right?” Shiv nodded into his chest. His hands soothingly rubbed circles on her back, warming Shiv’s body with a tingly feeling she couldn’t remember quite feeling before. She tightened her grip around him, squeezing the two of them together as much as possible.
“Please don’t hate me.” Her voice muffled by his broad body.
“I could never hate you.” He said it so softly that despite everything she’d learned from her own family, she believed him when he said it. Despite what she’d done, she felt like she now might know what unconditional love might be like. To have someone who would actually forgive her no matter what.
The tingly feeling grew stronger.
****
15
“Gerri’s such a frigid bitch.” Shiv says suddenly.
“What did dear old Godmommy not send you enough gifts for your birthday this year?” Roman retorts, not missing a beat in their conversation’s seemingly random subject change.
“Shut up, you know what I mean. I mean have you ever even seen her hug one of her daughters? It’s Stepfordian.”
“What, like our mother is a natural beacon of warmth herself?” He giggles sardonically at his own joke. It’d be annoying but it’s so endearingly Roman that she finds she’s actually missed the noise now that he’s off at college.
“It’s not a competition. Both mothers can be bad.” Shiv takes a drag of her cigarette, she’s smoking now cause she knows it will annoy her mother, even though that’d be hypocritical given that Shiv started the habit by picking up Caroline’s hidden cigarettes.
“Hmmm withholding milf bitches working hard and getting railed hard by their big dicked husbands.” Roman philosophically muses.
“GROSS!” Shiv doesn’t hold back when she punches her brother’s shoulder for being a disgusting gremlin. He still flinches and crumples instantly, his military school years having not at all accomplished their intended goal of toughening the boy up. “That’s our parents you’re talking about! Don’t be so disgusting.”
“Fine! Stop! I just meant the Kellmans.” He defensively holds up his hands in defeat.
“Don’t be weird. Baird’s not like that.” She pauses to take another drag of her cigarette. “Those girls would be so fucked up if it wasn’t for him.”
“You just want to fuck him cause he has a big dick.” He says it with such defeated certainty it actually makes Shiv examine her brother more closely.
“Ew Roman. How would you even know?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Roman waggles his eyebrows suggestively.
“Not everything is about your Napoleon size complex, idiot.” Shiv’s still not sure she believes him but he’s put the idea in her head and now all she can think about is Barid’s apparently massive dick. She can’t allow herself to indulge in this line of thought. “It’s not like that anyway.”
“What, you don’t have a crush on your Godfather cause he has a massive schlong? Is it true love?” Roman makes a gaging sound at the concept, mimes their usual in-joke of needing to puke when confronted with genuine emotions.
Shiv’s not sure what exactly it is now that she thinks about it. A ‘crush’ is probably an appropriate term but before Roman put the idea in her head was she really imagining fucking Baird? She’d heard her dad’s jokes about Baird’s size, though she wasn’t ever sure if they were accurate or ironic, but even if it were true it’s honestly not what she’s ever fantasized about. The idea of a penis that massive trying to go into her was more scary and disconcerting than thrilling. Shiv couldn’t imagine something like that would be comfortable so it certainly wasn’t a turn on in her mind. No, the thing that made her blush was imagining all the gentle ways Baird would take care of her, the way she’d seen him take care of his own daughters over the years.
She wanted Baird to pick her up in his big strong arms and carry her to bed, to reassure her that he’d be proud of her no matter what, and kiss her gently on her forehead. She wanted someone at her bedside when she was sick who wouldn’t laugh at her weakness and know the best ways to care for her cause he was older and more experienced. A wise man who was impressed by how smart she is, who’d know how to help her improve without being condescending. And if her fantasies occasionally wandering into more explicit activities, they more just the vague concept of sex as being pleasurable and intimate. She’d more often touched herself while remembering how comforting his large hand on her back was when he’d hugged her and told her she was a good kid.
Was it weirder to exrotisize a man for being a good dad instead of as a sexual partner? Was she weirder than Roman for thinking like this? Shiv banished the thought aside, refusing to believe she could ever be as pathetic as her older brother. Look at him. The little worm was still clinging to his emo phase by continuing to paint his fingernails black. At least he’d stopped growing his bangs out so long to cover his eyes, now he had more of a metrosexual try-hard vibe about him, had definitely started paying someone to pick out “stylish” clothes for him. The obvious desperation made her scoff.
“You’re the one who won’t stop talking about his penis. Seems pretty gay.”
“Fuck off.” Roman spat, curling into himself in that defensive way that telegraphed that she’d struck a nerve. “You wish.”
“I wish? Rome I don’t give a shit if you’re gay. It’d be the least weird thing about you.”
“Yeah right, you’d love it if dad had another reason to be disappointed in me. Make your new radical feminist, social justice, fucking- cry baby schtick more palatable to him. Then you’ll REALLY be Daddy’s favorite!” Roman rolls his eyes, “Sorry to disappoint but I am in fact incredible heterosexual. Just can’t get enough of the ol’ tits and ass.” he cringes a bit at himself there, “And I will in fact be moving to the top of Daddy’s inheritance pile of…whatever. Everything! All of this! When I finally marry a smoking hot babe who will be so hot even you’ll be so jealous of her incredible hotness.” he finally rambled off.
“Sure Roman.” Shiv side eyes him. “Goodluck with that.” At last she finally throws out the last of her cigarette and promptly turns around to return to the party they’d been avoiding.
“Say hi to BIG Baird for me!” Roman calls out to her at the last minute when she can just barely hear him over the party guests. Shiv refused to respond in any way.
It was getting late and people were clearing out but even with all that the crowd for a Roy party is uncomfortably large. Shiv’s sick of all the lights and christmas songs which is why she’d snuck out in the first place but, though she’d never admit it to her brother, their conversation had actually made her want to seek out her godfather. She’d had the perfunctory greeting exchange with the Kellmans earlier in the night, just enough to say hi and ask her how school was going, but now she wanted one more look at the man before the night was over. It’s silly, she really didn’t think about the man that much most of the year.
Shiv thought she knew where to look for him but was surprised he wasn’t within the usual radius of her father. Instead she didn’t find Mr. and Mrs. Kellman until she at last wandered over to the door and saw the couple gathering their coats, clearly intent on heading out. Baird already had his long wool coat on, a warm knitted scarf around his neck giving the lawyer a nice homey look, always a softness to the sharp General Counsel businessman look he wore so well.
Beside him was, unfortunately, his wife.
Baird was helping Gerri put on her own coat, which was red to match her dark red dress. Shiv noted that it seemed like an excessive amount of color for a woman as old as her Godmother. Shiv’s own dress was a subdued pink color, since she refused to wear the more festive green holiday dress her mother had sent in the mail instead of coming herself. Still, while the couple hadn’t noticed her yet, she let herself imagine being in Gerri’s place. She could envision slipping her hands into the silk lined sleeves as Baird, her husband in this scenario, courteously held her coat out for her to slip on. She could practically feel his strong hands gliding against her shoulders to smooth out any wrinkles, adjusting the collar just right. She’d even turn around and let him button up the front for her as well, though of course her Godmother does that part herself. What a-
“Shiv?” Baird calls, the first to notice her in the hallway.
“Leaving so soon?” Shiv replies, unable to think of anything else to say at the moment.
“It’s 12:30, Shibon.” Gerri holds nothing back, dryly retorting to her goddaughter.
“That’s pretty early for a Waystar Roy party. Uncle Mo and Karl probably won’t crawl out of here until 3am at earliest.” Shiv smoothly snaps back. She can’t help but smile a big smugly for sticking the landing. The Kellmans look significantly less amused.
“Where are the girls?” Baird asks, not quite with urgency but directly.
“I’ll go get them. They know it’s time to go.” Gerri swiftly steps away, barely casting a glance at Shiv as she leaves her Goddaughter alone with her husband. Too quickly than necessary, Shiv thinks. Like anyone would want to grope those two boring uggos. Hannah would probably enjoy a little attention from a man anyways. It’d be novel for her.
Baird smiles awkwardly at their silence.
“I wanted to thank you again for my present. I really love it, I can’t wait to go check out the campus in the spring.” Baird had given her a Yale sweatshirt along with some other memorabilia, since it was his alma mater and she’d mentioned once she was considering applying. In truth she hadn’t really made up her mind where she wanted to go or what she wanted to do, but the excitement on his face when she mentioned the university was enough to indulge the idea, at least at present.
Barid smiled more sincerely now, again delighted to be able to talk on a familiar topic. “It really is an excellent school. I’ll make sure to call the dean to give you a personal tour. I hope you’re ready to work hard, it’s a hell of an admissions process.” He smoothly switched to his Dad Voice eliciting a small shiver through Shiv’s body as she tried to conceal her delight at his well intentioned lecture.
“Sure, but we both know my dad can get me into whatever school I want.” Shiv smiled wryly.
“Of course.” Baird replied pleasantly but it was clear her attitude had spoiled his mood somewhat. Shit, his disappointed dad face is always the worst . Shiv’s excitement plummeted.
“I mean, of course I’ll work hard cause it’s important or whatever, but if I have the privilege I might as well use it to my full advantage.” Shiv quickly retorted, trying not to look like she was desperately trying to recover. Anxious that she’d somehow destroyed her reputation with her godfather with just 2 sentences. Surprisingly he smiled more warmly at her.
“That’s the thing I’ve always admired about Gerri. She never had any of those advantages. She had to work hard and fight her way to where she is now. She's inspiring.”
That was a punch in the gut. Ugh, always back to his wife. Will I never hear the end of how brilliant and capable Geraldine Kellman is? Truly defeated Shiv felt the prickling of tears welling up in her eyes but refused to let herself cry.
“Oh. That sounds…challenging…” Fuck! What an idiotic thing to say!
“It is, but I think you have it in you to rise up and meet it.” His tone was pitying, and from anyone else it’d make Shiv want to tear her skin off, but now she was just glad Mr. Kellman didn’t seem like he was going to hold her snobbishness against her. He was too big, both metaphorically and physically, and caring for that. Shiv nodded, feeling small.
“Yeah I hope so.”
“I know so.” Suddenly Baird’s large hands, visibly spotting and worn from age, were on her shoulders and he gently pulled her in for a hug. “You’re a good kid. I know you can do it.”
There was so much warmth radiating from his body and words, Shiv melted into him, feeling as if her body were putty to be molded against him.
Mr. Kellman always gave the kind of hugs she wished her father would give her. He never tried to immediately pull back after just a few seconds, like he was calculating how much time he had to indulge her childish wants before retreating. Baird always let her pull away first and tonight Shiv didn’t want to let go at all, instead she wrapped her arms as far as she could around the older man’s broad circumference, and squeezed tightly. She held them there together for longer than she knew would be deemed appropriate. Baird Kellman wasn’t like other men though, she knew he’d never try to grope her and make things idesent, even if at times Shiv wished he would. He was a safe and comforting presence and she didn’t realize how much she needed that until she finally had it under her palms, digging her nails into its thick wool coat.
This is what a dad should feel like.
I want this every day.
This is what my husband should feel like.
For a moment everything felt like it was going to be ok.
“ Uh hmm ” a familiar sharp voice interrupted.
Fuck that frigid bitch ruins everything! Shiv finally pulled away from her godfather, the moment having been broken and returned the cold look godmother was giving them.
“It’s time to go.” Gerri said impatiently. She already had Hannah and Lydia putting on their jackets, ready to leave.
Baird wasted no time distancing himself from his goddaughter, which stung even though it was irrational for her to expect he might….what? Choose her?? Right here and now? She realized how ridiculous that was as she watched the Kellman family somberly leave with no more words.
Digesting the awful feeling she felt watching Baird’s back as he left, Shiv decided she refused to feel this pathetic anymore and began the process of repressing her feelings for the older man, and moving on.
****