Chapter Text
It was late at night, rain was dancing on the motel windows and Dean was drunk. He wasn’t completely gone but he was finding it a struggle to walk, empty whiskey bottle in hand being placed among the other numerous alcoholic drinks. He groaned and placed his head into his palms trying and failing to keep in a shaky sigh, if anyone could see him right now they’d call him pathetic, tell him to man up. Dean would agree with them.
Sam finished school, got married, has a kid on the way and Dean should be proud of his little brother but all he feels is a dark, hot, burning jealousy. Why does Sammy get to leave the hunting life and move on but Dean has to stay?! It wasn’t fair. It’s not like he deserved to live like this, he tries convincing himself, but there’s always that small part of his brain that reminds him of all the shit he’s done, things he’s said and it hurts. His chest heaves and his heart feels heavy. He wants his brother back. He wants someone who understands him. He needs someone who cares.
He feels anger bubbling inside of him, an uncontrollable anger, and he grabs that empty whiskey bottle and throws it at the wall. A deep shout tore its way through his throat as he continues to throw the bottles at the walls, staring at the glass surrounding him. His breath became ragged, lungs constricting and eyes beginning to well.
“Fuck!”
He looks at his hands which won’t stop shaking and he seriously feels like he’s losing his mind, like all of a sudden his soul has detached from his body and is floating around staring at the empty shell of a man he is.
Dean falls to his knees slowly and just cries, cries all the tears he’s been keeping in and it’s disgusting. His vision is a blurred mess, his nose won’t stop running and his heart- fuck, why does his heart feel like it’s going about 1000 miles per hour. His arms wrap around himself as his tries to catch his breathe, trying to calm himself down. If Sammy or Cas were here they’d know how to help. Wait, Cas…jesus, he’s such an idiot.
”Cas,” he tries but it sounds broken, “Cas, please.” It came out a whimper, soft and begging. “I need you, Castiel.” His pleas sounding almost unrecognisable compared to the tough act he usually puts on. It was almost kind of hilarious. He felt like a little boy when he used to beg his dad to stay, to not leave them again and again and again.
The familiar ‘whoosh’ of wind breaks Deans train of thought, Castiel approaches the kneeling man slowly and unsurely, almost like he was a injured animal, before reaching and crouching down in front of him. “Dean, what happened?” The angel placed one of his hands on the back of Deans head, the other holding his face, forcing the hunter to look up. “Dean?”
Dean opened his mouth, the words getting caught in his throat as he looked at Cas hopelessly. The Angels brows furrowed and he looked pained to see Dean suffering and he pulled the man into his arms and held. Held like he was going to lose him and never get him back. And Dean crumbled, collapsed in the arms of this celestial being while his sobs became louder, bordering painful. Cas felt hopeless as he grasped his friend, worried that the man would shatter into a thousand tiny pieces if he doesn’t hold him tight enough.
They sat like that for a while before Deans sobs became a soft, quiet sniffling and then it became quiet, silent almost. Cas figured he’d wore himself out and fell asleep so he gently pulled back, careful not to wake him. Cas was thankful he had a stupid amount of strength as he scooped Dean into his arms and lifted him up bridal style. He sauntered over to the unmade, cheap motel bed and laid the hunter down, pulling the thick blanket across his lax body and in this moment, Cas realised, he looked almost childlike, a shattered boy without love and he felt his heart pang as he stared at Dean.
The Angel walked over to the tiny wooden table noticing the sound of glass cracking underneath his feet and he grimaced, what had made Dean do this? He clicked his fingers and the glass was gone, no sign that an emotional outburst ever happened. He picked up a chair and placed it besides Deans bed, sitting himself down and letting his eyes linger to the man. He could stare at Dean for the rest of eternity and never get bored.
About 10 hours had passed before Dean awoke, his throat felt uncomfortably dry and his head was spinning. He lifted his head and pulled a face, feeling the hangover more predominantly now he was more conscious. “Jesus, fuck.” He muttered, bringing his palms up to his eyes and rubbing any extra sleep out of them.
”Good morning, Dean.” Castiel spoke with the same gruff, deep voice as always.
Deans head snapped towards the Angel, eyes wide and jaw hanging open. “I, Cas..you? Why’re you here?” He coughed awkwardly, Cas just tilted his head. “You called to me last night, Dean. So I came.” The hunter just stared, unable to find any words. “Last night, you were pretty intoxicated so I decided to stay and watch over you in case of an emergency.” He then decided to walk over to the tiny ‘kitchen’ and made Dean a glass of water before handing it over to him with one of his blink-and-you’ll-miss-it smiles.
Dean reached over to take the glass from Cas and if to mock the hunter, they’re fingers grazed against each other, causing him to flush a light pink like some teenage girl whose crush waved at her and silently cursed himself. “Uh. Thanks, but I’m f-“
“We should talk about last night, your actions were too big for me to ignore.” God, does he ever stop caring? It was beginning to get infuriating. Dean chuckled and sat up, leaning his head against the wall, “Yeah, that’s a no from me.” Cas rolled his eyes and moved to sit on the foot of the bed, positioning his body to face Deans.
”It would help you greatly to speak about what’s affecting you, Dean.” He had his arms folded in his lap and he was frowning, head tilted slightly to the left, classic Cas look. It was the one you saw most often, your best friend looking at you with such an intensity you can’t look away and you eventually give in to whatever crazy shit he’s just spouted out. But Dean knew that this time it would be so much harder, the things he wants to tell Cas about seem impossible to even form as a sentence let alone say it out loud. “I want to help you.”
Where would Dean even begin? He had so much shit piling up in his head that there was no start or end to it. Fuck it.
”I’m broken, Cas. There’s something in my head that just doesn’t work, okay?” Cas looked at him with a fond expression, Dean felt that familiar pain in his heart, “All of this shit with Sammy moving on is killin’ me. I don’t know how much longer I can take man, it hurts. It hurts so bad, Cas.” Dean rakes a hand through his hair and scoffs, “Not like I don’t deserve any of it though, right?” His voice broke at the end.
Cas jerked, his mouth moved to speak, eyes flickering across Deans face. “That’s, that’s not true, Dean. You don’t deserve any of what you’re feeling right now no matter what you may think, your emotions aren’t a punishment.”
“Yeah well, maybe they are? You ever think of that, Cas? Maybe all of this shit is some fucked up punishment because I’m not good enough!” Deans voice got louder and angrier as he went on, “And maybe this is just how my life is supposed to go, I’m a freak, Cas! Everyone else is gonna leave me eventually.” Then gradually got quieter near the end.
Cas looked at the man in shock, wondering how on earth he thought that was true. When Cas looked at him all he saw was a man who cared, a man who loved. “You are not a freak, Dean Winchester, and so help me if you continue to think that way about yourself! I did not rebel against heaven and pull you out of hell for you to think that you deserve any of this. I will never leave you.” Now it was Deans turn to look at the Angel in shock. Cas’ eyes never left the hunters and it made Dean feel something he never really felt before, he felt reassured.
An uncomfortable silence filled the air, Cas continued to stare at the man across him while Dean decided that his own hands were far more interesting. Minutes went by where not one of them says a word and it felt weird. Castiel stands up making Deans attention fall back on him, “You off somewhere?”
“Would you like burgers or pizza?” Cas was getting him food. Come to think of it, he was starving.
”Jeez, Cas. That’s a tough decision.” Dean let’s out a small chuckle, letting his attention go back to his fingers.
”I’ll get both then. Don’t go anywhere.”
Dean just grins.