Archive of Our Own

Heartbreak, Sirius thinks, is not a particularly enjoyable experience, nor is it one he would ever like to have the displeasure of ever experiencing again.

Now, in the muggle movies Lily had forced them to watch it’s always portrayed as this glamorised breakdown with trails of tears making their way down the characters perfectly put together faces in a moment of beautiful tragedy. It’s a twisted version of reality because the reality is not something people want to see. 

The conflict is usually resolved in a matter of days, maybe even hours if the screenplay is a little shitty or their runtime is getting low. Maybe the characters do a little bit of screaming and shouting but there’s never any real breaking. Granted, actors do have to be damn good at their job to portray an emotion they’ve never felt that strongly or may not have even experienced, at least to that extent. Most of the time though it ends with the characters confessing their undying love for one another and everyone gets a happy ending.

But that’s just not heartbreak, is it?

Heartbreak is staying up until god knows when in the morning because you’re suffocating on your own breath. You’ve wasted all your tears and there aren’t any left to cry so all that remains is gasping for air. Heartbreak is waking up dehydrated because of it. It’s feeling like you can’t go on because the person you thought you would be your forever and promised you such lied to you. Or at least that’s what your heart tells you they did. Even if they never gave you a reason to.

Heartbreak is not sleeping and instead of just lying there, the memories that were once euphoric swarming your mind and leaving you to wonder where did it all go wrong?

Heartbreak is losing your sense of reality because you can’t find it within you to actually get up and go on.

It’s more than just ugly. It destroys people and lives and can’t just be fixed with a simple “I love you” but rather a long process of rebuilding. The healing process can take weeks, months, years and even then it can sometimes never truly go away. Sometimes there’s just that inkling in the back of your mind that if you weren’t good enough for them you won’t be for anyone else either.

Sometimes people are lucky not to experience any of this. Sirius envies those people.

The ones that had already fallen out of love and were waiting for it to end. Who are able to move on without a second thought.

And Sirius thinks he should be able to simply take this on the chin and move on. They’d lost enough already, he’d lost enough already, so what was one more? But as he sits in the Potter’s living room in Godric’s Hollow whilst James bustles around in the kitchen, Sirius can’t do that. He can’t find anyone to blame other than himself.

Too much had happened these last few months.

Sirius knew, deep in his heart of hearts, that the way he’d learnt to deal with his demons was not healthy. He knew that the way he’d stopped them from succeeding was not by eradicating them but simply suppressing them from rearing their ugly heads. 

Maybe meeting Remus Lupin wasn’t the blessing he always thought it had been.

Sirius would never forget the day.

1971. First day at Hogwarts.

Sirius remembers. The envy he felt as he looked across the platform and saw the lanky boy, already ridiculously tall for their age, being fussed upon by his mother, his father awkwardly standing next to them with narrowed eyes scanning the platform. All Sirius had was his lecturing mother, who he’d learnt to tune out years ago. His father hadn’t bothered to make an appearance.

“Sirius, are you listening to me?” His mother had snapped, chipping at his shoulder with a pale, slender hand. Sirius drew his attention back to her pinched face, dark eyebrows drawn in and marring her what could be quite beautiful features if she’d stop doing that look. Merlin, he couldn’t wait to be free of her, even if only a few months at a time.

“Yes, mother.” He replied, robotically, not particularly eager to start an argument right when he was so close to freedom.

“Repeat what I said back to me.”

Bugger.

“Uh- I must not associate with those of a lower status of me? If I cannot find anyone worthy I will find Cissa and I will stay with heror allow her to find me suitable people.” The delivery was a little shaky but seeing as it was a speech Sirius had heard countless times over the weeks prior, he was certain that he’d at least gotten on the right track. He was not to find Andromeda, as Uncle Cygnus had found she ( Merlin forbid ) was associating with muggle born Ted Tonks over the summer break because he’d intercepted their letters. Therefore none of the higher family were very pleased with her and Sirius had been instructed to rely on Narcissa and Narcissa alone. To be completely honest, he didn’t give a toss about her rules and knew he’d break them the moment she was gone but she didn’t have to know that.

His mother’s face drew in even more, apparently that was still possible, unimpressed even at his correct answer, of course. She did nothing more than hum and also allow her interest to wander to the people across the platform, staring daggers at those she did not recognise and therefore, must be muggles or halfbloods. 

Sirius had felt a tug at his sleeve and looked down to see Regulus’ wide eyes, an oceanic blue that matched his own, shining with unshed tears. But he knew that if he let them fall he’d be chastised. Especially if they were in public.

Merlin, ten years old and he already knew that.

“I’ll be back in December, Reg. It’ll go so quick it’ll be like I never left. Besides, this time next year you’ll be coming with me.” Sirius placed his hand over the one his brother had on his sleeve, already knowing what he wanted to say but couldn’t. They worked like that a lot, Sirius and Regulus. They didn’t always have to use words to convey what they meant. Just a look would be enough.

“Yeah..” Was all the response he got before their mother was gripping onto Regulus’ shoulder and burning hole in his stare at him once more.

Sometimes Sirius wishes they’d said more in that moment. That last time that things had some semblance of normality between them.

“I’ll see you at Christmas, Mother.” Sirius tried to be the polite, obedient son his parents had wanted him to be. But that would just never be him.

He once again received a hum in response before his mother turned sharply, dragging Regulus along with her to leave King’s Cross, not even bothering to make sure Sirius actually got on the train safely. 

Sirius scoffed to himself as he turned back to the train in all its scarlet glory and began to wander down the platform too towards the doors of the carriages.

“Yes, I’ve got it. Thanks, dad.” A mischievous voice spoke out near him as he approached one and Sirius tuned his ear to hear the conversation, watching through his peripheral vision. A boy also seemingly his age grinned at who could only be his father if he were to judge off their stark resemblance to one another, dishevelled hair in an orderly way being the standout. Behind him, a second boy with a round face and large eyes was peering out along with a blonde girl, manicured curls falling down her shoulders.

“Remember, don’t tell your mother. Pete, Marls, keep an eye on him.” The man replied back with an equally cheeky tone, pointing at the pair behind his son. They all shared a look before looking back to find someone on the platform and Sirius couldn’t help but follow them to a woman leading the way towards them with two other couples following hot on her trails. One of the men behind her had teary eyes not unlike those Sirius had seen in Regulus only moments ago. Speaking of his family, they had successfully disappeared from the platform, leaving not even a trace in their wake.

He knew to expect it but still, there was a slight stabbing feeling harassing him in his chest. He wondered if that would ever go away someday. Caught in his own thoughts, he sighed a little heavier than he would’ve liked, looking away briefly, and when his eyes focused again he found them meeting those of the same boy across the platform he’d seen earlier. They stared. Neither moving for a split second. Even if short, Sirius already knew his face to be one he’d never forget.

“Monty, dear, do not disappear like that again! Poor Enid almost had a heart attack!” The woman exclaimed as she approached them, placing a hand on the man’s shoulder then affectionately sliding it to a place on his back.

The man (Monty?) chuckled, a soulful laugh that told Sirius it had years of experience.

“Sorry, dear. I’ll blame James if that’s any better.” He jibed, elbowing at his son’s chest that came into height due to his place at the train door.

“Oi!” The boy, James clearly, protested.

“Hm, maybe I’ll accept that.” Who Sirius assumed must be James’ mother had a shockingly similar cheeky grin to both of them and Sirius understood immediately why the boy had perfected it so.

“Don’t worry, Effie, I’ll keep him in check.” The blonde girl threw an arm around James’ shoulder and pressed their cheeks together much to James’ protest again. She only burst into a fit of giggles so rich that found themselves tempting Sirius’ lips into a smile too.

Effie, the mother Sirius again assumed, arched her brow. “I’ll keep my trust in Peter I think, hey, Pete?”

The second boy who had hidden behind the other two until now squeaked and nodded enthusiastically. “Of course!”

A loud whistle broke across the platform. The train would be leaving soon.

“Right, you lot, last goodbyes.” Monty clapped. The small group seemed to merge as each set of parents reached for their child and soon sent them bustling into the train.

The whistle sounded again and the platform burst to life even more as families said their final goodbyes for the term. The group of parents next to him clumped together as they made their way backwards, and as he watched, Sirius caught the eye of one of them, Effie. She gave him a brief soft smile that immediately settled his raging heart and glued him to the spot.

Sirius had to move though. Otherwise he’d be left behind.

He quickly argued with his trunk to pull it on board and looking down the corridor, he saw James throwing open a compartment and greeting whoever he seemed to have found in there, the other boy and girl hot on his heels, tumbling inside after him.

Frowning, he contemplated his options.

1. Was he to obey his mother’s orders and find his cousin that would certainly be somewhere on the train?
2. Was he to wander the halls by himself in hopes of finding an empty carriage and looking hopelessly lost?
3. Was he going to be brave enough to pluck up the courage and join those others that had already called out to his heart?

Well, option 1 was a no-brainer. No. Sirius was only glad Bellatrix had left Hogwarts the year before. He couldn’t stand being in the same room as her for family meetings and dinners let alone spending an hours-long train ride with her, even if Andromeda and Narcissa were there too.

Option 2 was viable, but if Narcissa spotted him and word got back to his mother, because Andromeda would never, that he was embarrassing the Black family name by wandering like a loner, his mother would not be impressed. He could not be bothered with that.

And so option 3 it was. He didn’t care for his family’s ridiculous blood supremacy rules. To Sirius, if you could do magic, you were a good enough wizard.

He tipped his chin up, squared his shoulders and pushed his chest out, the exact way his mother scolded him to do every few hours in her presence, and confidently strode down the hallway to the compartment.

There was another addition to the group inside when Sirius arrived, making it four people sat there.

The boy from the platform. The one he’d seen briefly whilst his mother scolded him.

He sat in the corner next to the blonde girl and the two boys, James and Peter, sat opposite them.

“Please tell me none of you are related to me?” He made sure his face remained relatively stoic in the suave expression he’d mastered from countless impersonations of his relatives and their fake smiles that he’d done to make Regulus laugh over the years.

“Potentially but you’re safe. Pureblood lot don’t like my family.” James laughed richly, correctly assuming Sirius’ social standing from that statement alone. Not that it was hard if your family was experienced in the wizarding world.

“Brilliant. My mum’ll love this one.” Sirius smirked.

“Come sit.” James beckoned, him and Peter shuffling along to make some room for him to slide in. “James Potter.” He stuck his hand out for a firm shake that Sirius reciprocated.

“Oh, a Potter. Even better.” Sirius felt himself imitating the same mischievous grin he’d seen James do on the platform which felt slightly strange to him because he usually had his own version. Regulus would vouch for it. “Sirius Black.”

“Not quite approving of the workings of the Noble House of Black, then?” The blonde girl across the compartment quipped with a giggle.

“Not a chance,” Sirius chimed with a chuckle.

“Well they’ll love me and all my McKinnon half-bloodedness then. I’ve heard mum talk about your lot too many times.” She winked which made Sirius laugh again. “I’m Marlene.”

“Pete’s a Pettigrew too.” James nudged the quiet boy next to him, who had been watching Sirius with rounded eyes this entire time.

“Oh, fantastic.” Sirius clapped his hands and rubbed them together, leaning further back into the seat whilst unable to get rid of the smile on his face.

The last person in the compartment, the boy from the platform, had done similar to Peter and had just watched the interaction but his expression held something different. Scepticism.

“Oh Merlin, sorry mate, we didn’t even ask your name.” James frowned at his own actions, speaking to the boy.

“Oh, uh-” The boy seemed surprised to even have been addressed, almost as if he’d forgotten his own presence. “Remus Lupin.” He said shortly. Sirius caught a hint of an accent, but with how little he was provided he couldn’t quite place it yet.

“Oh, Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. I’ve heard that name from mum before. Join the club my fellow halfblood.” Marlene patted Remus’ leg gently. No one else seemed to notice the way he flinched away from the touch, but Sirius caught it. It wasn’t quite the way he did sometimes. More uncomfortable than afraid. The stabbing feeling in his chest seemed to resonate with it in the strangest way.

“Haha, yeah…” Remus responded weakly.

“So what houses are we all hoping for?” James asked everyone, despite the fact Sirius could be fairly sure he knew the answer from at least Marlene and Peter.

“Gryffindor babyyy!” Marlene cheered and James automatically joined her, both of them hollering and causing the rest of them to laugh.

“I’m hoping for Gryffindor but I don’t know if I’m too much of a wuss.” Peter grumbled. That was the most amount of words Sirius had heard from the small boy so far and he already pitied him.

“No, Pete, you’ll make it. I believe in you.” James waved off Peter’s worry. In the less than ten minutes he’d been on this train, he could already tell James Potter was a godsend of a boy.

“I don’t really know the houses, my dad didn’t talk much about Hogwarts.” Remus admitted shyly. With a little more to work from, Sirius made the decision that his accent was likely Welsh, or at least something extremely similar.

“Stick with us then, we can help with everything you need no matter where you end up.” Marlene assured him. Then the four of them turned to him.

Oh. Right.

“Merlin knows what’ll end up of me to be honest. Every Black for the last five hundred years has been a Slytherin and for the most part they’re all cows.” Sirius rolled his eyes with a large sigh. The only decent family members he could think of were Andromeda, who was currently in hot water with the family, and his Uncle Alphard, who he hadn’t been allowed to see since he was about seven. He hadn’t been told why and hadn’t been able to figure it out yet either. It could be anything, knowing the Black family.

“Just like I said to Remus here, we’ll take care of you, even if Slytherin steals you. You seem decent enough to me so we won’t let them corrupt you.” Marlene smiled.

Sirius liked her, he thought.

He liked all of them a lot.

So no, he would never forget that day.

“Here you go, mate.” James placed a steaming mug down on the coffee table in front of him and collapsed down onto the sofa. Sirius, curled in the corner, shifted his weight towards him and was met with open arms.

James had grown into himself beautifully from the eleven-year-old Sirius had first met. He stood tall, broad and proud, exactly the man his parents were incredibly proud to have raised. His hair was still a mess that he couldn’t keep his hands out of but that just become part of his charm.

“Thank you.” Sirius mumbled quietly. James said nothing back. He supposed that was because there was nothing really to say. Too much had happened too fast.

Sirius wishes he could turn back time. At least this time, he could do it right. Everything that had gone wrong he’d go back and he’d do it right this time. He wouldn’t interpret everything the wrong way but rather the right one and maybe then he wouldn’t have fucked it up this badly-

“Stop thinking so hard.” James murmured lightheartedly from above him.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. Just stop.”

Sirius bit his lip a little too hard. The tears had only stopped a while ago by a stroke of luck but they threatened to fall once more.

“It’s hard.”

“I know it is, mate. I know.” James smoothed a hand across his hair.

“I just feel so bad.” Sirius drew in a deep breath. “After all the shit you and Lils have been through this last year I should be the one comforting you, not this way around.”

He didn’t need to see James’ face to know the exact one he was pulling. The disapproving one where he frowned and pulled his eyebrows in and looked exactly like his dad. “I don’t think the two are comparable, Padfoot. And at the end of the day, we were ok. Lily and I were ok. Harry was ok. We won. We’re happy, we’re healthy, we’re alive. We made it through. And you played a hand in all of that. So now I’m going to be here to help you make it through your pain.”

Sirius couldn’t help but snort. “That’s such an Effie Potter thing to say.”

James chuckled, the motion vibrating his chest against Sirius’ body. “What can I say? I learnt from the best.”

“Too bloody right you did.”

“Hm, and I can bet if she were here right now she’d say exactly the same thing. She adored you to pieces, honestly I can’t lie, did get a little jealous in Second Year about it. I never had to share her before you lot.” James reminisced, his voice light and airy. 

It hadn’t been too long since they’d lost the Potters. Though, with the war going on, they didn’t get much of a chance to mourn properly. Sirius is unsure on how often James had even spoken about them since their deaths because it had become such a rare occasion. In James’ mind, if he didn’t talk about them, he wouldn’t think about them. With that logic, he threw himself into his work within the Order, only relaxing when Sirius sat him down months later and reminded him he then had a wife he couldn’t leave hanging. Sirius can’t imagine what was going through his mind the months he and Lily had been in hiding, drowning in his own thoughts. Sirius had to thank the angel that was Lily Evans-turned-Potter.

“I remember seeing you and your parents on the platform on the first day at school.” Sirius also spoke gently, unsure how far James would want to delve into the topic. “Effie saw me for a split second but even that was enough for her to give me this look and I knew already then that she was a brilliant woman.

“Yeah, she was brilliant. Dad too. What other parents would let their son’s werewolf friend take refuge in their basement- shit.” James cut himself short and quickly looked down at Sirius, who met his eyes.

“It’s fine, Prongs. You don’t have to never mention him again, he’s your friend too.”

“Just feels unfair to you…”

Sirius found himself unsure on how to respond.

“Hey,” James nudged at him. “You remember in Fifth Year when we became animagi.”

“Merlin, do I.” Sirius scoffed. That summer had been the last he’d spent at Grimmauld Place and due to the mandrake leaf that sat under his tongue for most if not all of August, it was the quietest he’d ever been. His family were still blissfully unaware of his unregistered status but he supposes they had thanked whatever it was that had shut him up for the most part that summer. Or maybe it had just fuelled their rage for what had then happened that Christmas. He supposes he’d never really know.

“Mate, I’m going to lose my mind. Today is going so slow.” Sirius could not stand still. At all. He was currently drawing a massive Gryffindor lion on the dusty chalkboard of the empty classroom they’d found on the sixth floor.

“Lads, not going to lie, I’m still not completely on board with the ‘ambush him right before he goes to the shack so he can’t say no’ plan.” James bit his lip and leaned back against the wall.

“If we tell him now he’ll never allow us to come with him later.” Peter countered from his place on top of one of the desks, legs crossed. He’d finally found his voice not long after they’d arrived at the castle that first day and whilst he annoyed the shit out of Sirius sometimes, he still valued him as part of their group. They weren’t complete without all four of them.

“Exactly, Pete is right. And I’m sick of seeing him hurting himself so badly every month, the least we can do is spare him from doing that for one more moon than he has to. Plus I did not go combing through the libraries at the house, do all that research and force you to cooperate with me so much for the last two years just for us to not tell him.”

James gave him that look he knew Sirius hated that told him he disagreed with him but at the same time understood his argument exactly and couldn’t think of a reasonable one to counter it with. “Fine, but if he goes mad I will be pinning it on you.”

Sirius threw chalk at him.

Remus did not go mad. Thankfully.

He very much stressed. But he did not get angry at them.

“What the fuck? ” He gaped at the large black dog that was actually Sirius which had just appeared in front of him along with an even larger stag (James) and tiny rat (Peter). “You guys did not. No. No, that’s so dangerous, what were you thinking?! ”

Sirius had expected the lecture. He knew Remus didn’t like to be fussed over to any degree and he most certainly knew that this amount of effort would freak Remus out but that was exactly why they’d done it without saying anything to him.

They transformed back to themselves and with a sly smirk, Sirius asked: “Don’t we have somewhere to be, Moony?”

If looks could kill, he’d be dead a thousand times over.

“As a matter of fact, yeah, I do have somewhere to be. Me. I can’t believe you’ve done this when I said not to!” Remus hissed, looking exasperated as he turned to James and Peter for perhaps more than he knew he’d get out of Sirius.

“Padfoot spent months of research on this, Moons. Trust us, we knew exactly what we were doing and hey, we’re ok aren’t we?” James countered, which seemed to relax Remus even if only slightly.

“Jesus Christ, ok, If you’re really going to do this at least let me know what your plan is to get in and out unnoticed?” He asked, forehead creased.

“Invisibility cloak.” James shrugged. It had been their go to since First Year and even though only two of them could use it at a push now, given Remus and James’ towering heights ( especially Remus, the lanky bastard), it was still a staple to their success.

“Work perfectly with three when I can transform and hitch a ride.” Peter added, nodding affirmatively.

Remus closed his eyes and pressed the heels of his hands to them with a heavy sigh through his nose. He was silent for a moment and kept his eyes shut for several moments. The other three of them exchanged anxious glances.

“Ok. Fine. Whatever. But if I do anything, and I mean anything, that puts you even remotely in danger you are getting out of there. I don’t want to hear anything against it.” Remus opened his eyes and spoke with haste and a commanding tone Sirius didn’t think he’d quite heard before. “James, sorry to put all the responsibility on you, mate, but you seem to be the strongest out of you three animal wise so I need you to promise me that if I do something you will get you lot out of there.”

“‘Course, Moony. You can count on me.” James agreed, bouncing slightly on his heels in an attempt to lighten the conversation a little.

“Ok.” Remus shut his eyes and breathed heavily again, probably still trying to process everything. “Ok. I really have to go. Madame Pomfrey won’t be happy that I’m this late already. Follow me soon, she uses a bunch of locking charms on the passageway so you won’t get in otherwise. And again, if I do anything you will. Get. Out. We will talk about this properly in the morning.”

He disappeared from the room before anyone else could say anything else and five minutes later, Peter was clinging to James’ shoulder in rat form and he and Sirius were huddled under the invisibility cloak, shuffling as quickly and quietly as they could.

That night had been magical.

Despite the fact they were literal wizards, Sirius still managed to find little parts of the world that could not be described as anything but magical.

Remus was one of those things, he thinks. Even after everything.

A lot happened in Fifth Year. Looking back, it could be said it was the beginning of an end that would come in the following years. Though of course, how could they have known that then?

“Do you think it was because of what I did at the end of Fifth Year that caused this?” Sirius asked James later that night.

Earlier in the evening, Lily had returned home with a sleeping Harry in her arms after spending the day with Remus. She said he wasn’t in much of a better state and had fallen asleep so she’d left a note that she’d be back in the morning because Harry needed to be in his own bed. Sirius knew Remus would be understanding. He always was, the beautiful bastard.

Harry had woken up a few hours later though because of a nightmare and James had insisted he take care of it and Lily should go back to sleep after having him all day, like the gentleman he was. That was how he’d ended up on the sofa with Sirius again, unable to get to sleep again himself but his almost two year old son sprawled again on his chest and out like a light.

“He forgave you for that a long time ago, Sirius.” James replied.

“Quicker than I deserved.” He shot back. “What if he didn’t actually forgive me then too and just felt bad that I felt guilty? Does that make any sense?”

James shrugged. “Not gonna lie, not really.” His hand absentmindedly went to Harry’s head and began stroking at the mess that was pitch black hair to match his own. “I think he was honest about that. Did he lose his trust in you for a while? Absolutely. But you earned it back. Do I think he ever thought you did it maliciously? No. He knew you were hurting, he knew what news you’d received the same day. He knew if you could’ve taken it back the moment you did it, you would have. He told you that. Does that make what you did ok in the slightest? No. But all those statements aren’t mutually exclusive. They can coexist.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow jokingly. “And I thought I was the eloquent one.”

“Oi, you weren’t the only one raised in a traditional pureblood home. Your lot were just quite a bit more mental than mine.” James replied.

Sirius pursed his lips. “I think ‘quite a bit’ is still very much an understatement.”

“What I’m trying to say here, Padfoot, is that I don’t think that had anything to do with it at all. I think the war took its toll on all of us.”

“You’re telling me.” Sirius breathed out.

Truth is, he knew exactly what it was that split him and Remus apart.

The fact that he would ever think Remus was the traitor.

Why he ever thought Remus would do such a thing was beyond him but like James in the months following his parents deaths, the war made him so unrecognisable to even himself that he wasn’t surprised he’d done something so appalling.

And he hated himself every day for it.

It was that hatred that stuck its ugly nose in between them and tore them apart. And because Sirius was unsure if Remus felt that same hatred towards him that he felt for himself.

Every day now when he looked in the mirror he saw the spitting image of his mother. The woman who he’d tried for so long and so hard to be rid of still somehow found a way to haunt him and ruin things for him even when they hadn’t said a word to one another for years.

But Remus continued to be understanding. Because that’s the person he is. And Sirius had never been taught what forgiveness looked like.

That was one thing that he had to learn the painful way every time. Force himself to look at properly and understand. Still, there were people he’d never forgive. His family, for example.

So yeah, a lot happened in Fifth Year.

That Christmas was the worst time of his life. There was no other way to put it other than that. Even after years of war destroying his relationships with those closest to him he’s never felt pain like that day.

Ironically, he doesn’t remember a lot of it. They realised that when Dumbledore had grilled him the next day and he could hardly piece together the events. Even if he could, he wouldn’t willingly think about it.

All he knew is that by the time they returned to Hogwarts in the New Year, the guest bedroom on the right at the end of the hall that he always occupied at the Potters was now officially his. That he didn’t have to perform illegal underage magic to keep up his Gryffindor things with permanent sticking charms and he didn’t have to haul all the things he knew his mother would disapprove of backwards and forwards to school in fear of her destroying them whilst he was away.

“Sirius, sweetheart?” Euphemia Potter’s voice floated through his mind but it couldn’t quite reach Sirius’ ears. He could hear her talking but he couldn’t see her. 

Instead he was trapped in that room again, and slowly her voice was overrun by the echoing of his mother screeching “ Toujours pur! ” and Bellatrix’s maniacal laughter. Lucius tutting disapproval, his father shouting, voice deep and bass like. They swirled around him, coming from all angles no matter where he turned and slowly, they started to envelope him, smothering him, drowning him.

He shut his eyes in an attempt to make it go away. To take himself anywhere but here.

But instead it dragged him further down and when he felt his lungs would burst, he went to open his eyes again to try to gasp, to breathe; he couldn’t.

Everything was black.

There was no light, Sirius had no idea where he was anymore and he couldn’t tell where his body started and where it ended. He couldn’t even tell if he’d been able to open his eyes.

“Sirius, you need to wake up.” Effie’s voice broke through again. And he managed to breathe. A heave that choked him. Choked him awake.

“Effie-” He gasped, blindly reaching out, limbs flailing.

“It’s alright sweetheart. You’re ok. I’m here. It’s ok.” Effie effectively dodged his out of control arms and swept them away along with his long hair from his face. Sweetheart. He was always sweetheart. James was love. Remus was darling.

His chest was still heaving. He still couldn’t breathe.

“Effie I can’t-” He gripped a hand around her wrist of the hand she’d placed on his shoulder. “I can’t- breathe-”

“Shh,” She shushed him, smoothing her hand down his other arm that was twisted in the duvet. “Don’t talk if you can’t, sweetheart. You can hear me, yeah? Just nod if you can.”

He did.

“Can you breathe with me? It’ll be hard but I need you to really try, yeah?” He nodded again. “Ok, follow me.”

Sirius had no idea what time of night it was. Probably something ridiculous. He’d barely been here a week and he was already causing trouble. Merlin, he really couldn’t do anything right, could he?

But this he could, he guessed, as Euphemia helped even out his breathing with soft whispers of reassurance that he was safe and he was ok. He felt like he was eight again instead of sixteen, wrapped in her arms when eventually his mind calmed to a reasonable speed. How so, he wasn’t sure, as he’d never gotten the pleasure of his mother ever calming him in such a way. But he felt tiny in her arms, curling up with tears still rolling silently down his cheeks. But at least he could breathe again.

“I could hear you thrashing around from down the hallway, sweetheart. I was so worried.” Effie whispered into his hair that she was still gently stroking. 

“I’m sorry.” Sirius choked out.

“No, don’t apologise. You’re ok.”

“Please don’t send me back there.” He continued, unable to process her words at the time.

“Sirius.” Suddenly she sounded a hell of a lot more serious, her tone shockingly stern. Yet, it didn’t scare him. Not in the slightest. Not the way his mother’s would evoke pure fear in him. “You are never going back to that house again. Ever. Monty and I have been trying to find a way to get you out of there since you were twelve and that won’t change because of a bad night. After what you’ve been through, it’s absolutely expected as well. Never, ever feel bad for reacting to trauma, sweetheart. We don’t get to decide how we do that and most of the time it comes out in some ugly ways.”

Sirius’ chest ached in a way it hadn’t before as he felt an obscene surge of love for this woman, this house and this family.

“Thank you.” He whispered, unsure what else to say after a long moment.

“I’ve always told all of you you’re welcome here any time any day. And I mean that. You’re here to stay, sweetheart.” Effie said.

“You said I woke you up from down the hall. Did I wake James and Remus?”

“Remus, no, but you and I both know he’d sleep through an earthquake if it were to happen. James, yes, but I told him I’d handle it and to go back to bed. I know he’s helped you a lot at school but I could tell this was different. Worse, even. And I didn’t think you’d want to put that on him. He was very worried though. Wouldn’t be surprised if he was still awake now.”

“I love him.” Sirius struggled out a small chuckle.

“He definitely loves you too.” He could hear the smile in Effie’s voice. “Do you want me to get him?”

Sirius thought for a moment before deciding against it. Despite the fact he and James more than likely had attachment issues and could not spend too long without the other, he didn’t think he could handle anyone else at the moment other than Effie.

“Just tell him I’m ok and that he should sleep, the idiot.” He yawned. The exhaustion of the last however long was finally hitting and he felt his eyes growing heavier and heavier.

“Ok, sweetheart. Get some more sleep but if you wake up again, don’t hesitate to come down to us, ok? You’re not a burden and you’re not a nuisance. I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t willing.” Effie patted the side of his head gently and slid him into a more comfortable position lying in bed properly. She tucked the duvet neatly around his shoulders and brushed his hair off his forehead one more time before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.

What an angel of a woman.

“I love you.” Sirius murmured.

“I love you too, sweetheart. Goodnight.”

But he doesn’t really like to think about that either.

Because in all of that, in all the joy he felt of finally being free of the chains that had restrained him his entire life, he had left Regulus behind.

He’d left his baby brother alone in that house with no one to protect him anymore even if Sirius had been done with doing it by that point. Their relationship had become too strained but still, the guilt ate Sirius alive every time he thought about it too much.

Now he was just grateful Regulus survived the war.

He was grateful Regulus to some degree switched sides.

Hell, he was even grateful for that wretched house elf that had never done anything but antagonise him his entire life.

And he’s glad Regulus made the right choice after not being given one at all for so long.

They still hadn’t spoken properly since Sirius’ last year at Hogwarts, a brief interaction even then on Sirius’ birthday early on in the school year. But he’d heard plenty about his brother’s involvement in destroying Voldemort’s Horcruxes and being a large reason for the downfall of the Dark Lord. Dumbldore had informed him and despite the fact Sirius wouldn’t trust that man even as far as he could spit anymore, he knew this was all truth. And he was proud. How couldn’t he be? But it would take a long time for him and Regulus to get anywhere close to what they used to be as children, they both knew that.

In fact, he’d heard plenty about how Regulus had helped Remus in the times where Sirius couldn’t. Where he was too caught up in his own selfishness to even try to understand what Remus was going through.

He’ll never stop hating the man he was during this war. The man he is .

“Moony, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Sirius whispered into the cool night air. “You deserve better than me. A whole hell of a lot better. You deserve someone who knows what they want and who they are because I don’t think I do. And that isn’t fair.”

Remus didn’t say anything for a long while. His tall body was hunched over the railing of the astronomy tower, elbows resting on it and holding most of his weight, sleeves of his jumper pulled to cover his long fingers still despite the warming charm Sirius had cast once he’d found him up here. He stared out across the Great Lake, eyes unfocused, breath steaming the January air in front of him. Eventually, he agreed.

He didn’t look at Sirius as he spoke. “Yeah. I do. I also deserve someone who doesn’t hurt me like you did. Or betray my trust. But I still want you anyway. You still keep me up at night because I can’t stop thinking about you and you still consume my thoughts all day every day. But I can’t find it in me to hate that. I tried, fucking hell, I really tried. But I couldn’t. I can’t .”

Sirius had turned his head to look at Remus’ side profile in the midst of his monologue and he felt his heart shattering into a million tiny pieces because he knew it was his idiocy and his choices that had caused him all this turmoil inside.

“I want to try this, Sirius. But only if you do too. I’m tired of trying to hide the heart that’s clearly on my sleeve and being surprised when it gets hurt. However, that gives you the responsibility of protecting it. I’m asking you to protect it.” Remus turned to make direct eye contact with Sirius, the forest green of his searching the ocean blue of Sirius’. This was raw, this was honest. Remus had never asked something like this of Sirius before.

And truth be told, as scared as Sirius was, as much as he knew Remus was a fool for wanting a mess like him, he wanted it too.

“Ok.” He whispered, almost too quiet but loud enough for Remus to hear still. A promise that Sirius didn’t know he’d break so easily. He hadn’t meant to. He didn’t want to. But he had.

They’d started officially that winter night on the astronomy tower, sixth year, 1976.

They’d also ended on a winter night, 1981.

Tensions had remained high even after the war had been won. Sirius knew that. He knew the way he’d closed off to Remus would not go unnoticed and as expected, it did not.

He’d stayed late at James’ again. He always did these days.

Usually, Remus was in bed asleep by the time he apparated back to their London flat, but this time he was still up, sitting on the living room sofa. Just sitting. That was all. Jaw clenched.

“Hey, I didn’t expect you to still be up. It’s late.” Sirius commented as he slid his long winter coat off and hung it on the series of hooks by the door. Despite his fascination with the punk rock aesthetic from the muggle world, some old House of Black habits of dressing died hard.

“Yeah.” Was all he got as a short, charged reply.

He furrowed his brow as he approached, unsure of how this was going to go.

“Remus, you know why I’m spending so much time there. You have to understand.” It was only half a lie, but a lie it still was. Sirius knew it just as much as he was sure Remus did. The other man scoffed.

“Do you think I’m not a fucking wreck over it too, Sirius? Did it ever occur to you how close I was to losing the only fucking friends I’ve ever had and two of them could’ve died with people thinking it was my fault? And he was going to fucking frame you!” Remus snapped, looking directly at him and yes Sirius knew. He knew all too well how easily that rat had gotten into all their ears and whispered lies about the one man that had never done anything to deserve what they did to him.

It had gone too long unsaid. This conversation had been on standstill for weeks at this point, Sirius knew that. He’d just tried to not give it enough time to evolve because he wasn’t ready to face the reality of his actions. He was a coward, he knew that. But what else could a boy that had only been taught how to run do?

“I told you, Sirius, I told you to protect my heart but at the hardest point for both of us you let it go so easily. Why? Why did you do that?” Remus accused. He stood and took a few shaky steps towards him.

Sirius couldn’t speak.

“Why?!” Remus demanded, a hand Sirius knew could be so gentle shoving roughly into his chest. And he knew he deserved it. From the broken look on Remus’ face, the tears that made his eyes glassy but he didn’t dare let fall. Not today, not this night.

“I don’t know.” Sirius answered honestly. The words came out so weak and he knew he was pathetic for it. He had no right to be as upset as Remus about this. “I really don’t know.”

Remus took a shaky breath. “I begged you to believe me. I promised you I’d explain everything once we won this damn war and I did. It’s not like you told me the details of your missions either because we weren’t fucking allowed, Sirius. We weren’t. As much as you’d like to think you did tell me things, you didn’t. Because none of us did. Even James and Lily didn’t.”

Sirius could only nod.

“I love you so fucking much but the line’s become blurred on whether it’s actually you I’m in love with or the idea of being in love at this point. And I know you love me too but we can’t keep hurting each other like this. You can’t keep hurting me like this, avoiding me, pretending if we leave it for long enough that it’ll go away. Because it won’t. Too much has happened for it to just go away.”

And he was right. He was right, he was right, he was right, Sirius knew with every fibre of his body that Remus Lupin was absolutely right.

“I think we need space, if I’m completely honest.” Remus concluded as if his entire speech hadn’t been pure honesty.

The stabbing feeling Sirius felt all too often when he was eleven was back again, tearing his insides apart. “So this is it? We’re done?” Sirius asked.

“I want to believe we’re not.” Remus frowned. Sirius hated it when he frowned. It didn’t look right on him. Nothing negative ever did and he’d been the cause for it too much of the time. “I want to believe in the future we can go back to what we were. But I think at the moment we need to be apart. To process this actually apart. Because if we do it together we won’t get anywhere and avoiding me is making it worse. You hurt me, Sirius. You hurt me really fucking badly. And I know I hurt you too-”

“But nowhere near what I did to you.” Sirius cut him off, daring to look him in the eye once more.

Remus didn’t say anything to that. He didn’t need to. It might not have been where he was heading but it was where he’d arrived.

“I’m going back to my parents for a bit, I think.” Remus said.

“No.” Sirius interjected. “Stay here. I won’t let you go back home, not with your dad still there. I’ll stay at James and Lily’s for a bit until I find someplace else.”

“I’m not living here rent free whilst you pay for two places, Sirius. That’s not fair.” Remus protested.

“Remus, I can afford it. You know that. It’s the least I can do.” Sirius begged. Please, he thought, please let me just do this last thing for you.

Remus was silent again for a long moment. Sirius knew that he must be weighing up his very few choices of not really wanting to go home but hating being what he thought was an inconvenience. “Ok.” He eventually breathed.

Sirius only needed to pack a few things. All of them, the girls included, basically had a second wardrobe and living space at the Potter’s anyways, James and Lily had made sure of it. Soon he was on the tiny landing outside the flat ready to apparate away again. He thought he should warn James of his arrival, but both owling and the Floo network were out of the question at the moment, so he shakily cast his Patronus. It was unable to take its full wolf form as his mind was running so only a running dash of silver appeared but it took his message and disappeared as it needed to so he couldn’t exactly complain.

Apparition only took a split second, but it had taken him so long to gather himself enough to be sure he wouldn’t splinch himself that when he arrived that he was greeted by open arms and more love than he was sure he deserved in that moment.

And only in the comfort of James Potter’s arms, the boy who had done nothing to deserve the burden of constantly saving him, Sirius Black finally broke.

Christmas parties were a Gryffindor specialty. Well, parties in general were.

And the Marauders knew how to throw a hell of a party.

Sirius knew he’d taken the piss a bit in Sixth Year. It was in between OWLs and NEWTs and so he decided he’d have more than just a bit of fun during it. His birthday in early November had been a complete blowout and more than half of the elder years hadn’t attended classes the next day due to their raging hangovers which Sirius was extremely proud of. 

And so, on the night before the train would be taking them home, with music pounding through the Common Room, courtesy of himself and Remus with their extensive record collections respectively, the portrait door wide open to welcome almost everyone in, and drinks charmed to not allow anyone under, if he remembers correctly, fifteen to drink them (he’d left James in charge of that one), Sirius was having a brilliant time.

He spent most of the evening dancing with Mary and Dorcas, Dorcas being one of the only Slytherins granted entry. Her crush on Marlene was becoming embarrassingly obvious and Sirius had been pushing for her to just go talk to her despite Dorcas’ protests that Marlene still hated her. All because of one potions class in First Year. Really, they’d been at it for that long.

Mary, on the other hand, was insisting that Lily was crushing back on James but would not for the life of her admit it. Needless to say, Mary was at the end of her tether. Sirius swore he’d help get it out of her too as she’d also started softening up to him as well as of recent. That might have been a sign. Perhaps that should’ve been his first hint.

The night was great. All of it.

But as all parties do, eventually the night wound down and at around 2am and only he and Remus were left standing.

Marlene and Dorcas had finally disappeared somewhere together, Mary had grown bored once they’d run out of Witches Brew so headed up to bed, Lily followed about half an hour later, and James took a very drunk and very sleepy Peter to their dorm only a few minutes before.

They’d climbed out the common room window onto the ledge close to it, hoisting themselves onto the jagged rock and climbing to the flat ledge of roof that laid in between two of the adjacent dorm towers. It was a bitter night, the mid-December air biting at their cheeks. Sirius supposes a lot of his and Remus’ important moments happened in winter. Maybe it was their time.

Things had been rocky between them so far that year. And they had every reason to be. It had been that summer that Sirius had stupidly made the rash decision to execute The Prank after hearing the devastating news that his Uncle Alphard had passed away that morning. Besides Andromeda, who had only gotten out of the family’s hold the summer before Sirius’ Second Year, his Uncle Alphard had been the only other family member to support him after he escaped that horrific Christmas the year before. They barely got even a year together.

Sirius knew Remus still didn’t quite trust him. He’d been funny with him all throughout Fifth Year anyways and Sirius was still unsure why. Maybe he’d had a premonition Sirius would fuck up like he did. But over time Remus had come to understand why Sirius did what he did and why he would never do it again, wouldn’t have done it at all if he could go back and do exactly that.

Remus cast a warming charm as they lay back in fits of laughter at the recklessness of making that climb whilst definitely still at least a bit tipsy. Both of them had stopped drinking way earlier in the evening, distracted by dancing and talking, and Sirius knew that he’d sobered up almost completely by that point, Remus had a ridiculously high tolerance anyways and so Sirius was sure he had too.

They simply lay there, chests heaving slightly. Even with the weather he felt like he could spend a lifetime up here. There was nothing more than just him, Remus and the night sky. Two things that were very high on his list of favourite things.

He turned to look at Remus’ side profile, something he’d find he’d mirror in a few weeks time. And he just… looked. 

He’d always thought the other boy was pretty. He could appreciate a man’s beauty just as much as a woman’s, that was never an issue. That wasn’t the surprising part being raised in a house as vain as the Noble House of Black.

Besides, he’d felt… things before too. Girls had never been an issue, but he’d never truly felt right with them. The relationships he’d had with girls were never meant to mess them around, he really had liked them, but probably not in the way he should. So when time passed and he still wasn’t feeling what he thought he should, he’d end it. Sure, it made him look like a hell of a player but in actuality, it was only really to not hurt the girls he was with even more. He couldn’t give them false hope.

But with Remus, it was such a cliched difference that it made him feel sickeningly sweet inside. Despite everything, all the temper tantrums and meltdowns Sirius had over the years, Remus had stuck by his side for all of them. James obviously had too but Remus… Remus was just different . 

Remus would never bullshit him. He’d never coddle him and guarantee he was in the right. He’d tell him exactly how it was, whether it was a comfort or not and Sirius knew he was the one person he could go to when he needed solid advice. James, as much as Sirius adored him, would always tell him everything would be ok. He needed that sometimes, but equally sometimes he needed the cold, hard truth.

Sirius had come to cherish Remus in a league of his own. He began to seek him out for comfort as even just his presence would immediately calm him. It was scary how easy it was for him. How right it felt compared to anything with a girl that had felt so wrong.

“Why are you looking at me?” Remus broke him out of his trance without even looking at him. Maybe Sirius wasn’t all that subtle and could be seen in his peripheral vision.

“Don’t know,” Sirius mumbled without thinking. “Just am.”

Remus fidget, shifting his weight more so to the side Sirius was on.

“It’s been a good night.” He brought his voice down to just a whisper now. Quiet between just them.

“It has.”

Neither of them really knew what to say. Sirius flinched a little when he felt a warm hand against his cold one and immediately, it retracted.

“Sorry.”

“No. It’s ok. I’m just cold, you’re warm.”

“Oh.”

Silently, he reached back out and took Remus’ hand again, lacing their fingers together. This isn’t something they did but somehow, it didn’t feel wrong. Nothing ever felt wrong with Remus.

He heard him take a long intake of breath and hold it for a second before gently letting it back out.

Remus turned his head to look back at Sirius, still saying nothing.

Sirius was unsure why but he lifted himself to rest on his elbow so he could see Remus from a higher angle, studying each aspect of his face even if he knew it all by now.

There was a sprinkling of freckles across his cheekbones and bridge of his nose, forest green eyes blazing, darker than Lily’s emerald but not the type that people mistook for brown. His nose was defined just like his jaw. Then there were the silvery streaks that crossed from his right temple, under, through and over his eyes, bottom one just catching the left corner of his lips. Madame Pomfrey said he’d been lucky she was able to restore his sight to what it was before. Remus hated those scars. They were hard to explain away when people asked and couldn’t be hidden like the rest on his body could be. But Sirius loved them. They reminded him of how brave of a person Remus was and how strong he continued to be every day.

“I don’t want to go home.” Remus admitted, eyes pleading with him.

“Then don’t. Come home with us. Effie would be glad to see you.”

“I can’t.” Remus pressed his lips together regrettably. “I can’t this year. Mum’s really not doing well and I don’t want to miss out on Christmas with her. You know it’s always been her favourite.”

He did know that.

“I know.” He breathed out. “I just really hoped you’d say yes.”

“I want to say yes.”

The words hung between them, developing further and further in Sirius’ mind. He didn’t know where the urge came from but he found himself leaning lower, pausing for a moment as if to ask permission, and let Remus finish closing the gap. Saying yes.

It felt right.

It felt so, so right.

It was only short, brief, but Sirius felt himself clutch at Remus the same way Remus clutched at him.

But this was his best friend. He couldn’t do this with his best friend.

Because what do they do when Sirius inevitably ruins it?

What do they become then?

They were all Remus had and Sirius couldn’t do that to him.

They pulled away gently with stuttering breaths. Sirius wished it never had to end.

But instead, like a fool, he ran.

Sometimes Sirius wishes he never stopped running because if he hadn’t come back he wouldn’t be where he is now. Where they are now.

He glared across the room at where Dumbledore was sitting, upright properly with his hands folded on his lap. It reminded Sirius so much of the pompous way he used to be that it made him feel slightly sick.

“I’m sorry,” Lily creased her forehead. “You’re saying they’re allowing visitation for him?”

“Not quite, Miss Evans-”

“Mrs Potter.” Lily quickly snapped, correctly the old man. It had only been a casual three years or so since their wedding.

“Apologies, Mrs Potter, force of habit.” Dumbledore gave that small smile Sirius hated before continuing. “As I was saying, the Ministry isn't quite allowing visitation per say but I have managed to convince them to allow you two, Mr Potter and Mr Black, as well as Mr Lupin, a short slot of time in order to speak with him. I think it to be only fair after the endeavours you’ve been through as of recent thanks to his doing.”

“Oh yeah, because you really cared about what was fair to us before now.” James spat. Sirius looked over at him and saw how his jaw was clenched tighter than he’d ever seen it. Even more so than when he thought about how awful Sirius’ family was, which got him pretty angry.

“Mr Potter, I understand your anger-”

“No. Sorry, but no. You don’t. You knew about the prophecy before my son was even born yet you did nothing when both him and Neville came about within hours of each other. You knew about the horcruxes since Regulus got that locket yet you told none of us. Merlin, you only put Lily, Harry and I into hiding because Snape fucking begged you because he’s still obsessed with my wife after all these years!” James’ voice only grew louder as he ranted. Anger that had built over the last few years had finally bubbled too high for the extensive container that had been James’ patience. “You took my fucking invisibility cloak, for Merlin’s sake! What did you even want it for? ‘Research’ my ass, you and I both know it’s a Deathly Hallow because you have the Elder Wand. Doesn’t matter whether we know where the Resurrection Stone is so what more did you want? We know what it does. You set us up. You knew there was a spy, you knew that you were putting Lily and I as well as Alice and Frank in danger and you didn’t care . You’ve fucked up so much for us but as long as things went to plan, right?”

The worst part was, Dumbledore didn’t even look phased. Deep down, Sirius knew it was all the truth. And really if he was to pin the blame on someone for putting the initial strain on his and Remus’ relationship, he could link it back to Dumbledore. The way he’d used Remus as an easy way to infiltrate the werewolf packs, the only reason it turns out that he’d even been allowed to go to Hogwarts at all, the way he swore Remus to secrecy about his affiliation in hunting horcruxes with Sirius’ own baby brother. James had every right to be angry about the even more damaging things that his family had been put through.

“So, will I be telling the Ministry you declined visiting Mr. Pettigrew?” Dumbledore asked calmly.

“Now when the fuck did I say that?” James snapped.

The level of the Ministry that held the holding cells for prisoners before they were sent to Azkaban was dark, damp and musty. It was clearly not well taken care of and Sirius couldn’t help but feel as if it was perfect given who he knew sat in waiting for them just down this hallway.

They’d met Remus there. It had been weeks since Sirius had last seen him. He looked well, if it was possible to judge that via appearance. Sirius supposes he looked ok now as well though, too busy with helping Lily and James with Harry to let himself fall down the emotional rabbit hole he was in for the first few days he was at Godric’s Hollow. 

Not a single word had been exchanged between them but Sirius felt Remus’ fingers slide into his in what was meant as an act of solidarity and comfort but all it did was bring him closer to the verge of tears. However, he still gripped on.

Mad-Eye Moody, someone the trio had become well acquainted with during their time in the Order, had led them down from the main Auror office. They were made to pass their wands to a Ministry worker at the door of the holding cell block. Apparently they wanted to make sure if there was going to be a brawl, at least it would be a fair fight as Peter’s wand had already been snapped. His trial still hadn’t taken place yet which was why he was being held in the Ministry rather than Azkaban, but there was no doubt about his guilt and for once, it was an unfair judgement that Sirius could absolutely support.

They heard the squeaky crying before they even reached the cell. That annoying thing that Peter used to always do when he was upset where he’d blubber like he was still eleven even in Seventh Year.

“James! Sirius! Remus! You came!” He exclaimed as they were let into the cell. Peter was sitting at a rickety old wooden table on an equally unstable chair, secured by each wrist to long chains that connected to the walls, and opposite three more chairs that didn’t look any better for wear. “My friends!”

The three of them were silent. None of them really knew what to say, to be honest, as they sat down in the same order Peter called for them across from him.

“Thirty minutes max, boys.” Moody gruffed out before stepping back and closing the cell door just to. He strode a few paces away to give them a semblance of privacy.

“You have to tell them they made a mistake, please, get me out of here.” Peter begged, hands reaching across for them but cut short by the chain restraints.

Sirius could feel Remus’ hand tighten around his almost uncomfortably but he didn’t move.

“Cut the shit, Peter. I saw you at the Death Eater meeting. I heard what you said. You can’t get out of that.” Remus spoke lowly, and evenly. Sirius was impressed. He was still unsure quite what his voice would sound like if he was to speak.

“No, Remus, you don’t get it-” Peter scrambled, eyes wild. “I was forced. The Dark Lord said if I didn’t-”

“The fact you call him ‘The Dark Lord’ tells me more than enough already.” Remus cut him off.

Peter squeaked that annoying squeak once more. “He was going to kill me.”

“Then you should’ve died.” Sirius found himself speaking without even intending to.

“What?” Peter spluttered.

“You’re right, Peter. You shouldn’t be here. You should be dead in some random building in some random place because you would’ve rather died than betray your best friends and allies. That’s what honour is. That’s what bravery is. That’s what is meant to make you a Gryffindor.”

The small blonde boy could only stare at him for a few seconds, mouth gaping, before he dropped his head. Perhaps he was finally starting to feel some regret. Instead, he let out a maniacal cackle, not dissimilar to ones he’d heard from Bellatrix, it was that unhinged. When he looked up, the usual doe eyes they’d come to know from him were sharpened and tainted with something dark, something eerie. Something they didn’t recognise.

“Merlin, Sirius. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a Gryffindor after all. I mean, the hat wanted me in Slytherin anyways. I begged it to put me in Gryffindor, exactly where I knew we’d all end up. That would make everything so much easier. Besides, it’s the guts to betray my friends that convinced the hat to do it. I told the stupid thing I’d do whatever it took.” Peter drawled. “And who was going to pick on me when I was friends with and in the same house as James Potter and Sirius Black? No one. To be honest, I couldn’t give a damn about muggles and mudbloods. Lily and Mary? Sure, I like them, I think you picked a good one James, but I could not care less what happens to them. They’re not true wizards.”

“Merlin, you sound like my family.” Sirius scoffed. “Not like your lot were any better than muggleborns in their eyes. Weren’t the Pettigrews kicked off of the Sacred list because of the amount of squibs they produced? Sounds to me that they aren’t any better at creating, in your words not mine, ‘true wizards’.” 

The glare Peter threw at him would’ve killed him ten times over. “And yet you still fell exactly into place as I wanted you to. You hung on my every word. It was like chess really, and you know how good I am at that. But I see you and Remus are still going steady. I’m impressed. After the way you treated him at least.”

If only he knew.

A shaky breath came from the silent side of the table. “Why?”

It was the first thing James had said since their arrival.

“Why did you do it Peter?” His voice was thick with emotion that Sirius could tell he was choking down. James Potter had far too much pride to cry in the presence of Peter Pettigrew anymore. “You were there for everything for me. Merlin, you were even there for the birth of my son and yet you do this to us? Why ?”

Sirius wishes it was as easy to read Peter now as it had been in the past.

He hated the way the smug grin slid across his face. “Why not?”

Sirius’ free hand that wasn’t still clutching at Remus’ automatically slammed onto the table as his jaw locked. The way he could wrap it around Peter’s neck, choke the life out of him and never think twice about it actually sort of terrified him.

“You boys simply weren’t helping me anymore. The Order were losing, clearly, and very much would’ve overall if Regulus Black hadn’t defected, you know. And so I did what I had to do.”

“But we've been friends since we were kids. You tried to get Marlene killed too, we’re lucky we moved her family when we did.” James asked exasperatedly. 

“It wasn’t anything personal. I was asked for information and I gave up something I knew.” Peter shrugged.

Remus’ fingers tightened around his at the same time Sirius’ hand on the table clenched into a fist. A warning sign, almost, to calm himself.

“James, I don’t think you quite understand the concept of I never cared . Ever. Not about you, not about Marlene, not about this war or who or what we lost. I did what I had to do in order to survive and if that meant buddying up to you, pulling stupid pranks during school or fighting for a cause I didn’t care about, I did it.”

The look on James’ face was unreadable.

“None of you will get it because you care too much. You’re never going to be able to disconnect enough from what you care so much about to understand how little I do about the same. And that’s that.” Peter said with a sense of finality. He then raised his voice, calling for Moody. “I think that’ll be all.”

Now Sirius had seen James upset many times in his life. However, these were minor, small things. Occasionally they were bigger, more serious, but never like this.

He managed to hold it together as they exited the holding cells, as they made their way back up through the Ministry, as they walked to the series of fireplaces connected to the Floo network.

The moment James Potter finally broke was the moment he arrived back in his own home at Godric’s Hollow where his wife and son were waiting. And just as he had done for Sirius, Sirius held him together.

Sirius had heard plenty about the wonders of Hogwarts from his cousins. He’d spent hours interrogating Andromeda during the summer when he had his first coming of age ceremony where he was finally presented with his own wand. The second would come when he actually turned of age near the start of his Sixth Year. She was the only one who would put up with his incessant questions.

“It’s beautiful, Sirius. Really.” She assured him. “It’ll be the best seven years of your life.”

She’d told him all about the boat ride across the Great Lake, and the floating candles in the Great Hall. And even living with magic all his life, he was still in awe. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what the muggleborns were feeling right now.

Even now, as he wandered down the column in the middle of the four tables with the other First Years, he searched for his cousin on the Slytherin table. He found her easily beside Narcissa, the new blonde sheen of his other cousin’s hair sticking out like a sore thumb compared to the much more common dark hair that populated around them. Andromeda threw him a wink and a thumbs up. He grinned back at her.

The Sorting Ceremony had gone alphabetically, which meant there had only been a few in line before him. He almost skipped up to the stool where McGonnagol stood but stopped himself out of the sheer embarrassment he would’ve felt afterwards. Happily, he sat on the stool and embraced the light weight of the hat being placed on his head.

Ah, another Black… It whispered in his mind. Hmm… now this should be easy but I sense a soul filled with defiance. Perhaps we should consider alternatives?

Sirius prayed every day with every fibre of his body he would never turn out like his mother, but he was unsure what he’d do if he were to be so clearly separated.

I feel a strong sense of longing. However longing does not always equate to belonging… Yes. Yes I think I have it. You will go to “GRYFFINDOR!”

The Gryffindor table immediately burst into applause at the same moment Sirius felt his heart drop to his feet.

Five. Hundred. Years.

Five hundred years of tradition that he’d just broken in less than thirty seconds.

His body felt like lead but his brain knew he had to move and so as if automatically, he began shuffling towards the roaring Gryffindor table. He desperately searched for Andromeda in the crowd again, and for the split second he caught her eye, all he saw was pity.

Remus closed the front door to the Potter’s house gently, as to not disturb the family inside. It was late, but they hadn’t been able to leave James’ side until now. Not when he’d been in such a state. Sirius wasn’t quite sure where he was going to go for the night because he didn’t feel right intruding on James’ night with Lily and Harry. Mary would probably welcome him in on a usual day but she was up with her family for the holidays. Marlene might be around.

He watched Remus walk down to the end of the path with his head hung, as he unlatched the little garden gate and stepped outside the safety wards that were still in place over the house. Lily had said to Sirius a few days ago that she was still too paranoid to let them down. It gave her some comfort to know everything was still there, sans Fidelius charm. Remus turned to look back at him and his face read with slight surprise when he realised Sirius wasn’t right behind him.

“Sirius?” He called down the path.

He looked up.

Remus had one hand on the gate still, the other now taking refuge in his pocket. His head was tilted slightly to the side and his hair still looked as fluffy as usual.

God he was just so gorgeous.

“Come home, Sirius.”

“What?”

“I said come home.” Remus’ eyes never left him. “I can’t stay angry at you. I know what I said and for the most part, I meant it. I meant that you hurt me and I meant we needed time apart. I was hurt that you were avoiding me instead of us actually processing things separately. But I didn’t mean not knowing if I was in love with you anymore. I think I always will be, no matter what. And I’m now able to understand that we all made absolutely stupid decisions during the war because we felt we had no other options. I know now that you’d never think less of me just because of what I am, or doubt me for it. I’m sorry for ever accusing you of that.”

Sirius’ eyes couldn’t leave him either.

It only took a few strides down the pathway before he was grabbing Remus’ face in two hands and bringing him down to his level, their lips connecting. Despite everything that had happened that day, Sirius found his comfort in the arms of the love of his life. Remus placed his hands on Sirius’ back and pressed him close, as if he was worried he’d slip away if he didn’t hold on.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius murmured against his lips. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“I know you are.” Remus spoke at the same volume. “I’m sorry too.”

As always, it was easy to lose himself in Remus’ arms.

“Let’s go home.” Remus’ whispered. Sirius nodded. Soon, with a crack, they were back on the small landing he knew so well.

The stars were always of interest to him over the years. It wasn’t surprising, given the names his family picked out. Sirius, Regulus, Andromeda, Bellatrix, etc. But it was almost comical how much comfort he found in something so intertwined with his family, the one thing he wishes he could completely forget.

But as Sirius lay there in bed, curled right in Remus’ arms where he knew he belonged, he looked out through the window, where the curtains had been left slightly ajar.

The light pollution in London meant that he couldn’t see many stars in the sky, but there he was still. Sirius. The star, that is. Right there in the Winter Triangle with Betelgeuse and Procyon.

Home.

And he’s glad. 

Because they all made it.

Safe.

Alive.

And happy? They were getting there.

Somewhere out there, in another life perhaps, the stars seemed a whole lot brighter in contrast to the dark night sky. A scattering of bright constellations in scripted patterns.

The waves tore against the already crumbling rock and sourced as white noise in the background to anyone ashore. Loud, rampant, consistent.

Occasionally someone would scream. But it was so common that it didn’t phase him at this point.

He wasn’t sure what day it was anymore. He certainly hadn’t moved for multiple, that was for sure. What month was it now? Was it December? January? Longer? He was sure even summer would probably feel the same when it came around. If it hadn’t already.

He knew his 22nd birthday had passed but that was only because it was three days after. The first birthday in eleven years he’d spent without his favourite people. Only three days after everything came crashing down.

Everything that had built him up so high.

And the rat had won.

But hey, maybe his parents would finally be proud. Even if it was all a lie.