Work Text:
It’s an impromptu cocktail hour of sorts.
Keeley had stopped by to pick up Roy and fit in a long, tight, squeeze with Rebecca in her office while she waited for him. Then Higgins had stopped by with some paperwork for Rebecca and the three of them had got caught up chatting like old times so when Roy had walked in, looked directly at Keeley and said, “I need a beer,” Rebecca had simply walked to the tiny little fridge next to her bar cart and pulled one out for him.
He’d blinked at her in surprise but said, “Yeah, alright,” and plonked himself down on the couch with his arm around Keeley.
“Wine?” Rebecca had asked, pulling out a bottle, to which Keeley had offered an enthusiastic, “Hell yeah!” and before they knew it the four of them were settled on her couch with drinks in hand.
It feels casual and leisurely, like evenings at the pub, and she can’t help the smile that rises on her face at how her office feels like an extension of herself now in the very best of ways. There’s no denying the line between work and personal is completely and utterly blurred but she wouldn’t have it any other way.
She reaches for the pink box still sitting on her coffee table, the victim of a day so full of meetings she’s barely had time to stop until now, and after grabbing a biscuit for herself she holds it out to Keeley who waves the offer off with a firm, “No babe, they’re yours!”
“Oh come on, I know I’ve been a bit Gollum about them in the past but really it’s fine, I can share!” Rebecca laughs, knowing it’s entirely her own fault that the biscuits have taken on a somewhat venerated status around the club.
They aren’t the only thing that keeps her grounded anymore though; no longer the lifeline she used to reach for when feeling was too much and she needed to shove it all down with butter and sugar lest it sending her spinning away someplace she didn’t want to go, unable to stop.
She has so many other tools to support her now, these three beautiful humans on her couch firmly amongst them, that the biscuits just feel like the cherry on top of a life shaped around a fulfilling job and loving relationships. Something extra but hardly the focal point of her emotional stability anymore.
“No it’s not that, it just feels like it would be a bit…weird if I ate one, y’know?” Keeley explains, making the same face she does when confronted with pimento stuffed olives which makes no sense at all.
“Why?” Rebecca asks, confused as she puts the box back down, and looks to her friend for an answer.
“Well cause babes, the biscuits are like…” Keeley lowers her voice slightly and points at her groin, “y’know… his dick.”
“What the actual fuck, Keeley?” Rebecca exclaims in utter shock.
“Fuckin’ hell,” Roy breathes out as he withdraws his arm from around Keeley’s shoulder and shuffles to the side ever so slightly.
Higgins merely makes a noise in the back of his throat like a cat with a furball and stares at them all with wide eyes.
“What?” Keeley asks, looking around at their stunned reactions with genuine confusion on her face. “It’s a metaphor.”
“Oh god, I know I’m going to regret saying this but…explain yourself,” Rebecca sighs out.
“I mean, it’s pretty self explanatory isn’t it?” Keeley responds, looking around at the three of them, only to meet blank faces.
“Well ‘cause the shape of them’s obviously a bit phallic yeah?” she says, reaching for one and holding it delicately between two fingers of one hand as two from the other stroke up and down it’s sides in demonstration.
“They’re rectangles, Keeley. Not everything that’s a rectangle is fucking phallic,” Roy argues.
“Name something rectangular,” she counters, dropping the biscuit back into the box.
“Remote controls.”
She smirks in satisfaction, “Babe, that’s too easy. If it’s got the word control in it it’s fucking phallic.”
“Oooh,” Higgins breathes out, eyes widening even further, “She might have a point.”
“That was one fucking example, that doesn’t mean she’s right about every rectangular thing…” he grows in frustration. “There are lots of other rectangular things in the world…” he starts but abruptly cuts himself off, taking a deep breath with his eyes closed, “No, no — I am not getting dragged into this insanity.”
Despite her own mortification at this bizarre conversation, Rebecca can’t help but grin a little at Roy’s obvious discomfort and tells him, “I think that’s a good decision, Roy.”
“Anyway, where was I?” Keeley continues. “Oh! So, we’ve already established they’re phallic…and then they come in a box,” she adds pointedly.
Rebecca throws her hands up in the air, “Oh come on that’s a reach and you know it! What else is he supposed to put them in?”
“…but does it have to be pale pink? That’s awfully erotic if you ask me,” Keeley says with raised eyebrows.
Rebecca actually starts to blush at that and tries to wave Keeley off, throwing her arms in the direction of her beaming friend, but ducking her head to avoid actually looking her in the eyes.
“I’m just saying!” Keeley shrugs.
“No, no, no, this is all completely ridiculous, Keeley and your ‘evidence’ is hardly compelling. If rectangles and pink boxes is all you’ve got…”
“Oh, it’s not,” Keeley cuts her off in bright voice, smiling at them all sweetly.
“Fuck me,” Rebecca groans, putting her head in her hands.
“Yes, exactly, that’s one bit right there!” Keeley bounces as she points accusingly at Rebecca.
Rebecca’s head shoots up, “What are you talking about, Keeley!”
“Whenever you eat one you either say ‘fuck me’ or act like you’re having an orgasm.”
“I do not!” she hears herself say, even though she knows it’s a lie, as her cheeks absolutely flood with heat now.
Higgins squeaks and Roy breathes out a low, “Well…” under his breath.
“Yeah, you do babe. Honestly at this point, I don’t even feel like I’ll ever need a sex tape to know how you sound when you’re having sex,” she shrugs.
“Keeley!”
“What? It’s a compliment! You sound hot! Doesn’t she boys?”
Rebecca glares at her and points a finger at Roy and then Higgins, “Don’t even think about answering that.”
“As if I fucking would,” Roy scoffs.
Higgins just squeaks again and stands up to fetch a bottle of water from the drinks trolley, which he begins chugging immediately and then clutches tightly in his lap as he returns to the couch.
“You know what, let’s end this conversation here I think, Keeley.”
“But I’ve got one more bit of evidence!” Keeley pouts. “And honestly it’s the best bit.”
“Listen I’m not saying I agree with this lunacy…but I am kind of curious?” Roy shrugs.
“Ugh, fine!” she relents, figuring it can’t possibly get any more embarrassing than it’s already been.
“Well there was that time he messed up the recipe right? They were literally full of salt and you took a bite, said they were shit, and then changed your mind and continued eating them!”
“So?” Rebecca looks at her blankly, completely baffled as to the point Keeley is trying to make.
“Oh come on babes, a salty mouthful that you swallowed down when no one else would have? And I mean, you’re the most elegant person I know but those biscuits are massive and you never break them into smaller pieces, you just take the whole thing in your mouth like size is not an issue. If that’s not phallic I literally don’t know what else is.”
Rebecca doesn’t speak. She opens her mouth to try, but nothing comes out. She searches her brain for words, any words, but there are none.
Keeley looks around at Roy and Higgins, both equally silent.
“See I’m right aren’t I?” she says triumphantly.
“Right about what?” Ted’s voice interrupts as he steps into her office.
The four of them jump a little and respond, “Nothing!” practically in unison.
“Okay, what’d I miss?” he asks, looking around at the four silent people with varying shades of red on their faces.
Keeley looks like she’s about to open her mouth but Rebecca stands and strides over to him quickly saying, “Nothing at all important,” as she kisses him firmly on the lips.
“Hi,” he murmurs with a smile.
“Ready to go home?” she asks, trying to mask the mortification she’s still trying to get under control.
“With you?” he responds warmly. “Always.”
“I’ll just get my bag,” she tells him, walking swiftly to her desk to retrieve her things.
“I got somethin’ on my face?” he asks as he looks from Roy, to Keeley, to Higgins, all gazing at him with a certain undefinable expression on their faces that he can’t figure out what to make of.
But there’s no time to question them further and he just gives them all a little wave and a, “Good to see ya, Keeley!” as Rebecca practically pushes him out the door.
“Well that was…” Higgins begins, breathing out a deep, flummoxed sigh of relief now that the two of them are gone.
As he does, Rebecca pops her head back around the door of her office and points her finger at the three of them sharply.
“If you ever breathe a word of that outside this office…” she gestures slitting her throat and her eyes tell them all she means it.
Keeley nods seriously, wide eyed like a child who’s just gotten into serious trouble, and she makes the ‘cross your heart’ gesture solemnly.
When Rebecca leaves again Roy speaks up, “Not a word of this to the gaffer yeah?”
“Oh babe he already knows,” Keeley laughs.
“He does?” Higgins stutters. “How? why? Do I need to call in someone from HR?”
“Well it just kind of slipped out one day,” Keeley answers, completely unfazed. “He asked me if I could take them up to her one day and I may have said, ‘It’d be a pleasure to deliver your dick biscuits to my best friend,’ without thinking. Naturally he asked me what I meant so I explained the whole thing, how it was obviously a metaphor for offering himself to her romantically and sexually. He went bright red and then he said ‘Oh my lord, I did not realise I was doin’ that. But we all know I do love a good metaphor and quite frankly, I think your analysis tracks. I guess I better get my act together and just ask her out on a gosh darned date cause otherwise I’m no better than those fellas who slide into folks DMs with unsolicited dick pics, sheesh.’ And then he did, he asked Rebecca out and we all know the rest is history.”
“Fuck me this is the weirdest group of friends I’ve ever had and that’s fucking saying something.” Roy shakes his head and takes another swig from his beer.
“Yeah but you love us,” Keeley grins at him. “And we love them!”
“I do love them,” Higgins agrees earnestly.
“Come on then, a toast. To the unexpected route that love takes, yeah?”
They raises their respective drinks and Keeley says, “To Ted and Rebecca!”
Higgins is already taking a sip of his water when she adds, “And dick biscuits!”
He tries to hold it in but he can’t; the noise tries to escape entirely against his will and he sprays Roy and Keeley with the entire mouthful.
“Ooh, I’m so sorry!” he winces in apology.
“That was your fault babe,” Roy says blinking through the water dripping down his face.
“Yep. Yeah, I get that,” Keeley answers, stunned into complete stillness.
“I’ll just be right back with some towels,” Higgins says apologetically, standing and hurrying out the door.
“You really not going to tell me what that was all about with Keely and Roy and Higgins?” he asks, pressing a kiss to her shoulder as she’s doing her skincare routine in the bathroom.
“I’m really, really not,” she answers him tightly, refusing to meet his curious gaze in the mirror.
He wraps his arms around her waist and kisses her cheek now, “That embarrassing huh?” he teases.
She rolls her eyes but she can see the pink on her cheeks and he laughs as he gives her a little squeeze and snuffles his face into the side of her neck before looking back into the mirror.
He catches her gaze there this time, and tells her gently, “You know you never have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable or ready to share, right?”
The burning in her cheeks fades a little as a different sensation captures her attention instead, a warmth that calms her, radiating from the centre of her chest, flowing down into her stomach. She turns in his arms and reaches her hands around his neck so she can pull him to her, kissing him softly.
“I do know, Ted.”
“Well, okay then,” he says, kissing her forehead and leaving her to finish up with her array of creams and spritzes.
“You know though, if it would make you feel any better,” his voice calls out jovially from the bedroom, “I’m pretty sure nothin’ could ever be more embarrassin’ than the time Keeley explained to me that your biscuits were a metaphor for my romantic and sexual interest in you. She straight up called ‘em ‘dick biscuits’ and I damn near fainted in the middle of the club.”
She freezes with her fingers already halfway to her face to pat in her eye cream.
Un-fucking-believable.
She is going to absolutely murder Keeley.