Chapter Text
1.
“How do I look?” Shelby asks, entering the living room where Fatin and Toni are spread out on the couch.
“You look hot” Fatin says, looking Shelby up and down. “Easy access with the dress, I like your style Miss Goodkind”
Shelby scoffs “That is not what I was going for”.
Fatin shrugs before getting up and walking into the kitchen, leaving Shelby to run her hands up and down her dress, her face painted with nervous worry all of a sudden. Toni, who hasn’t been able to take her eyes off Shelby since she entered the room, hates the anxious look she sees on her face.
“You look great Bee” She says, smiling softly up at her.
Shelby’s entire face lights up at that, and it sets Toni’s heart off into a rapid pace. They stare at each other for a moment, lost in their own personal bubble, soft smiles on both their faces.
“Thanks Toni” Shelby whispers before they’re interrupted by Fatin returning from the kitchen, Rachel and Dot in tow.
Dot wolf whistles as Rachel shouts “You look hot”.
“Incredibly hot” Dot adds on, walking over to wrap her arm around Shelby’s shoulder.
Shelby blushes and ducks her head, avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room. Toni’s finding it incredibly difficult to take her eyes off of Shelby.
Toni continues to watch as Shelby grabs her bag and jacket, she watches as Dot ensures Shelby has everything she needs, as Fatin adjusts her dress to enhance her cleavage - “If you’ve got it you flaunt it Shelby” - She watches on as the girl she loves gets ready for a date with someone else, and she feels her heart crack.
She joins her friends at the door as they wave Shelby off, her date not even bothering to pick her up which Toni thinks is just absurd, but who is she too judge.
“You okay?” Fatin asks her once they’ve settled back onto the couch, Dot and Rachel returning to their baking in the kitchen.
“Yeah I’m fine” She replies, eyes not moving from the TV in front of her. She can feel Fatin’s worried gaze boring into the side of her head. Since she had drunkly confessed everything to Fatin one Friday night as she had watched Shelby flirt with a random girl in the bar they were at, the other girl had been Toni’s confidant, someone she could go to when she was feeling particularly down, she couldn’t be more grateful for her.
“Okay well” Fatin starts, kicking her legs up on the table in front of her “I’m here if you need me”
Toni sends her a grateful smile before turning back to the TV.
She really has no reason to be upset, she has no right to care what Shelby does or who she does it with. She backed out of telling Shelby how she felt when she came out 6 months ago, the thought of rejection meant Toni had built her walls up, and now she has to watch as Shelby finally dips her toe into the dating pool. She knew it would happen eventually, she just didn’t know it would hurt this much.
It’s later that night when Toni’s watching Netflix in bed, unable to sleep until she knows Shelby’s safely back home and in bed. She heard the front door shut 10 minutes ago and she can vaguely, through the wall they share, hear Shelby shuffling around in her bedroom.
Toni had just settled down ready to try and sleep, Netflix continuing to play on a lowered volume, when she hears a soft knock on the door before it was being opened by a nervous looking Shelby.
“Hey Bee” Toni greets as she sits up in her bed “Everything okay?”
Shelby shuffles forward slightly, her hands nervously twisting together. Toni frowns, she knows Shelby can get pretty bad anxiety at times and it always breaks her heart when she see her like this. Toni props some pillows behind her back, then moves over slightly before drawing the duvet back and gesturing for Shelby to come and join her.
It earns her a grateful smile and Shelby rushes over, settling in next to Toni so their arms and legs are pressed up against each other.
“How was the date?” Toni asks with a bitter taste in her mouth, hoping that Shelby can’t tell .
Shelby gives a hollow laugh “I mean, she spent practically all night on her phone so…”
Toni clenches her jaw and her hands ball into fists, how anyone in their right mind could spend an evening with Shelby and decide to give more attention to their phone than to Shelby was lost on her. And sure, it makes her jealous, how someones getting the opportunity to date Shelby and they’re just wasting it, but more importantly it makes her angry. Angry because she knows Shelby’s new to dating, new to dating women and she just wants to protect her, to shelter her from all the women who don’t deserve her time and energy. Who don’t deserve her.
She feels Shelby’s hand take her fist and eases it open so she can slide her hand into Toni’s, and then she starts playing with Toni’s fingers and soothingly rubs her thumb along Toni’s knuckles. She knows Shelby does this to calm herself down, to relax herself if she’s feeling on edge. So Toni just sits there and let’s Shelby run her fingers up and down her wrist over and over again.
“It’s fine really” Shelby says, glancing over at Toni “I didn’t really like her that much anyway”
“You deserve someone who knows how lucky they are to have you” Toni whispers, staring straight ahead.
She can feel Shelby’s gaze on her but she refuses to move her eyes away from the TV screen in front of her. They stay like that for what feels like an hour, certainly long enough for Toni to start panicking, wondering if she’s finally crossed a line, if she’s said too much. She’s about to apologise when Shelby finally breaks the silence. “Is it” her voice is hoarse when it comes out, she has to clear it before continuing “Is it okay if I sleep in here tonight?”
Toni thinks her heart stops beating.
They’ve only shared a bed twice before, both times when Shelby was drunk and couldn’t bare to leave Toni’s side, apparently.
She nods her head, not sure she’s able to speak just yet.
They move the pillows down so they’re both lying on their backs staring at the ceiling. Toni’s bed isn’t quite a double so they’re pressed up against each other. It’s border line awkward and then Shelby rolls onto her side, rests her head on Toni’s shoulder and drapes her arm across her stomach. For the second time in 5 minutes Toni thinks her heart stops beating.
“Is this okay?” Shelby whispers. Despite initiating the contact she feels tense against Toni, she’s holding her body so tightly, like she’s unable to relax; so Toni nods then moves her arm under Shelby to pull her in closer.
She can practically feel the tension evaporate from Shelby’s body as she burrows into Toni. She whispers a “Goodnight” into Toni’s neck and within 10 minutes Toni feels her breathing even out.
“Night Bee” Toni whispers into the quiet room.
2.
It’s two days later when Shelby goes on another date, this one Toni didn’t even know it was happening.
She returns from basketball practice tired and sweaty but in a good mood, practice had gone well and her coach had said she can start for the first time on the weekend. She’s greeted by her 7 friends slouching around her living room, Leah’s returned from an impromptu visit from her parents and is sitting on Fatin’s lap in the armchair, Dot and Rachel are sitting on the floor, backs resting against the TV cabinet whilst Martha and Nora sit either side of Shelby on the couch.
It takes a minute for her to realise all the girls were staring at Shelby, listening intently to what she was saying before Toni had interrupted.
Toni drops her bag to the floor before walking over and giving Martha a one armed hug from behind the sofa “Everything okay?” She asks behind an unsure smile, because honestly she hasn’t got a clue what she’s just walked in on.
Toni settles on the free chair next to the sofa whilst Martha beams at her
“Shelby’s telling us about her date”
Toni feels her smile falter. “You uh - You had another date?” She turns her gaze to Shelby who’s sitting there with the biggest smile on her face, her hands wrapped in Martha’s
“Yeah, I met her at Yoga, we went for lunch”
“She paid for Shelby’s meal and everything” Martha interrupts, smiling gleefully at Shelby.
“And they already have a second date planned” Nora adds on.
Toni feels her heart break.
She’s quiet for a beat too long, Shelby has a concerned look on her face as she stares at Toni and she can feel the other girls’ eyes upon her.
“That’s great Bee” She manages to stutter out before hastily getting to her feet. “I’m gonna go shower, I’m really sweaty” she’s pretty sure she hears Shelby call after her as she exits the room but Toni doesn’t stop, she just keeps walking until she makes it to the safety of her room.
The door opens a few moments after she closes it, Fatin stands there with a sympathetic smile before walking over to Toni and wrapping her arms around her, and Toni’s so tired that she just collapses right into Fatin’s arms. She’s not sure how long Fatin holds her for but she’s certain it’s long enough to draw suspicion from the other girls still sitting in the other room. When she brings this to Fatin’s attention, Fatin just shushes her and moves Toni to her bed. She thinks she’s too emotionally drained to sleep, but within 10 minutes she feels her eyes start to close as Fatin rubs soothing circles on her back.
“Thank you” Toni manages to mumble out before falling asleep. She’s out before Fatin smiles sadly down at her and whispers “No problem”
+++++
It’s a few hours later when Toni eventually wakes up, Fatin long gone, and, if it’s possible, she feels worse now than before she fell asleep. Her phone lighting up catches her eye and she reaches over to see 20 different text notifications, all from the girls. Shelby’s the top notification, 9 text messages sent since she abruptly left the living room in the guise of a shower. She clicks on them now, with no intention of replying
Shelby :)
are you okay? fatin said u weren’t feeling well :(((
[17:38]
i’m making some food, do u want any??
[18:23]
toni?
[19:00]
i made chicken parma, if ur feeling hungry there’s some left over for u in the fridge xx
[19:10]
do u need me to run to the store and get u any medicines?
[20:02]
fatin said u were sleeping which explains why u haven’t messaged me back
[20:49]
not that u need to reply to my every message ofc, i was just worried
[20:52]
sorry for rambling
[20:55]
goodnight toni, hope u feel better soon xxx
[22:21]
Toni cant help the small smile that appears on her face, Shelby’s always been so caring, always making sure Toni was okay and if she wasn’t, she always wanted to help. It was one of the many, many reasons Toni loved her.
She rubs the sleep out of her eyes while she shoots off a quick text to Shelby, not wanting the other girl to worry.
sorry, fell asleep. i’m feeling ok now thank u :)
[22:42]
goodnight bee <3
[22:43]
Once she’s sent the text she flops backwards on her bed, staring at the peeling paint on her ceiling. Deep down Toni knows she can’t carry on like this with Shelby for much longer, it brought her too much pain to picture Shelby out on dates, Shelby out on dates with people that aren’t her. And she knows deep down that it’s her fault she’s in this situation, she wishes she had just told Shelby all those months ago. But she didn’t and now she’s here, watching other people take the girl she loves, out on dates.
She rolls over onto her side, and clutches at the blanket Shelby left in her room a few months ago, it still faintly smells like her; and Toni falls asleep dreaming of going on a picnic date with Shelby Goodkind.
3.
Toni could feel the anger bubbling below the surface. It had been 2 weeks since Shelby’s second date, 2 weeks of Shelby dating this woman, Tara - stupid name in Toni’s opinion - 2 weeks of Toni having to sit through date debriefs with the girls, 2 weeks of Fatin sending her sad smiles across the room, 2 weeks of the little hope Toni had left in her, completely vanishing. Her pain had turned into anger, a defence mechanism Toni had been using to protect herself for as long as she could remember. She was just so tried and sad, but every time she had to sit and listen to Shelby gush about this woman, she felt herself get irritated and angry; not at Shelby, never at Shelby. But at herself.
It all boiled over on a Thursday night, the eight of them were having one of their movie nights. They’d already watched love actually and were about to start La La Land. Toni had opted for a quick toilet break in between films and when she returned she saw Shelby in the middle of the room wearing a revealing red dress that took Toni’s breath away.
“She said we were going to a fancy restaurant, do y’all think this would work”
Someone begins to respond - Leah, maybe?- but Toni instantly tunes out, not wanting to listen to Shelby talk about her date for longer than she has to. She heads towards the front door, picking up her jacket as she goes, hoping to make a quick exit before anyone can question where she’s going, why she’s leaving. Of course that’s not the case.
“Where are you going?” Toni turns around at the sound of Shelby’s confused voice, she’s still just standing in the middle of the room in that red dress that Toni thinks she looks so beautiful in.
“Just out” Toni says, “Going for a walk” She adds on as an after thought, realising her initial excuse was incredibly weak. Not that her second one was any better.
“But its movie night” Shelby replies, and she looks sad and confused, and Toni feels her stomach twist, but then she remembers Tara, remembers that Shelby is wearing that dress to impress Tara and she feels the anger start to rise and she begs herself to not let it show, to not let her anger win out. She grits her teeth before replying. “Well we’re not watching a movie right now are we”
“But Shelby’s telling us about her plans with Tara” Martha interrupts, shooting Toni a warning look.
And really it’s the wrong thing to say, it’s stupid how a little comment manages to raise so much anger in Toni but it does, she responds with an audible scoff. “Well maybe I don’t want to spend my Thursday night listening to Shelby go on about her stupid fucking date with Tara” She mimics the name in a cruel tone and she instantly regrets it, instantly knows that her anger has won out.
The silence in the room is deafening, and Toni sees Shelby’s face fall completely. She’s pretty sure she’s never hated herself more than she does right now because making Shelby Goodkind look like that makes it feel like her heart has been ripped out of her chest.
Shelby mumbles “Excuse me” before hastily making her way to her room. Martha’s glaring at Toni whilst Dot looks like she’s seconds away from yelling at her. In fact the only person in the room who doesn’t look slightly mad at her is Fatin, but even she looks slightly disappointed.
And Toni really does feel awful, she’s moments away from following Shelby to her room, but then her mind is filled with Tara and the dates and she can’t help how her anger comes rising back in an instant. She clenches her jaw and quickly turns and leaves the house, slamming the door behind her.
Toni’s never been great at dealing with her emotions.
+++++
There’s 5 missed calls from Fatin and 2 texts waiting on Toni’s phone, which she’s been ignoring. Both texts saying some variation of how she feels for Toni but she was out of line this time, and Toni’s had the past 2 hours to think about how she’s massively screwed up, she doesn’t need Fatin telling her the same thing.
Her anger had been under control for so long, she was doing so well with it, her therapist telling her how impressed she’s been with her lately. And in the back of her mind she knows the anger is only coming from a place of hurting, a place where her first instinct is to hurt others before they hurt her. She thinks Martha, and all the girls really, probably know this, probably know she’s completely in love with Shelby - she’s not exactly great at hiding it - and the looks they give her sometimes when she’s maybe stared at Shelby for too long, paid Shelby one too many compliments, how unsurprised Fatin had been when she told her; there’s no way they don’t know. But she knows Shelby doesn’t know. And the thought of Shelby thinking she’s just angry at her for no reason, that she doesn’t care about her life, doesn’t care about her, Toni can’t cope with that.
It’s that thought that has her pushing up from the bench she’s been sitting on, and heading home. She makes it back to the house at just gone 11, she stopped off at a shop on the way home to get Shelby some Reese’s pieces - her favourite. The house is deserted, pillows, blankets and unopened popcorn packets are scattered around the living room, Toni’s stomach sinks at the sight of a clearly abandoned movie night.
She sighs before making her way to Shelby’s bedroom, when she knocks on the door there’s no answer so she pushes the door open slightly and the sight that meets her eyes makes her heartbreak for the second time that night.
Shelby’s curled up in a ball on her bed, wrapped in a blanket with puffy red eyes like she’s been crying for hours. Toni feels tears start to form in her own eyes and she wishes more than anything she could go back to a few hours ago and just keep her mouth shut.
“Hey Bee” She whispers as she timidly takes a step into Shelby’s room, quietly closing the door behind her.
She’s met with complete silence.
“I’m so sorry Shelby…. I-I didn’t mean what I said”
“Then why did you say it” Shelby sniffles.
And really, if there’s any moment for Toni to finally admit her feelings, she thinks there’s no better time than right now.
“I don’t know”
But she can’t. She’s still so scared.
Shelby just scoffs, she draws the blanket tighter around her and rolls onto her other side, facing away from Toni “Whatever”
Toni knocks her head against the wall, the sadness that had filled her, feels even more consuming looking at Shelby. She sighs before walking over and placing the Reese’s Pieces on Shelby’s bedside table, she hesitantly raises her hand to squeeze Shelby’s upper arm before turning and walking back to the door.
She casts one last look back at Shelby, who’s now lying on her back glaring at Toni, tears falling from her eyes.
And Shelby’s never been one to hide her emotions from Toni, her eyes always showing exactly what she’s feeling. And the look in her eyes right now makes Toni’s heart shatter.
And suddenly, Toni thinks, the rejection she’ll face is so much better than seeing this look on Shelby’s face. That if she has to choose between her being sad or Shelby being sad, she’d pick herself in a heart beat.
She takes a deep breath, just to steady herself and before she can stop it the words are tumbling out of her. “It’s because I like you”
The silence is stifling, the only sound to be heard is the tick tick tick of Shelby’s alarm clock. She thinks her heart might pound out of her chest as she just stands there and waits. Waits for the awkward look on Shelby’s face, waits for the kind, sympathetic smile she just knows will be sent her way, waits for the rejection.
She hears Shelby take a deep breath even from the other side of the room, and Toni’s frozen in place as she watches her turn and sit up, eyes looking directly at Toni in an unwavering stare. “What?” Shelby whispers so quietly that Toni almost misses it. She swallows thickly and breaks the eye contact; she figures it’ll be easier if she doesn’t have to look at Shelby when she says this. “I like you” and she can hear the nerves in her voice, hear the shaky way it comes out. “I really fucking like you Shelby” And it’s probably the boldest thing she thinks she’s ever said, but she knows she can’t stop there, knows she has to keep being bold. “And I guess I was just jealous when you started dating, I hated seeing you get ready for dates with people that wasn’t me. And then you started going on multiple dates with Tara and I just…..I just hated it. But I shouldn’t have said what I said earlier and I’m so fucking sorry for that Bee”
She stops mid ramble and Shelby’s still just sitting there staring at her and it makes Toni shrink slightly under her gaze, but the nervous energy coursing through her has her rambling even more “But you know just because I….. like you and stuff” She mumbles out “Doesn’t mean anything has to change, it’s just a stupid crush you know, I’ll get over it I promise you. Just….please tell me things don’t have to change Bee” She’s almost pleading by the end and the realisation hits her, it’s not the rejection she was afraid of, it was the fear that Shelby might not want to be friends with her anymore, fear that she might distance herself from Toni in the wake of the revelation. Fear that she might lose Shelby from her life completely.
She’s breathing fast and her hands are shaking, and Shelby’s walking over to her and she thinks this is it, this is when her world will come crashing down. It’s like slow motion, as she watches Shelby advance towards her, her mind running with possibilities all the meanwhile. Will Shelby politely ask her to leave? Will she just kick her out? Would she shout? Would she even say anything to Toni?
It feels like it takes her forever to reach Toni but when she does, it’s far too soon in Toni’s mind. She braces herself, hands curled into fists, her nails digging into her palms to channel her nervous energy somewhere, gaze on the floor.
And then Shelby’s just in front of her not moving. Not saying anything, not doing anything, just staring at her.
And Toni thinks this might be the most anxious she’s ever felt in her life.
But then Shelby’s hands are cupping her face. Her head is being tilted up. Her eyes meet Shelby’s and she briefly registers how Shelby’s getting closer to her before she feels Shelby’s lips on hers. Her eyes close immediately.
She’s unresponsive at first. It’s just Shelby’s soft lips pressed against hers doing all the work as her mind races, tries to work out what’s happening. She has to pull back, has to ask Shelby what’s going on before she starts to get too hopeful.
As she pulls back Shelby’s hands remain on her face, her thumbs stroking Toni’s cheekbones as she stares at her, and Toni notices how her eyes look so full of love.
“What…?” She manages to mumble out. Shelby just smiles at her and leans her forehead against Toni’s. “I like you so much too Toni” She says, her accent thick which Toni knows means she’s nervous. And Toni is having a hard time processing everything, the confusion must be evident on her face because Shelby laughs and mumbles “You’re so cute” right against her lips.
Toni exhales shakily, she hasn’t stopped staring into Shelby’s eyes since they broke apart and she’s finding it extremely difficult to look away. “You like me?” She whispers, needing to just hear it again.
Shelby’s smile lights up her whole face as she places a sweet kiss to Toni’s lips before replying “Very much so. I hoped coming out to y’all would then give me the courage to ask you out….but I kept backing down”
“For real?” Toni replies, her tone laced with disbelief.
Shelby laughs again, and it’s always been Toni’s favourite sound but, she thinks, hearing the sound pressed against her lips makes it infinitely better.
“For real, Toni” Shelby says, copying Toni’s voice. Toni laughs before mumbling a shut up against Shelby’s lips, then kissing her fully. Her hands, which she’s only now realised are still in fists, slide to Shelby’s hips and grip her tightly. Shelby stumbles forward so her entire body is pressed up against Toni’s and her arms move to link behind her neck.
The kiss is soft, careful, Toni is trembling as her stomach fills with butterflies; she’s thought about this moment since she met Shelby 2 years ago, has had dreams about this, has imagined what it would be like to pull Shelby into her and just kiss her. And nothing, absolutely nothing, could’ve prepared her for the real thing.
Toni feels herself get lost in the kiss before the events of the night has her pulling away slightly. Shelby follows her lips, her eyes closed as she tried to continue kissing Toni; and god, Toni’s so in love.
“Everything okay?” Shelby exhales once she’s realised what’s happening.
“Yeah…I was just….wondering….” She trails off, unable to find the words she needs or the confidence to say them. But it doesn’t matter, because Shelby’s there and Shelby makes everything better.
“It’s okay” She says through a smile, pecking Toni’s lips “Take your time” She’s stroking at the nape of Toni’s neck, playing with the baby hairs she finds there and it’s so soothing but so distracting. She takes a deep breath, just to focus herself before saying “Just, what does this mean now….for us? And uh Tara” She stutters the last part out.
“It means” Shelby leads “That I want to give this a try. Lord, I’ve liked you for so long Toni. I want this, I want us to work” She lightly kisses Toni on the lips between sentences “As for Tara, well it was only a few dates anyway and I wasn’t even that interested. I just went out with her to try and stop thinking about you” She ducks her head down and breaks eye contact with Toni as her cheeks turn a light red colour.
Toni’s heart has felt a lot of different things over the course of the night, but right now she thinks it might burst with happiness. She takes a minute to digest everything that’s just happened, and the 2 years of pain have been so worth it just for this moment. She knows she looks lame, standing there gawking at Shelby but really, who can blame her?
“Are you…going to say something?” Shelby says, breaking the short silence, an amused smile painted on her lips.
Toni clears her throat and tries to control the smile taking over her face before asking “Will you go on a date with me?” She thinks she hears Shelby say yes at the same time she crashes her lips onto Toni’s. It’s a messy kiss, teeth knocking together as they both, unsuccessfully, try to suppress smiles. In the end Shelby has to pull away because she’s smiling too much, her laugh bubbling out of her. Toni just pulls her closer, arms wrapping around her waist, and peppers kisses all over Shelby’s face, walking her back towards her bed as she feels Shelby’s arms tighten around her neck.
They fall onto the bed in a heap, laughing into each other as they trade kisses back and fourth.
And Toni thinks she might be in heaven.
No, Toni knows she’s in heaven.
Because she likes Shelby Goodkind, and Shelby Goodkind likes her back.