Archive of Our Own

They're different to the others.

It's not something they would ever let get in between them, and it doesn't mean they love the others any less. It's just the natural conclusion of being together, fully formed under another title, and having the team build up around them. When they debut as Stray Kids, 3RACHA continues to exist, whether it's the name they use for their production team or the name of the Kakao chat the three of them have with each other.

Chan is the leader and with two other hyungs in the group people might think they would be his back up, but on late nights when it's too hard to stay awake or to fall asleep it's these two dongsaengs Chan can rely on in their little group within a group.

There are things they only share with each other - or, at least, Chan thinks so. There are things he can say to Jisung and Changbin that he can't even think around anybody else.

For all of this, they're still teenagers. Chan is barely an adult when they debut, and Jisung's voice cracks often enough that teasing him gets old. They sit in the studio together night by night, and they've outgrown awkward silences by now so this is comfortable even as it's laced with tension; heavy and empty, like they are each waiting for the others to acknowledge something that no one ever dares.

One day in the gym, Jisung gets too close to Chan and Chan doesn't move away. There's a sparkle in Jisung's eye that Chan knows means trouble, and yet he ignores what his brain is telling him and lets Jisung lead him by the sweaty palm into the locker room, blessedly empty.

And so now, sometimes, just sometimes, Jisung will press in close like that again, and he'll touch himself frantic and jittery and Chan will let him. Chan has to let him, because if he put a stop to it Jisung might listen and then Chan would lose this for good. Chan has to let him, because Chan wants it just as much and isn't brave enough to make it happen himself.

It's such a silly thing to do as rookies. Any small slip up could end them, and this is a lot more than that.

"Jisung," Chan gasps out, feeling the door handle dig into the small of his back. His lips are wet with Jisung's saliva, because kissing is something they do now and Jisung likes it too much to be careful.

Jisung turned eighteen a week ago, and Chan hasn't seen him like this for two so it feels long overdue. The last time they did anything was in Jisung's bunk in the dorm, Jisung grinding against Chan and making them both come in their jeans.

"What, hyung?" Jisung asks.

He doesn't stop looking at Chan's mouth, and Chan knows he's trying his hardest to let Chan speak before he goes back to kissing him again. Jisung is polite like that no matter how impatient.

"We can't do this here, in the practice room," Chan says, trying to sound chastising and missing the mark. Really, he thinks it's hot being here where they've spent so many hours, with the floor to ceiling mirrors and the door that locks and the fear of being caught that turns him on even though it shouldn't.

But he doesn't have a change of pants with him, and he doesn't want to walk back to the dorm like that, and if he lets Jisung do what he usually does he knows how it will end.

Chan has never touched Jisung, is the thing. Jisung tucks himself up against Chan's body and touches himself, or rubs them together until they both lose it, and Chan pets his hair or rests hands on his shoulders and nothing more.

He's a creep for waiting until Jisung turned eighteen, barely less of a creep than he would have been for doing this while Jisung was underage.

"Let me, just-" Chan says, wriggling out of Jisung's hold to turn and make sure the door really is locked and when he turns back around he reaches out to take a hold of Jisung's hips, fingers running along the strings of his sweatpants.

They'd been dancing for hours before this. Jisung is a sweaty mess and Chan is no better.

Chan undoes the messy knot and loosens the strings and Jisung's eyes fall closed when Chan reaches into his boxers (stolen from Changbin, Chan can tell) and strokes his cock for the first time.

Jisung is always so quiet, like this with Chan, compared to how he is normally. Chan doesn't know if it's because they're always in a place they shouldn't be, or if Jisung is shy, or if it's just how he is. It's so sweet to him, whatever the reason, the way Jisung tucks his face into Chan's neck and moans shakily.

"Sungie," Chan says. It's all he ever says when they do this, really. He can't say more or it would be too much, because he wants to tell Jisung how good he sounds and feels and is.

Chan is used to the feeling of Jisung's cock rutting against his thigh, and now he's going to get used to it in his hand. He twists his wrist and rubs his thumb over the head and hides a smile at the way precome leaks and leaks all over his fingers. He wants to get used to it in his mouth, he thinks for one daring second, and he isn't going to be the one to ask for that but when Jisung decides to take it Chan will let him.

"Hyung, oh," Jisung sighs out, his lips against Chan's neck. He tilts his head down, dragging his tongue over Chan's collarbone and then rubbing his face against the sweat-damp fabric of Chan's t-shirt. "Hyung, I want to come."

He's never announced it like that before. Four times now that Jisung has sought Chan out for something they both know they aren't allowed, and this is the first time he's said that. He didn't ask for permission but Chan wants to give it to him.

Instead, Chan speeds up his hand and pulls Jisung's face away from where he had hidden it, pressed against Chan's chest and armpit, so that he can kiss him again. Jisung moans, and it isn't louder than usual but Chan feels it against his lips and swallows it down and revels in it, and he comes all over Chan's hand seconds later.

Jisung breathes heavily for a few moments, then starts, "Channie hyung, can I..."

They both look down at the same time, at the bulge in Chan's pants that he couldn't even hope to hide. His shirt is too short, and Jisung knows anyway.

"I don't think so, Jisungie," Chan says. Enough firsts for one afternoon: Chan has to try and keep control of this, somehow, even if the only way he can is by denying himself and watching Jisung frown.

Chan's control lasts for all of two months, fraying every time he and Jisung are the only ones left in a room together.

They film a dance practice video, take after take until they're red-faced and crowding around handheld fans and letting make-up noonas pat their faces dry. When they get changed afterwards, Chan loses his shirt. He pulls it off and in the time it takes him to yank his spare over his head, it's gone from where he swore he had just dropped it. He doesn't bother asking the kids about it, figuring it will surface like every other item of misplaced clothing does in their mixed-up laundry.

And it does, but not where Chan expects: Jisung comes to meet him in the studio, only the two of them rather than 3RACHA, and he's wearing the shirt.

Chan says, "that's the shirt I lost."

Jisung doesn't meet his eye, but he says, "yeah."

They have an ongoing gag about Jisung being messy and dirty, and Jisung always, always tries his hardest to deny it. He insists that he showers daily, if not twice in a day. Changbin still won't let Jisung put his feet on his bed despite this. Chan bites his lip, and asks Jisung, "did you wash it?"

He half-expects Jisung to laugh the way he always does and whine at him about it but Jisung is full of surprises today, and he's murmuring but audible when he replies, "no."

Four years later Chan won't remember what colour Jisung's hair was at debut: he will never forget the way it feels when Jisung touches him for the first time. Soft, dry hand, Jisung's weight on his thighs as he undoes Chan's jeans and pulls them down just enough, and Chan has to look up at Jisung to meet his eye.

"Ah," Chan fails to stifle a groan at the feeling. Jisung moves slow but steady, taking a hold of Chan's cock and stroking him until he's hard and then some. Chan knows he hasn't done this before - he doesn't need to ask to know that, and he won't embarrass Jisung by saying so - and it makes him feel, once again, every bit the creep he is.

Neither of them speaks until Chan is gripping the armrests of his chair, fighting to let Jisung take his time and to not buck up into his fist, and Jisung says, "you aren't going to ask why I didn't wash it?"

Chan has barely looked away from his face so he can see the flush high on Jisung's cheeks, and had watched him open and close his mouth for a few long seconds trying to work up the courage to speak.

"Do you want me to?" Chan says. This isn't about what he wants, after all.

It seems that that is answer enough for Jisung, and he blurts out, "I like how you smell, Channie hyung."

Chan doesn't have an answer for that. He supposes it makes sense, really. They've lived together long enough, used the same laundry detergent and grabbed things from each other's closets regularly. Chan doesn't see much of a separation between his own clothes and the members' at this point. And Chan thinks of how when he goes back to Australia and walks into his family home he finds the smell to be the first thing he notices and the most comforting thing of all.

He's thought of Stray Kids as his family for a long while now, his home away from home, so it's not crazy to wonder if maybe Jisung feels the same.

Chan thinks all of this in the seconds between Jisung's last statement and next, which makes him realise he was way off the mark.

"You smell really good," Jisung near whispers, Chan glancing down momentarily to see that Jisung is hard in the shorts he's wearing and rocking his hips forward into the air between them. "I- Your sweat-"

Jisung cuts himself off, blushing furiously.

It's not unprecedented, really, when Chan takes a moment to process. Jisung has always been tactile, and when they do this he's always pressed up against Chan like he needs it. Before now, before they started kissing, the very first time Jisung had his face pressed against Chan's neck and they were still in the locker room and neither of them had showered after their workout. Chan had always thought it was desperation that had Jisung telling him to shower later, do it later, come with me now - he had never thought it might be because Jisung wanted him like that more.

Chan's shirt is rucked up just above his belly, pushed there when Jisung had got a hand on him and Chan still had the presence of mind to get it out of the way before he could come on it and make the trip home very awkward. Jisung watches him, still touching him, as Chan reaches down to pull it up and off and drop it on the floor somewhere behind them. It's usually cool in the studio but with Jisung in his lap like this Chan has been sweating a little, and he had planned on washing when he got back to the dorm so he hasn't yet today.

Even in the wake of Jisung admitting that, Chan feels like a fool when he lifts his arm up above his head and takes a hold of the headrest of his chair. Armpit out in the open, shaved hair growing back in dark because it's winter and he hates the upkeep unless he really has to do it.

Wide-eyed, Jisung stares at Chan. His fingers come up to the head of Chan's cock, mindless and barely-there touches pressing it into the skin of Chan's abs, and Chan wants to come less than he wants to know what Jisung is going to do next.

One of his hands comes up and splays across Chan's chest, and Jisung uses it to hold himself steady as he leans in and in and noses tentatively along the skin that connects Chan's arm to his torso. The touch makes Chan shiver.

Before Chan can say something, something reassuring to tell Jisung it's okay and that he can have whatever he wants and that Chan doesn't mind, Jisung opens his mouth and licks him there. Flat wide tongue, wet like Jisung really wanted this, and it dips into Chan's armpit enough to make him grimace and Jisung moan.

He isn't touching Chan's dick anymore, letting go in favour of wrapping his fingers around Chan's bicep and holding him in position as he licks him again. Chan can feel the bumps on his tongue, can feel the spit and sweat cooling in the air, can feel the vibrations of Jisung's obscene fucking moans rattle through his ribcage.

When Jisung kisses him there, lips and tongue sucking like he wants to leave a mark, Chan uses his free hand to yank Jisung's shorts and underwear down and tug him forward in his lap. His hands aren't big but he manages to get a solid enough hold of his and Jisung's cocks and jack them off tight together. Chan usually likes a little lube when he gets off but Jisung gets so wet, dripping strings of precome all over himself, that the slide is smooth without.

They moan at the same time, and Jisung doesn't pull away from Chan's armpit despite it making Chan shudder and huff out a laugh at how ticklish it all feels.

This, at least, is the usual ending. Jisung comes first, making a mess of Chan's hand and belly and erection, and he cries out quietly and rides it out with erratic jerks of his hips into Chan's solid grip.

Usually what comes next is that Chan either comes in his own boxers like a teenager, or tells Jisung it's fine and walks away and deals with it himself with a fist in his mouth. With Jisung in his lap he can't run away, though, and if he's being honest he doesn't want to, has never wanted to.

Jisung lets go of Chan's arm and takes a hold of Chan's cock over Chan's hand, fingers interlaced, Chan's dirty hand below Jisung's clean one. The visual is almost enough for Chan, and sure enough it only takes a few joint strokes for him to gasp and add to the mess.

Chan doesn't feel guilty for keeping this a secret from the team. He would have had he not known everyone had their own secrets, and while he's their leader he can't expect everyone to come to him all the time. As leader, he trusts his kids.

He only feels guilty about this particular secret when it comes to one particular member. This is the part that makes it weird, that makes it all tangled up and confusing in Chan's head: what he and Changbin have done behind closed doors. Not often. Not for a while, now, for maybe a month. But it has happened, and Chan has no excuses for it.

The way it starts is Chan's fault. They've shared a dorm for so long, shared a bathroom for so long, and Chan can't help but be so irresistibly drawn to Changbin even at the worst of times. Changbin had gone into the bathroom first, and they tend to try and respect each other's space but with nine boys it doesn't always work that way, so it's normal that Chan doesn't even knock before shuffling in and saying, "gonna brush my teeth, Bin."

Changbin grunts and nods, standing facing the toilet and Chan can't even see his face but he knows he's washed off the day's makeup and that his hair is clean and soft, and he doesn't consider for a second that it might be strange to drop his toothbrush back into the pot and sidle over until he's behind Changbin and can wrap his arms around Changbin's middle and nuzzle into the side of his head, like he always does.

He likes to do this to Changbin, specifically, loves the way Changbin complains and pulls faces but still lets Chan hold onto him and rub their foreheads together. Even after this occasion Chan will keep doing it, on camera and off, never mind how this next five minutes make it feel forever different.

Under Chan's hands, Changbin startles. Chan feels the way his body tenses. Chan watches his hand jerk, where he had been holding his cock while he pissed into the toilet bowl, and though the movement is minute the stream falters and Changbin's piss splashes on the seat of the toilet. Chan feels a rush of heat that settles in his groin and his sleep pants have never been any good at hiding anything; he pulls back as fast as he can, no idea if Changbin says something or not, and goes to bed without brushing his teeth.

Maybe Changbin is more perceptive than Chan gives him credit for. Maybe he noticed that time, or maybe he notices that Chan never locks the bathroom door whether he's washing his face or showering or pissing.

The year ends badly. One member down, and Chan doesn't want to feel like it's his fault but he does. He doesn't want to talk about it. He wants to move on and forget and not have to deal with this mess. If he was busy before, it's nothing compared to now. They still have to be a group, and promote and release and tour, and remake all of their old songs for eight and rerecord new parts and hold it all together in the public eye.

He's back to sleeping about as much as he did during the survival show. Jisung and Changbin watch him worriedly whenever they're working together, but nothing they say can get through to him.

In Tokyo, before the end of the year, they play rock-paper-scissors to choose the hotel room arrangements and Chan and Changbin both throw out rock. Chan smiles at Changbin across the circle they've formed in the lobby, and Changbin smiles back at him. He isn't thinking about much more than that Changbin is a good roommate, familiar and easy to get along with, and that once they shepherd the kids into their own rooms Chan will do his very best to get a few hours of sleep because Changbin will definitely not let him get his laptop out.

Chan scrubs his face with cleanser, feeling the gritty powder and mascara under his fingers, and pats it dry with a towel before moisturising. He takes a second to look at his bare face in the mirror, pokes at one cheek and sighs, and as he turns away and lifts the toilet lid Changbin walks in. The door had been left open.

"Hi, hyung," Changbin says.

He can't act weird: Chan pulls his boxers down and gets his dick out and doesn't look at Changbin, tries to pretend he isn't there even while this feels strangely like Chan needs to put on a performance for him. His feet are awkwardly placed and he spreads his legs a millimetre more.

"Hi, Binnie," Chan answers, staring into the bowl and totally unable to go.

"It's just me," Changbin says, and it feels nonsensical until he takes the two steps that bring him right up behind Chan and presses his chest to Chan's back and one of his hands comes up to rest on Chan's stomach, right above his bladder, and the other hand strays lower.

Chan relaxes into Changbin's body at the same time as his breath comes faster and his hold on himself tightens enough to hurt.

He has no idea what's going on. Post-show adrenaline is still buzzing through his limbs, and Changbin is so warm. Changbin nudges his nose against Chan's jaw and then kisses him there, and Chan shivers and a whine escapes his throat thinking about the way Jisung had done the same thing to him the last time they had been together.

The hand on Chan's stomach presses down minutely, and Chan exhales sharply when he can't help but let go and the first trickle hits the water. He feels like he's burning up and Changbin doesn't move, steady and still and holding Chan up so that he doesn't have to think about anything else.

He pisses for a solid half minute, and the sound of it fills the small bathroom and makes blood rush to his face. It's humiliating at the same time as it's a relief.

Changbin only removes the pressure on his bladder when there's been silence for a good ten seconds, sure that Chan has nothing more to give, and Chan takes a breath in that gets cut off abruptly when, instead of pulling away, Changbin knocks Chan's hand off his cock and replaces it with his own.

"What are you- What are you doing?" Chan asks, though it's evident: as soon as Changbin had entered the room Chan had felt himself stiffen up, and the half-chub had only added to how difficult it had been to pee. He had thought they would both ignore it, that Changbin wouldn't say anything - and Chan supposes he hadn't said anything, still hasn't, even as he starts to jack Chan off slowly.

Only when Chan is hard enough that it aches and he can't help but twist in Changbin's arms, Changbin says, the same as earlier, "it's just me, hyung."

Chan wants to tell him there's no just about it, but he's lost in his head and can't get his mouth to form the words.

Changbin touches Chan at the same pace, with his hands that are the same size as Chan's but feel so different, until Chan groans and starts to come and Changbin angles it so that he doesn't make any mess. Chan catches a glimpse of the toilet, full of his piss and jizz and it's insane and he feels insane and Changbin reaches out to flush it all away.

He thinks this is going to be a one-off; he thinks Changbin is going to do what he used to do with Jisung, and leave before Chan can touch him back. Chan pushes his luck anyway, though, spinning around and dropping to his knees. He pulls down the basketball shorts Changbin is wearing, and he has no underwear on underneath so Chan doesn't waste any more time and leans forward and sucks Changbin into his mouth.

Chan has done this to Jisung before, more times than he can remember but not so many as to make him confident. Changbin isn't the same, anyway, different size and weight and taste and his dirty hand hovers in the air above Chan's shoulder because he's sweet while the other rests heavy on the back of Chan's head because he isn't that sweet.

So Chan blows Changbin on a Tokyo hotel bathroom floor, and brushes his teeth afterwards, and they leave one bed unused and sleep together under one duvet.

The first time Chan gets Jisung off after this, he wants to tell him. He doesn't, because he's scared it will make this end or that he would have to choose between them and as much as he tries his hardest to be a good leader he's a selfish man. He apologises to Jisung in his head, kisses him softly, and one week later Changbin gets in the shower with Chan and Chan apologises to Changbin in his head, too.

They talk about it, at least, more than Jisung and Chan ever have. Changbin makes Chan sit down on the couch in the studio with him, pats him on the thigh and says, "I want to keep doing it, Channie hyung."

Chan had picked up on that - he's not so stupid as to not given the way Changbin keeps touching him and and nudging the brims of their baseball caps together and kissing him on the shoulder through his clothes whenever no one is looking.

"Me, too," he says, keeping it simple.

How bad of a person does it make Chan if he's relieved Changbin says nothing about being exclusive?

*

It's always been inevitable that there would be conflicts. Eight people, now, and every one of them has their own shit to deal with. Eight people, and Changbin is one of them, and he thinks he's in love with two of them, and over time it just becomes something he deals with. He grows accustomed to it even though he used to think he never could.

He's observant and he watches and listens and he cares, so the things he sees get filed away in his mind. Changbin knows Minho's coffee order and Jeongin's waist size and the PIN number for Seungmin's credit card. Changbin knows his place in this group and what he can offer them and when to push and when to back off. Changbin kind of knows that there is something going on between Chan and Jisung and that it's been going on for a while and, within that uncertainty, he knows that he doesn't mind.

One thing Changbin has always done is try and fail at keeping his distance from Jisung. It's an impossible task but he tries, and he makes it awkward and weird and he knows Jisung must wonder what he ever did wrong. They're still friends, of course, and if Changbin has his way they always will be. He comes up with excuses on camera, saying Jisung is like a hyung to him (what could be further from the truth?) and dodging his hugs and giving all of his affection to the other dongsaengs.

He fails because he wants Jisung too much to really stay away. When Stray Kids get their first win, Changbin lets Jisung cling to him for as long as he wants and he gets butterflies afterwards when Jisung, on live, tells the fans that the hug made him so happy. Changbin admits that usually he wouldn't have hugged Jisung so tightly, and wonders what that says about him.

He starts trying to keep this distance more so when he and Chan begin this... Whatever it is. This thing with no name that they indulge in when they're the only ones around, whether it's for minutes or hours. It makes it so much worse to look at Jisung the way he knows he does when he's pretty sure he's looking at Chan the same way.

Jisung is the type to bring up his worries in a joking way. He'll say Changbin doesn't hug him on 2 Kids Room so that he can turn it into a punchline; he'll laugh when he speaks and put on a silly accent so that no one can see the vulnerability beneath.

Nine months after Changbin touches Chan in a bathroom in a hotel room, he gets asked to talk about what Jisung is to him. He's spent what feels like the entire time on edge, around both Chan and Jisung, waiting for the penny to drop. Waiting for them to realise what they could have with each other, or for Chan to decide he's better off without Changbin, or for Jisung to find out what they do and for it to break his heart that Chan would do that to him. Changbin likes to make fun of Chan for his inability to choose between rock and paper, but he won't make a choice here.

Changbin admits a lot of things he's never said aloud, drives himself to the point of tears in front of a full camera crew, and when Jisung confronts him after the shoot he says, "ah, hyung, I didn't know you felt that way about me!"

Loud voice, laughing after the last word: Changbin wants to know why his sentimentality makes Jisung want to hide.

3RACHA still work together as well as they always have. Maybe they're all as good as each other at keeping secrets, because Changbin thinks he knows all of what's going on but they're still seamless. It doesn't matter how much he wants from Jisung when they're on the brink of a song that makes them all jitter with excitement. It doesn't matter what Chan and Jisung aren't saying to each other, because in the studio Chan is still going to be the best leader and Jisung is always going to listen to him and follow his lead with Changbin at his side.

Two years to the day from their first music show win, Chan invites Jisung and Changbin on Chan's Room for the 100th episode. It's a tricky two hours: Jisung getting too close, and then Chan getting too close, and their stupid matching pants and shirts. Chan and Jisung getting too close to each other and Changbin watching, feeling like a voyeur for wondering what they're like together when they're truly alone.

Jisung laughs so hard at Changbin that he makes his own stomach hurt, and has to sit on the couch clutching it and whining. And Changbin thinks he's so cute even when he's being so annoying, and sits on the opposite side of the couch so that Chan will take up the space between them.

The worst thing about these pants they've chosen is that they're tight enough to not leave much to the imagination. Changbin can't look at Jisung when he's only a foot away, whimpering and complaining with tears in his eyes, not only because he's cute but because Changbin is a bad hyung with secrets of his own and something about Jisung crying causes the most indecent reaction. The irony of him having this realisation for the first time exactly two years ago isn't lost on Changbin.

When the live finally ends, Jisung bows out pretty quickly to head back to the dorm. Chan stays seated so Changbin does, too. They'd shared enough fleeting touches that Changbin is aching for more, his skin itching with anticipation. He assumes Chan is the same, except he's clicking around on his computer and not saying anything.

Changbin gives him ten minutes. When Chan still hasn't initiated anything, Changbin figures he really is busy so he stands and says, "I need to go to the bathroom. I drank too much. I'm going home after, hyung, okay?"

He doesn't mean anything more by it, but maybe he should have worked out where Chan would take it. Much as they talked about what they do together and how it could affect the group and how it will never stop them from being friends, they never spoke about the catalyst. Since the one time in Tokyo, they've never done anything exactly like that again.

So Changbin is caught off-guard but shouldn't be when Chan answers him by saying, "can I come, too? To the bathroom, I mean."

Their shoes squeak on the floor of the corridors and the silence isn't awkward because it never is, but Changbin is more hesitant than he usually would be to break it. The mens' bathrooms in the JYP building have stalls and urinals both: Changbin starts to head for a stall so that they can lock it behind them, but Chan says, "no one is here this late."

It's true but it's still risky. It's risky but Changbin stands in front of a urinal and Chan leans against the wall beside him, facing him, and watches Changbin wriggle his pants down to his thighs and pee for the first time in what must be three hours.

Chan doesn't even give Changbin a chance to shake when he's done, surging forwards with insistent hands to push Changbin up against the unlocked door and kneeling down on the dirty floor in his bright pants. He had done this to Changbin the first time, and has done it again more than once since. He told Changbin what he likes about it, in his room in the dark one time when Felix was sleeping somewhere else, about how it makes his lips sore and his jaw ache and how it feels wrong to close his mouth afterwards. He told Changbin that Changbin is small, and Changbin had taken offence until Chan said he liked that, too, and liked how it meant he could fit his whole mouth around him without gagging.

The difference in this scenario is that Changbin just peed, and Chan leans forward and swipes his tongue over the head of Changbin's cock where he knows there were still some droplets of piss, and before Changbin can apologise Chan is moaning and sinking his head down until he can't go any further.

"Hyung, are you crazy?" Changbin asks, voice pitching up. He could pull Chan off him by the hair but he doesn't, because it feels too good and because Chan's eyes are closed in bliss.

Chan doesn't respond, too busy with his mouth otherwise. Both of his hands rest on Changbin's thighs so Changbin knows he isn't touching himself: every sound of pleasure he makes comes solely from him getting to use his mouth, from Changbin getting his mouth dirty.

Changbin had never even considered this before Chan - before Chan had cuddled up to him in the bathroom that first time, and then Changbin had done the same to him back - but ever since he's thought about it often. Too often, perhaps. He's thought about it enough that he wondered how to bring it up to Chan without making him uncomfortable. Changbin is glad Chan is the one to take that step, to be the first to initiate it again.

He remembers the sight in Tokyo of the toilet, Chan coming barely minutes after he emptied his bladder, and thinking about Chan licking up his piss before swallowing down his come has Changbin's hips thrusting up and up into Chan's mouth until he whites out, and blinks his eyes open to see Chan licking his lips on the floor with a wet patch spreading across the crotch of his stupid purple pants.

The floor is grimy but Changbin kneels to join Chan, and kisses him despite where his mouth has just been.

So Changbin has his reasons for avoiding Jisung. He loves Chan, and he thinks maybe Chan loves Jisung and Jisung loves Chan back, and Changbin sleeps in Chan's bed when he can't sleep, and, when they got their first win and he hugged Jisung, Changbin had had to angle his crotch away from Jisung's hips while he clung to him because the sight of Jisung's scrunched up face and wet eyes was something Changbin found sexy.

He's never actually made Jisung cry, or at least not intentionally. Jisung gets to the studio late one night, twenty minutes after he said he'd be there and Changbin isn't even mad but Jisung bursts into tears when he apologises.

"Ah, what's wrong?" Changbin flusters, patting Jisung on the back and not daring to hug him. He strokes one hand through Jisung's hair, just once, and teases, "crybaby."

Jisung wipes his face, says indignantly that, "no, I'm not!" and they argue back and forth until his cheeks are dry and then get to work on the song they've been making together.

Changbin knows Chan would have dealt with that better than he did. He feels bad thinking about Chan when it's just him and Jisung, though.

When they move into the new dorms Changbin both loves and hates it. He feels more like an adult with his own room, and yet has no idea how to decorate it and make it feel like home. The others feel the same, given how much time they all spend visiting each other, so he knows he at least isn't alone in this feeling.

Changbin sleeps in Chan's bed, and now that there's no other presence in the room to stay quiet for he can duck below the covers when he wakes up before Chan and give him a blowjob that makes him cry out in his sleep.

He loiters in Jisung and Hyunjin's rooms when he's bored, and skips down to the other dorm to bug Minho into cooking for him.

Jisung comes to Changbin's room sometimes, usually at night when everyone else is asleep already and Changbin is lying awake pondering whether or not he should slip away to see Chan. Changbin's idea of avoiding Jisung doesn't actually involve not being around him - he avoids Jisung by holding his feelings inside and trying his hardest not to show them, no matter how much of Jisung he sees a day - so Changbin always welcomes him in and pats the bed and lets Jisung pick what show he wants to watch.

They talk, not about anything that deep, but it's nice. Changbin likes lying on his bed with Jisung beside him, listening to Jisung's sleep-heavy voice explaining that, "sorry, hyung. I like working out with you, but I also kind of hate it-" or telling Changbin about the plot of the anime he wants them to watch together next.

Three quiet knocks on the door, just past midnight, and Jisung pokes his head in.

Changbin nods and Jisung slides in and closes the door behind himself, and as soon as he sits down he starts to cry.

"Oh, no. Are you okay?" Changbin says, wide-eyed, scrambling for something he can use as a tissue. He has nothing and, in his desperation, pulls the sleeve of his hoodie over his hand and uses it to dab at Jisung cheeks.

"I'm fine," Jisung says even as he continues crying. He hiccups a little, which is horribly cute, and laughs at Changbin trying to wipe the tears away. "I'm fine, hyung, I don't know."

"No, you're not," Changbin whispers, not wanting to call Jisung a liar but he has to be like this for a reason.

Jisung is crying silently and it makes Changbin's chest ache. He pulls Jisung onto the bed a little more so that he isn't at risk of falling off, and Jisung curls up inside the arm around him and rests his head on Changbin's shoulder. His knees hook over the top of Changbin's crossed leg. His breath is stutter-y and interrupted.

"Honey, come on," Changbin tries. "Did something happen?"

Shaking his head, Jisung stays close to Changbin and says, "no. Nothing happened. I just- I guess I'm lonely, kind of. It's stupid."

Jisung has lived in a dorm since he was fourteen years old. Before that, he had his older brother. Changbin isn't surprised, but he wishes he had realised sooner.

"It's not stupid," Changbin says. "Why do you think I come to see you guys all the time?"

Jisung shrugs.

"It's not stupid," Changbin insists at the lack of response.

Sniffling, Jisung says, "I feel like a baby."

Changbin has a lot of responses to that (you are a baby, it's fine, it's cute, no one in the world could blame you for feeling alone when you are), but says none of them. It's past midnight, and he lets his own insecurity get to him when he says instead, "I thought you would go see Chan hyung for this."

He feels Jisung shift and looks down to see Jisung looking up at him, teary red eyes and sniffly, and Jisung tells him, "no, hyung. I just wanted to see you."

Changbin breaks. Changbin kisses him.

Changbin kisses Jisung, and Jisung moans and kisses him back. Jisung wriggles out from under Changbin's arm so that he can push Changbin back until he's lying flat on the bed, and crawls on top of him and kisses him again and again and again.

Every time their mouths separate is loud in the quiet room, and Changbin can taste that Jisung has been crying. Changbin wants to pull back and apologise and make this right, but Jisung speaks first.

"Touch me," he says, not a question but a demand. Jisung grabs Changbin's hands and pulls them down to his ass, and Changbin doesn’t fight it. "I want you to touch me."

Jisung is good at projecting fake confidence, and Changbin can hear it in his voice right now. He's still red in the face, blotchy and tear-streaked, and he looks at Changbin like he's waiting for him to get mad. Changbin supposes he has spent the last five or more years rejecting Jisung's hugs and kisses and skinship - even if he gives back what he can, what he thinks he can allow himself, it's not been enough.

Changbin nods jerkily. "Yeah," he says.

"Properly," Jisung insists, still with that look of not-quite-fear.

He was wrong to think that this would all become right if he ignored it. Changbin can't say no to Jisung, and he doesn't want to, so he nods again and surges up against Jisung so that he loses his balance and tips over onto his back on the mattress.

"I want to," Changbin says firmly, heart pounding.

He dips down to kiss Jisung again, salt on his lips. Jisung sighs against his mouth, quiet and sweet. Changbin wants so badly to take his time but before he knows it he's pulling Jisung's tank top off and Jisung is shucking his shorts and lying on Changbin's messily made bed in only his boxer-briefs and Changbin doesn't have that much restraint.

Changbin touches Jisung, properly, squeezing him through his underwear and then getting a hand past the waistband to see if he can make Jisung cry again. He sucks a bruise into the skin of Jisung's ribcage, innocuously placed enough that it could be excused as a bump; Changbin pictures Chan finding it and working out the real cause.

For all that Jisung says he doesn't cry much, fresh tears brim in his eyes when Changbin won't speed up the movement of his fist and they spill over when Changbin pulls his hand away without warning.

"Changbin, don't," Jisung complains.

Changbin raises his eyebrows at Jisung for the informality, and Jisung laugh-sobs and says, "Changbinnie hyung, don't stop."

"Okay, honey," Changbin says, smiling, stupid-fond of Jisung even when he's being a brat, even when he's wriggling beneath Changbin to get his briefs kicked down and off.

Naked Jisung is a sight to see. Changbin traces his body with his eyes, burning with the way Jisung looks in his bed like this. He wants to touch him head to toe and he knows he shouldn't, so he settles for getting his hand around Jisung's cock again and rubbing his thumb over the spot on his shaft that he knows now will make Jisung shake.

"More?" Jisung asks, ambiguous until he shifts to pull his leg up and brace his foot on the mattress so that his right knee is bent and Changbin can see his balls and his ass and his hole.

Changbin doesn't hesitate to get the lube from the drawer beside his bed, plain and water-based and half-full, and he wets his fingers and makes Jisung jump when he brings them to his rim while the lube is still cold.

Jisung is still crying, though, and while it makes Changbin's cock twitch it also makes his rational mind swim with concern and he has to pause and say, "Sungie, Jisung, are you good? Are you sure you want to do this?"

Are you sure you want to do this with me, Changbin doesn't say.

Jisung nods with his head against the pillow, messing up his hair, and even as a tear trails down his cheek and rests in the corner of his mouth he says, "yes, hyung, please. I promise, I'm fine."

That's enough for Changbin.

"I want you," Jisung says next, and that's too much.

Changbin presses his fingers against Jisung's hole until they sink in, one and then two and a third when Jisung cries too loud for it and Changbin needs to shut him up.

"'S good, 's good," Jisung mumbles, eyes falling shut, back arching, getting fucked by Changbin in the middle of the night like that's okay.

He says things that make Changbin's hands shake, dirty and not exactly practiced but the words don't sound foreign in his voice. Changbin can't help himself, tensing his arm and fucking Jisung harder and wanting to ask if this is how Chan fucks him.

At some point Jisung hooks a hand below his own knee, then pulls his other leg up until he's fully exposed, holding himself open for Changbin. Changbin has never seen anything hotter.

"You- Touch yourself," Changbin instructs Jisung when he starts squirming so much that Changbin has to press him down with his spare hand on the back of Jisung's thigh so that he can keep driving his fingers into him in the way that makes Jisung's cock drip and jerk, red and neglected lying on his belly.

Jisung does as he's told - if only it were that easy every day - and he moans and whines and gets come all over himself.

Changbin gentles him through it, rubbing his thumb against Jisung's taint and biting his lip when it forces another dribble of come onto Jisung's already-sullied abs and another desperate whine from his mouth.

It's over too soon and Changbin doesn't know what he does from here: he's not going to kick Jisung out, but he has nowhere to run to.

"Hyung," Jisung says. He sniffs again, his face doubly swollen now. "Don't make me cry and then leave."

Around a laugh, Changbin says, "I wasn't going to. And I didn't make you cry."

Both lies.

Jisung pouts up at Changbin, swipes roughly at his own face with his fist, and doesn't bother to call Changbin out on it.

Instead of sleeping in Chan's bed, Changbin pads as quietly as possible to the bathroom with Jisung on his heels and they clean his belly off and wipe the insides of his thighs with a wet flannel, whispering and laughing and shushing each other, and when Changbin returns to his own room Jisung follows.

Jisung curls up with Changbin under his blankets like this is something they've done before. Before he falls asleep, he turns to Changbin and says, "I owe you one."

*

Jisung stares wide-eyed into the bathroom at the scene before him.

Similar to the old dorm, the shower has a glass door rather than a curtain. It makes it impossible for anyone to hide if they have forgotten to lock the door, which Jisung has to assume is what has happened here.

Chan is on his knees. Changbin is standing above him, with his back against the tiled wall. He had one hand on the back of Chan's head, and Jisung had watched it fall away when he opened the door and Chan turned to see him walk in. Now, it hovers in the air. Jisung is familiar with the way Changbin's hand feels in his own hair.

Finding his two hyungs, both of whom he loves and with both of whom he has an unspoken agreement in which they have sex, in their communal bathroom naked and together is not something Jisung expected from tonight.

Still on his knees, which Jisung suspects must be getting uncomfortable, Chan's ears burn red and he doesn't look Jisung in the eye but doesn't turn away from him, either.

Changbin is the first to speak, and he covers his half-mast erection with one hand as if it's something Jisung hasn't seen already, saying, "it's okay, Channie hyung, I've done this with Jisungie, too."

Not very clear.

From the floor, Chan finally twists his neck back around to peer up at Changbin when he asks, "you piss on Jisung?"

Jisung squawks, and steps inside the bathroom and closes and locks the door behind him, and says, "no?! He doesn't! That's not a thing!"

Maybe he should have taken a second more to evaluate their positions before he said that, though, because - Huh. It very well might be a thing, and a thing that the two of them do.

Chan's ears have never been so red. Jisung wants to touch them, to tug on his earlobe and see if it's hot to the touch.

"Did you lock the door?" Changbin asks, pulling Jisung's attention away from the way Chan is cowering down in the shower stall.

Jisung nods, and Changbin then asks, "because you're staying?"

That wasn't exactly his thought process when he did it - it was something more concerned with not wanting someone unwelcome to stumble upon his hyungs in such a vulnerable position, and he didn't realise he was categorising himself as something other than unwelcome - but Jisung nods again in response. When Changbin jerks his chin up, beckoning, Jisung takes careful steps towards them both.

He's glad this didn't happen in the old dorm. This bathroom is much more spacious, with enough space in fact for Jisung to step into the shower after kicking his sweats off and get to his knees beside Chan.

Chan looks confused, surprised, more shy than Jisung has ever seen him even after all this time. Changbin looks less surprised, like that's where he expected Jisung was going to end up rather than standing beside him above Chan.

Jisung chances a glance to his right and sees that Chan is hard; it makes him feel less self-conscious about how fast his own blood has been steadily rushing downward since he entered the room.

He doesn't want to say that word, so he mumbles, "is that... Is that what you were doing, then?"

"Yeah," Changbin says gruffly. He sounds almost defensive, but he brings his palm up to cup Jisung's head for a second and Jisung leans into the touch.

Jisung gives this one more second's thought, and then asks them both, "let me see?"

Again, Chan looks more taken aback by this than Changbin.

"Sungie," Chan says quietly. "You and Changbin."

Unspoken question, unspoken arrangement.

"You and Changbin," Jisung replies, and Chan grins wryly.

They both look up at Changbin at the same time, still standing in front of them fully nude with his pecs and belly and thighs out and making it hard for Jisung to focus, and he smiles sheepishly and says, "I knew about you two."

"Wanna watch us kiss?" Jisung says greasily, winking at Changbin and raising an eyebrow in Chan's direction.

He's kind of joking and kind of not.

Changbin says, "yes," and Jisung takes a sharp breath in, twisting to the side and finding Chan already facing him with eyes fixed on Jisung's lips.

"Hi, baby," Chan breathes, reassuring and familiar, and he kisses Jisung open-mouthed and already a little desperate. Jisung gets it; he's never felt so worked up so fast, and he's never kissed with an audience before, and he licks Chan's teeth and moans into his mouth and hears Changbin gasp quietly above them.

Chan pulls away much faster than Jisung wants him to, and he's going to complain until he notices Changbin shifting on his feet and gripping the base of his cock and biting his lip.

"Hyung," Changbin says with a whine in his voice, like he's embarrassed. "I need to-"

"I know," Chan interrupts him, swollen lips and a red flush all the way down his neck and chest.

Jisung watches them, unwilling to blink in case he misses a thing, knees going numb and heart thumping in his chest. They don't say anything else, like they know what the other is thinking and Jisung is the same way with Chan and Changbin separately and now he wishes he was in the know with them together, too.

Silence, tense and throbbing, and then Changbin groans and he's pissing, slowly at first but the stream gets stronger after a few seconds. He's pissing on Chan, aiming his dick so that it splashes onto Chan's chest and trickles down his abs and runs over his cock before dripping onto the floor of the shower.

Jisung's jaw drops and he- He has no idea what to think of this, what he's supposed to think of it, but he's still hard and he doesn't know if it's rude but he drops a palm into his lap to grind up against while he watches. Changbin notices, of course he does, huffing out a laugh.

"Look at him, hyung."

Chan had been staring up at Changbin, his hands resting on his thighs without a single move to touch himself, and at Changbin's instruction he looks over at Jisung even though it makes his blush worsen.

Jisung blushes, too, thinking about how good Chan looks like this and how ridiculous this is and how Changbin must have had a lot to drink before this in preparation but, even then, it seems like he's almost done.

And Jisung may lack impulse control but he doesn't want to watch this end and not -

He shifts to his right, a few inches, enough that Chan moves a little, and Changbin's piss hits Jisung's thigh. It's hot and Jisung feels like he's burning up where it touches him, just that one splash and then Changbin is done and he's looking at Jisung with such intensity that Jisung can't help the little whimper that escapes him.

"Holy shit," Chan blurts out, wrapping Jisung up in his arms and kissing him again. Jisung goes willingly, and sucks Chan's tongue into his mouth at the same time as he slides a hand over Chan's stomach and feels how the skin is hot and wet and drying tacky.

Chan's hand drops onto Jisung's thigh, doing the same to him with a squeeze, and Jisung had never in his wildest dreams considered this but he likes it more than he could have guessed.

Something he had dreamed of was Chan and Changbin, together and with him, more and more ever since Changbin had finally given in and given Jisung what he's wanted all this time. Because of course Jisung would fall in love with the two people he works most closely with, who understand him more than anyone and who he never wants to be apart from. Of course it would be both of them, and of course it would culminate in all three of them, because they've never been the type to leave one out.

Jisung's hand, piss-wet, wraps around Chan's cock and it’s a poor lubricant but Chan doesn't complain about the dryness: he stops kissing Jisung just to pant, mouth hanging open, and when Changbin reaches down to take a fistful of Chan's hair and pull Chan comes just like that.

His hand is much worse off now. Jisung assumes Chan will want a moment but he's barely caught his breath before he leans forward and up and swallows Changbin's cock down without pause.

Jisung's entire body feels like a live wire, and he moans in sync with Changbin. His imagination never gave him this, and Jisung might be pretty sure this isn't a one-time thing but he still tries to take it all in like it is.

Changbin tenses his thighs and holds Chan's head down with his fist still in his hair, hips twitching into the heat of Chan's mouth that Jisung knows well, and Jisung has been in both of their positions and feels his jaw ache in sympathy as his cock twitches between his legs.

"Sungie," Changbin says, grabbing at Jisung's shoulder and pulling until he gets the message and stands up shakily. "Doesn't hyung look good?"

Jisung says, "yes," and Chan's eyes flutter closed and he doesn't stop sucking Changbin off.

Changbin seems relatively composed, all things considered, but he shakes apart when Jisung cups Chan's cheek in his clean hand and Chan hums at the touch and Jisung feels the head of Changbin's cock through the stretched-out skin.

If he rubbed against Changbin's hip Jisung is pretty sure he would come in seconds, and he's not looking for much more than that but Changbin and Chan can be a formidable team when they gang up against him and he should have known this would be no different.

"You're filthy, Jisungie," Chan tuts as Changbin manhandles Jisung under the shower head and they turn it on. The blast of cold water makes Jisung shriek but they have a firm hold of his arms and keep him there until it warms up enough that he stops struggling.

Jisung starts to think they're actually going to leave him hanging: Chan gets a palmful of shampoo and rubs it into Jisung's hair, tips of his fingers scraping Jisung's scalp in a way that has Jisung humming happily even as he's denied.

Chan tilts Jisung's head back to wash the shampoo out, then gets the conditioner and works it into the ends of his hair where it's driest from being coloured and bleached and coloured again. It feels nice, and Jisung relaxes and figures he can complain afterwards.

Fingers trace down his back from his shoulders, down and down until they spread his asscheeks and slip over his hole and Jisung startles before sighing out a moan and leaning into Changbin's hold more heavily. Chan doesn't stop scrubbing Jisung's hair, just repositions so that Jisung has his back against Changbin's chest and is less at risk of slipping with how wobbly his knees are.

"Hyung," Jisung whispers. He doesn't know who he's asking for. Chan uses a finger under Jisung's chin to tip his head back again and rinse out the conditioner, and Changbin presses two fingers into him at the same time.

Chan says, "good boy," smiling at Jisung with his eyes scrunched up the way he always does as if they aren't all three of them naked in the shower, as if Jisung isn't being fingered right now, as if he didn't just watch Changbin piss all over Chan with the knowledge that they've done that before.

Jisung is a little overwhelmed.

Two of Changbin's fingers is enough that he feels the stretch and it makes him ache, and Jisung has been ready to come since he first saw them so he goes to touch himself and feels Chan catch his wrist and stop him.

"What?" Jisung asks, halfway to outraged but assuaged by the heat of Changbin's body behind him and the way Chan's hand slides off his wrist to hold his hand instead.

"Patience, honey," Chan says. Jisung's favourite pet-name - he wonders if they both know that.

It feels planned, well-orchestrated, even though Jisung knows that's impossible. Chan keeps holding his hand, giving him something to cling to, and his other hand drags a trail of fire up Jisung's inner thigh and past his cock and balls, and when he presses it against the rim of Jisung's asshole Jisung cries out broken and hoarse.

"Fuck- Oh, fuck," Jisung spits, overwhelmed, feeling Chan press harder until he presses in and Jisung is going to die right here, with the spray of the shower blinding him and both of his hyungs inside him.

Changbin drags his fingers in and out, letting Jisung feel the catch of his knuckles every time, and Chan curls his finger towards himself and searches for only a few seconds before he finds it and decides to ruin Jisung's life by drawing insistent circles around his prostate without pause.

"Please- Changbinnie, Channie hyung, I can't," Jisung whimpers and whines, thrashing weakly in their hold and feeling precome leaking from his slit and tears forming in his eyes.

"You're so cute," Changbin says, impossibly fond for the position they're in. He kisses Jisung's cheek when he starts to cry, and both of Chan's hands are busy but Changbin has one free and he only has to stroke Jisung's cock once, base to tip and smooth with how wet Jisung can't help but get, for Jisung to come.

Chan pulls out first and then Changbin follows, and Jisung clenches and feels empty and bites back his pathetic noises.

They wash him head to toe with a flannel and some body wash that Hyunjin bought and Jisung steals. Jisung lets them move him and clean him and feels floaty and soft and content, smiling dopily and kissing the corner of Chan's mouth when he laughs at him.

"My bed is biggest," is Changbin's winning statement when they're arguing about whose room they should go to. Jisung wants to dive into the middle and force them both to cuddle him, but something about the look on Changbin's face has Jisung shuffling over and dragging Changbin into the centre instead. Chan climbs in last, throwing a leg over Changbin's hip and an arm over his belly.

They've long outgrown awkward silences, and Jisung has never been so comfortable. The window is open enough that he can hear the sounds of late-night traffic outside, and everything is loose and calm. Jisung's heart feels light and full, and he knows it's time for them to stop waiting for each other and start daring.