Archive of Our Own

Yang Jungwon knows “push and pull” well. Maybe too well.

It’s not a well-known fact about him, but Jungwon has always been fascinated by space. Not in the way that Jake is, with his physics and math and theories that no one understands, but just the idea of the universe. Their significance in the grand scheme of things. Their existences and their purposes. 

When he stayed with his halmeoni as a kid, she would always let him use the telescope to go and look at the stars and the moon. Sometimes if they were lucky, they would see some of the other planets - Mercury, Venus. Mars. 

“Halmeoni, how does the moon know where to go?” he asked once, standing on the chair at the veranda so that he could look through the telescope.

“It’s called gravity, Jungwon-ah. Compared to the Earth, the moon is really small, right? So the Earth is really strong because of that, and it tries to pull the moon so that they can be together. But if that happens, then the moon will crash into the Earth!” Jungwon gasped.

“That’s how the dinosaurs disappeared…” he said in awe, and his halmeoni chuckled.

“That’s why the moon also pushes back a little bit, so it can stay in the same circle around the Earth. Do you remember when I told you about fishing, that there are high tides and low tides?” Jungwon nodded enthusiastically.

“When they’re high, there’s lots of water! And it’s dangerous for me because I’m too small. Halmeoni said that the tides are sooo powerful, that they’ll pull you from under and take you away!” Jungwon exclaimed.

“Correct! Ah, sonja, you’re so smart. And then after half the day is over, the water will go back to normal. Then it becomes low, then normal, then high, then so on. Because the moon and the Earth are always pushing and pulling at each other. That’s how they’re always around each other. There are black holes too, and they’re really really strong. They have so much gravity and strength that they can suck up everything in space!” Jungwon’s face crumpled in fear.

“Halmeoni, I don’t think I want to be an astronaut anymore,” he tearfully declared, and she just pat his head with a chuckle. 

Several years later, when he’s in I-Land with the other 22 trainees, he finds himself naturally gravitating to Sunoo. Sunoo compliments his entrance exam performance and holds out his hand for Jungwon to take, and since then he's always been drawn to him. He feels the twinge in his chest, the tug on his heartstrings. And Sunoo, Jungwon realizes as they go through the entire show, is a whirlwind, a supernova, a force to be reckoned with. He feels like if he’s not careful, he’ll be swept away and get too caught up in him without Sunoo realizing Jungwon’s feelings for him.

So he remembers what his halmeoni told him, and he tries to push back, little by little. He keeps it lowkey, but he sticks to Sunoo's side, teases him, and plays hard to get. They become close. Friends, even. Jungwon isn't ashamed to recognize that he feels something for Sunoo - after all, everyone noticed that after they performed Fire he was following Sunoo around like a lost puppy - and he hopes that as he keeps pushing, he will eventually make space for himself in the crevices of Sunoo's heart. 

And he knows that if pushes enough, it’ll work out in the end. Because that’s how he got his parents to agree to him being a trainee at SM and BigHit and Belift. That’s how he got noticed by the trainers and got selected to participate in I-Land. That’s how he captured the hearts of thousands of fans globally and cemented himself into being a member of Enhypen. 

But now, the more Yang Jungwon pushes pushes pushes, the more Kim Sunoo just keeps pulling away.

+

[VLive - In the studio🐈🦊 - 210701]

“My heart is still here, please,” Sunoo sings as he translates the lyrics of “Seattle” by Sam Kim to Korean and Jungwon can’t help but turn to him and smile. 

“My heart…” Sunoo begins and Jungwon finishes with “it’s all for you.”

“Just please. Take care of me. I’m all for you.” 

Jungwon’s heart skips a beat and he turns to look at Sunoo again. He can’t help but admire him in the soft lighting, with his ash blond hair and his dark cardigan and his dewy skin and eyes.

Sunoo giggles, and the Earth stops for a moment.

+

Jungwon has always been recognized (and maybe even revered) for his observational skills and patience. It’s one of the reasons that he was the leader candidate, and then why he became the actual leader. Though he and the members have only been together for a little less than 2 years, he’s observed enough that to a certain extent, he can tell what they’re thinking and predict their behavior. 

For example: if he asks any of the members to do something for him, they’ll whine a bit. (Especially Ni-ki.) If he asks Sunoo to do anything, he knows Sunoo will just agree. If he tries to wake them up, they’ll thrash around and hide under the covers until the management team forces them out of their beds and into the bathrooms. He can just lightly pat Sunoo with his hand, and Sunoo clasps their hands together as he slowly sits up with his messy hair and endearingly cute smile. Jungwon can make a request for tteokbokki in the night and Heeseung or Jake will rapidly shake their heads and beg for something else, but Sunoo will just smile and nod as if he wasn’t craving something else instead and Jungwon has to resist poking his hyung’s cheeks.

To put it simply, Jungwon is kind of, maybe, totally gone for his hyung. 

There’s several problems with this. Firstly: Having feelings and confessing to a group member? Of course it isn’t unheard of - being on good terms with Jeonghan gets him gossip and he’s heard a lot about Vernon and Seungkwan - but it’s bound to cause slight tension between him and Sunoo, and also him and the group members. What if it gets too awkward between them? There’s no choice but to see each other for the next five years. Right? And dating a group member? It’s a step up from having a silly schoolgirl crush at least, but what if they break up? It would be even more awkward. Also, what about PDA? Jungwon isn’t sure about other people, but if he was dating someone he would want everyone to know. He would want to hold their hand and hug them from behind. When in love, he’s obvious to a fault. Being a public figure especially limits him from being open, and Enhypen certainly doesn’t need a scandal like that right now.

Secondly: Everyone thinks he’s in love with Jay. Jungwon would like to very much stress that he is not. Jay is a father figure. (A bother figure). Jay naturally dotes on people in his own, signature nonchalant way and during I-Land he was just always there so Jungwon would find himself talking to Jay late at night about how stressful everything was; about his insecurities and fears and about the uncertainty of trainee life and debut, but also about his feelings about the people around him. The same goes for Sunoo. Sunoo tends to keep his thoughts bottled up and tries to be as impassive as possible, but when it becomes too much for him and he’s overwhelmed (whether it be about criticism, fan comments, anything really) - the first person he goes to is Jay. Jungwon will admit that he sometimes does get jealous of how close Sunoo and Jay are, but he knows that Sunoo only sees him as a nice older brother and there’s nothing else there. 

And thirdly. He’s seen how it was with Ni-ki. Oh god, was it bad with Ni-ki. 

He remembers how a couple weeks after promotions for Border: Carnival ended, Ni-ki had stopped talking to Sunoo almost entirely. Which was weird, because Ni-ki was absolutely enamored with the older boy. During I-Land, their “relationship” was catapulted from the moment Sunoo reacted to Ni-ki’s entrance exam performance, and developed further when Ni-ki and Sunoo were both in the Ground. Ni-ki could be seen hovering around Sunoo, jumping in excitement at the other’s achievements; Sunoo would console the younger boy and calm him when got frustrated with himself or the other Grounders. They found comfort in each other then, helping each other build up the confidence and the skills necessary to move on to Part 2 of the show and especially into Enhypen. They depended on each other a lot more and as far as fans of the show were concerned, they were soulmates. What the viewers didn’t know is that their relationship went much further than that.

Sunoo isn’t touchy, but Ni-ki is. And Sunoo would never really initiate anything, but he also never stopped Ni-ki. When the cameras weren’t rolling, Ni-ki would drape himself across the older’s lap, or hold his hand, or cup his face. He would press kisses to the older boy’s cheeks, forehead, and nose. Sunoo would softly hold onto the other boy’s fingers and lightly push them away, but Ni-ki never seemed to mind. Some mornings, Sunoo would be in the bathroom dabbing foundation all over his neck, making it clear that Ni-ki snuck out at some point to go to his room and be with him. 

Even after debut, they would go out to eat dinner and shop together. Ni-ki would sneak into Sunoo’s bed to sleep because that’s where he felt most comfortable. They would wake up next to each other, and Jungwon would hear the two giggling as they talked about the drama episode that they finished last night, and watch as Ni-ki’s bare chest pressed up against Sunoo’s back. (The image was burned into his brain for the next few weeks, as he couldn’t help but think about how it would feel for him to be doing the same thing.)

And then all of a sudden, Ni-ki was constantly around Heeseung and Jake, and Sunoo was more around Jay. They would only acknowledge each other as they rummaged around in the bedroom, or passed each other on the way to the bathroom, or when they were in the car and had no choice but to sit next to each other. Sunghoon was the first to notice - and if Sunghoon, who’s not great at reading the room could see it, then it meant there was seriously a big issue. 

So Jungwon decides he needs to confront Sunoo because the fall-out is impacting group morale, but then he overhears Sunoo explaining to management, in tears, that he didn’t want to get Ni-ki’s hopes up any longer. That he's not like Ni-ki; that he can’t feel the same way. 

Jungwon freezes. 

“Hyung?” he hears from behind him and gasps in surprise. He turns around to see Ni-ki.

“Oh Ni-ki! What are you doing here?”

“Going to the waiting room…? We have a performance, don’t we? Jungwon-hyung, are you okay?” Ni-ki questions, eyebrows furrowed and Jungwon bites his lip. Should he tell Ni-ki what he heard? Or does he already know? Should Jungwon have intervened earlier?

“Hyung. If it’s about me and Sunoo hyung, it’s fine,” Ni-ki answers, as if he can hear Jungwon’s thoughts. But then Ni-ki’s lips wobble and he stares at the floor.

“Ni-ki, what’s wrong?” Jungwon asks in concern.

“Why did he stay with me for so long if he didn’t like me? Why did he let me do all that to him, kiss him and hug him and things like that if he didn’t want them? He did want me, didn’t he?”

“I don’t know, Ni-ki, honestly,” Jungwon replies after a few minutes of silence. He’s been squatting next to Ni-ki for a while now, and his legs are starting to cramp so he moves to sit down next to him. They might be here for a while, anyway.

“You know, I thought it was because I asked him to go out of his comfort zone or something. Because I asked him to kiss me first, or because I asked him to pull my hair, or something like that,” Ni-ki reveals, blushing at the admission. Jungwon files that away in Sexual Things About My Members that I Didn’t Want to Know, But Now I Do. (Another entry in there is that Jake likes to be choked. Yeah, Jungwon doesn’t like knowing that.)

“You wanna know why we, quote unquote, broke it off?” Jungwon stays silent.

“I told him that I love him, hyung. I told Sunoo hyung that I love him. One minute we’re doing everything together, and the next he’s making us act like we don’t know each other. I don’t really know anything anymore, hyung.”

“You’re hurt, Ni-ki, and it’s perfectly normal for you to be. I can’t say that the heartbreak will ever go away, but it’ll get better. It has to,” Jungwon remarks and Ni-ki simply nods, resting his head on Jungwon’s shoulder.

The door to the waiting room opens, and out walks Sunoo who’s carrying tissues and bottles of water. He settles down next to Jungwon and grabs Ni-ki’s fingers, and Jungwon watches as Ni-ki relaxes at the touch of his hyung.

“I’m sorry, Riki,” Sunoo whispers. “I do love you, I’m just not sure if I love you like that.” And all Ni-ki and Jungwon can do is nod as Sunoo’s shoulders start to shake as he cries into his knees. They hold him tight and cry with him until Heeseung comes looking for them, scolding them about how he couldn’t find them and how worried he was but he sees how all of them have swollen eyes and simply sends them to the stylists to fix their makeup.

—

It doesn’t happen instantly, but things do get better between Ni-ki and Sunoo. Ni-ki never told the other members what happened, but when they’re sitting around for dinner one day after a long day of schedules with instant rice and kimchi jjigae on the table, he suddenly announces “I’m a big kid now so I’m going to start sleeping alone!” Jay just gives him a half-hearted thumbs up in response and they all go back to eating. Under the table, Jungwon can see Sunoo squeeze Ni-ki’s hand before he goes back to eating as well. 

It’s quiet and stable for them. Jungwon doesn’t have to walk on eggshells around the rest of their members, the management team isn’t on their asses about something trivial, and everything is good!

Or so he thought.

It’s late at night and Jungwon is sitting on the couch, writing notes on his phone about the members’ conditions and his general thoughts so he can relay them to the managers the next morning. He hears Sunghoon shuffle out of their shared bedroom and to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and Jungwon sighs. Sunghoon steps toward the living room before he stops, looking like he’s considering whether to talk to Jungwon or not (Jungwon hopes he doesn’t because he’s exhausted and could do with some good sleep instead of having to console his hyung) but Sunghoon looks like a kicked puppy so he sets his phone aside and motions for Sunghoon to sit with him.

“It’s about Sunoo,” Sunghoon blurted and Jungwon winces.

Jungwon knew it was bad with Ni-ki, but it was also bad with Sunghoon.

Sunoo’s…affections? Desires? For Sunghoon were quite clear on I-Land, with the way he kept trying to appeal to the older. Even though Sunoo was doing whatever he was with Ni-ki at the time, it didn’t mean that he couldn’t be obvious about how he felt for his hyung. Sunghoon confessed that he was confused and extremely taken aback, but he was also a teenage boy who sadly didn’t get a lot of validation and so he basked in the attention at the time. And after the show ended, their relationship as members and colleagues improved and was amped up by the company, every small bit of their interactions milked by their fans and casual viewers. They were the “hot topic” among the idols and the trainees for a while because of their banter and actions and behavior. Soon though, Sunoo would be less obvious about his attention and attraction to Sunghoon and after some time, it was like the roles were completely reversed. Now, instead of Sunoo throwing himself at Sunghoon, it’s the opposite. Sunghoon is calling for Sunoo, looking at him during their VLives, initiating conversations and teasing him, the list could go on and on. It’s as if the moment that Sunghoon started reciprocating…whatever it was, Sunoo’s feelings disappeared.

Who’s to say that Sunoo wouldn’t do the same with him?

“What happened with hyung?” Jungwon inquires because even though he's a little jealous and annoyed, he still has a little responsibility as the leader to talk to his members and work things out.

“...I thought he liked me. And I think I'm starting to like him.”

“WHAT?!” Jungwon screeches and Sunghoon shushes him.

“Sorry, sorry. Continue.”

“Like I said, I thought he liked me. He was just so…into me back then, and it seemed like he still liked me even after we debuted? And you know, the company makes us do stuff together for fanservice and stuff, and none of it is really real, but after a while…” he trails off, and Jungwon kind of understands. It’s like when you and a friend are really close, and everyone says you look really cute together, and then you end up developing feelings even if you never really had them in the first place. And now you just can’t help but think of them when they probably aren’t thinking of you. Jungwon and Sunghoon sit in silence for a bit, when the bedroom door opens again and Ni-ki pokes his head out, squinting at the two.

“Ah. Is this about Sunoo hyung?” Sunghoon’s eyebrows go up in surprise and Ni-ki shrugs.

“I know the look. I’ve had it before too. And Heeseung hyung. It’s the ‘why doesn’t Sunoo hyung like slash admire me anymore?’ look,” Ni-ki explains as he sits down at the base of the sofa. Sunghoon just nods in acceptance.

“There’s just something about Sunoo hyung. He draws you in, and it’s like you can’t let go. Like he’s the sun, and you’re just a planet that’s orbiting him with no choice. Or like a black hole. You just can’t help but be pulled by his gravity,” Ni-ki comments after a couple beats of silence.

“Did you tell him you like him?” Jungwon asks eventually.

“No. But it’s pretty clear he doesn’t really want anything from me that way,” Sunghoon replies and slumps further into the sofa.

“Sorry, hyung,” Jungwon says sympathetically and Sunghoon just shakes his head.

“It’s fine. I’ll move on.”

Jungwon isn’t sure how he’s going to deal with this when it’s his turn.

+

[Weverse Magazine - 220117]

The lyrics to “Polaroid Love” compare the feeling of being in love to polaroid pictures. But what about you? Do you usually express your affections directly?

JUNGWON: Actually, I don’t think I’ve said the words “I love you” too many times in my life. I’m really not that kind of person. Other than when I say it to ENGENE in writing. But I will say when I like something, usually. I guess I usually express it through my actions or naturally on my face rather than saying “I like you.”

+

For someone who doesn’t like saying “I love you,” Jungwon finds that he’s been able to say it to Sunoo pretty easily. Even if it’s just for content and doesn’t have any significance to anyone else - Jungwon is always his true, authentic self no matter where he is and so he really means it. 

At the same time though, Jungwon is also a man of action. His leadership combined with his love for Sunoo has him constantly flitting about the other. It gives him the opportunity to be touchy and more observant of his hyung, to see if any of the things he does actually have any effect. He feels like he’s probably stepping out of his comfort zone, but what is crushing on someone if not experiencing new things and feelings?

So he calls Sunoo on VLive when they’re all in quarantine, and announces to their fans and Sunoo that “Yeah hyung, of course you were the first one I called.”

He lets himself stare at Sunoo for a bit too long, until he remembers that there is a camera on him and he can’t help but flush a little. 

He’s glad they’re doing the radio show together, because Jungwon has an excuse to try and poke Sunoo’s cheeks.

He reads a comment from a fan that says Sunoo posted on Instagram, and because his brain-to-mouth filter goes haywire when it comes to Kim Sunoo, he can’t help but blurt out “Ohhh~ Sunoo hyung is handsome,” smirk and all.

He puts his hand on Sunoo’s thigh while they’re filming some Youtube content because he likes seeing how the muscle bunches up underneath the jean fabric, and he wanted to feel it once for himself.

Sunoo is smiling and clapping when they’re at a shoot because of the fun that he’s having, and Jungwon can’t help the smile that lights up his own face.

“I really want to go to an amusement park or noraebang,” Sunoo mentions on their radio show and Jungwon exclaims, “okay, let’s go tomorrow!” with a pinky promise and all, despite Sunoo protesting that they have schedules.

When they’re on stage together, doing their ments, he somehow ends up next to Sunoo even though that wasn’t his original position.

“You don’t see me as a hyung, right?” Sunoo asks during the “Of Course” game when they’re filming for Tokopedia, and Jungwon answers like he’s supposed to but he wants to tack on “I see you as more than that” at the end.

On their last day of the radio show, Sunoo is crying and Jungwon tries his best not to jump out of his chair to hug his hyung and wipe the tears off his face.

Sunoo says “Jungwon is mine!” at a fansign, and Jungwon stands there frozen for a while because what???

He reads another comment that says “Sunoo is like an angel,” and as he waits for Sunoo’s response he can’t help but stare at him again. 

They’re filming the comeback show for Manifesto: Day 1, and Sunoo looks so good in his outfit for TFW that Jungwon’s throat goes dry and he forgets that he needs to speak and look to the front instead of checking him out.

He’s live again and calls Sunoo because he’s bored. Sunoo says he wants to leave because a different friend is calling, but Jungwon finds himself whining: “No, tell your friend to call you later. Tell them you’re on VLive right now with me” and Sunoo stays for a little while before he actually leaves and Jungwon just finds himself dialing Sunoo’s number four more times after that. 

When they’re in the car, getting back from Music Bank, he leaves the seat next to him empty so Sunoo can come sit with him. He leans next to him and breathes him in, the smell of his perfume combined with the laundry detergent lingering on his hoodie and he brushes their fingers together. Sunoo grasps his hand and intertwines their fingers, and when Jungwon looks up at his face, Sunoo is already smiling down at him.

“You’re cute, Jungwonie,” he whispers softly and Jungwon thinks his heart is going to explode. They reach the dorms and Sunoo steps out first, grinning at Jungwon before he skips to the dorm. Ni-ki stops him before he leaves.

“Hyung, be careful. If you push too much, Sunoo hyung will pull away.”

+

[VLive - Come Gather ENGENE 😃 - 220722]

“Sunoo hyung, can you sing this part in TFW?”

“I think of you again, that feeling when, I love you,” Sunoo sings and Jungwon is lucky that this is a voice live and no one can see his face because his heart swells and he feels like throwing his phone across the room.

“I think of you again, that feeling when, I love you,” he softly sings back and he hopes Sunoo is smiling as much as he is. He hopes Sunoo understands what he means.

+

See, but here’s the thing. Ever since he discovered that Sunoo would say yes to him for anything he asks (sure, it’s in the context of him being the leader but still), he’s been wondering if he can ask for more. 

If he can push him more.

Is it bad that he wants to see what Sunoo’s limits are? How far he can go?

It starts off innocently enough, meaning he’s just holding his hand in the car or under the table or sitting next to each other in bed as he calls his mom and Sunoo watches a drama. Sunoo never says anything and just smiles at him sweetly.

One day the 02z went out for drinks with the managers, and Heeseung and Ni-ki went to an internet café. So it’s just him and Sunoo in their apartment right now. 

“Hyung,” he calls out as he steps into their bedroom and sees Sunoo slumped over his bed as he watches something on his phone.

“Hmm? Hi Jungwon-ah.”

Sunoo rolls over, and his shirt rides up, giving Jungwon a view of his smooth stomach. Jungwon drank a bottle of water already, but all of a sudden, he’s parched.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh-um, I was gonna ask if you ate anything today?” he mumbles because he literally can’t think of anything else. Not with Sunoo looking like that. Sunoo laughs and Jungwon thinks he hears wedding bells.

“No need to be shy, Jungwon-ah. But yes, I ate. Did you?” Jungwon nods fervently and Sunoo gestures for him to come sit next to him.

Sunoo tells him that he’s watching some BL series that Ni-ki recommended to him, because it’s cute and Sunoo doesn’t want to watch anything sad right now. Jungwon just nods as his words go through one ear and out the other because he’s ridiculously close to Sunoo right now and all his brain cells are screaming “Kim Sunoo is in front of me!”

“Jungwon-ah, you’re staring.” 

“Uhm…”

“Just say it,” Sunoo huffs as he sits up and inches closer to Jungwon, knees digging into the mattress and hands near Jungwon’s legs.

“Hyung, I want to kiss you.” Jungwon blurts, and Sunoo blinks and moves back a little in surprise. Sunoo stares at him for a few seconds and Jungwon feels like rolling up into a ball and never talking to anyone ever again. 

“I knew it was going to be weird, hyung, I’m sorry just pretend I never-” 

“If you’re sure,” Sunoo drawls, voice low, and tilts Jungwon’s head towards him. He closes his eyes and he can feel Sunoo’s breath over his own (oh, it smells like bubblegum?), and Sunoo grips his thighs and then leans in until their lips connect.

Jungwon feels weightless. Is he even alive? Is this like some afterlife vision? Maybe Sunoo really is an angel. 

He can feel Sunoo frown against his mouth and he’s about to groan when he opens his eyes and sees Sunoo pouting. 

“What’s wrong?”

“You said you wanted to kiss me but you’re not even kissing back.”

“Oh I’m so fucked, why are you so cute,” he mutters and pulls Sunoo towards him again, this time taking the initiative as he presses his lips against Sunoo’s.

He’s thought about what kissing Sunoo would be like, but holy shit, it could never compare to the real thing. Sunoo tastes like strawberry lip balm and mint gum, and Jungwon can’t help but press into him more and more, Sunoo’s plump lips moving against his. He can feel how soft his cheeks are - that skincare routine is really paying off - and Sunoo responds to his insistence by parting his lips further and moving his hand to stroke the back of Jungwon’s neck. Jungwon feels a little shudder go through his body, like an electrical current, and he moves a little more to get closer to his hyung.

They break apart to breathe, and then like it’s instinctual, they lean in again. Their kisses stay soft and sweet, and Jungwon can hear the soft hums and whines that Sunoo is making and fuck, he wants more. Honestly, it’s kind of embarrassing how he’s so gone for Sunoo and how obviously in love with him he is. Jungwon slowly starts to push Sunoo down so his back is against the mattress and he swings his legs over so that he’s straddling Sunoo, locking him in place. He looks down at his hyung. Sunoo’s hair is all over the place from how Jungwon was gripping it earlier, his cheeks impossibly red, eyes dark in excitement and his lips shiny with spit. I did that. It’s me who made him look like that. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers.

And normally, Sunoo would respond to that with a sassy, “Tell me something I didn’t know!” or “Yes, that’s what everyone is saying nowadays!” but he just blushes even more and turns his head away so he’s no longer looking at Jungwon.

“Hyung, look at me.” And because Sunoo always listens to Jungwon, he does. “I mean it. You’re so beautiful. No one can ever convince me otherwise. You’re the most beautiful, kindhearted soul there is. I don’t think you realize how special you are hyung. There’s no one like you,” he genuinely confesses and Sunoo blinks up at him.

“Jungwon-ah,” he squeaks and curls in on himself. Oh?

“You’re so so pretty,” Jungwon asserts as he lowers himself and strokes Sunoo’s face. “And so caring. And thoughtful. You are incredible, and I’m so glad you exist.” Sunoo gasps.

“Can I kiss you again?” Jungwon implores and Sunoo nods. But instead of going for Sunoo’s lips, he presses his lips to the skin above his collarbones, and he feels Sunoo shudder.

“H-ah , Jungwon-ah!” Sunoo whimpers as Jungwon continues to kiss the skin, not enough to make marks but still enough to elicit a reaction. 

“It’s okay hyung. Keep making those pretty sounds.” And now that Sunoo has supposedly been given permission and a compliment, he lets himself moan and sigh as Jungwon continues to pepper kisses all over his neck and shoulders. One of Jungwon’s hands moves under Sunoo’s shirt and he starts to rub small circles into the skin there with his thumb.

“Hyung, I really love you,” Jungwon breathes as he moves back up so he can see Sunoo’s face. Jungwon slots his knee between Sunoo’s legs and feels a rush when he hears the noise Sunoo makes. Jungwon goes back to kissing his lips, relishing in the soft sighs and hums and other sounds that are coming from Sunoo’s mouth.

Ni-ki was right. Sunoo is like a black hole; once he’s pulled you in, there’s no way out.

—

Jungwon is addicted. There’s no point in denying it; ever since their first little make out session in the dorm, Jungwon hasn’t been able to keep his hands off the other.

Jungwon has always been an early riser, but ever since he and Sunoo decided they would wake up early together to choose matching outfits, he knew it was something he had to commit to. And now with this new development, Jungwon finds himself waking up even earlier just so he can have extra time with Sunoo. When they’re both in the dressing room, he has Sunoo against the door and kisses him like it’s natural for him to kiss him, to love him. 

They’re lucky that the rest of the members are such chronic sleepyheads that they don’t notice, because sometimes Sunoo and Jungwon will leave the dressing room looking even more worn out - hair tousled, cheeks red, clothes askew - than when they first washed up. 

Anyway. Jungwon loves kissing Sunoo. He can’t believe he didn’t make a move earlier. He could have been kissing Sunoo months ago. It’s also nice to know that Sunoo is just as bold and eager when it comes to being touchy with Jungwon. 

They’ll all be sitting on the couch, watching a movie, and Sunoo’s hand slowly enters up Jungwon’s pajama shirt and travels to his stomach, where he'll lightly tap. Jungwon knows he’s squirming and Jay shoots him an odd look he's moving around and being annoying and all Jungwon can do is pout because he’s super ticklish there but also he likes the feeling of Sunoo’s hands on him. They’ll be in the car after their schedules are over, and Sunoo lets Jungwon lean into his side as he ruffles the younger boy’s hair. When they’re getting ready, Sunoo will comb his hair and let his fingers brush against his nape and Jungwon always shudders at the touch.

Jungwon thinks he might be the luckiest person alive. He tells Sunoo as much, the next time they’re alone. It’s the first time in months that they get to be alone; he managed to snag the bigger vocal practice room that has the couch and the extra mic stands, and told everyone that they were going to do some extra vocal practice. The management team agreed easily, complimenting the boys on their enthusiasm to improve before their next comeback. 

As soon as they’re in the room, Sunoo locks the door and immediately sits down on the sofa. Jungwon, dizzy and slightly deluded from excitement, decides to be bold and sit on his hyung’s lap, turning slightly so he’s face to face with him. It’s bound to get some reaction from him, right? Jungwon shouldn’t be the only one getting butterflies! Sunoo simply chuckles and boops Jungwon’s nose.

“Look at how eager you are, my cute little Jungwon-ah!” he chirps, and Jungwon wraps his arms around Sunoo's neck. Sunoo leans in and Jungwon closes his eyes in anticipation when he suddenly hears Sunoo snickering.

“Hyung! Stop teasing me!” he whines and Sunoo continues to laugh. Jungwon glares at him and gets off of him, but Sunoo grabs his hips and settles him on his lap again.

“I’m sorry. You’re really just too cute, Jungwon-ah,” he says and wipes his eyes. Jungwon weakly pushes Sunoo’s chest. They both move forward at the same time, their lips molding together perfectly. They’ve made out like this before, but it feels different somehow. Maybe because they’re being so bold outside of the comfort of their dorm; the lights are dimmer, the room is soundproof, there’s a little thrill of some other artist knocking on the door while they’re in there. Jungwon pulls back a little, taking note of Sunoo’s heavy and lidded eyes as they bore into his own. He presses a few light kisses to the moles on his face and pride blooms in his chest as Sunoo laughs again. Sunoo shrugs off his jacket while Jungwon is catching his breath, and then his hands are around Jungwon’s body again, encasing him in a cocoon of warmth. Jungwon can feel himself overheating, his heart is probably going to explode out of his chest and when he puts his hand on Sunoo’s chest, he thinks Sunoo’s might too. Jungwon grabs at the collar of Sunoo’s polo shirt to pull him even closer and surges up against him more insistently. Sunoo leans back a little, and Jungwon takes the opportunity to move to his neck.

Sunoo has full-coverage foundation at home. It’s totally fine. Jungwon bites down a little, and nips at the flesh there more persistently than he did before. He continues but then Sunoo suddenly pushes Jungwon back a little and he stops, confused.

“Wait, Jungwon-ah.”

“Hyung? Did I do something wrong?” 

“No, just don’t leave marks, Jungwon-ah. No matter how much foundation we use, if we sweat, it’ll just melt off.” Jungwon just nods and goes back to kiss Sunoo on the lips, when he suddenly has a revolutionary idea.

“Um, okay...how about somewhere else, then?” he proposes tentatively, and for the first time since they started their…sessions, Sunoo looks taken aback. 

“What?” Jungwon asks, self-consciously. Was it really that weird of a request?

“Nothing. I didn’t expect that from you, that’s all,” Sunoo replies and he smirks a little, pulling at the hem of his shirt. Jungwon knows what’s coming, but he can’t help but hold his breath anyway as Sunoo pulls his shirt off. Unlike the rest of the members, Sunoo isn’t big on exercising or PT like the rest of the guys so he’s not as muscly, but he’s still smooth and toned and so fucking attractive, and it’s enough to send Jungwon’s heart into overdrive. He puts his hands on Sunoo’s shoulders and kneads at the soft skin, the feeling sending goosebumps all over his body. Sunoo pulls his hands off and readjusts them so Jungwon is even closer to him, so that they’re almost chest to chest. Jungwon sits in shock for a few seconds, until Sunoo laughs a little and holds his wrists.

“Where did all that boldness go, Jungwon-ah?”

“Um. UH.” Jungwon stammers as he tries to collect himself.

“It’s okay, I promise,” Sunoo reassures, and Jungwon nods, pushing Sunoo back slightly again so he has better access to Sunoo’s body. He bites under his clavicle before moving further down and pressing an open kiss to the boy’s sternum. He feels Sunoo shiver, and taking that as a good sign, he continues to move further across his chest, trailing his fingers ever so slightly and feeling Sunoo’s body jerk under him. Sunoo’s breaths are also getting rapid and shallow, and Jungwon feels elated that it’s all because of him. He keeps his mouth on Sunoo’s skin, and Sunoo moves his hands away from Jungwon’s back to under his hoodie. He jumps when he feels Sunoo’s cold hands on his warm torso, and he flushes even more when Sunoo starts to tug upwards, trying to get his sweater off.

“Off, Jungwon-ah,” Sunoo says breathily, and he complies, throwing it off to the side somewhere. All Jungwon is wearing now is a thin t-shirt, but he can feel Sunoo’s bare chest through the fabric and it sends sparks through his veins. Sunoo’s palms press on his chest and Jungwon feels himself melt further. Sunoo holds Jungwon a little tighter and lets him relax as he returns the favor to Jungwon, placing kisses along his collarbones. Jungwon feels like his head is filled with fog, like he’s in a daze. The one thing he thought would never come to fruition actually did and he’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel.

Eventually their fatigue catches up to them, and Jungwon gets off of Sunoo’s lap, electing to sit down on the floor. He’s not sure where his hoodie is, but he should probably find it. He glances at Sunoo’s chest and sees the little marks, and he feels a little embarrassed that he let his desires control him that much.

But he also knows that his affection for Sunoo isn’t purely physical, and he wants to make sure Sunoo knows that too. Yes, he enjoys kissing and hugging Sunoo, but there’s also more he wants to do with him. He wants to console him when he’s having a hard day, wants to praise him, wants to remind him that he’s loved. He wants to sleep next to him so they can bask in each other’s warmth. He wants to be a pillar of support, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold when things get difficult. He wants to be there to see all of his achievements and awards but he also wants to be there to see his crashes and spirals. He’s not really sure what he wants to be to Sunoo. A colleague? A friend with benefits? A boyfriend? His lover? But he knows one thing at least: that he loves him in a way he doesn’t know if he can ever quantify or describe. He just wants to be there. Be there, with Sunoo. To exist on the same atomic plane as him, to be in his line of vision, to be on his mind and be part of his little universe. 

“Hyung, I like you. A lot. I love you. I want to be with you,” Jungwon admits as he plays with Sunoo’s fingers. Sunoo hums dazedly and quietly says “yeah, me too.” Jungwon jumps up at the confession, and Sunoo covers his mouth with his hands, eyes widened in shock.

“You didn’t hear anything,” Sunoo hisses and grabs his shirt off the floor, pulling it over his head as he tries to leave. Jungwon grabs his wrist and Sunoo struggles before breaking free of his hold.

“Hyung wait!” Please stay with me. 

“Let me go, Jungwon,” Sunoo whispers half-heartedly, and shuts the door behind him.

(It doesn’t register for either of them until much later, when Jungwon realizes that he said the words “I love you” to Sunoo so naturally, as if it was just on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be said. He’s never been able to confess to anyone like that before.)

—

After that, Sunoo stops talking to Jungwon. Except it’s even worse than how it was with Ni-ki and Sunghoon. The moment he sees Jungwon, he leaves. Jungwon comes into the kitchen to grab a glass of water while Sunoo’s making ramyeon ? Sunoo throws his half-cooked ramyeon away and leaves, stomach still rumbling. If Jungwon saves him a seat in their van? Sunoo takes the front seat next to the manager. If Sunoo and Jungwon are sitting next to each other at a fansign event? By the end of the event, he’s next to Jay or Jake. He at least acknowledged Ni-ki’s and Sunghoon’s presences, but now he’s pretending that Jungwon doesn’t even exist (which is admittedly hard because they’re filming most of the time and need to act like they like each other, but the moment they’re off-cam, Sunoo is nowhere near the members and is hovering around the management team).

It seems like the other members have had enough, because Heeseung tells Ni-ki, Sunghoon and Jungwon to go to their room and wait patiently.

“Okay I think it’s time for an intervention!” Heeseung announces as he drags Sunoo into the big bedroom, depositing the younger on the floor before he stands near the door to guard it.

“What is this, a club for everyone who’s had their heart broken by Sunoo?” Sunghoon retorts.

“Hey hyung look. Everyone you’ve ever fucked is in here,” Ni-ki quips and Sunoo glares at him as he gets up.

“One, you and I were not fucking. Two, the most I’ve ever done for that guy over there,” he declares, pointing at Sunghoon, “is give him a blowjob.” Jungwon’s stomach churns. He knew the members…did things with each other but he didn’t know Sunoo was also part of that.

“And for your information, Jungwon and I are definitely not fucking.” Jungwon looks away, ashamed. No need to rub it in, he thinks.

“Could have had me fooled,” Ni-ki mutters under his breath, and Heeseung clears his throat.

“Fine. What’s this intervention you speak of?” Sunoo asks, crossing his arms.

“To put it simply, you all need to work out your shit. I know that if Jungwon wasn’t involved, he would be handling this. But he is, and so now here we are.” Sunoo’s glare deepens.

“Kim Sunoo,” Heeseung warns.

“You can’t make me do anything,” he insists and Heeseung scoffs.

“Sunoo hyung, please?” Jungwon pleads. “I get it if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, or do anything with me anymore, but could you at least explain? I promise I’ll leave you alone for as long as our contracts last.” Sunoo tilts his head, and slowly sits down on the floor.

“No, Jungwon. You don’t need to go that far.”

“No, I’m sorry hyung. If I made you uncomfortable or something…I was selfishly doing the things that I wanted but I didn’t account for your feelings.”

“That’s not it,” Sunoo interjects and bites his lip nervously. 

“Take your time,” Sunghoon murmurs softly and out of the corner of his eye, Jungwon can see Heeseung shut the door behind him. 

“You all vaguely…know that I was dating someone back in middle school and high school, right?

“We had an idea,” Ni-ki reveals. “But we also didn’t want to wrongly assume.”

“Jungwon, you said you wanted to be with me but...being with me, or rather just being with someone when you’re not straight is terrifying. You’re constantly thinking about whether you’ll be outed, whether someone will hurt you while you’re on the street, there’s just so many factors that go into it. Being together isn’t just kissing each other and holding hands. You can’t just be with someone, especially when we’re like this. 

With my ex-boyfriend…we broke up right before I applied to audition, and then he was outed a couple months later. They said they saw him holding hands with a boy, they called him a lot of disgusting things. His parents kicked him out of his house. No one would talk to him at school and eventually he just dropped out. I don’t even know where he is anymore, honestly.

For a while, I blamed myself for it. I know, it doesn’t make much sense but maybe if I was still in Suwon I could have protected him. I don’t know what I would have done, but I sort of wish I didn’t leave him.”

“But hyung, you know that it’s not your fault. It’s the fault of people who are highly prejudiced and bigoted and against people loving who they love,” Jungwon speaks up as he reaches for Sunoo’s hand. Sunoo flinches and pulls away.

“Is that why you rejected me? Us?” Sunghoon asks, and Sunoo nodds tentatively before clarifying, “one of the reasons, at least.” Sunoo’s eyes are glistening now, and Jungwon thinks, oh I want to hug him . But he can tell that Sunoo also needs his own personal space and so he holds himself back.

“I can’t have that happen to any of you. I love all of you a lot, regardless if it’s romantic or platonic, and if anything happened to you guys because of me, I wouldn’t know how to live with myself.”

“None of us need protection, Sunoo hyung. We’re all strong,” Ni-ki comments as he flexes his bicep. 

“You know I don’t mean physical strength and protection, Ni-ki. I just…I just want you guys to be safe. To not have to think about the same things that I do, to not have to think about my life being on the line. I just…” he trails off slowly and stares up at the ceiling, eyes boring into the ceiling.

“Thank you for clearing it up with us, Sunoo-ya. I was really hurt at first, but I also guess I understand where you’re coming from. But I just want to remind you that we’ll get through this together. Don’t burden yourself with thinking about our safety because we can also look out for ourselves. Have some more faith in your members, alright?” Sunoo sniffles and they sit there in silence for a bit, letting their discussion sink in.

“Sunoo hyung, I have a question,” Ni-ki pipes up, and Sunoo just motions to continue.

“Did you actually like me? Or did you just think I was cute?” Sunoo flushes.

“Um. Can I abstain from answering the question? Because that’s what I would like to do.”

“It’s okay,” Ni-ki replies, shrugging. “It was mostly me being a horny teenager, and you were one of the only ones who went along with my shenanigans so I think I kind of latched onto you. Sorry if I made you worry too much, hyung. Or if I ever made you uncomfortable,” Sunoo waves his hand and just reaches out to ruffle Ni-ki’s hair, who just shoots him a smile and then leaves the room with a shout of, “I call playing against the winner!”

“Sunghoon hyung? Are you not going to ask?”

“Maybe not about that but I have a question anyway. I’m hot, right? Like, we can all agree that I’m hot?”

“Duh? Do you think I would have done all that publicly on I-Land if I didn’t think you were?”

“Sweet. I’m gonna go rub it in Jay’s face that you think I’m hot!” he exclaims and runs out of the bedroom.

“For the record, Jay hyung is pretty hot too,” Sunoo murmurs and then it’s awkwardly silent. Now it’s just Jungwon and him in the room, and Jungwon isn’t really sure where to start or what he wants to say. Did you really love me? Can’t I protect you? Can’t we still do things here? You like me, right? Can’t we ask for help? 

“Jungwon-ah?” Sunoo asks hesitantly, and Jungwon snaps out of his daze. 

“Hyung,” is the only thing he can say.

“I’m sorry, Jungwon-ah. I avoided you for too long. I know I hurt you a lot.” Jungwon just shakes his head.

“I understand it now. Did you really actually like Ni-ki and Sunghoon enough that you were considering dating them?”

“I liked them then. But now when I think about it, I’m not sure if it would have worked out.” And then the room is enveloped with silence again.

“Hyung.”

“Hmm?”

“I still want to be with you.” Sunoo turns to him, perplexed. His eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Jungwon, did you not just- did you not understand anything I just said? We can’t. I’m not going to let anyone get hurt. Especially not you.”

“We can. I love you. Didn’t you say you love me too? Even if you didn’t, you kissed me back all those times so you must have liked me enough. We’ll be careful. I can protect you too.”

“I do love you Jungwon. More than you can probably tell. But we can’t be in a relationship. We can’t date each other and come out of it the same people we were before. Especially with us being idols.”

“You don’t know that. We could try. We could keep it low-key, only in the dorms. We can tell the rest of the members and they’ll help cover for us,” Jungwon presses.

“And what about sasaengs, Jungwon? What if we’re inside our dorm, doing something risky, and they see us? Do you think anyone in Enhypen will be safe after that? It’s not worth hurting everyone else. Please understand. I’m sorry, Jungwon-ah,” Sunoo says remorsefully and leaves the room, softly shutting the door.

He should have heeded Ni-ki’s warning. 

—

“Alrighty, intervention part two!” Jay says a couple of weeks later, attempting to drag Jungwon out of bed. Ever since Sunoo “rejected” him, he’s been nothing but sluggish and lazy and an overall mess. He sniffs his hoodie- oh gross. It really needs a wash. 

“Up, up, Jungwon. We need to talk. Properly.”

“No,” he mumbles into his pillow, “I don’t want to talk to anyone. Let me just wallow in my self-pity and be annoyed at the world for being so cruel to us!” 

“Sunoo’s the one gathering us. Please, Jungwon. It’ll be good for you too,” Jake coaxes and Jungwon forces himself to stand up and get out of bed. “And when we’re done, please take a shower, for the love of god.” Jungwon trudges out of bed, dragging his socked feet across the floor and joining the makeshift floor circle in the living room.

“What.” he snaps when he’s sitting on the floor. They all look at him in pity and he purses his lips, annoyed.

“Look. I get it. You all are weirded out because I’m acting childish, not very much like a leader or whatever. But I’m still a kid. I’m only 18. And I’m still sad. Just let me be. Please,” he begs and goes back into the bedroom, locking the door so no one can disturb him.

“I’m gonna go talk to him. He’s like this because of me, anyway,” Sunoo announces and knocks on the bedroom door. Jungwon ignores it and only sniffles.

“Jungwon-ah, please. I want to talk to you about this properly.”

“Go away, hyung. I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“Will you talk to me instead, Jungwon-ah?” Jake asks, and they hear some shuffling on the other side of the door. Jungwon glares at all of them, and then takes Sunoo’s hand and pulls him into the room.

“I’m locking it. All of you leave. No eavesdropping,” Jungwon commands and the other boys all make a beeline for the living room, turning on the gaming system and drowning out the conversation with the sounds of FIFA and their cheering.

Jungwon drags Sunoo to the bed, and they sit next to each other, very similar to the way they sat when Jungwon first asked to kiss Sunoo. 

This is different though. They’re not doing that anymore. It’s over.

“Jungwon-ah, please. We need to talk about this.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, hyung! You made your choice already.”

“It’s for the best. I’m protecting all of us, Jungwon. Why don’t you understand that?” 

Jungwon scoffs. 

“You’re not protecting us at all, hyung. You’re just making yourself inaccessible. You’re just pushing us all away when we can help you. We’re all capable of taking care of ourselves. Trust us. Trust your members, we’re a team, and we’re supposed to work together. You’re not meant to shoulder any of these burdens alone. We can protect us. It doesn’t need to be only you. I don’t want you to sacrifice your happiness for us, please. That’s never something I’ve wanted from you.” Sunoo stays silent. He doesn’t know how to respond.

“You know, hyung, you’re the first person that I ever confessed to. By saying, ‘I love you.’ It was new and scary for me, because for me that means an ultimate commitment, something I mean with every fiber of my being. But that’s how a lot of these things are. Not everything is known to the world, sometimes you need to see other perspectives, cross a few lines. And you will honestly never know until you let yourself go a little bit.”

“...I never doubted your feelings for me, Jungwon-ah. And I hope you understand that I love you too-” Jungwon opens his mouth to protest, to say “not in the way I do” but Sunoo hushes him “-in the same way that you feel about me. I mean it. I really do. I’ve loved you like that for a long long time, Jungwon, and I always wanted to tell you but I’ve just been so scared of everything that we ended up fooling around a lot more and it all led to this.” Jungwon grabs Sunoo’s hand, and Sunoo looks up to see a light blush on Jungwon’s face.

“Don’t…don’t apologize for the fooling around stuff. Um, I still enjoyed it. And I figured that if you were reciprocating my advances that much, you must have liked me to some extent…” Sunoo reaches over to pinch Jungwon’s cheek before his expression turns serious again. He flops onto the bed, and Jungwon does the same. They make eye contact and Jungwon brushes a stray bang out of Sunoo’s eyes. 

“Jungwon-ah.”

“Yeah?”

“How can we just be?”

“What do you mean?”

“That day, you said you just wanted to be together. Be with me. Not think about anything else. Do you think we can really do that?” Jungwon hums.

“Why can’t we? We’re already something on our own. This just means we’re something else together. For us to assume that we can go on without any consequences is immature and faulty, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t also try to exist this way. Just let gravity pull you in whichever direction. You’ll always fall back to the ground.” Sunoo nods and he intertwines their fingers.

“Sunoo hyung, do you trust me?” Jungwon asks softly.

“I do.”

“Then let’s give this a try. We’ll figure it out as we go. I’ll tell the management team about us so that they can be prepared for any situation, outside or inside. We can also talk to the rest of the members and ask them to support us. I’ll try not to draw as much attention to us. You tell me what you want me to do and what makes you comfortable, hyung. I just want to exist next to you and be able to love you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” Sunoo bites his lip as he considers Jungwon’s proposal.

“Okay, Jungwon-ah. Let’s give us a try.” 

Sunoo reaches for Jungwon’s head and gently unties the hoodie strings, pulling the hood off of his messy and unwashed hair.

“Hyung- please. I’m a mess. I haven’t washed my hair in days.”

“I don’t care. I love you no matter how you are,” Sunoo mutters, and he presses a kiss to Jungwon’s lips. 

—

(Telling their management team goes smoother than they expected.

“We thought that at some point, some of you would end up dating each other. PD-nim told us it’s highly likely, so don’t worry. We have protocol in place for this, and we can make it work,” the managers tell them when Sunoo and Jungwon call a meeting with all the members and the rest of the team.

Jungwon grabs Sunoo’s hand and holds it over the table, pleased. Sunoo squeezes it in return, his eyes crinkling in pure and genuine happiness.

"Thanks, Jungwon-ah."

"For what?"

"For loving me. For trusting me."

"There's no way I could not love you, Sunoo-hyung. I promise.")