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He was out of reach.
Eren told himself that the day he realized he had fallen for the boy.
They were young. And when you’re young and carefree, without a worry in the world, you’re told you couldn’t possibly know what love was. But Eren knew. Eren knew what love was. He thought he knew.
He knew there was the love of a mother. The love of a mother who baked you cookies on bad days and tucked you in at night when you were scared, fearing the monster that lived in your closet. A mother that gave you kisses on the cheek to embarrass you in front of your friends and hugs to keep you warm on cold days.
He knew there was the love of a father. The love of a father who awoke early every morning in order to support his family, ruffled your hair and teased you over silly things only a child had to worry about. A father that taught you how to play catch and placed band-aids on the cuts you’d receive from playing rough.
He knew the love of a friend. A friend you could rant to for hours on end about something that troubled you, a friend that gave you advice and stood against these troubles alongside you. A friend you could rely on, share the best moments of your life with, someone that would be at your side—and you at theirs—during the roughest of times.
He knew about love. He knew about the love of a mother, a father, a friend.
But he didn’t know about this love. He didn’t know about the pain it brought, the aching, the yearning. He didn’t know.
Eren never thought about the love a partner could bring. He’d seen it with his parents, sure, and often wondered what it was like, and why everyone longed for it even as they grew old. Why want something that could bring you so much hurt in the end?
He didn’t understand. There were a lot of things he didn’t understand.
They were young. Far too young when he did, finally, understand.
Watching then, as the sun gently set itself on the horizon, a beautiful painting being laid out in various hues of orange and purple, Armin smiling at him as he placed a flower crown atop his head, he understood.
How unfortunate it was that he understood.
He understood that Armin was just too good for him, too out of reach, that he had already fed far too much off of Armin’s kindness, that he would eventually snuff it out. He feared that, as they grew older, Armin harbored feelings for him as well, and that if he did, there would be no stopping him from wanting to keep that kindness for himself.
He couldn’t live with himself if he did.
So he didn’t.
*
“I realized I’m just… not in love with you anymore.”
Looking at her then, the gentle glow of the restaurant, the faint sound of cutlery against dinner plates, the soft ambiance of the room, he knew she’d meant what she said.
It was late, he’d gotten her a cab ride home, and now, as it began to lightly pour, he trudged through the rain in search of a smile. A smile that… he could never get tired of.
He’d lost all sense of time, all sense of where he was going and why he was cold, what had happened to the flutter in his heart and where it had gone—why it kept returning. His feet felt heavier after every step he took, thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he slipped out of his shoes.
His shirt began to feel heavy as well, but his arms felt like stone, the shirt now a second skin due to the rain; it would be too painful to peel off.
Mikasa had given him this shirt.
The Rain gently taps his shoulder, coming down slowly.
Hey, The Rain is hesitant to continue, Where are we going?
Eren doesn’t ignore the Rain, but just shrugs his shoulders.
It gently patters the sidewalk alongside him, an uneasy drum playing in his ears, nervous to press on. It doesn’t. The drum stops.
How was it possible to… fall out of love with someone? If you’d already fallen in love, how can you fall out?
He couldn’t fathom the idea—falling out of love. He couldn’t wrap his head around why someone he loved so dearly, someone who’d love him just as much back… would leave him trudging in the rain late at night, in search of an unbroken heart, in search of his best friend.
The drum suddenly continues.
An unbroken heart? It questions, Are you sure about that?
The Rain is kind, but it is also persistent, and annoyingly so. He ignores the Rain this time.
What was once a gentle sprinkle is now a heavy downpour. The drum stops. He must be going crazy.
It didn’t matter anyway. She was gone , and she was never coming back. All he had left was the Sun. The Rain was persistent, annoyingly so, but kind. And the Moon… well, the Moon had broken his heart, and now he couldn’t even bear to look at her.
And the Sun… the Sun was beautiful. How was he not? He brought such genuine smiles to others faces, he kept those around him intrigued by his thoughtful nature, so intrigued that they fed off of his endless warmth.
Eren wondered if he was in love with anyone.
Sometimes he worried if he’d ever clouded such beauty, that if he was selfish in wanting to keep that all for himself, to share with the Sun a beauty that was rare to the world. To create a beauty of their own. A love of their own.
If only it was the Sun wasn’t so out of reach, maybe he’d have a chance. Maybe it wouldn’t have been the Moon to break his heart, but the Sun to ensnare it, and treat it with care. With love.
“Eren?”
Oh, how had he gotten here?
“Where… where are your shoes?”
Where were his shoes?
He sat on the doorstep of Armin’s small home in the pouring rain, shoes having been lost on the way there, and rain now soaking through his clothing.
“I don’t know,” he replied.
Armin stepped out into the rain, leaving his door open to retrieve Eren and quickly escort him inside. Once closing the door, he instructed Eren to strip himself of his clothes while he sought out towels to dry him off with. Doing as he was told, he hissed when peeling the shirt away from his skin.
Armin had returned, three towels in hand, one now being thrown over Eren’s head, another draped over his shoulders, the last being placed in his hands.
“Why were you out in the rain?” Armin asked, beginning to dry the hair atop Eren’s head, “You could catch a cold, y’know,” he mumbled.
“What about you?”
Armin didn’t meet his eyes.
“What about me?”
“You were out in the rain too,” Eren draped the towel he held over Armin’s shoulders as well.
“Eren,” Armin huffed, “You weren’t wearing any shoes, and I didn’t see you arrive in a cab. Did something happen with Mikasa?”
Oh, right. Mikasa.
“Armin, are you in love with anyone?”
Armin met his gaze in a startled glance, the tips of his ear—otherwise hidden by his hair—burning red at the sudden question. It took him a moment to respond.
“What does that have to do with why you were standing in the rain?”
He finally stepped away, letting the towel fall to the ground to sop up what water they’d brought inside. Gathering the shirt Eren had hung from his forearm, then the dress pants he’d shed onto the floor, as well as the socks he’d walked in with no shoes.
“I’m gonna go throw these in the dryer.” he stood, giving Eren a gentle smile, “I’ll be back with clothes you’ve left over here, then you can change out of your boxers.”
Armin left to do as he said, waiting for no response from Eren.
He busied himself with drying the rest of what was drenched, feeling strangely vulnerable in just his undergarments. Armin returned once more, this time with clothes for Eren to change into.
“You know where the bathroom is,” Armin said, placing the clothes in Eren’s hands—just as he did with the towel.
“Right.”
He then found Armin in the kitchen, leaning against the counter as water boiled in the tea kettle.
“You never answered my question, y’know,” he said, eyes still kept on the tile floor.
“You never answered mine, either,” Eren countered.
Armin ignored him, turning his back where he stood and reaching for a mug that sat unused in his cabinet, then nabbing another.
“What kind of tea would you like?”
Eren stepped into the kitchen, leaning himself against the counter beside Armin.
“Green.”
Armin chuckled.
“So weird,” he muttered under his breath.
They sat in comfortable silence as Armin prepared the tea—green for Eren, and chamomile for Armin—pouring the boiling water into their mugs where the tea bags now seeped.
“You gonna tell me what happened?” Armin asked.
Eren sighed, “She said she’s… not in love with me anymore.”
His blood ran cold. Hearing himself say it out loud, hearing those words slip past his lips and hang in the air for Armin to see, made it all too real. He was a single man. A single man for the first time since high school. All those years… all those years wasted, when they could have been investing in an entirely other person.
“Oh,” Armin had said, but Eren’s ears had gone numb to the reply.
The Rain continued to pour, thrumming in his ears.
“I’m… Did—” Armin hesitated, as if troubled by his thoughts, “Did she break up with you?”
"Yeah.”
They both went still.
“I just—” he slumped down onto the floor, “I always imagined I’d settle with Mikasa, that I’d be happy with her and she’d be happy with me… but I guess life has other plans.”
Armin shifted a bit uncomfortably, continuing to stand as he turned his face away from Eren’s.
“Y’know,” Armin said—he couldn’t take it anymore, “There are always other options… other people to find and fall in love with.”
“Yeah?” Eren scoffed, “Like who?”
There was a single beat of silence.
“Me.”
A drum began to play, only it was echoed.
An unbroken heart? The Rain had questioned, Are you sure about that?