Chapter Text
Edward is fine.
Stede has been back for a few months now, and after a lot of yelling, fighting, and tears, things seem to finally be alright. The crew is back together, Ed and Stede have resumed their co-captaincy, and they’re working on replacing all of Stede’s things that Ed threw away. Even Frenchie and Lucius have stopped flinching when Ed comes into the room—Jim might’ve even smiled at him the other day.
Edward is fine and happy and his life is perfect.
Except for one thing.
He and Stede still haven’t had sex.
And it’s not that Ed thinks that they need to have sex, or anything. Whatever Stede wants, Ed wants too. If he knew Stede didn’t want to have sex, he’d just do his best to stop thinking about it. He never thought he’d be the kind of person to get (or deserve) slow, sweet morning kisses, and falling asleep in a tangle of limbs, and whispered words of affection. Having all of that, having it with Stede, was more than he’d ever dreamed was possible.
But when they do kiss… Ed thinks about Stede in his lap, Stede’s hands on his face and tangled in his hair. Stede panting into his mouth. It seems like Stede wants Ed the same way he wants Stede. And yet…
It happens again, that night in their quarters. Stede has finished the crew’s bedtime story and they’ve returned to their rooms for their usual nightcap, which so often (as it has tonight) turns into something more physical. Stede straddles him, handfuls of Ed's shirt clenched in his fists as he explores Ed’s mouth. Ed moans as Stede's tongue slides over his bottom lip, dizzy with arousal and the feeling of Stede pushing against him. He begins to slide his hands under Stede’s shirt when the other man pulls away.
“Well, I think it’s time for bed!” Stede says brightly, with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“But—” Ed is baffled (and horny), mind racing to catch up with the suddenly shifting gears.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted, and we’ve got a big day tomorrow,” Stede babbles. “Ships to raid, courses to chart, need to figure out why Olu and Pete aren’t talking to each other again—”
“Stede,” Ed interrupts him.
“Yes, dear?” Stede asks, as he picks up his nightshirt and heads towards the bathroom to get changed.
Okay, Edward. Don’t fuck this up. Be cool. Be… delicate, Ed thinks to himself.
Out loud he says, “Why haven’t we fucked yet?”
Whoops.
Stede’s face falls, and Ed scrambles to clarify. “It's not like I’m not happy! I’m the happiest I’ve been in… maybe ever? Probably ever. I like kissing you and stuff, and it seems like you really like it too, but then whenever things start getting intense you just shut down, mate. And I dunno what to do.”
Stede hasn’t spoken, but he hasn’t left either. Ed plows on. “If you don’t want to go any further than this, ever, that’s cool. I’m still gonna be here. I just wanna know.” And maybe stop wanking myself into a stupor thinking about you pinning me down and fucking me into the mattress.
Stede sinks down on the bed, nightshirt clutched tightly in his hands. “I… haven’t been entirely honest with you,” he says, avoiding eye contact.
“If you’re about to tell me you’re married, it’s a little late for that, mate,” Edward says, trying to lighten the mood, but Stede doesn’t smile.
“It’s about… my body,” Stede begins, clearly searching desperately for the right words. “I’m not like other men.”
“Fucking right,” Ed says. Stede looks at him, and there’s fear, actual fear in his eyes. “Whatever it is, I love you. Just tell me.”
Stede looks away, taking a deep breath. “I… wasn’t born as a boy,” he says in a rush. “I’m… I was born as a girl. I’ve been lying to you about who I was this whole time, and I was scared to tell you because I wasn’t sure if you’d look at me differently, or want me the same way, then I got in too deep, and loved you too much, and I never told you because I didn’t want this to end, and…” he trails off, glancing up at Ed from under his lashes, then shying away from meeting his eyes as if scared of what he might see there.
Ed leans back. Of all the things Stede could’ve told him, this wasn’t one that he was expecting. He’d been prepared for Stede to stammer something about inexperience and wanting to wait, or to say that he wasn’t interested in sex at all. In Ed’s worst moments, he imagines a curled lip and a sneer, because Ed is too dirty, too rough, too unrefined for Stede to want him that way. Of all the things Stede could’ve said, this is actually one of the easiest to deal with.
“Right,” he says with a nod. “That it?”
Stede stares at him. “Ed, I'm not sure you understand what I’m telling you. I’m—”
Ed cuts him off. “Yeah, no. I get it. Not the first man I’ve met who was called a girl when he was a lad. Probably won’t be the last. There’s more of you out here than you’d think.”
Stede is speechless. If the situation wasn’t so fraught, Ed would almost consider teasing him about it. After all, how often is the Gentleman Pirate at a loss for words?
“Then you don’t—” Stede begins, “you aren’t—”
Ed shakes his head. “Whatever you’re about to ask, mate, the answer is no. I don’t, and I’m not. Doesn’t change a thing, as far as I’m concerned. Not unless you want it to, anyway.”
Stede looks almost annoyed. "How are you so… okay with this? I expected you to be upset, feel betrayed. At the very least be surprised!"
"Would you feel better if I was? I can be. I can say 'oh my god Stede, I can't believe it! I never would've expected it! This changes everything!'" He shrugs. "But it doesn't. I've…" he pauses, he and Stede haven't really talked about Ed's sexual history. "I've been with men like you before, a few times. Never mattered to me."
"But surely you must have questions, at least!"
"None that can't be answered later. Or never, if you don't want to."
"Does that mean… you still feel the same way?" Stede asks, and Ed's heart hurts at the desperate hope he sees in Stede's eyes. As if he was really expecting Ed to turn him away. "You still… want me?"
Ed meets his gaze steadily. "More than I've ever wanted anyone in the world."
"You should know that I've never been with anyone. Not… carnally." Stede looks ashamed, like he's admitting some kind of guilty secret.
God, no one but Stede Bonnet could make the word "carnally" sound sexy. Or maybe that's just how badly Edward needs him. "Don't care," Ed responds. He goes over to him, tugs the nightshirt out of Stede's still clenched hands.
Stede looks away. “I just… I don’t want you to be disappointed. I’ve disappointed so many people in my life, but none of them meant as much to me as you.”
“Hey.” Ed takes Stede’s face in his hands, tilting the other man’s chin up to meet his gaze. “I’d never be disappointed by you. Don’t think you could disappoint me if you fucking tried.”
Stede gives him a weak smile. “Promise?”
Ed smiles back, thumb brushing Stede’s cheek. “Promise.”
Ed sits on the bed beside Stede, who looks back at him, brow still creased in spite of Ed’s reassurances. He brushes Stede’s hair out of his face and cradles the back of his neck, pressing soft kisses onto each of his cheeks, on the slight crows feet at the corners of his eyes, across his forehead. Only when Stede begins to relax does Ed seek out his mouth, Stede’s lips parting to accommodate Ed’s probing tongue. He pulls Stede’s lower lip between his teeth, and is rewarded with a soft moan. When he slides his hands under Stede’s shirt, Stede tenses momentarily, then lets out a ragged sigh as he forces himself to relax, leaning into Ed’s touch.
Ed tugs Stede’s shirt over his head, letting it fall to the floor. Stede makes a noise of protest, so Ed picks it up and drapes it over the back of a chair, smiling fondly at Stede’s single-mindedness when it comes to his clothing. Turning back, he runs his hands gently over Stede’s chest, fingertips finding the faintest of scars under Stede’s pecs.
“Can’t believe I never noticed these before,” he mutters.
Stede reaches up to cover himself self-consciously. “My father got me the finest medical care money could buy,” Stede says with a grim smile. “Nothing but the best for the heir to the Bonnet name.”
Ed pushes his hands away. “Don’t,” he whispers. “Don’t hide like that. You’re fucking gorgeous.” Stede blushes, but gives Ed a smile that lights up the room, and Ed’s heart is suddenly too big for his chest. Leaning forward, he kisses his way down Stede’s neck, hearing Stede’s breath catching in his throat. Ed smiles to himself as Stede’s hands once again tangle themselves in his shirt. He nips lightly at his collarbone, drawing a desperate whimper from Stede that he’s never heard before, and fuck if he could bottle that sound to listen to it every day, he would.
Edward takes his time exploring Stede’s body, running his hands over soft skin, letting his mouth wander in their wake, intoxicated by the smell and taste of the man he loves. Stede is panting now, interrupting Ed’s exploration to pull him up into increasingly fervent kisses, tongue exploring Edward’s mouth more courageously and confidently than ever before. Ed likes this new side of Stede, that wants just as much as he does. He briefly allows himself to imagine more of this, of Stede taking charge. Stede straddling him, pushing him back on the bed. Stede’s hands around his wrists, or his throat. Being helpless beneath him, desperate and at his mercy. Ed’s hard inside his leathers, cock twitching at each new sound that escapes Stede, but tonight isn’t about him. Besides, Edward wouldn’t know how to begin to ask for everything he wants.
He reaches for the laces of Stede’s breeches, only for Stede to pull away again. Ed freezes, worried he’s fucked up.
“Thought you wanted—” he begins.
“I… I do,” Stede says miserably. “Darling, I do want this, I want you. But I’ve spent my whole life trying to pretend this isn’t part of me. Everyone who’s ever known about my… condition… has wished I could be normal. I wish I could be normal—”
Edward wraps one arm around Stede’s waist, pulling him close and kissing him hard, as if he could erase all the years of feeling like he needed to be someone, something other than he was.
“Don’t you fucking dare,” Ed growls. “Nothing’s wrong with you. The only thing that isn't normal about you is how fucking hot you are.” Stede smiles weakly, but still won’t make eye contact. Ed decides to try another tactic. “Listen mate, I won’t have you talk that way about my boyfriend. Don’t you know who I am? I’m motherfucking Blackbeard. I’ve had people killed for less.”
That startles a laugh out of Stede, and Ed uses the momentary distraction to twist them both around so Stede (who makes a small noise that could maybe be called a squeak) is lying flat on his back, with Edward on top of him.
Stede’s body arches up against him instinctively as Ed's mouth finds his throat again, and Ed grinds down against him, groaning at the blessed friction.
"Look, love," he murmurs into Stede's neck between kisses, "I never want you to do anything you don't wanna do." His mouth travels lower down Stede's chest and across his stomach, and is pleased to see the other man's knuckles whiten as he grips the sheets. He stops above the band of Stede's breeches, letting his hot breath play across Stede’s skin, raising goosebumps. Looking up, he meets Stede's eyes, wide and dark with desire. "If this is what you want, you’re going to have to tell me." He punctuates his point by nuzzling into the trail of hair disappearing underneath the fabric.
"Yes," gasps Stede, hands scrabbling at the laces as if he can't untie them fast enough. "My god, Ed. Yes!"
Ed chuckles and sits back on his heels, helping Stede extricate himself from the offending garment. He goes to fold the breeches as well, but Stede tosses them out of his hands onto the floor. Ed raises an eyebrow, mouth twisting in a smirk. He knew he was good, but he didn't know he was that good.
He takes a moment to soak in the view of Stede lying gloriously naked in front of him, chest rising and falling as Stede breathes heavily. New muscles from the last couple months at sea, expanses of pale skin dusted with light freckles, and between his legs a beautiful patch of blonde curls, slightly darker than the hair on his head. Ed is almost overcome with the desire to bury his face in it, to take in the scent and feel of this wonderful, beautiful man that he loves so deeply.
But Stede is looking at him, brow creased with worry again. "Is this… are you…?" he asks Ed falteringly.
"Yes," Ed answers immediately, pressing a finger to Stede's lips. “You're so fucking gorgeous, I never want to stop looking at you. Might never let you put clothes on again."
"I'm not sure that would be fitting for a pirate captain," Stede replies with a smile. His tone is light, but his eyes are suspiciously shiny. "What would the crew say?"
"They'd say, 'Fuck our co-captain is sexy, glad we're working for him' if they have any sense," Ed replies with a grin, lowering himself to lie beside Stede.
"I'm quite sure they already say that about you, my de—" Stede stops with a gasp as Ed trails his fingertips up the inside of Stede's thigh. Stede shivers under Ed’s touch, and as his hand moves higher, brushing over sensitive skin and reaching curling hair, Stede whimpers and clutches at Ed, seeking more.
Ed pauses, giving Stede a moment to stop him if he wants. “Edward Teach, if you don’t touch me right now—” Stede begins, yanking Ed closer by the front of his shirt, and Ed is briefly seized by a vision of Stede dragging him back to the captain’s cabin to have his way with him, before he interrupts Stede with a kiss.
“Just making sure,” he murmurs against Stede’s lips, and slides his hand between Stede’s legs. He’s gratified to see how wet Stede is already, and knowing that this reaction is because of him, for him, makes his already hard cock give another twitch, but he resolutely ignores it. Just the barest brush of his fingertips makes Stede’s back arch even higher, and he lets out a strangled cry, eyelids fluttering shut. Ed is a little disappointed to see Stede choke back the beautiful noises he’s making, and wonders if that’s yet another result of years of silence and shame. Ed resolves to do whatever he can to break that silence, and he doesn’t care if the entire crew hears the result.
“Fuck, I love the way you sound,” Ed whispers in Stede’s ear, trying to encourage more with a grazing of teeth across his ear lobe that provokes a sharp intake of breath. “It’s so fucking sexy. You’re so fucking sexy.” Stede lets out a low moan at Edward’s words, and Ed makes a mental note to compliment him more often. “The noises you make when I touch your—”
Ed stops suddenly. Stede’s eyes fly open and he stares at Ed, and though there is a flit of panic in his gaze, he looks delicious, all dishevelled and panting.
“What do you want me to call it?” Ed asks.
“What?” Stede is clearly trying desperately to make his brain work enough to follow the conversation, and coming up short.
“When I talk about how good you sound when I touch you.” Ed’s eyes flick down to where his hand still rests, then back up at Stede. “What should I say?”
"I—I don't know," Stede flushes with embarrassment. "Honestly, I've tried to think about it as little as possible. I've certainly never talked about it."
Ed shrugs, giving Stede a reassuring smile. "'s fine, we don't have to call it anything."
Stede pauses. "What do... other people call it?"
"Most women I've met call it a clit, but not all of ‘em. People in your... situation, some of them call it that too. Some call it a cock, or a dick."
"I was under the impression that was just used to refer to a man's—"
"Right," Ed cuts him off. "And you're a man. So?"
"I think..." Stede falters. "I think 'cock' would be nice."
"Nice?" Ed echoes, leaning back in with a smirk. "Then let's see how nice that cock can make you feel, hmm?" Stede gives a little whimper that gives way to a deep moan as Ed’s hand resumes its motion.
Ed forces himself to go slowly, maybe too slowly if Stede’s increasing squirming is any indication. He’s simultaneously angry and proud; angry that no one has ever touched Stede like this, to make him feel good, or even wanted. At the same time, a small, selfish part of him is pleased that he gets to be Stede’s first. If all goes according to plan (and he’s fairly confident in his abilities), he’ll be the first person to make Stede come. Ed can’t imagine a greater privilege than that.
He wonders idly to himself if Stede has ever touched himself like this. He pictures Stede lying back on this bed, hand between his own legs, panting in short, sharp breaths. God, Ed would give anything to watch that. Look, but don’t touch, Stede would say, and Ed would be on his knees in an instant. He considers asking if Stede has done it, and if he ever thought about Ed when he did, but the high pitched noises coming from the back of Stede’s throat tell him that if he stops for conversation again, Stede might just kill him.
"God, Ed," Stede whispers, as if on cue, and Ed shivers just hearing his name coming from Stede's lips, in that voice. "That feels… Fuck. You're so good to me, so beautiful, so perfect… My love. My heart. My finest thing." Ed presses his forehead against Stede's chest, willing himself to keep it together. The intensity of Stede's love, the words spilling out of him that Ed feels he barely deserves, it's almost too much. He realizes, beyond a shadow of a doubt, more sure than he's ever been of anything in his life, that he'll belong to Stede until the day he dies.
Ed fights down the cresting wave of emotion, does his best to make himself focus, turning all his attention to making Stede feel good. It's the least he can do, to be worthy of his love. If he can bring Stede pleasure, make him need Ed half as much as Ed needs him, it'll be enough.
And it seems like it is. When he gently squeezes Stede’s cock between two fingers, Stede gasps like he’s been punched, and when his fingertips find Stede’s hole, unbelievably slick and wet and welcoming, Stede’s body arches up to meet him, fists clenched white-knuckled in the sheets.
His mouth finds Stede’s neck again, running his tongue up to Stede’s ear. “This okay?” he asks, pressing ever so gently against Stede’s entrance, fingers moving in slow, teasing circles.
“Mmmm?” It takes Stede a moment to register that Ed has spoken to him at all, and another to process the words. “Mmhmm,” he adds, nodding shakily.
That’s all the prompting Ed needs to slide a finger into Stede, moving slowly. The warmth and wetness is almost too much for him, and he lets out a soft moan of his own, imagining himself sinking into Stede up to the hilt, feeling Stede on top of him, Stede’s hands on his wrists grounding him, being truly one in a way he barely ever dared to dream of.
Stede’s eyes are wide and dark with pleasure, and he’s biting his lip to keep quiet. Ed can’t bear to see that much restraint from a man so beautiful, so he curls a finger up and Stede cries out, and fuck if it isn’t the most beautiful sound Ed has ever heard. He starts moving his hand, fucking Stede slow and deep, thumb rubbing light circles across Stede’s cock. Soon Stede is rocking his hips back against Ed’s hand, and when Ed’s pace doesn’t change he lets out a sound halfway between a whimper and a growl which sends shivers down Ed’s spine. Ed chases the sound with a kiss.
Stede kisses back, rougher than Ed’s felt from him before, grabbing the back of Ed’s head with one hand while the other grips his arm hard enough, Ed hopes, to bruise. “More,” Stede breathes into his mouth, and it almost sounds like a command in a way that definitely does something that Ed wasn’t prepared for.
All thoughts of making this long and slow, of teasing Stede until he’s whimpering and begging, fly out of Ed’s head as he slides a second finger inside Stede to join the first, fucking him harder and faster. Stede’s head falls back to the pillow as he lets out a strangled “Oh fuck,” and Ed is probably more turned on than he has any right to be, with his cock still untouched inside his pants. He’s suddenly seized with a sudden desire, no, a need to taste him, to feel Stede’s cock twitch under his tongue as he comes. He leaves a trail of wet, messy kisses down Stede’s side, managing to barely interrupt the rhythm he’s setting, finally grazing his teeth across Stede’s hipbone and feeling him clench around his fingers. He nuzzles into the soft curls between Stede’s legs, and Stede gasps. Looking up, Ed meets his eyes, hooded and unfocused with pleasure. “Ed, what—oh fuck, what are you—”
“Want to taste you,” Ed murmurs against Stede’s inner thigh. “Want to get your cock in my mouth.”
At that, Stede makes that sound again, that growl, tangling his fingers in Ed’s hair. “Then do it,” he whispers, tightening his grip in a way that makes Ed momentarily lightheaded with arousal. He needs no further invitation. His tongue finds Stede’s cock immediately, the briefest flick across Stede’s head drawing forth another cry, and he can’t hold back any longer. Enveloping Stede’s cock with his mouth, he sucks and is rewarded with a shout. That’s it, Ed thinks to himself smugly, Let them listen. But there’s not much time for smugness, with Stede pressing up hard against his mouth and making noises Ed couldn’t have imagined; gasps and moans and strangled cursing that sound simultaneously filthy and so right coming out of his mouth.
Ed buries his face deeper so that he can barely breathe, and imagines the weight of Stede sitting on his face, grinding down onto him, and thinks to himself that maybe that’s how he wants to die. He realizes that he’s been moving his own hips, rutting against the bed like he’s a teenager again, and he can feel an orgasm building with just that barest of friction. He forces himself to slow down, not wanting to finish before Stede. Fortunately, that feels not too far off, with Stede’s noises getting higher pitched and more frantic, clenching around Ed’s fingers. Ed realizes that the noises are his name—
“Ed, Ed, Ed, oh god, Ed—”
—and then Stede’s hips buck and his fingers tighten in Ed’s hair hard enough to hurt, and the two combined are enough to push Ed over the edge as well, Stede’s cries covering his own shuddering moan as he fucks Stede through his climax.
Finally, Stede’s muscles relax, his hand unclenching from Ed’s hair, and he twitches away from Ed’s mouth. Ed looks up at Stede, red faced and panting, with his hair a mess, and feels a fierce surge of love and pride flow through him. This man, this beautiful, amazing man that Ed loves more deeply than he’ll ever be able to say, trusted Ed enough to let him do this. Even if Ed hadn’t come, this moment would’ve been enough. Even if their sex life never goes further than this, he’ll be happy. (Besides, whispers an insidious voice in the back of his head, How do you think Stede would feel about the things you really want?)
Stede’s voice snaps Ed out of it. "That was…" Stede once again seems at a loss for words. Twice in one night, Ed thinks to himself. Must be some kind of a record.
"I'm glad." Ed pulls him into a kiss, feeling Stede hum with pleased surprise as he tastes himself on Ed's lips.
Suddenly, Stede pulls back. "But what about you?" he asks. "Can I… do something? Reciprocate? I feel selfish, you making me feel this good and not doing anything in return."
Ed smiles at him, both touched and uncomfortably aware of the stickiness inside his pants. "I'm fine, love," he says. "Making you happy is enough." Coming in his pants virtually untouched makes him feel like he’s sixteen again, and it’s honestly hot as fuck, but he’s not sure he wants Stede to know. The risk of seeing discomfort—or worse, disgust—on his face keeps Ed silent.
Stede frowns. "Well, if you're sure… Next time, then."
Ed nods. "Next time. Now if you'll give me a sec…" he makes his uncomfortable way to the bathroom, cleaning himself up and changing into the loose cotton pants Stede gave him to sleep in.
When he comes back, Stede is sitting up in bed. "It's later now," he says, and Ed blinks at him. "You said I could answer questions later. It's later. What do you want to know?"
Ed thinks for a second. "Honestly? Whatever you want to tell me."
Stede, it turns out, wants to tell him everything. He tells Ed about how he always felt like a boy, how his father refused to acknowledge it until his mother died in childbirth, the baby that should have been the heir to the Bonnet name stillborn. "You still want to be a boy?" his father had growled at him, dirt still drying on their shoes from his mother's graveside. "Then you'll be a boy." At first Stede had been overjoyed, embracing the new clothes, the new name. Then his father's lessons had begun. "Teaching him to be a real man," his father had called it. The goose had been one such lesson. Throwing out his old "girl" toys, another. A vase shattered against a wall had stopped him bringing bouquets of wildflowers home. And at every turn, the names. "Weak. Soft. Lily-livered." Somehow, he never managed to stop being a disappointment.
Ed holds him tight, glad to have Stede's head tucked under his chin so Stede can't see the rage in his eyes. He knows from experience that family doesn’t mean love, or safety, or trust. He knows how cruel people can be. But the thought of someone treating Stede like that, his Stede… He can see though, even if Stede doesn’t bear the same physical marks from his upbringing that Ed does, the scars are still there. The Kraken whispers inside him for revenge, only barely sated when Stede mentions his father's passing some years earlier.
"That was after the wedding, of course," he adds. Ed does have some questions about that, and Stede explains that Mary had only found out the truth on their wedding night. That she had accepted his body but resented the lie. That they had taken vacations to visit his family in England twice, both times returning with a newborn child. Just another person to be disappointed by the man Stede Bonnet had become.
When Stede stops talking, they sit in silence, Ed's arms still around him. If Ed was like Stede, had read lots of books, gone to a fancy school, maybe he'd have the words to express how he feels. How amazing Stede is. How much he hates that no one has ever made Stede feel wanted. But he can't explain it, so he does the next best thing, tilting Stede's face up to meet his in a kiss. "You're a good man, Stede Bonnet," he whispers against his lips, and the way Stede kisses him back tells him that maybe those were the right words after all.