Chapter Text
"You're so soft and squishy, it's horrible." Karkat says as he runs his hands across your lovehandles.
"Karkat, stop, you're tickling me."
"I don't understand how your race can be okay with being this terrifying. It only further proves how inferior you are." He raises your shirt, continuing his inspection regardless of your protests. You're not even sure why you're letting him look at you like this. You guess it's just because you're really focused on your movie right now, but you're not exactly sure. You're mulling over stopping him entirely, but your train of thought is interrupted when he nonchalantly pinches your nipples.
"Ow! Karkat, what the fuck!?"
"What? Does this nub hurt? Do you have some sort of disease, John, what it this?"
"No, Karkat, that's a nipple."
"Oh... really? Why do you have one?" He suddenly recoils, but he doesn't move away. "You don't squirt milk, do you? Oh for fuck's sake don't let Equi--"
"NO! What? No! Karkat, just... stop!" You pull down your shirt and slap one of his hands away. "If you're going to be this weird about human anatomy just go awa--" He grabs your head by the hair mid-sentence and slams it into his lap, pulling up your shirt and inspecting your back.
"Shut up, I'm still looking." In a way you feel kind of complimented; you're impressed with yourself since he wants to look at you so much. In another way, you're bothered because now you can't see your movie at all. In fact, all you can see is Karkat's crotch.
Wait...
You suddenly realize that you're practically nosing Karkat's... okay, wow.
"Karkat..."
"Shoosh, nooksucker!"
"Karkat, get me out of your lap."
"What part of 'I'm still looking' don't you fucking understand?"
"But someone's going to walk by and think I'm giving you a blowjob or something!"
"'The fuck is that?" he asks, completely ignoring what you said by continuing but still showing interest by asking, you guess. He acts as if you had mentioned any normal thing he didn't know when, in reality, what you mentioned was entirely sexual. His sincerity was, in a way, incredibly hilarious. He didn't find it nearly as funny.
"Wait, you mean... you don't know? Like, really?" By now, he's let you out of his lap so you can explain yourself. His eyebrows furrow that way you know they do, and it's cute because you know he's getting pretty irritated.
"What in the everloving fuck are you talking about, John?" he says as he folds his arms--oh god, things are getting serious, aren't they? "Seriously, what's a blowjob?" You can't help but burst out in laughter again. The word itself isn't that funny, but when he says it he adds a funky accent to it and you see even more that he's completely serious. His eyes narrow and you decide that you owe him an explanation.
"Karkat... a blowjob is when someone--usually your, uh, mate...spurt...whatever, um, wow this is awkward, can you stop staring at me like that?"
"Just fucking tell me already before I gut you right here!"
"Okay, okay! Jeez. It's when like, someone performs oral on your, er... bulge."
"...Oral?"
"Oh my god Karkat whyyyy. When someone sucks it and licks it and stuff!" Karkat stares at you in complete silence. "...Karkat?" He suddenly reaches up and opens your mouth with his fingers, thanks Karkat your hands taste great.
"You guys can do that, can't you...? Your teeth aren't as sharp as ours..." You're a bit surprised that he's actually thinking about this and not just shrieking "WHAT YOU GUYS ARE ACTUALLY NOOKSUCKERS EW GET AWAY." Haha, yes. That is so Karkat. It actually just now occurs to you that Karkat doesn't even know what a nooksucker is.
"You humans do this all the time?"
"No, Karkat. It's still entirely sexual, it's just as lewd as your buckets or whatever." You can't help but smile when Karkat shudders at the word.
"Really? Do you guys reproduce like that?"
"Wow, what? No, it's just... a thing. It's just a thing." Karkat nods, and you get an uneasy feeling.
"So... could you maybe..." Oh god. Karkat, no. No Karkat, no no no.