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from me, to you. nishimura riki, i love you.
i met you in june, year twenty-sixteen. it was a rainy monday. my classes came to an end. i stood up under the roof of the main building, watching the drops of rain fall onto the ground creating a ripple effect on the small and large puddles. the cold wind brushed through my skin as it blew in an eastward direction. students are rushing inside their respective vehicles so as to not be soaked by the heavy rain. there was a typhoon that was threatening the place. i hate it. i hate rain.
and then you stood beside me, feet stomping in annoyance. i thought, i found my person. i thought you hated rain too. but then, it hit me when you ran like the little duckling you are as if you were enjoying the way your clothes get soaked and your hair gets damp. right. why would anybody like you hate rain? i was the only one who hated it. i do not know why, but i hate it. rain. it would be a hassle to humankind. it would soak your clothes. it would be hard to find transportation. it would make you late for your classes and work. it would cause flooding. it would bring a lot of discomfort and inconvenience to everyone.
soon after, someone taller than you called your name. i heard it clearly. riki . what an unusual name. hence, it was beautiful. it was easy to say. it slips off my mouth with ease, as if i am bound to say it a million times, on repeat. like my favorite song on a local music player. always on repeat. always been my favorite.
i thought i wouldn't get the chance to see your face again. i thought i wouldn't meet you again. but, i guess, i was wrong. maybe the heavens above have a plan for both of us. i saw you again in the last week of june, still in year twenty-sixteen. you were rushing down the stairs, a couple of thick books stacked on your thin and slender arms. you were catching your breath as you peeked through the books covering your sight.
i walked up to you and asked. "you need help?" and then you stopped. you flashed a small worried smile and nodded. your hair moves along with your actions. your cheeks had a slight tint of red hue due to embarrassment and shyness. you looked cute. like a duckling in need of help.
"i'm really, really sorry for bothering you, kuya—"
"it's fine, riki." you had a downward smile. i somehow found it cute. you were like pouting, like the duck you are. you were really, really cute. i'd like to put you inside my pocket.
"i'll treat you na lang po on a lunch. does it sound good?" you were all smiles—it reached your eye—when i nodded, yes. you waved your hand goodbye as you turned your back on me and vanished from my sight.
the day came. my most anticipated day. it was just a simple lunch at a local fast-food restaurant. chicken wings . i hate chicken wings. it's hard to eat. it has a lot of bones. drumsticks would be better. but you were smiling widely when the waitress served our order. it was like the chicken wings were so tasty, you ate it well. you looked so joyous as you ate as if it was your first meal of the day. your eyes glistened in pure happiness. you were so lovely. you were so endearing. so, who am i to complain?
the first interaction was followed by another interaction, and another, and another, and a lot more followed. i was.. genuinely happy. i get to see you often. i get to talk to you often. and most of all, i get to know you more. there was something in you that i wanted to see. it was like you were a literary piece that had a mysterious covering that caught my interest. i'd like to read you — letter by letter, word by word, sentence by sentence. i'd like to know everything about you.
and i know this isn't just a pure infatuation i am feeling when i started to dive into the depths of your soul. i like you, riki.
i've been loving the memory of twenty-sixteen, when i first laid my eyes on you. where i first saw your bright smile amidst the gloomy rainy day it was. where i first heard your name that i'd like to call for a million — or a billion times over.
love.
was it what you call love ? how do you define it? how can you know whether it is love? is it when your eyes turn into a heart whenever you see them? is it when your cheeks taint a red hue whenever you are with them? is it when your lips can't mutter a single word without stuttering due to them being close? or is it what you call butterflies scattered and flying around your stomach? i do not know.
am i in love?
i asked myself over and over and over again. i even asked some of my blockmates and friends. how do you fall in love? do you fall in love with a person because of their eyes? or their facial features? their moves that are laced with passion and love? when do you fall in love? is it during summer? or when it is raining cats and dogs outside that you are desperately snuggling up to your blanket to find warmth amidst the cold climate? why do we fall in love? why? do we fall in love just because? do we fall in love with measurable and attainable reasons? i do not know either.
a lot of questions were left unanswered. i was left with confusion and questions living inside my head rent-free. it bugged me like a bee. it confuses me like math. it got me curious like a mystery waiting to be unveiled.
you got my mind sprawling in thoughts all about you.
we became best of friends. yeah, best friends . is that a good thing? should i be happy with it? of course, i should. this is what i am waiting for, right? to be closer to you? to be with you all the time? to be the first person you ask for help whenever you are in need? i'm happy. i should .
but i knew i wanted more.
i wanted something more from you. i wanted to be closer to you, close enough to be the first person you think of as soon as you wake up and get out of dreamland. i wanted to be the person that you think of before you go to sleep. i wanted to be the person who takes care of you, cooks for you. the person who takes you out on a special occasion. i wanted to indulge in your hobbies—paint with you, dance with you, play video games with you. i wanted more. i'm craving for more.
i want to be loved by you.
the thought made me wonder. how does it feel to be loved by you? is it how it is narrated in the books? comforting, warm, and safe. or is it how it is portrayed in the movies? how love is within the people. how love is not just all about the butterflies and sparks , but also the feeling of being home.
i am so naive . asking questions to myself, trying to seek answers to feed my curiosity and cluelessness. i have always been asking. i have always been seeking. but where will i end up after getting answers? should it be in your arms? i hope so.
days have gone into weeks. weeks passed by into months. months flew into years. and before i knew it, it was graduation day. the day when everyone is happy. when everyone should be happy.
i am not.
i have always been in the dark, stealing a glance and watching you from afar. always stuck in the same place where i first met you. still standing in your life as your best friend.
when will this end? when will i be the one you look at?
and then one impulsive decision was made. how dumb was i to pull you in front of the main building, where everyone is scattered around, busily chit-chatting and congratulating each other for attaining another milestone in their lives. right there and then, i confessed.
my feet were stuck on the ground. my limbs felt numb, i couldn't move an inch. my heart felt like it was exploding. my mind felt hazy. my vision was blurry but i knew it was you where i was looking at. it has always been. i blinked once, twice, thrice — a couple of times — just to make my vision clear. just to make sure it was you who was smiling widely in front of me.
"took you so long, kuya." you giggled, making your lips stretch more from smiling widely, it might reach your ears.
and then i blinked again, as if it'll make my ears hear what you did say. as if it'll make my senses work properly. as if it'll remove all the uneasy thoughts inside my mind. as if it'll lessen the volume of the noise of the people around us.
so this was it?
i fetched the keys inside my pocket, inserting them inside the knob. it made a clicking sound before the door opened. the smell of freshly painted walls with a mixture of wood brushed through my nostrils. i ran my vision along the place. painted cream walls, a few furniture, a small television, a glass coffee table — it was almost complete.
it is complete. with you rushing inside and looking through the features of our house, it is already complete.
the house wasn't that big, just enough for two people. it has two bedrooms, one bathroom, a small kitchen and dining area, and a living room. the house isn't as grand as what other people have. it isn't as elegant as what other people dreamed of. but it felt cozy. it felt like home, rather than a house.
this is it.
this is what love is like. waking at 5:00 AM by the alarm clock's buzzing sound, and the first thing i see is your sleeping face. i blinked. it isn't as perfect as how it is said in books or movies. your blond hair's disheveled and isn't neatly framing your face, there's an evident patch of drool on the pillow, your face has red marks from the stressful work you have, and the sun rays are making my eyes hurt rather than making the view of you look cinematic. hence, it was all that i dreamed of—waking up and seeing you beside me.
and then by 6:30 AM, it'll be your turn to wake up. but rather than fixing yourself, the first thing you'll do is to prepare a meal for us to eat. i smiled to myself, looking foolish in front of the mirror. i thought it was already on its extent—my love for you, i mean. and yet with every action, every giggle, and every bit of you that i get to learn every day makes me fall even deeper.
by 7:15 AM, we'll both drive off to work. with us jamming to a local filipino radio station, battling with the boresome traffic the busy road of manila has. and then after we separate ways, it'll be a busy day again.
soon after we get off work, it'll be us together again inside our little home, busy munching down the delicious dish you did while our eyes are busy watching a teleserye on the television in front. we'll share a good laugh, stressful stories from work, and clean the dishes. and when the night has finally called us to our bed, it'll be you and me, feeling the warmth of each other while both snuggled up under the thick blanket, whispering words of love that'll eventually send us off to sleep.
this is what love is like, i say again. just being content with what we have. just being happy with what we are. just being us together. because love will always be there. love has always been there. from the memory of twenty-sixteen, up to the following years that we've been through together. from all the things i hated before that i've now loved because of you. from all the things i see as nothing before, but now are meaningful to me.
riki, you made me see the beautiful in the littlest of things.
just like how the rain would pour to provide food for the plants to grow. to nurture the soil the farmers use for their living. to make the climate chilly from the scorching hot summer it was.
or just like by loving you simply. by seeing the ugliest face you make but still finding you beautiful. by witnessing your vulnerable side that doesn't make me love you less. by noticing the littlest habits you make at the most random times of the day and finding it adorable.
because love has always been within you. love is simply just you . love isn't a feeling, a word, or whatever definition people give it. love for me has always been and will always be you .
love lingers between our human bodies that connects us both, with the rhythm of our hearts singing together in the perfect melody.
i had never thought love could be like this. i had never thought love could be within us. i had never believed in love. i had never fallen in love. i thought it was just something humans are craving for, but i don't. it was something i was lacking. i didn't know love. i didn't know what makes people love. i thought it was something i could live without, for the sake of not getting hurt and not hurting others — just like how i see my friends go through. but then you came.
i thought love was something i had never had before. turns out, i have been just saving all the love i have so i can give it all to you.
my love for you hasn't been to its extent yet. thus, it was rather infinite — it has no end and cannot be measured by anyone. and if you ask me how much i love you?
nishimura riki, i'll definitely marry you.