Work Text:
Seungmin yawned, tiredly rubbing at his eyes. He extended his arms up to the ceiling and stretched himself out, relieved by the feeling.
For the past four hours, he'd been hunched over his desk reading over a poorly-written brief, left to make edits on his own that should have already been made. He was stuck in his office when he should have been home with Minho and their cats. He should have been home, eating Minho's delicious cooking and cuddling on their couch that was much too large for their small apartment living room. But no, because his stupid coworkers didn't know how to use basic fucking grammar and had never heard of punctuation.
It was safe to say that Seungmin was irritable and at the end of his already-thin line of patience, but it really boiled down to him just being completely exhausted.
The week had been incredibly long, and he'd been so ready for a break before one of his fellow attorneys, Seungkwan, knocked on his door and handed him the chunk of papers with an apologetic look on his face.
Seungmin just finished a big case and was already being thrown into another one, but he knew what he was in for when he started his journey to becoming a lawyer, so it felt pointless to complain about. It felt pointless, even if he hadn't slept well in weeks, found himself skipping meals just to get extra work done, and had even stayed until midnight one time when preparing for a case.
On top of that, he hadn't seen Minho for more than a few hours in weeks.
(That was only a bit of an exaggeration.)
With it being nearly two years since Minho began working at the hospital full-time and Seungmin working at the firm, their schedules were demanding and had little consideration for their own time. Seungmin would come home and find Minho barely awake, just waiting to make sure Seungmin ate. Either that, or he'd come home to darkness, and he'd know that Minho was probably still stuck at the hospital.
Looking at the big picture, Seungmin knew he could ask for some time off, but in his reality, that wasn't even an option for him. He had too much to lose as a new attorney—too much to lose as someone still trying to make a name for himself—and he wasn't going to fuck it all up now. He had come too far, and maybe a small part of him was afraid that if he stopped, he'd never be able to start up again.
Seungmin was on a roll at work. His coworkers admired him for his work and he'd gotten a lot of praise for how much and how well he was doing at his age, he was getting and winning big cases, and he discovered that he was actually pretty good at clearly communicating with all types of clients. He didn't mean to put himself up on a pedestal, but he knew that he was doing well. He knew that he was doing well, which made him so much more scared of what would happen if he made even one mistake.
It was an unreasonable and unhealthy mindset and he knew it, but it was like he had tunnel vision.
That was why he was trying so hard to not let himself slip. He couldn't take time off. He had to get ahead of everything.
Seungmin got home around midnight for the second time in the past month, and as he took his shoes off in the entrance of the apartment, he was hit with a rush of exhaustion that apparently decided to only catch up with him now.
"I'm home!" He called out tiredly, dragging himself through the hall and into the kitchen.
The lights were off in the entire apartment, and Seungmin frowned, not even able to find Soonie or Doongie. It was possible that Minho was working late, but Seungmin was pretty sure he remembered the older mentioning today being pretty light when they'd managed to get a few minutes to talk during their lunch breaks.
Seungmin put his bag down on the counter and took his coat off, continuing through the apartment with an unconscious pout forming on his face. He'd been looking forward to Minho hugs.
"Soonie? Doongie? Dori?” Seungmin called out, only to let out a sharp gasp when he saw a blur of orange fur scurry out from Minho's bedroom.
"You scared me, little ones," Seungmin spoke just barely above a whisper, leaning down to pet the three cats, managing a small smile when he heard their purrs. Seungmin petted Dori, the smallest of the trio, a bit longer than the others.
Dori was the newest addition to the family, who they’d gotten right after Seungmin graduated from law school and Minho from vet school. Unfortunately, Seungmin felt like he hadn’t been able to really see her or bond with her since he started work so soon after graduation. At least with Soonie and Doongie, Seungmin was either home or at classes, so he had time to get to know them, but nowadays he was always out of the house.
(Seungmin would only reluctantly admit that he was kind of trying to overcompensate to make sure that Dori felt properly loved by him.)
He glanced up at Minho's room, and then registered the sound of water running. So Minho was probably home, he was just showering. Seungmin felt a rush of relief run through him because maybe he'd get his hugs after all.
Somewhat more relaxed by the thought, Seungmin turned the living room light on and went into the kitchen to find something to eat. He was so hungry he thought his own stomach was going to eat itself, so he grabbed a bag of chips from the pantry and dip from the fridge and started snacking.
He scrolled through his phone and went through the notifications he'd ignored while in his "work zone." There were a few texts from his friends asking when he had time off so that they could try to hang out, and Seungmin felt a familiar guilt. He knew that they understood and that half of their texts talking about hanging out were mutually accepted as just attempting to entertain the thought of what they knew probably wouldn't happen. He knew this, and yet he still felt guilty, feeling as if somehow it was entirely his fault that he hadn't seen his friends in weeks, the last time being when they were all given time off for Christmas and New Years.
But they were all busy, too.
Chan, Changbin, and Jisung's careers were fully launching now that they had full-time jobs at an entertainment company, finally getting their beautiful compositions and incredible ideas out into the industry to be appreciated. Hyunjin was gaining more attention for his work as a curator and an artist on his own, and it was only a matter of time before he got his own display at a gallery. Felix's bakery had taken off last year and reached a stable spot, and now Felix was looking to open another location in the heart of the city. Jeongin was nearing his second year of teaching at an elementary school, and was always animatedly talking about how much fun he had and how much he loved his kids, even if they could be a handful.
They were no longer helpless college students trying to stand up on shaky ground. They were adults with adult responsibilities and adult lives. They all understood that, and yet Seungmin still felt guilty, as if he should do more to try to hang out with them.
"Seungminnie?"
He was drawn out of his thoughts, realizing that he had been nibbling on the same chip for the past couple of minutes and had made no progress on it. He swallowed and faced Minho, who had a towel hanging on his shoulder. He was wearing one of Seungmin's sweatshirts and a pair of his own sweatpants. His hair was slightly disheveled but half dry already, and Seungmin's breath hitched involuntarily.
He really missed him.
"Hi, hyung," Seungmin barely got out, the pressure behind his eyes being a tell-tale sign of what was coming.
Minho smiled a small smile, as if he understood everything he was feeling without him having to say anything. He put the towel down, hanging it off of the back of one of the dining table chairs, and opened his arms for Seungmin, who all but threw himself into his embrace.
Minho's hugs had never failed to comfort Seungmin. Whenever they'd hug, whether it be cuddling on the couch with Seungmin pressed against Minho's chest or vice versa, or just gentle holds like this, it never failed to put him at ease.
His roaring thoughts lessened to small waves wading in and out and his heart actually settled for the first time in the past week. His breathing evened out, and it didn't feel like an impossible task to get a proper amount of oxygen into his lungs. He relaxed into the older's arms, resting his chin on Minho's shoulder with a content sigh.
"Had a rough day?" Minho asked gently after some time, tracing little shapes on the younger's shoulder with the tip of his finger. Seungmin could only manage a small hum, snuggling deeper into the embrace.
"Have you eaten anything today, honey?" Seungmin shrugged, breathing out slowly.
"I had those chips," he mumbled into Minho's neck. "But I'm not hungry. Just wanna stay here. Like this."
He felt a small chuckle from Minho, followed by the older pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Okay, we'll stay here then."
Seungmin didn't know when the snow started or how long he'd been sitting out on the balcony, but he was faintly aware of the chills he felt running up his arm as he watched the snow begin layering the ground below.
Their apartment didn't have an incredibly extraordinary view, but it was high enough and they were in a fairly open part of the city so he could see above some of the buildings in the distance. He could look up and see the stars and the moon in spite of the light from the life below.
Sitting on the balcony and looking down as life continued down on the street was calming. The idea of all of the people he watched walk by having their own lives was comforting—the students running around with wide smiles and their backpacks barely hanging off their shoulders, the pairs of friends walking down the sidewalk with their arms linked together as they passed gossip to one another, couples holding each other's hands as they watched the snow fall with wonder in their eyes as if they'd never seen such a wonderful thing before.
Even in this moment, where Seungmin felt as though he finally put a pause on his stressful job at the firm, life itself was still going.
A chilly gust of air passed by him and he shivered, teeth chattering as he hugged himself. He was only wearing a crewneck and sweatpants, and though they were fuzzy and thick, they were nothing compared to the cold of February.
And then, he felt a blanket being put over his shoulders. He hadn't even realized the door sliding open, much less his fiancé coming out on shaky legs to sit down next to him.
Seungmin looked up in surprise, holding a hand out for Minho as the older tried to smile as he sat down cautiously. "What are you doing out here?" Seungmin asked, not letting go of his hand even when he was safely sitting beside him.
He was asking a mixture of questions. He was asking why Minho was still awake, why he'd come outside, and why he'd come out onto the balcony. Minho was afraid of heights—something Seungmin had learned fairly early on in their relationship because he noticed that he didn't like going near their windows or balcony—yet here he was, laying a blanket over Seungmin and sitting with him.
Minho only shrugged, running his thumb over the back of Seungmin's hand. "What about you? Why'd you come out here without a blanket? It's cold."
Seungmin shrugged back, looking down at his lap then moving his gaze slightly to return his focus to the people below. Eventually, he leaned over to rest his head on Minho's shoulder, closing his eyes and letting out a sigh. He felt Minho wrap his arm around him to settle his hand on the younger's waist, tilting his own head to rest on Seungmin's.
This wasn't something that happened super often—their busy schedules or not—and Seungmin had a feeling that tonight would be the night where he opened up to Minho about how he'd been feeling recently. He was actually kind of looking forward to finally being able to let it out.
Meeting Minho had introduced him to one of the only people Seungmin ever felt he could truly open up to. There was something so secure about his presence, and somehow he always knew what to say, even if that wasn't saying anything at all. Minho was patient and non-judgmental, but also wouldn't sugarcoat things if he knew Seungmin could handle the truth.
Opening up to Minho was easy, even if it was a little scary sometimes.
And then Minho's voice cut through the silence.
"What's on your mind?" Minho asked, lifting his head and turning to Seungmin, doing his best not to jostle him.
Seungmin chewed the inside of his cheek. It was like he'd spent time psyching himself up for telling Minho everything, but he was still timid in the face of it. "I don't know, it's stupid," he mumbled, shaking his head. Minho's expression soured, a little frown on his face.
"It's not stupid," he said gently. "Your feelings aren't stupid."
Seungmin breathed out then in, the cold air filling his lungs. He pulled the blanket around himself tighter and decided that he might as well just say it.
"I'm just tired, I guess," he whispered out, feeling his eyes begin to water. He heard Minho hum as he nodded, encouraging Seungmin to continue.
"I'm tired because I feel like I've just been... I've just been trying to, like, get ahead or something. It just—it feels like I never get the chance—" he stopped himself, looking up at the sky to blink back tears. "I feel like I never get the chance to breathe. And it's stupid because I chose this for..." he inhaled sharply. "I chose this for myself, y'know? Like, this was what I've wanted ever since I was a kid, and yet I can't handle it now that I've got it. I feel like I’m being ungrateful, because so many people—even my own classmates from back then—aren’t getting the same opportunities as me, and I’m here complaining."
Seungmin felt like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders as he spoke, but he still felt a portion of the burden left over. He'd said half of what he wanted to say, but there were no words that could ever really express what he was feeling, and that frustrated him to no end. The concept of not being able to properly express himself scared him.
But Minho seemed to understand it, because of course he would. Minho knew Seungmin almost better than he knew himself. He nodded, a neutral look on his face but warmth in his eyes. He didn't say anything either, giving Seungmin a chance to say more.
"I'm tired and I miss you guys," Seungmin continued, sniffling quietly and wiping his eyes. "I miss all of us hanging out, even if I know that we're just growing up and that it's probably only me feeling like this. I obviously don't want to go back to the time before all of our careers, like, fully began, but I wish I could go back to that time and know that we'd end up actually somewhat stable. Because we're living so well here, but I... I can't help but miss what I had before? I don't know. I'm just... I must be burnt out or something. I don't know."
He'd never liked the term burnt out.
He felt like, even though it was a pretty accurate general name for it, it never really captured how it felt, or that it was just misused. He didn't feel burnt out, he felt drained of motivation for everything. He felt drained of motivation to even want to be motivated, and everything scared him.
He was afraid that he'd never be motivated again, and that he'd get used to this feeling and never be able to actually enjoy his job. He was afraid that he was just making a big deal out of nothing simply because he'd been sheltered all his life and was finally facing the non-romanticized versions of life. He was afraid that he was never going to be ready for the real world, and that he was just going to be stuck in the past forever, hanging onto only the feelings of nostalgia.
"I don’t think it’s stupid that you’re feeling this way," Minho said, voice soft as ever. "A lot has changed in your life, from graduating and being sworn in and getting your job at the firm—they’re all big changes and it’s okay to miss how things used to be. I sometimes do, too.”
Seungmin sniffled again, looking up at Minho, who smiled gently and wiped the younger’s cheek. “You’re exhausted and you’re trying to adjust to a new way of living—there’s nothing wrong with that, whether or not you “chose this life for yourself”, because you being tired and wanting a break is normal, and it doesn’t mean that you’re being ungrateful or something.”
“But… wh-what if I don’t want this anymore?” Seungmin whispered out, voice breaking again. “I’m just—I’m tired of this. I’m worried that I just don’t want to work in law anymore, like, at all.”
“Baby, can you look at me?” Minho asked. Seungmin slowly met his eyes with his own watery ones, almost afraid that Minho would be disappointed in him or upset that he was saying such a thing.
But he didn’t.
He had nothing but support and care in his eyes.
“If you truly don’t want this for yourself anymore, that’s completely okay,” he said, and Seungmin really felt like it was. “But I—I don’t want to control you or minimize your feelings, because they’re always valid, obviously, but I think that taking some time to think about what you want for yourself in general could help a lot. If you come out of it with a clear mind and you’re sure you no longer want to pursue a career in law, I will support you every step of the way if you want me to.”
Seungmin could sense there was more Minho wanted to say.
“Can I be honest, though?” Minho asked cautiously. Seungmin nodded quickly, sniffling again. “I don’t think you want to do that.”
And then something in Seungmin broke all over again, and he felt the tears fall without warning. He let out a sob and barely knew what to do with himself apart from letting Minho pull him into his arms, hugging him and whispering sweet words of support.
“I’ve got you, Seungmin,” Minho whispered. “Just breathe and let it out.”
Seungmin cried for, probably, a solid couple of minutes, but then his throat felt sore and his chest hurt and he began coughing because the cold was still filling his lungs.
“Do you want to go inside? It’s cold out here,” Minho said gently. “I can get you some water or make you some tea. How’s that?”
Not feeling up for talking yet, Seungmin only nodded, allowing himself to be helped to his feet and ushered inside. Their apartment was warm and, upon stepping back inside, Soonie, Doongie, and Dori quickly crowded them.
While Minho moved around the kitchen, Dori rubbed her face affectionately on Seungmin’s leg once he was sitting at their counter. The man smiled, sniffling again then leaning down to pet her. She eventually decided that it wasn’t enough and she got herself up onto the counter, making Seungmin laugh. Normally he would have shooed her off the counter because she wasn’t supposed to be up there, but he didn’t have it in him to do it today, so he just let her sit in front of him and demand more pets.
“Oh, look who’s made herself comfortable,” Minho huffed out in disbelief as he placed a glass of iced water in front of Seungmin. “I’m boiling water right now.”
Seungmin hummed. “Thank you, Min.”
“Yeah, yeah, just make sure you drink all of your tea, okay? Your throat is going to hurt like a bitch if you don’t.”
Seungmin snorted, nearly choking on his water. He swallowed the rest of it and sighed, shaking his head with a smile. “Thanks, hyung,” he said. “Just accept it. I’m sad, so you have to do whatever I say.”
Minho raised an eyebrow but he was smiling. “Okay,” he murmured with an eye roll. “You’re welcome?”
Seungmin smiled again, feeling the contrast in the lightness he was feeling now compared to what he was feeling just minutes before. He’d been sobbing into Minho’s shoulder a few minutes ago, but now he was smiling and laughing with an adorably attention-seeking little kitty in front of him demanding pets while Minho watched the interactions fondly.
He took a moment to think about what Minho had said—about how he didn’t think that pursuing a different career was really what Seungmin wanted.
And it was true, if he really thought about it.
He’d worked his ass off studying law when he was younger, memorizing everything he read and soaking it up as much as he could, and now he was working his ass off searching for anything and everything to help his clients, digging up similar cases who had favorable rulings.
And he enjoyed it. It was just as rewarding as it was tiring.
Seeing his clients reactions when the verdict came out well, or that feeling when they’d make a breakthrough in the case and had those little epiphanies where it all fell into place—it made those countless hours of crying and self-doubt from when he was a student, so worth it.
It was worth it and he loved it, but why was he still so unsure?
Why was he still so unhappy?
Minho finished making the tea and set the mug in front of him, warning him that it was hot and that he should wait for it to cool down before trying to drink it. He also emphasized that he would hit him and make fun of him if he ignored his warning and drank it anyway.
But he drank it too soon anyway, and Minho didn’t, in fact, hit him or make fun of him immediately after. Instead, he rolled his eyes, then gave him an ice cube and made sure he was okay before he teased him.
After waiting for it to cool down properly, he was able to drink it, and he felt calm again, focusing on his own breaths while Minho sat next to him and moved his bangs out of his face.
Seungmin eventually put his drink down and exhaled slowly. Minho straightened up, ready to listen.
“You’re right. I don’t want to stop,” Seungmin admitted. “I don’t want to stop.”
Minho nodded, holding Seungmin’s hand in his own.
“I still hate feeling like this, though, because I really do love my job, but I just—I feel so tired of everything," he finally admitted. "I don't know if I feel happy, but I also don’t understand why I wouldn’t be because I feel like I should be."
He looked down at their hands, avoiding Minho’s eyes because he was a bit afraid of the reaction he’d get to the confession.
“Do you want a hug?”
Seungmin blinked, looking up. Minho’s eyes were a little watery now, too. He nodded quickly, so Minho stood up and wrapped his arms around him securely. Seungmin let himself relax, practically digging his face into Minho’s collarbone to breathe in the comforting scent of the older.
“What do you want to do, Seung?” Minho asked quietly a few minutes later. “Don’t think about anything else—just what you want to do and what you think would help you the most in this situation.”
Seungmin tilted his head so that his ear was pressed against Minho’s shoulder, gently nudging the older’s jaw with his nose then settling in the crook of his neck.
“I want to be home,” he whispered. “I just want to be with you and Soonie and Doongie and Dori. I want to take a break and I want to be able to breathe.”
Minho hummed and rubbed his back, moving his head slightly to kiss his forehead. “Do you think you can do that?” He asked next. “Like, realistically, could you take some time off—even if it were just for a few days—to get a breather and clear your head?”
Seungmin bit the inside of his cheek.
The other attorneys and his seniors had once told him that he could take some time off at some point, that they could find people to fill in for him. They’d even recommended it at some points, saying he looked exhausted and that maybe he could use some vacation days and a sick day.
So really, the only thing that was holding him back at this point was himself.
“I think so, yeah.”
“And do you think you’d be okay with doing that?” Minho asked, pulling away to look at Seungmin clearly.
“I mean, yeah, I just—you still have work, Minho, and, and…”
He was struggling to find any reasons in opposition, at least nothing for himself.
But Minho was a vet. He was busy too.
“And I can take time off work,” Minho said, a steady smile on his face that told Seungmin he wasn’t lying. “If you want to take some time off and take a trip, we can do that. If you want to take a break and just stay here the entire time, we can do that too. We can even just make it into a weekend trip so you don’t have to worry extra about missing work. Whatever you want to do, we can do it.”
Seungmin felt his eyes water again, his lips forming a pout as he tried to keep his emotions under control. He didn’t want to cry again, but he was just hit with so many feelings at once.
He felt so warm and cared for with Minho’s arms still surrounding him, with the older’s kind eyes looking at him with nothing but love in them. When he felt the tears begin to spill over once more, he tried his best to stop them, but it was futile.
He heard Minho chuckle with a look of adoration on his face. “You’re such a crybaby,” he said, wiping his face with his sleeve and holding him close again.
“Don’t be mean to me.” Seungmin croaked out, crying into Minho’s shoulder.
“I love you,” Minho said after some time. “I love you, and I’m sorry that you’re feeling like this and all I can do is offer you some days off.”
Seungmin shook his head and pulled back so he could face his fiancé through blurry vision. “You’re offering me so much more, Min,” he said. “I probably would have just sat and stewed in my own shitty feelings had you not let me talk about it, and the idea of being able to have a break just—fuck, I don’t want to cry again, I don’t know why I’m crying so much—“
Minho laughed again, and it was such a wonderful sound that it felt like Seungmin’s heart was just curling up in pure love for the older.
“It’s okay to cry, sweetheart,” Minho said, kissing both of his cheeks then his lips. Seungmin held him there for a second, catching him before he pulled back.
When they parted, Seungmin was smiling, even with the tears in his eyes. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” the older responded. “We should go to sleep now, though. You’re probably really tired.”
Seungmin pouted again, and Minho frowned, blinking several times. “What?”
“I want to go on a trip.”
Minho tilted his head in confusion. “We should still go to sleep. We can plan tomorrow—“
“We can’t start planning now? Not even a little?”
The older man stared for a few seconds as he processed it, then laughed. “You’re stupid, you know that?” Minho said, and Seungmin smacked his arm. Minho shook his head then sighed in defeat, unable to hide his wide smile. “We can brainstorm a bit, I suppose, but I want you to go to sleep as soon as we figure out where we want to go, okay? And no stalling on purpose—“
“Yeah, yeah, okay! I get it!” Seungmin hopped off the stool and grabbed Minho’s hand, pulling him to their room.
They cuddled up in bed with Soonie, Doongie, and Dori finding comfortable places around the room to sleep in. Seungmin pulled Minho to him, the older pressed against his chest as they whispered quietly for a good half hour about where they were going to go.
Seungmin had really missed being home.