Chapter Text
Rebellion didn’t always come easy to Nancy Wheeler. A few years ago she would have considered cheating on her midterms to be the most rebellious thing she’s ever done. But this Nancy was different. She was much braver. She could shoot a gun, taking down any interdimensional monster that crossed her. This time was no different. With her sawed-off shotgun she blasted Vecna’s ass into next week. At least, she hoped that was true.
And after two days, when the ‘earthquake’ settled, a donation center was set up in the high school’s gym. Newspaper clippings and missing posters lined the bulletin board. The only other thing that was newsworthy concerned the claims that Eddie was a devil-worshiping murderer. Nancy pleaded with the Hawkins Post to exclude the story, but they weren’t hearing any of it. Her mind flashes back to when she was in the Upside Down. How they had found Eddie, dead, bites from the bats carved into his skin. Dustin’s screams were etched in her mind. She knew what it was like to lose someone like that.
Nancy Wheeler has lost a lot. For starters her first real friend, Barbara Holland. It damaged her in ways she couldn’t ever imagine. She wasn’t always this cold. The grief made her stronger. At least, she wanted to think that. She had a firm grip of who she was, but with each day that went by her grip was getting weaker. She felt like she was losing herself.
She never questioned her fundamental beliefs, that was, until she met Robin Buckley.
In a short amount of time, she had learned more about Robin than she could ever have imagined. She learned vivid details from her life, collective memories that Steve and her shared, her fears, and things so personal, Nancy felt special hearing it spill from her lips. She had grown an appreciation for Robin’s need to talk nonstop. She was so open, not afraid of parts of herself. She really knew herself and that was something that Nancy felt comfortable around.
Vickie was by her side, hand in hers. She was thin, pretty, with ginger hair that stopped at her shoulders. She had a high-pitched voice, when Robin would make a comment or a joke, she could imagine the sound of her laughter. It irritated Nancy to no end.
Whenever she saw them, she studied Robin’s face, looking for the glances that had once been directed at her. She was worried that Robin stared at everybody like that. She must not have thought about Nancy now that she had Vickie.
They had only been friends for a few days, so why was it bothering her so much? They had built a connection quickly, but now, Nancy found herself becoming more distant than ever. She could only become vulnerable in front of someone for so long before throwing herself back into isolation– shutting everyone else out. It was a flaw of hers that she couldn’t stand. The ball and chain keeping her that way only got heavier as time went on.
She could have sworn she caught Robin’s eyes staring from across the room. Or did Robin catch hers?
“You done staring off into space, Nance? I could really use your help.” Steve was carrying boxes and boxes of donations, at least three of them were stacked on top of each other. She scoffed. Steve was always biting off more than he could chew. A few years ago, she would have found it charming.
“Oh yeah- sorry! Just got distracted.”
“Come help me with these.” He breathed out.
Robin had said her and Steve were just friends. She didn’t believe her. Now, she wasn’t sure what to believe. She hated herself for thinking it, but it was a thought that came to her mind frequently: Robin was hiding something.
“I’m happy they seem to be getting along.” Steve said, voice full of pride. Steve and Robin were such good friends, Nancy couldn’t help feeling a little bitter when seeing how well they got along. Their friendship was a constant reminder of what she lost so long ago.
His comment fell on deaf ears. Her gaze landed once again on Robin and Vickie, she was laughing at something Vickie had said. Nancy slammed the boxes down and stormed out of the school.
–
After they reunited, Nancy and Jonathan shut themselves off from each other. It was obvious they were keeping secrets, yet they didn’t say a word about it. Now they were sitting on the curb of the street he used to drive through daily to see her. She frowned, that felt like so long ago.
She felt guilty that she made no effort to go to California to see him. The spark between them had long since fizzled out, with each reminder it hurt. What was the use of trying to keep it alive? Nancy knew Jonathan wanted different things. It pained her to think that he was willing to give up what he wanted just for her. That wouldn’t be fair.
Jonathan passed her the joint, something she would have turned away in the past, but now she needed it more than ever. She had the pleasure of meeting Argyle, Jonathan’s best friend. He seemed responsible for Jonathan’s…habits. Nonetheless, she was still happy that he had found a friend in California.
She considered Fred a friend. Sure he was a pain to deal with sometimes but she grew fond of him. That was until Vecna got him. She shudders at the memory of his contorted body in the middle of the road.
How many more people are going to die because of me? She lamented in her thoughts.
“Everything okay there Nance? You’re awfully quiet.”
When he spoke, she only heard the voice of someone she used to know so well, it didn’t feel the same as before. She couldn’t explain why the sight of him now made her feel uneasy. She loved him, she really did, but so much had happened, it almost made her feel numb.
“What if we don’t come back from it this time?” Her voice gets really small.
“We always manage to find a way.” He responded with an uncertainty that made Nancy feel sick.
She stood there, watching as he drove away. There was a time when she would have begged him to stay. She should still like him in that way. But she didn’t.
–
In the following days, Nancy would have been considered lucky if she saw Robin for more than a few minutes at a time. She was surprised, even in these conditions, Robin and Steve were still expected to work.
It took her a while to get enough courage to go into the Family Video to even talk to her. She found herself visiting her at work multiple times a week, under the guise of her wanting to rent a movie. She’d ask Robin for recommendations and watch as she’d light up, excited to tell Nancy about all the new releases.
This time, she settles on Desert Hearts, a western. She picks up on how vague Robin was being when describing it, only saying a few words about it. That was very unlike her, she noted.
“We can watch it together at my place if you want.” Nancy added. She had Robin over at the Wheeler house on several different occasions, they became less frequent as of late which bothered Nancy immensely.
“I’d like that.”
Nancy lit up immediately.
–
She heard a knock at the door and beamed. Robin came into view, face illuminated by the lights on the porch. She held the VHS in one hand and some snacks in the other. Nancy descended the stairs, hearing Robin make idle conversation with her mom.
Her mother had grown fond of Robin, “I’m happy you found a friend like her,” she had said, her voice full of admiration. Nancy couldn’t agree more.
They had walked through the living room, her father was reading the paper on the brown vinyl sofa. He didn’t seem to notice they were even there.
“How have you been holding up?” Robin rasps. Ever since everything with Vecna, they had called each other every night to make sure the other was okay. The calls started happening less and less as the days went by. She felt stupid for waiting by the phone some nights. Mike had teased her every time, thinking she was waiting for Jonathan. She ignored him. She hated having to hide her disappointment every time the phone rang and it wasn’t her. But Nancy understood. She couldn’t fault her for spending so much time with her new friend Vickie. Ugh.
“I’ve been fine.” It comes out colder than she intended. Robin gives her a puzzled look that tells her she caught the hostility in her voice too.
“Nance… I may be overthinking it but your tone is leading me to believe you’re totally not fine.” Robin’s voice is calm, her hands guiding up to push the hair out of her face. She admired how Robin was quick to call her by her nickname when they met. At first it annoyed her, who was she to call her that? She assumed she picked it up from Steve or used it to tease her. Either way, she chose to ignore the heat that rose from her cheeks whenever she did.
“I’m sorry, you’re right. There’s just been a lot on my mind.” She sighed. “I’m just happy you’re here.”
“Of course you are! Who wouldn't be?“ She quipped with a smile, getting Nancy to laugh. “You can always talk to me if something’s bothering you. You deserve a break, you’ve gone through so much.” She said softly. The difference between Robin and everyone else was that she could tell she truly cared. She took the time to reassure Nancy that it would be okay. It wasn’t like she didn’t have a support system or anything, Robin just made it known that she was valued. That was something she appreciated deeply.
How can I talk to you if you’re the one driving me crazy?
Nancy clenched her jaw and mumbled out a small thank you, she could tell Robin wasn’t convinced that she was feeling any better. She popped the VHS in and went over to sit next to her, their bodies nearly touching. She isn’t sure why the proximity makes her nervous.
“C'mon relax Nance! Hopefully this will take your mind off things for a little while.” She encouraged, nudging her slightly.
She started to piece together why Robin was so vague about the movie. She had mentioned it was about a college professor getting a divorce and going through a journey of self discovery, what she failed to mention was that her self discovery was that she was a lesbian.
It wasn’t something that Nancy hadn’t thought about. She wasn’t completely unaware that people like that existed. Even Nancy herself yearned for something she couldn’t understand, she desperately wanted to be free from the person she was in the past. She sympathized with that. The words of the professor’s distaste with her past made perfect sense to her. That scared her. She wondered if Robin felt the same way too.
Nancy paled, she examined Robin’s face carefully, she seemed to be fully engrossed in the movie. It was well known that Nancy’s father didn’t approve of this type of “lifestyle” . She could only imagine what horrible things he would say, given he was watching it with them. The expectation her father set was clear: Settle down with a nice man and have children. Not a word about focusing on her career. It didn’t matter to him anyway. It was nothing but bullshit.
She understood what it felt like to be dissatisfied in the life she was forced to live. She thinks back to the fake smile plastered on her mother’s face. From a young age she had accepted that she was fated to live like that. Now it dawned on her that she was no longer okay with it.
–
“What is it you want?”
“Another forty minutes with you.” The television echoed. The professor, Vivian, is begging her lover, Cay to come with her. She wanted to leave the town but couldn’t bear to leave her behind. She fell in love with someone she wasn’t supposed to be with and she wanted to run away with her. Nancy herself thought about getting out of Hawkins and leaving everyone behind more than she’d care to admit. She yearned for a chance to leave without any repercussions. Maybe that’s why Emerson was so appealing to her. It was a way out.
It broke her heart to watch, it almost reminded her of how Jonathan left for California. She wondered if the rift between them would even exist If he stayed. She wasn’t sure. She just knew it didn’t hurt her as much as she thought it would. As it should.
Beside her, Robin was noticeably on edge. Nancy slipped her hand into hers, thumb caressing her fingers gently. She still remembers the way Robin reached for her hand in the Upside Down. A small moment of comfort that was needed as a result of the danger they were in. That’s all it was, however, thoughts of that moment plagued her mind. Nancy was fiercely protective of Robin, after what happened with Barb, there was no way in hell she was going to let Robin out of her sight.
By the end of the movie, she could tell that both of them had been on the verge of crying. Nancy prayed that Robin couldn’t see the puffiness that irritated her eyes. None of them spoke for a while, both sets of eyes rested on the credits that cascaded down the screen. Without turning to meet her gaze, she opened her mouth to speak.
“I liked it.” Nancy started, “I’ve never seen anything like that before– but I thought it was bittersweet. To become your authentic self– openly loving who you love, even if it meant becoming an outcast. It’s poetic.” She chose her words carefully, purposely avoiding any mention of how relatable she found it. Or how much she genuinely enjoyed it. She remembered how red she got during the passionate love scene. She was beyond thankful for the dimmed lights.
When she finally turned to face her, she winced. Maybe this was a bad idea. She’s never seen Robin so quiet.
“Hey, it’s getting kind of late I think I should go-”
“No Robin, you can sleep here, I don’t mind.” She fought back the embarrassment that flooded her voice. “Please, I'd like you to.” She added before Robin could change her mind.
“Are you sure? I mean, I don’t want to inconvenience you or anything. I can call Steve to pick me up. I'm sure he’ll be cool with it.” Her voice sounded panicked. She decided not to pry, despite wanting to. What’s going on in your head, Buckley?
“Robin.” She glared at her with no real malice behind it. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” Nancy blurted out, causing Robin to agree immediately. She had looked like she had something else to say but decided against it. She noticed she was still wearing her Family Video uniform. She wouldn’t let her sleep in something like that.
“Here you could use some of my clothes.” She tossed her some clothes that she hastily pulled out of her drawer. She leaves to put them on and a deep sigh of relief escapes her lips. She didn’t anticipate it would be this difficult to act normal in front of her.
A few minutes later, almost on cue, Robin walks in. She already saw Robin wearing her own clothes days prior but something about seeing her wearing her Emerson t-shirt with pyjama pants made her feel weird. Not in a bad way. It was just different.
“I have to say Nance, this is a step-up from the last outfit you lent me!” She sits beside her on the bed. She brought her legs together and promptly leaned her head down to rest on Nancy’s shoulder. Nancy laughed at how charmingly awkward Robin was. It was like a breath of fresh air to her.
Light from the moon poured in through the window of her bedroom. They were both awake, Robin was silently whispering about something stupid Steve had said or something else that happened at work. Nancy wasn’t paying attention. She didn’t think it was possible for a movie like that to make her feel so many emotions. She mostly kept them buried underneath a false bravado. It won’t work this time. Insecurity crept out from the depths of her heart. She needed some sort of reassurance, something to calm the storm for now. Nancy turned her head to the side and inhaled deeply.
“Robin?”
“Yes Nance?” They’re both facing each other, their foreheads nearly pushed together. She could count every freckle on Robin’s face if she wanted to.
“Nothing changes between us right? We’re still friends no matter what?”
“Aw of course! We made it official, remember?” Even in the dark, Robin’s smile brightened up the whole room. She’s so pretty.
“How could I forget?” Nancy couldn’t suppress the smile that made its way onto her face. Her heart was filled with a warmth she had only felt when she was with Jonathan all those months ago– even when she was with Steve at one point.
Oh.
Oh.
Did I have feelings for Robin?
Nancy was thrown through a loop. Her inexplicable feelings were roughly pulled to the forefront of her mind. She had never felt that way towards another girl before. It was even worse that she couldn’t do anything about it. Those days of blissful ignorance were long gone. Her mind tells her that she won't understand this feeling and her heart tells her that she is never meant to. She didn’t know who to talk to that could possibly understand what she was going through.
They were laying right next to each other, but they couldn’t be further apart.
A hush fell over her mind. She only heard Robin’s soft breathing.