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Øystein can't stand to see Pelle like that.
He always talks like he doesn't care about his band members, like he's tough and merciless to others, but the view of the scars on his arms, his pale face and blank stare… it's just too much for him.
And he has no idea how to stop it.
He tries, he keeps telling Pelle that hurting himself alone in his room won't shock anyone like it does on stage, trying so hard to believe that his only purpose of cutting himself is to impress others.
He knows how much Pelle suffers, but he can't even picture what's going on in his damaged and hurt brain. And that's incredibly frustrating, it makes him feel so powerless in the matter of his pain.
Pelle has been through a lot during his life. He has never told him directly, but Øystein knows that from his Swedish friends and especially his brother.
Pelle does his best to hide his pain, but it's getting impossible at times, he's feeling worse as days go by, and Øystein is getting an awful feeling about this.
He often thinks about what Pelle could be capable of doing.
He is aware that he may take his life at any moment, he just feels it and he can hear it from the voices in his head, which are no one's but his owns.
He slowly steps out of his room, walking cautiously to not wake anyone up- well, except Pelle, who he knows is fully awake and conscious.
He's actually reaching his room right now, feeling the urge to talk to him. It feels just like it would get too late if he waited to do it.
He knocks at his door, hoping to get a reply, but it never arrives.
He sighs, staring at its wooden surface for a while, then he decides to open it for himself.
"Pelle…"
He murmurs, once he gets in and looks at the man's figure sitting on the chair in front of his desk.
Pelle is sketching something on his notebook, it's what typically keeps him distracted from his suicidal thoughts. He usually doesn't mind them, he actually thinks that they're kind of right for him to feel, but sometimes they get too loud, too heavy on his chest and mind, making him feel dizzy and distressed.
What scares Øystein is that he's not getting any reply from Pelle, so he closes the door behind himself and steps closer to the younger man.
"Pelle, c'mon-"
He continues, and Pelle sighs almost imperceptibly.
"What?"
He finally speaks, his eyes immersed in the notebook's page he's drawing on, still almost completely blank.
"Mind if I stay here for a while?"
Øystein asks, while walking to the window and opening it, letting some fresh hair enter his room.
"I'm cold…"
Pelle whispers, making Øystein shiver, maybe for how delicate, almost fragile, his voice sounds right now.
"It's stuffy here, honey. You need some fresh air."
Øystein's voice on the other hand sounds sweet and comforting, probably not the kind of tone you'd expect from Euronymous, which is something that makes Pelle smile.
He rarely hears this kind of sound coming out of Øystein's voice, still when he does he's always referring to him anyway.
It's utterly tender of him to treat Pelle like this, it sort of feels "out of character" for someone like Øystein, who is almost always moody to anyone except him.
He seems to have a soft spot for the swede, and it's not always hard to notice. Øystein's often not so good at hiding it anyway.
"Wait, 'honey'?"
Pelle asked, finally looking up to him.
Øystein smiled slightly, stepping closer to him and his desk.
He is tired, it's actually pretty late. That's probably another reason why he's acting so sweet.
He couldn't sleep before anyway, because of his worries regarding Pelle.
"Yeah. You don't like that?"
Pelle smirked softly.
"I don't know. I guess I'm not used to it."
Øystein gently caresses his head and hair, making him blush a little, almost imperceptibly, not used to receiving this kind of attention neither.
"Do you need a blanket?"
"No, I'll just…"
He then stands up, without finishing the sentence, and reaches his bed, sitting at the edge of it.
Øystein looks at him, a little perplexed.
Pelle gently grabs his wrist, making him understand that he wants him to sit next to himself.
Øystein just obeys, looking at his face, their legs grazing to each other.
"Are you here for a specific reason?"
Pelle asks, and Øystein isn't sure if he wants to talk or to just waste some time with him anymore.
"Huh… Why would I?"
Pelle lets his elbows rest on his thighs, looking directly in front of himself.
"You don't come to my room randomly, Øystein"
"I wanted to talk"
Øystein confesses, looking for his gaze with his own.
"About what?"
Øystein holds back a sigh and slowly grabs his wrist, uncovering his scars and fresh wounds.
Pelle instantly feels his heart beat faster and frees his wrist from the man's grip.
"You know I don't like them being touched."
He says, scolding him.
His eyes still fixated in front of himself, not even thinking of looking in Øystein's ones.
"I didn't touch them. Pelle, please…"
He basically begs him to listen, for once.
"What do you want to talk about? You know I don't have any explanation for you"
He answers, sighing right away, already tired of that conversation.
"You don't know why you harm yourself?"
Øystein moves closer to him, he just wants Pelle to feel safe with him at this point.
"I don't know why I do it, but I can't stop. Why do you want me to, anyway?"
Pelle asks, distantly. It may sound like a stupid question, and it actually is, to Øystein.
"Because I care about you."
Pelle instantly gets irritated, laughing sarcastically.
"Why don't you stop me on stage, then? You don't really care, Øystein. I guess it just disgusts you to see these cuts."
Øystein is trying his best to stay calm and reasonable, to not scream in Pelle's face how stupid it is of him to not listen and take him seriously- he knows that wouldn't help, on the contrary it would probably make Pelle feel worse.
"Because you get so insane that it's just impossible to get you to think. That wouldn't work even if I tried, Pelle. Who do you think is looking for those fucking hospitals while you plan to get your arms slashed up there?"
He replies, feeling upset.
That actually gets Pelle to let his guard down and trust Øystein and his words a little more. But that also means getting a little vulnerable.
He sighs, and after a few seconds of silence he talks.
"I got no reason to stay, Øystein"
Pelle confesses, hoping that's enough of an explanation, even if it hurts to admit it to someone else.
He sounds so tired and hopeless it breaks Øystein's cold heart in tiny little pieces, depreciated on the floor.
"You have me…"
Øystein murmurs. He doesn't even remember the last time he said anything so sweet or even around the lines of it. It feels just weird.
Pelle brings his gaze up, back to his face.
"I do?"
Lone tears start to mark his cheeks, and that gets Øystein to caress his face, drying them.
"You do. I'm here, and we can figure out anything you may need together…"
Pelle never imagined that he would need to hear those words, but they actually managed to make his chest feel lighter, finally feeling like someone is there for him after all the years he hasn't felt it.
Øystein notices that his words made a little difference in the other, he can see it on his face, which is looking more relaxed, and his eyes are looking more alive for once.
He gently hugs Pelle, holding him tight in his slender but strong arms, making sure that he feels safe once again.
"I want to sleep with you. Is that okay?"
He asks, whispering in his ear.
Pelle nods weakly, hiding his face on his shoulder and cuddling up sweetly to him.
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Pelle. I know that it's hard to believe, but… it's just how much I care about you. You're just so special, as a person and to me. I and the rest of the world don't deserve to lose you. You're so unique, Pelle, you're literally one in a million, if not in a billion."
Øystein added, after a low and silent sigh.
He is feeling a little foolish right now, he doesn't know if that's the right way to reassure someone who's feeling that down. But he tries, he does, for Pelle. He'd try anything for him.
But he actually feels this way about him, and he senses that he can be honest with him now that he has accepted to himself that he cares about someone that much.
It makes him feel completely exposed and defenseless, but it's worth it. He trusts Pelle anyway.
"You mean it?"
Pelle asks, letting the older man hold him tight.
His words are making his heartbeat race, he's feeling alive again
It feels so weird to be appreciated after so long, he could have never imagined that somebody would care so much about him once again.
He's feeling loved. That hasn't happened for so much time now.
"I mean it. You're the only one I care about."
It's incredible how little it took to make Pelle feel worthy of staying alive, living his life, even if it's maybe just for this moment.
Øystein would do it over and over again to remind Pelle of his worth, anyway.
Sometimes that's really just what it takes.