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"Are you sure you don't want us to drop you off?"
Hawks, completely lost in his own thoughts, slowly turned around to face the sidekick still by his side. He raised one eyebrow at them in question, signalling that he hadn't heard them. Or rather, he had heard them loud and clear, but their words weren't processing, Hawks' mind lagging behind as memories of today flashed before his inner eye. Vivid pictures of everything he had seen that day. Of faces contorted in fear, surprise and relief. Of villains fighting and getting captured. Of civilians swarming him afterwards and of the blinding white flashes of their cameras with their hands on him, tugging at his sleeves, begging for a photograph, only one, only--
The sidekick repeated their question and for a few moments Hawks just stared at them before he shook his head slowly.
"Nah, I think a late-night walk is exactly what I need right now" he answered, forcing a cheeky grin on his battered face and stuffing his shaking hands into the pockets of his jacket.
Today had been an intensely busy day. He had almost used up all of his feathers, only a few smaller ones still spouting from his back, rendering him unable to fly and forcing him to stay on the ground until they would grow back. If Hawks was to take his sidekick's offer, he'd be home in about ten minutes instead of walking for thirty.
However, Hawks hadn't had one second to himself all day, no short break to sort his thoughts. He felt like he didn't even have time to stop and take a breather.
He just needed to be alone right now before he'd…
Which is why he declined the offer of the sidekick to join them in the car.
"Okay, if you're sure…" they said, nevertheless giving him one last chance to reconsider, but Hawks nonchalantly waved them off.
"Yeah yeah, I am sure. Now shoo and get home yourself."
The sidekick gave Hawks one last pointed and questioning look, before reluctantly joining the others in the car, leaving Hawks behind and alone with his racing thoughts.
The moment the car was out of sight, driving around the corner, the smile fell from his lips. A deep frown settled on his face instead. His whole body flooded with exhaustion now that he was finally alone.
Taking his hands out of his pockets he stared at them jittering even more violently than before as his mind was once again filled with white camera flashes and loud voices calling for his attention. He could still feel their grasps on his wrists and jacket sleeves.
The few feathers on his back began to tremble in sync with his hands, forcing a shiver down the length of his entire body.
Hawks was no stranger to his fans' good-meaning adoration. He also was no stranger to the more persistent ones. The ones who'd touch and cling to him. He knew and was very aware of those behaviours, but somehow… for some reason it affected him differently today. It affected him more than usual.
Today he had felt his heart leap into his throat when he felt their hands on him, his pulse racing in his ears. He had always felt strange whenever something like that happened. When he started his public hero work he might have even felt a bit overwhelmed at first, sure. But he was used to it by now. He figured out how to handle most of them… So why? Why had he felt the panic closing its claws around his whole being, holding him hostage today? He had never felt panicked before. He had never felt his heart rate spike up when someone grabbed onto him a bit too possessively, a bit too tight, a bit too much.
He didn't understand. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. What was different today?
Hawks let his hands drop to his sides in defeat, a long sigh escaping his lips as he stared down at the ground to his feet. It was late.
"I should get home" he mumbled to himself. Nodding his head as if to reassure himself he stayed put, rooted to the ground like an unmoving tree.
Why wasn't he moving?
Hawks furrowed his brows as he intensely stared at his legs frozen in place. His whole body felt heavy, with exhaustion weighting his limbs down, unable to move.
Just...move!
Placing one foot forward he winced.
The shift in weight sent a painful joint through his back. Or rather, through the wing muscles located in his back and shoulders. Maybe he had overused his quirk a tiny bit today. The offer of his sidekicks seemed a lot more inviting now…
Clenching his teeth and stuffing his hands back into his jacket he began the walk back home.
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The more or less quiet night air filled his lungs and soothed the ache in his muscles. Though the turmoil in his mind stayed persistent, keeping its icy claws clutched around his thoughts.
His legs carried him home on their own while he lost himself in them, descending deeper and deeper into the abyss his mind had become.
Today just had been too much.
Today had been a day where he almost despised being a hero.
No, that wasn't true.
Hawks paused in the middle of taking a step and stared at the puddle his foot was hovering over. Tired eyes blinked back up at him, judging and resentful… almost hateful.
No, he didn't despise being a hero, he loved what he did. He loved being able to be there for others, to have the ability to keep them safe. Being a hero for others had been his dream ever since he could remember and that hadn't changed. So, he realised...
He didn't despise being Hawks.
He despised being Takami Keigo.
The bright lights of a car suddenly passing by startled him, his thoughts running back to white flashes and hands tightly gripping onto his forearm.
With his eyes blown wide Hawks looked around, heart rate once again spiking up. But there was no one with him. No one was grabbing him. No one was dragging him back.
Hawks felt his body shake in what he could only perceive as anger. Anger he decided to direct at himself.
Brushing the Ghost's touch off he continued his walk, ignoring the sad and pleading eyes reflected in the puddle as he stepped over it. He dug his nails deep into the palms of his hands, desperately trying to keep himself rooted in reality.
All the while wondering just what was wrong with him.
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The whole walk back Hawks was so lost in his thoughts and vivid retelling of his memories that he didn't even realise it when he was in front of his home. Even though he was staring up at the balcony he always landed on after his shift of hero duty was over.
Only when he was standing directly in front of the door, key in hand, did he realise where he was.
Confused he stared at the hand that was holding the key, the cold metal soothingly resting against the deep imprints his nails had left behind in his palm.
When--?
His tired eyes slowly drifted over to the door handle. However, when he was about to grab it to unlock the door, it was suddenly ripped open. With both of his hands now uselessly outstretched and hovering in the air he stared at the person standing before him.
Your eyes were wide and filled with worry when you let them wander over his form. He didn't even realise it, but Hawks immediately put his soothing hero smile on -the same smile he would show to civilians to calm them down- when he saw your distressed face. With your brows furrowed, eyes soft but frightful and your lips slightly trembling you just stared at him, your body frozen in place. Your fingers grabbed onto the door frame so tightly, he could see your knuckles and muscles twitch. Hawks also noted that, even though it was late and your hair was very obviously tousled from sleep, you weren't wearing your sleep attire. You looked like you had been about to leave the apartment, one shoe sitting in the middle of the corridor behind you, while you held the other one in the hand that wasn't clutching onto the door. Frowning in confusion Hawks let his hands fall to his sides.
"Wha--" he started but was promptly interrupted by your frantic voice.
"Where were you?"
You let the shoe fall to the ground and grabbed his wrist instead, pulling him towards you to wrap your arms around him in a crushing hug. Absentminded Hawks pushed the door close behind him before putting his arms around you as well, even though not as crushingly tight.
Your hug was a strong yet warm force against him, a desperate embrace that allowed you to make sure he was indeed really here. You pressed him against you as if simply holding him wouldn't be enough. And in that moment of having you so close to him, he felt awake somehow, more alive than he had all day. And it made him want to melt against you, it made him want to fight against the chains on his mind. The chains that kept his act in place.
"What do you mean?" he asked confused when he felt your hold on him slowly loosen. Taking one small step back you placed your hands on his arms that were still wrapped around your shoulders, your nails digging into the fabric of his jacket as if he was about to disappear would you not hold onto him.
"Your sidekicks told me that you were walking home-- but even after an hour you still weren't-- I thought!" you said, words leaving your mouth so fast it was difficult for Hawks already overwhelmed mind to keep up.
"You didn't answer your phone and I thought-- God, are you alright?"
Your worry for him sent a painful bang through his heart as you looked him up and down. When you couldn't find any serious injuries on him your gaze snapped back up to meet his glazed over eyes. Trying to overact how overwhelmed he felt, he placed one hand on your head, ruffling your already chaotic hair and leaving it even more tousled.
"Ah, don't worry, my dove. I just wanted to take a walk through town" he said cheekily, his hero typical smile still plastered onto his face, while the panic inside him resurfaced. He hadn’t walked straight home? Where had-- how long had he been mindlessly walking around?
"You couldn't have answered my calls at least?" you scoffed, worry replaced with slight annoyance.
"Sorry" Hawks grinned bashfully, one hand at the back of his neck while the now deadly silent phone in his pocket seemed to weigh him down.
His carefree smile fell the second you turned around to kick the shoes back into the direction of their usual resting place, too tired to properly put them away for now. Hawks studied you as you did so. Studied how your shoulders were slightly slumped over from exhaustion mixed with relief of seeing him back home safely. Studied the slight shiver of your figure and your nervous habits he already excepted from you.
When you stole one more glance at him, he forced his mouth back into a smile, though he knew he hadn't been fast enough for it to stay completely unnoticed by you. Hawks saw it in the way your eyebrows ever so slightly furrowed that you knew. Either way, you didn't call him out on it.
Instead of confronting him, you walked back over and questioningly stared into his eyes. He felt like you gave him a chance of addressing it himself, a moment for him to decide to confide in you. But he was unable to respond. He just stared back before the pressure on his nerves got too much and he glanced to the side, breaking eye contact. He heard the faint sigh leave your mouth before he felt your hands on his shoulders, pushing his heavy jacket off them. Stepping around him you slid the fabric from his arms and hung it next to the other ones. Then you stood before him once more.
Your gaze was calculating and it seemed as if you were looking right through his facade. It left him feeling vulnerable and naked beneath your eyes.
Slowly you reached to cup his cheek, cradling it in the palm of your hand while wiping some dirt away with your other hand. Then you grabbed the golden strand of hair hanging in front of his cloudy eyes and pushed it back.
It took every bit of strength Hawks had left not to let himself fall forward into your arms at that moment. The chains inside of him rattling loudly in his ears as he took one small step closer to you.
Your eyes wandered over his body once more, examining his arms especially, now that they were freed and no longer hidden from the puffy jacket. In that moment Hawks was sure you could see every muscle tremble beneath his skin.
Apart from a few light bruises -which you had to begrudgingly accept would always litter his skin as long as he continued to be a hero- and some old, small scars your eyes paused on every once and again, you weren't able to detect any injuries.
Letting your hand slide from his cheek and down his right arm sent shivers down Hawks' spine. Goosebumps settled on his skin and forced the last of his feathers to straighten against his back. And in that shiver laid a whisper of truth, a chaos of emotions that told their story. A story no mask could ever hide, not from you.
Slowly he intertwined your fingers with his, squeezing your hand lightly as if to reassure himself that you were here. You gave him a small smile, though your eyes still held a melancholic look in them. It was almost enough for his forced smile to falter.
Wordlessly you turned to face away from him and tugged him along behind you. The look in your eyes before you had turned around had told him that you had something to say and he was almost completely sure it was about his facade you had already began to crack open.
Straightening up and forcing his shoulders back he put on an aloof smile. His brave face. He wasn't even sure why since you already knew him better than that. You had already looked straight through him the moment you tore open that door. Still, he couldn't will himself to stop the act. It was just what he has been taught all his life.
The next thing he knew was your hands on his shoulders when you pushed him down to take a seat at the end of the bed. Then you let them wander higher to cup his face in-between the palms of your hands, tilting his head slightly upward and directing his gaze to meet your eyes.
He blinked slowly, his mind -rather uncharacteristically for today- blank. All he could do was grant you his undivided attention while you studied him.
God, just looking at you again after an almost endless day of work, feeling your loving gaze on his skin and your gentle touches on his face… he felt like melting right then and there. He felt like breaking in your arms.
Your eyes slowly drifted from his to his back, or rather to the space behind his back. The space his wings would have normally taken in.
"Are your wings okay?" you asked after his eyes managed to catch yours again, desperate for the anchor they provided him.
The question, though asked out of pure concern, immediately pushed his mind back into those memories. Flashes of villains, civilians and cameras flooding it once again. Of eyes that were watching him. Eyes that had been watching him all day and eyes that he could still feel burning into his back. They were watching his every move, so he had to make sure every move he did, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, was nothing short of perfection. One misstep, one stumble could tear everything down.
Not wanting to let you take notice of his inner turmoil he replaced the small, real smile that had grazed his lips with his hero one. The sparkle in his eyes faded away, leaving the gold to look dull and blank.
"Don't worry, love, they'll grow back as usual" he responded with a hum. "Just been a busy day."
Before you could respond, ask another question or simply protest, he had already wrapped his arms around your middle and tugged you forward. Slightly stumbling from the sudden movement, you let go of his face to hold onto his shoulders instead as he placed you on his lap. The surprised look you gave him almost made him chuckle.
"Keigo, are you--?" you started but were shushed by him immediately.
"No more questions, please."
People hid themselves when they were afraid. Hawks saw them hide from villains and attacks on the daily. They'd run and crouch down behind a corner, waiting for the storm to pass. He saw kids press their hands over their ears and tightly shut their eyes, comforted by the childish belief that if they couldn't see it, the threat wouldn't see them either. That it would simply disappear.
And when he saw you swallow down your frustrations, when he saw the rebellion in your eyes, all he could think of was to do the same, to hide himself until his inner turmoil would subside. Because in that very moment when he felt the shift in your energy and body language... in that very moment he knew. He knew he would lose today, even if he fought like a hero. So, he decided to hide instead. He decided to shut his eyes and pretend.
Before you could open your mouth once more, he nuzzled his head into your neck, locking his glossy eyes away from your sight. No, not today. He couldn’t do this today.
When you called his name again, he immediately tensed up, his fingers digging into the flesh of your hips. He couldn’t let it crack today. He couldn’t crack today.
He had held it back all day, all his life. If he would let it go now, if he would allow himself to break open… would he be able to find back? Could he go back to... pretending? He feared he would not be strong enough, that he couldn't climb back up on his own. And even though he wasn't alone, even though he could feel your warmth against him … he felt lost.
Today had been an ordinary day, a regular day, a day like any other. He lived through hundreds of those days.
But today had also been his breaking point.
Your fingertips stroking through the hairs on the back of his neck sent shivers and shudders through his whole body. It made him tremble beneath you. He moved his arms higher to clutch at your shoulders, pressing you firmer against him, anchoring himself to you like a child desperate for comfort.
You hummed lowly, the rumble in your chest vibrating back in his. '
"I'm here" you mumbled, hugging your arms around his head in an understanding and warm gesture.
"You're okay."
Hawks felt as if a wall broke inside of him, as if you broke through his first line of defence. But he didn't resist it and let it happen instead, all the while forcing his shoulders to stop shaking.
"How can I help you?" Your words felt like a light shining through his darkness. You were the light showing him a path you built for him, a path he could decide to walk on and open himself up to if he so desired. But you were also a light he couldn't grasp, a light he couldn't hold. So, he stood at the beginning of the path, unmoving and not knowing what to say.
"I want to help you, please."
But Hawks didn't even know how to help himself. He was stuck on a path that led nowhere. He was stuck in a vicious cycle he couldn't break out of. So, he fell back into his role, into something he could at least somewhat control.
"I'm okay" he said, his voice trembling equally as much as his body. "I just missed you."
"Love" you started once more, your voice unwavering but soft. Hawks tensed. You had looked right through him. You had broken his facade. A faint sigh left your lips when you let your arms drop over his shoulders, before grabbing him by the hands and lifting them off you, freeing yourself so you could look at him properly again.
"You know you can be Keigo with me."
Defeated Hawks let his hands fall onto your thighs instead, still needing something to hold onto, while he forced himself to hold your gaze. Though his smile was wavering.
"You don't have to keep playing Pro Hero Hawks anymore."
Another wall came crashing down. And this time it forced a choked up sound out of him. The water was finally starting to leak through the dam and Hawks knew he wouldn't have enough strength to stop it.
"I know it's just--" he had to stop himself when he heard the tremble in his voice. Taking a few deep breaths, he turned to look to the side, unable to hold your gaze any longer. "I don't want to be Keigo today."
"Why do you not want to be Keigo today?" you asked. And there were so many reasons and possible answers flooding his mind, Hawks didn't even know where to begin.
Why would he want to be Keigo if he could be Hawks instead? Hawks was strong, a hero. Hawks was someone people looked up to and could depend on. Keigo was a mere shadow in comparison, a shadow hiding away from Hawks' light.
Hawks could save people.
Keigo couldn't even save himself.
"Because… Keigo is broken."
The sudden hand on his chin forcing him to turn his head straight again startled him so much he almost jumped, but your weight in his lap kept him pinned to the bed, rendering him unable to flee. His in surprise widened eyes stared into your furious ones. But it wasn't anger, it was a gentle fury, determination to help him see the truth.
"You aren't broken."
You could have said more, you wanted to say more but Keigo's pleading eyes stopped you. He looked at you for help. Begging you to help him tear down the last wall. And you knew for that to happen, you had to let him talk. He had to let it all out himself. He had to tear down the last obstacle and learn how to help himself.
"Keigo isn't a hero" he continued, his voice rough from unshed tears that were waiting to break down the dam once and for all.
"People look up to Hawks… they don't care about Keigo, so why should I want to be...?"
"I care about Keigo" you said gently, letting your fingers stroke over his light beard. "I care about you and so do the people. Keigo and Hawks don't have to be mutually exclusive."
Hawks shook his head violently, fighting against the truth in your words. He didn't want… he couldn't accept the truth. Because accepting it would mean Hawks and Keigo were one and the same. It would mean Hawks was just as broken as Keigo.
"Why do you feel like you have to be someone else as Hawks?"
For a few moments he stayed silent, pondering over the question because he couldn't think of an answer that wasn't 'because it's my duty' or 'because I had been trained that way'. But no matter how long he thought about it, all his answers led to the same conclusion.
"Because it has always been like this."
The warmth of your fingertips against his skin slowly began to loosen his muscles, just as how they began to loosen his resolve.
"Just because it has always been like this, doesn't mean it has to continue. You can break the cycle, if you so want" you declared, once again holding your hand out for him to grab, giving him the option to change and showing him how to help himself.
"I want to" Hawks breathed, his voice faint, almost just a whisper. The wall cracked more, letting more water leak through the dam. He was so close to accepting your outstretched hand, his fingertips brushing against your own.
"But I fear--" he gulped, the feathers on his back anxiously shivering against the fabric of his flight suit. "I fear the moment I stop being Hawks… I might fall apart."
Your hand wandered from his chin up to cradle his cheek like before, a comforting smile on your lips.
"You're allowed to fall apart a little."
And Keigo didn't know why it was this moment and these specific words that pushed him over the cliff, sending the last wall down, but suddenly he felt the tears that had glossed over his eyes ever since he had stepped into the apartment, spill over. Maybe it was because of your soothing presence or maybe it was because he just couldn't pretend any longer. Whatever the reason was, hot tears were trickling down his cheeks now, leaving his skin inflamed and red. But there was no ounce of sadness or regret as the streams were tears of relief. He was finally able to break through and for the first time he felt an actual weight being lifted from him as he silently cried. He felt like he could finally breathe again.
Though the looming emptiness and resent was still ever present. It still held one hand over him as he muttered the following words:
"I am pathetic."
"You're not" you reassured him forcefully, while gently wiping his tears away. "You're not pathetic for feeling overwhelmed."
And he knew you were right. He knew the tears had been due a long time ago but he had built the walls to keep them buried inside him, to keep being able to pretend. He knew all that, but it didn't help in him feeling lost. He had only taken one small step into the right direction. And he knew that if he truly didn't want to go back to how it had always been, he had to take a hundred more. And in his current state, with the tears dancing over his skin to a silent symphony of desperation and the faint spark of hope… he didn't know if he could do that.
"I-- I feel weak."
You pondered at his words for a few moments, before wrapping your arms around him once more. The spark of hope inside him was fired on by the determination in your eyes.
"Then let me be strong for you today."
At that Keigo clutched at the fabric of your shirt and buried his face in your neck again. Letting his sobs and cries finally consume his body and very soul.